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 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 26
Single MothersPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
(ice_angel140) When i put that my son comes first on my profile it isn't because i'm looking for a pat on the back or to annoy anyone. i put it so whoever is interested in talking to me knows that i not just going to drop everything to spend time with him.


A woman who still doesn't get it. It's off-putting to men. Show me ONE guy's profile that says, "Looking for a single mother who will neglect her kids, to spend time with me!" It's a GIVEN that a single mother will devote her focus first and foremost to her children. Why do so many women feel the need to state the obvious? Is it so you can club some guy down the road with, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D BE SO SELFISH AS TO ASK ME TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU!!!"?

Look, EVERYONE makes sacrifices to be in a relationship. Saying stuff like, "My kids come first!" is just stupid and contentious. Among other things, it paints you as a kudos-seeking martyr.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 27
Single Mothers
Posted: 1/29/2013 2:16:47 PM
(mocamomma) As a single parent spelling it all out in your profile is the best way cause it helps others to make the choice if they are interested in seeing where things go when dating single parent! Let's face it not everyone wants kids in the relationship. It take a very strong women or man to date single parents cause you have to understand that our kids do come first and that if we cancel due to our kids not to take it as we aren't interested. Cause if you are single u don't have to plan around anyone except yourself and there are so many people out there that don't understand that when with kids we have to plan things depending on the age of our kids!


Good reasons for disclosing it upfront, I have to admit.


If u don't like the fact that women or men have it in there profile cause you feel they should make since then you are one of the many who might of been in a relationship or know others who have and get it but there are a lot of single men and women out there that don't understand single parents!


First of all, lose the text-speak: it makes you sound like a feeb. Second of all: if someone is too dumb to realize that a single parent will have limitations on his/her spontanaeity, are you REALLY interested in dating that person? Personally, I have no interest in interacting with someone who needs regular IQ transfusions...
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 28
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Single Mothers
Posted: 1/29/2013 4:23:05 PM
I am a single mother who does not have that on her profile, but I think the one's that do are trying to counter the "single mom" stereotype that they care more about hooking up with the next guy, than they do their kids.
 sweet_mama
Joined: 10/26/2010
Msg: 29
Single Mothers
Posted: 1/29/2013 5:40:56 PM
oh my, where to start? well , obviously I am a single mother and yes I do put my son first... why?? well, lets see, he is a child. and children were not asked to be made... we, being adults choose this...so when I say my son is number one in my life I mean it. It is not his fault that things between his father and I did not work out... who for see's that??
to which this point you are suppose to answer, a phsycic.... lol.... damn i so know i spelled that wrong , oh well, u all know what I mean eh?
Never once, would i have a second thought to dating a single father, if I am attracted to him, and the feeling is mutual, why not give it a shot??
All I am trying to say is that single moms' are doing their job, and that is putting their child first!!
 MommiMusician2012
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 30
Single Mothers
Posted: 1/29/2013 6:52:22 PM
I totally agree! We have to think of our kids first and honestly, anyone who is going to be with me has to accept the fact that I have a daughter and if they don't like it then there's the door. For me personally they have to be daddy material because I can't just have any idiot around my baby.
 ice_angel140
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 31
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Single Mothers
Posted: 1/30/2013 8:48:54 PM
but there are men that say that understand your child comes first and that theu even respect that but at the end of the day will still get mad when they dont have all your attention. not saying all men but their are many out here that are selfish and they want you all to their selves
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 32
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Single Mothers
Posted: 1/30/2013 10:22:01 PM

A woman who still doesn't get it. It's off-putting to men. Show me ONE guy's profile that says, "Looking for a single mother who will neglect her kids, to spend time with me!" It's a GIVEN that a single mother will devote her focus first and foremost to her children. Why do so many women feel the need to state the obvious? Is it so you can club some guy down the road with, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D BE SO SELFISH AS TO ASK ME TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU!!!"?

