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 Indira46
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 2
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Strong WomanPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
You don't need "shy guys". You just need self respect and a zero tolerance for bs. You teach people how to treat you. The first time someone does something bad to you, drop them. The more you do this, your attitude will change and you will project self confidence and the "jerks" will stay away.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 3
Strong Woman
Posted: 1/16/2013 2:03:56 PM
Was your Dad dominant?
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 9
Strong Woman
Posted: 1/16/2013 3:22:31 PM
You deserve a man who treats you with respect, kindness and love. It's important to have boundaries with men. If something doesn't feel right pay attention to your gut. Your feelings are important.

Do you talk on the phone with men before meeting? I screen men with a few key questions that I work into the conversation:

1. How long have you been single?
2. Have you had a serious relationship with a woman since your divorce?
3. What are you looking for in a relationship?

Good luck!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Strong Woman
Posted: 1/16/2013 3:52:36 PM
I strongly recommend one, difficult, but invariably rewarding procedure:

Examine in great detail, and extremely closely, EXACTLY why you are attracted to someone, especially one which you find is not working out for you.

1. You know you are sexually turned on by them. Now look carefully, and figure out exactly why you are. Simple example I have found in myself, when I was strongly attracted to a woman who was obviously no good for me: it turned out that she closely resembled someone from my past who WAS a very good person. Once I saw the resemblance, my attraction to the no-good-nick vanished.

2. Something about the way that they behave, jumps past your logical reasoning, and makes you believe that they are a good mate for you, despite the fact that you can easily see problems with your own naked eyes. Most probable/common cause: you have associated a negative behavior in someone, as indicating a positive of some sort. "Negging" is a player tool which is based on this very thing. The guy treats you poorly, and you are drawn to him, NOT because you consciously like being mistreated, but because you associate this sort of abuse, with Authority, and therefore with Strength.

You see, it's not a matter of being more of a feminist. That's a sort of "crutch" version, a parlor trick way of getting yourself to be tougher on people, STILL without really feeling confident that you are being tough on the right people, for the right reasons.

But introspection can be a VERY useful tool to apply. Figure out all of the details of your reality, and then with each of them, decide whether or not you want to live with that concept in your head. I myself am 100% convinced that when I am most in touch with unbiased and 'de-fantasized' reality, that I am making the most correct decisions for myself that I possibly can do.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 13
Strong Woman
Posted: 1/16/2013 4:42:05 PM
I'm trying to get my head around this post. My daughter is one year younger than you and she quickly figured out a few things about people fairly early in here life because of her father. Not just by his words but, by his actions. If you don't like how people treat you, don't hang around those people. And please don't use the reasoning/excuse, "I'm attracted to those types" BS line. All it means is that you like morons. DO YOU like morons???????

I didn't think so. Than, why is it again you are attracted to "those" types?????? Go ahead, and sit in the corner and maybe you'll be able to answer. Has nothing to do with being "strong" either. Does have a lot to do with being able to "think" before you dive though.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 22
Strong Woman
Posted: 1/17/2013 9:38:50 AM
My dad says I'm not enough of a feminist and need to address this before ending up with more of 'em and ending up with guys who date me and treat me like crap.

There's an element of truth within it, but that's not the solution. First, identify the problem. Feminist or not, you're attracted to dominant guys who are a-holes. Being feminist will just make you not put up with it for very long, but then you're just back to square 1 -- no solution.

The world isn't black & white of dominant & shy guys. You know that. You don't go the opposite end of the spectrum -- again, not a solution. The fact is, you don't just like dominant guys -- you like guys who ARE a-holes. That is your problem. It stems from you liking dominant guys, but like a fat kid loving cake, you want more than that. Hence, guys who are outwardly "dominant" and will treat you like crap. With those guys they ooze that manliness and dominance as leaders -- yes. But you don't like the side-effects of it. Analogy: You love to drink too many shots, but you complain about the hangovers. It's what you like that's the problem.

Solution: Grow up. :) It's not going to happen overnight. Experiences will end up putting you in the right place of your tastes... but you just can't will your tastes toward fat guys, shy guys, ginger kids, etc. It's your own self-esteem problems that's to blame. You have to understand that the guys who are a-holes like that -- they also have self-esteem problems. They're p*ssies underneath. They're like a $10k car whose body is one of a sleek, stylish sports car, but it just has a squirrely, petty 4-cylinder engine underneath -- but hey, most girly girls aren't going to know that! They'll think it's a kick-ass $60k car! :) But you know what? You don't care right now.

Best thing to do is just surround yourself by guys who aren't shy & timid, and not seemingly "dominant". Change crowds and keep it that way for a long time. It will help speed up your change.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 26
Strong Woman
Posted: 1/17/2013 9:09:07 PM

And yeah my dad was dominant I think.


This is called imago.
You are attracted to your fathers character.
Normally a person will try to fix that character flaw in someone else.
It doesn't work.

This is embedded in YOU
And you will keep attracting this type of individual.
This needs some therapy on your part to figure out how to work around it.

Find a counsellor that you can work with
It's not going to be fixed overnight, but ...
It will do you a world of good.
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 30
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Strong Woman
Posted: 1/18/2013 7:49:48 PM
Am gonna go out on a limb a bit here, but between your profile and your replies here, I'm thinking maybe you're the type who often lives a lot ''in their head'' and tends to be sorta ''analytical'', as in distanced from your real feelings. Which naturally leads to bad choices, at least the ''emotional'' kind.

So if it's practical, I like ''entertaining's'' suggestion about finding a therapist, including to help learn about the proverbial ''getting in touch with your feelings'' (geez, I hate that expression... LOL)! Because even if you do find ''the one'', it would still be a real helpful skill in any relationship!
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 33
Strong Woman
Posted: 1/19/2013 4:41:07 PM
Lu: What is your father's interpretation of Feminism?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 34
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Strong Woman
Posted: 1/19/2013 6:19:50 PM
Make yourself completely independent before looking for a fellow.

Really, once you can pay your own way, lift heavy objects, defend yourself, build a fire, haul water, follow through on your own gig...then you will pick a fellow for the right reasons.

I don't know why so many look for a partner when what they have to offer isn't even satisfying to themselves.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 37
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Strong Woman
Posted: 1/20/2013 1:32:36 AM
He will come and you won't have to think about it. You will know and you will trust that you do know, because you are healthy in mind and body. Thinking too much complicates, quit it! lol

Just be and when he comes around ('cause he will) you'll be happy he did and the two of you can take it as it goes. Perfection is a fantasy! Get that out of your head. (you will know this and be fine with imperfection soon).
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 43
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''Strong Women''...
Posted: 1/21/2013 7:01:16 PM
Remember, there is a big difference between a strong, educated, intelligent, attractive, successful, self-sufficient woman and a pushy, opinionated, loud-mouthed, demanding, selfish, entitled, hyper-competititve, trainwreck.

Some women are completely confused on this issue! There are truly "Strong Women" and then there are just "Difficult, Annoying Women".

Amen to that! Whenever I hear that expression, am usually thinkin', ''uh-oh, somebody's got sumthin' to prove!'' 'Cuz the ones who are truly strong, independent, etc. don't have to 'broadcast' it, they just ''are''!

BTW, under the ''what do men (or women) want / how are 'ya feeling'' category, here's a wild idea... maybe we could just ASK each other (instead of relying on 'telepathy')!! IMHO, actually being sincerely interested in how someone else feels, is such a rare occurrence these days, and I know it sure as heck gets my attention! ;-p
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