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Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 3
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He still loves his wife.....Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

I'm having a hard time being understanding about the extremes he takes to protect this image of undying love he has for her.
When you've lost someone that you cared about immensely, this type of undying allegiance is all you have left. It's explainable and understandable.

He still considers himself married to the rest of the world and this annoys me in ways I can't explain.
You cannot fight that. He is dictating how he sees himself in this world that doesn't include this person he loved. It all came apart when she died clearly, and he is working to figure out how he goes on. Eventually he will leave the 'crutches' behind; but likely not on your timeline.

He told you that he wasn't ready for a relationship...

He isn't ready for that full declarative love statement with you. Punishing him because he isn't ready, because he's still loyal to his dead wife is not going to get him there sooner. There will be a price to pay I think by being that source of friction, demands and tension. He gets to where he needs to go only with time.

If you're impatient about the process and have pre-set expectations about how long he should wrangle at each stage, you're not helping. In fact I'd suggest you're ruining your own chances. Step out of it. Let him have the time without you hovering, watching and evaluating his process.

If in the meantime you find someone else, it's part of the deal. I'm sure he's aware of that. You also have boundaries you can set here Op. Do you know that? You can push back and say "You're not ready and I get that", but I need to move on.
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 7
He still loves his wife.....
Posted: 1/14/2013 7:22:05 AM
I guess first off is he has to want to be present in his life.. he is not and appears to be getting something from this vigil. You need to either continue burying yourself under the bus or stop the pain and move on. This is a totally unhealthy situation.. and you use the word "love".,.. he can't love you .. he is not capable of love.. If he is doing this to appease others as a martyr great.. but you are desiring from this man something he cannot give..


Is there a contest on to become the best insignificant other that I'm unaware of? what's the prize.. ?

STOP THE AGONY OF dying along with this guy and get a life..

If he decides to join you in the present it will be because he puts the story together and shelves his experiences and makes a commitment to himself to engage in life in the present..HE HAS TO FIGHT FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL HAPPINESS AS DO YOU ..

The best way for you to love you .. which is the only person you can love is for you to disengage.. and some gals don't understand what disengage means.. "you cut all ties.. all of em.. this is tough love but it works.. "

If he actually desires to enter your life and pursue you as a mate then it will be what it will be.. so the test is .. if he wants you he will get his act together .. if he doesn't he won't .. sad yes ,.., but there is no loss here .. it will be a loss for him.. but you are aware of what this is doing to you and you need to embrace the present . empower yourself to get what you need and move on..

believe me if he fights his way out of this .. and he truly has the hots for you .. he will make you his partner .. if not no big loss .. NEXT..

Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
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He still loves his wife.....
Posted: 1/14/2013 7:51:19 AM
A lot of good posts so far.

I have an observation from a sort of "theory of puzzles" point of view.

This fellow has things he has to rearrange and put in the correct places within himself, much as someone working a multi-dimensional puzzle wants to do. The difference between a boxed commercial puzzle, and a life-experience puzzle, is that you know where all the pieces are in a commercial puzzle.

In a life puzzle, you have to do your best with whatever you have acquired so far, and it's rare that you have enough to put things where they go. You get more pieces as you try to do things and progress with your life (the pieces are insights and lessons), but those lessons are interdependent on each other. They don't come along in a nice neat logical order, they come haphazardly; so a person will often draw the wrong conclusions from a lesson or experience (i.e. put the piece in the sky, when it's actually part of the ocean, or a blue parasol).

What this means for someone like you, is, that neither you, nor the guy who has to work things out, can have any idea at all when the solution might begin to become clear. And it doesn't really matter whether he works hard on it or not. And, finally, you might be (are very likely to be) contributing to his solution yourself, no matter whether you stay around with him or not.

Sorry that this wont tell you what choice to make. What I'm trying to get at is, more that it really isn't up to either of you as individuals, whether or not things work out pleasantly for the two of you or not. At least, not in a way that you can logically control. You can leave him, and it MIGHT help him to crystallize things in a way that lets him break free of his past. Or, you can leave him, and it might cause him to fall deeper into doubt that he belongs in the here and now. Or you can stay with him, and accidentally facilitate his NOT having to solve his puzzle, or you can stay with him, and through your faith or patience, give him a piece of self-confidence that DOES allow him to move on. It all depends on what other pieces he has, whether they are in the right places, and what they are dependent upon.

From what I've observed in other situations, about the best thing that anyone has done, has been to go with things as they are for as long as the balance between pleasure and annoyance favors pleasure. Then move on. Or, continue as you are, and if you stumble across a better situation, change horses. Or wait for your OWN lesson puzzle piece to fall into place, and then act on that lesson.
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 12
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He still loves his wife.....
Posted: 1/14/2013 8:42:26 AM
Cut your losses,don't wait for something that may take years or maybe never takes place.
Not fair to either of you.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 15
He still loves his wife.....
Posted: 1/14/2013 9:53:56 AM

He told me back a few months ago that he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he felt like he was cheating on her.

If he feels like he's cheating on his wife, that means you're playing the role of his mistress. Is this the image you want to give people? This is why he doesn't want to introduce you to family and friends. Cheaters don't take their mistresses to meet family and friends. Is this the type of relationship you want?

When he told you he wasn't ready for a relationship, why did you pursue a relationship with him? Did you think he was joking or lying to you? Being desperate for a relationship isn't going to win you any brownie points with him, except to keep you around as a fvck buddy and nothing more.
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 16
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He still loves his wife.....
Posted: 1/14/2013 10:56:36 AM
Certain people come into our lives and change the course of it forever. You can't unlove them or stop caring. I don't understand how people expect you to stop caring or loving someone in your past. The way you move past that is to build a new bond and relationship with your current love interest. The stronger the bond grows the more they will put the wife into the past and move on.

There is a certain healing period that someone has to go through before they can move on. If this dude loves his wife, so much that you feel he is emotionally unaviable than thats a problem. I think you need to have a talk with him about how you feel. She is dead and your alive. I think this is case of grieving and he will come around eventually. You can grow closer to him by being supportive and caring.
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 17
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He still loves his wife.....
Posted: 1/14/2013 11:05:58 AM
You've been dating for over a year, yet a few months back he told you he wasn't ready for a relationship? Then he shouldn't have started one.

Hard though it will be, cut your losses and move on. Don't stay and grieve with him.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 18
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He still loves his wife.....
Posted: 1/14/2013 11:09:41 AM
I'd have to know why you think you love him, how you define love for someone who has nothing to offer you, only his love for someone who died. Why are you being a martyr, what needs do you have and how do you expect to get any of them from someone who is lost in the past and has already told you he can't give you anything. The fact that he lets you hang around and be used says a lot, what's worse, the fact that you keep hanging around in a lousy relationship says a lot more.
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 19
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He still loves his wife.....
Posted: 1/14/2013 11:25:26 AM
I'm sorry i didn't fully read or understand the situation. If he told you str8 up he isn't emotionally open or available then you are wasting your time. You deserve someone who is 100 percent ready to let you into their heart.

I had a girlfriend of 5 years die because of a disease, so i am speaking from experience.
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 28
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He still loves his wife.....
Posted: 1/16/2013 11:49:02 AM
When a man tells you he's not ready for a relationship, believe him.

Moreover, a man who knows this, yet gets involved with a woman anyway, disregarding her feelings for him, lacks integrity.

Still, it's your responsibility to take care of yourself. Just pointing out that this guy really doesn't care about your feelings.
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