Look, EVERYONE makes sacrifices to be in a relationship. Saying stuff like, "My kids come first!" is just stupid and contentious. Among other things, it paints you as a kudos-seeking martyr.


Wow!! For once, I actually agree with you. I do think, however, that this topic brings to light the fact that dating, particularly internet dating, is an education in human nature. To be fair, many single parents experience an attitude towards them that suggest that those who seek to meet them assume they are nothing more than a casual sexual partner, due to the fact that having kids makes dating & relationships more difficult. It's off-putting to men because men & women think differently, hear differently & have different experiences in the dating world. Still, I have never felt the need to explain that my kids are my first priority. Admittedly, though I have had to explain that even if not in those words, to those I have dated. I also admit that many men are not so used to that, as many single moms (and dads, I am sure) have been faced with a sulky individual who simply can't understand why they can't just show up at their home after two or three dates or make plans at the last minute. People can be selfish.
 ResE5
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 33
Single Mothers
Posted: 1/31/2013 11:19:36 AM
I think alot of single moms and dads post that, quite a few are friends of mine, too! But, they must realize that if they indeed want to date, knowing the child comes first, they have to also make time to participate in a relationship or be present to build one. Many single moms and dads go out into the dating pool and find they simply don't have the time to give to a relationship because of their responsibility to their child, which I get. I know some people who simply will not date until their child is older because again, no time to devote to dating or building a relationship.

It's ok that they post it to let men annd women know their kid comes first but they have understand some people will simply not understand that situation.
 Hanoverfella
Joined: 11/28/2012
Msg: 34
Single Mothers
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:05:29 PM
I agree, just by checking the box you have kids living at home (and some times their ages) shows you have priorities and commitments towards them, if any guy is too dense to understand this, he's probably also to dumb to use the computer so you're safe from him asking you out anyway.
 morningstar342
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 35
Single Mothers
Posted: 1/31/2013 4:00:03 PM
love how u worded this your so right
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 36
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Single Mothers
Posted: 2/4/2013 3:59:26 PM
I agree to extent about some younger guys (early 20's) needing it spelled out to them. I don't think its stupidity, I think most men know the kids come first. I think it's actually fathoming what that actually means in real life settings ( time constraints, snow days off school, sudden change of plans ect) they don't grasp. It also means....




Let me spell it out for you: You are reading too much into it.


....OP you do need to read more into it. I have found, through my personal observations, that single parents that put those things in thier profiles (kids come first, kids are my world) is actually "code" that they have the kids 24/7, 365 and the non-custodial parent has little or no involvement. Basically they are subconsciously disclaming they do not have any or little free time away from the kids, in contrast to someone who gets the kids dropped off every other weekend or has 50/50 custody.
 spilling_fire
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 37
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/6/2013 10:31:27 AM
People that post the "my kid comes first" stuff drive me nuts too. As we all know, the kids should come first. Stating the obvious is what they're doing, but at the same time, it's almost like they're putting up a wall that you can't penetrate.

But you know what really irks me (a single mother)? Single dads that only get their kids on the weekends which is pretty much the only time that I can get a sitter for my kid. I get the whole shared custody thing, but I don't want to have to ask a guy to get rid of his kids on the weekend so that we can have alone time. That's not fair to him or his kids. I also think this is partly why some men and women introduce their kids into the new relationship way too fast.....they basically have no way of seeing one another unless their kids tag along. Dating is far too tricky.
 susandt
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 38
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/9/2013 10:40:15 AM
I am so glad you said this. In this society most people are very selfish and if you don't spell it out then you are putting your self in a situation to be involved with one of those men who doesn't understand. It's hard to meet after work for drinks, on weekends, and so people need to know this. You have to be understanding, and flexible when dealing with a single parent.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 39
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/9/2013 11:52:02 AM
Being a single parent is hard enough. Yes i want the person to know that my child comes first and no we cant just pick up and have hook ups and go out spur of the moment but the thing that upsets me is that you guys automatically assume because we are single mothers that we are looking for a daddy for our children! sorry no! thats not the ccase. I can take care of myself and my child i dont need a mans help which i have proven and been single through most my childs life im looking for a companion not because I need one but becuase I want one to share my life with.


I have often suggested being a married parent working or keeping your marriage healthy and being a parent is probably more work......and I understand the premise of not being able to get up at a moments notice or spur of the moment....

But Love....your suggestion of sharing? You want to share your life...or when you have a free weekend every other weekend you want someone available when it is convenient to you? Somehow when I was raising my children I do not remember ever teaching them sharing was when it was convienent you shared????

But perhaps sharing for some is a little different? Many individuals seek a companion...but that suggests a relationship or equal effort or commitment by both parties....not someone who is willing to settle for something less than optimum.

I never has an issue when a single mother viewed my time as a custodial parent as an impediment to building a relationship especially when she had her own " primary parent" role. It is perhaps the single parent who has a very full schedule and expects someone to wait for when they have free time is in fact the selfish one.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 40
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Single Mothers
Posted: 2/14/2013 4:30:11 PM

I have often suggested being a married parent working or keeping your marriage healthy and being a parent is probably more work......and I understand the premise of not being able to get up at a moments notice or spur of the moment....


I hear ya, but it is true that being the ONLY ONE all the time is a different kind of, and is more taxing, even if not literally MORE work.


But Love....your suggestion of sharing? You want to share your life...or when you have a free weekend every other weekend you want someone available when it is convenient to you? Somehow when I was raising my children I do not remember ever teaching them sharing was when it was convienent you shared????

But perhaps sharing for some is a little different? Many individuals seek a companion...but that suggests a relationship or equal effort or commitment by both parties....not someone who is willing to settle for something less than optimum.

I never has an issue when a single mother viewed my time as a custodial parent as an impediment to building a relationship especially when she had her own " primary parent" role. It is perhaps the single parent who has a very full schedule and expects someone to wait for when they have free time is in fact the selfish one.


Cautious doesn't necessarily equal selfish. We are all selfish to an extent, anyway. You share your life in stages, and when you have children there are more, or at least longer stages. Deterrent for some for sure, and sometimes you have to wait, wait to be included in a family. Sometimes it's worth the wait.
 Single_Dad_Dave
Joined: 4/21/2012
Msg: 41
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/15/2013 5:12:36 AM
I have to agree with the original poster.

I have no problem with women talking about their kids and their importance in their life. But when I see the phrase "My children are the most important things in my life." and "I'm not looking for a father for my kids, they already have one." it makes you wonder where they expect the guy to fit in to any type of relationship.

Of course, the kids come first, but when you hit the guy over the head with a baseball bat with that.... Although, I do take the point that some young guys might need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 42
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:47:31 AM
(venomac1) No, they spell it out because SOME guys ARE dumb.


Then, single mothers shouldn't date dumb guys -- problem solved. And, they shouldn't think that spelling out the obvious is going to make a dumb guy's IQ suddenly leap through the roof. If a single mother feels the need to write something like that, it's all good, because it'll be in with a lot of other stuff, and most guys are sharp enough to understand the context in which it's written...
 jojostiles
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 43
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:04:12 AM
many guys are retarded when it comes to a mom who has kids im 24 and I have a 4yr old and 2 yr old twins and still get men who are aggravated because im either working or with my children. I cant drop my life just because it happens to be good time for them and I do spell it out if you are not willing to work around my schedual don't bother. Not because im arrogant but because im not here to waist anyones time
 rgvmale
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 44
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/15/2013 12:07:13 PM
So it's either take it or leave it? I think that attitude is what irks a lot of single guys who would other wise date single momies..I have no problem dating a single mom with like one kid but I don't like it when they make no effort to accommodate my schedule/needs like I would with there's, it's a two way street (sorry if this does not pertain to you), sorry just a rant , go on lol. I don't know I think some single mommies (not all) have unrealistic expectations...
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 45
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/15/2013 5:24:40 PM
But you want the same thing? Her to work around you schedule.. That's how it is in the beginning. Neither one really wants to alter their schedule to meet that of the other because who knows if it's worth it. Single moms are no different then you int hat regard. You said so yourself.

~~~
I don't like it when they make no effort to accommodate my schedule/needs
~~~

Arguably their schedule is harder to alter than yours is. With kids being involved and all. If Johnny's play is on Friday, I can't move that to accommodate you wanting to go to dinner that night. It's not unrealistic to expect dating to work around a schedule you can work with. I wouldn't date a man who works weekends and evenings, because that's when I'm off.. When would we see each other? Sorry if you find that unrealistic or think that's me being unaccommodating. You seem to forget that a new date does not have to be accommodating, and neither do you. If you don't like it too bad. Having a relationship or starting one isn't about what they can do for you, it's about what you can do for them and how you can enhance each other's lives. If one has kids, then the kids are always going to dictate free nights. Even when older. I had to pass on the gym with my guy today because of something I had to take my son too. If he had been upset about it.. my answer would have been sorry.. my son needs me for something. Of course my guy gets it and understands it. If you can't even plan even a 1st date then I suggest you two are not compatible in the schedule department and perhaps go find someone who is. No harm no foul. Just move on. easy.
 rgvmale
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 46
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/15/2013 5:54:00 PM
Point taken confuzzle :), I guess it's just hard dating a single mother, all things being equal between two girls and the only diff. is that one dosnt have a kid ill go with the childless one, who knows though I might just fall head over heels for a single mommy who has her shit together lol.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 47
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:30:34 PM
I think the kiddo has little to do with anything. I've never had an issue dating. Whether my shit was together or not. A childfree person can be just as time constrained and/or just as busy or inaccessible as one with a child. Actually my ex boyfriend only had time for me once or twice a week, that was how it was for our entire 5 year relationship. Somehow this single mommy had much more time to devote to a relationship then his child free butt ever did. I see my guy now almost everyday. It's an odd night when we don't see each other (like tonight), but we are both feeling ill and we have a busy weekend ahead of us together, so we're both going to bed early. I really think with guys it's all talk. Cause as soon as they meet *her* it won't matter if she with child or not, broke, rich whatever. He will make it work. I was told point blank that he is going to do whatever it takes so I fall for him. He's doing a good job of it too. I think that's how guys are. They pick you and not much else matters. Short of her morphing into a total douchebag. (user/cheater). Guys talk all this crap about single moms and how bad they are only to end up falling for one and marrying them. I've seen it happen so many times. It's not about whether or not she has kids.. It's about whether or not she's the one.. cause if she is, her parental status won't matter.
 LittleFire1
Joined: 6/7/2012
Msg: 48
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:53:50 PM
Couldn't agree more!! Some men message me and act like they didn't read I had a son or a young son and text me late and say, "hey, let's hang." If men wouldn't act like they are going to come first right off the bat or even at all we wouldn't have to spell it out. And yes, obviously some men are that dumb because they make me say that in hopes to stop wasting time talking to men who it won't work with.
 momieov213
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 49
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/16/2013 12:04:14 AM
well i put " they come 1st. yet room for a man in my life. " i'm not looking 4 a replacement dad. even though theirs isn't around. but u said most men do. i tell u from my experience. alot don't. they want 2 come over before meeting u while kids r home. i don't & wont bring strangers 2 my home. my kids safety more important. u never what the person is like if never met. some say understand. but yet will beg 4 u 2 give in 2 them. unfortuatlely the good have 2 pay 4 the bad. & that includes us women as well.
 momieov213
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 50
Single Mothers
Posted: 2/16/2013 12:08:33 AM
i couldn't have put that better myself. some men & sure women 2. expect u 2 drop everything just 2 meet them. cause alot of men put same thing in their posts. so not just women do it.
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