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 lightningman1
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 26
Never the right ChemistryPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
To tell you the truth i never had to reject any girls in my life.As i have not been out with many.
So that gives me know boast to my ego.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 27
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 8:13:28 PM
was that your first date after 1 1/2 yr? then it can be an awkward one for her . hope this incident didnt discourage you from dating so please dont wait for another year or so. date as many as you can so you can understand complicated women species out there :)
 lightningman1
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 28
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 8:25:08 PM
Yes it was,, If you thought it was hard for her just think how i felt.

And as far as dating is concerened it has taken me that much time to actually find somone willing to go out with me.
So the time frame is out of my hands to a degree.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 29
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 8:31:45 PM
OP: ive heard stories like yours often. look at it this way, youre making progress. at least you found a girl that was interested enough to actually meet you. look at all the poor guys on here that cant even get that much from pof. also, id be happy that your 2 hour date was just at a coffee shop or something and not some expensive night out. at least you didnt have to spend a days pay to figure out you didnt light her fire for whatever reason. i know uglier dudes than you that can get dates, you can too. best of luck man.
 CyclistWill77
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 8:50:25 PM
Hey, I hear you loud and clear. I've only dated 6 people in my life. Only two were willing to go on a second date with me. Most of the time the first date has lasted several hours and seemed to go well. Following the two exceptions, everyone else just up and vanished. One of the people who went on a second date with me seemed like she might honestly be interested. She was out of town/out of the country quite a bit ( a Masters Degree program that was study abroad.) but we still emailed each other every few days. Suddenly she sends me an email saying she is engaged to some guy from her class. Talk about a head scratcher. In my case there have only been a couple times where I just didn't have any connection with the other person at all. Apparently the feeling was mutual because in both cases they up and vanished (Not that I really pursued.)

Like you, I can't seem to meet anyone in real life. All my friends are married, all their friends are married. I more or less work alone, so that is a dead end for me as well. The sports and other activities that I'm interested in are all male dominated, and the few women who do venture into those realms are either someones girlfriend/wife or they are gay. I've never had to reject someone because I wasn't interested either.

Its seriously hard to learn from your mistakes when you don't know where you went wrong so you don't do it a second time. On top of that, when you only get 1 date a year (if you are lucky) its tough knowing that its likely your one shot for the year. Sure people who aren't as unlucky as us can say "Don't put so much pressure on yourself" or "there are other fish in the sea, don't worry about it. " Well, its looking like a very big sea that is very sparsely populated. Its more than a little frustrating when all you want to do is experience what the rest of the world often takes for granted, yet try as you might, you may as well be a Nobel gas (reacts with nothing. Sorry I was reaching for a Chemistry joke there.) Yeah, it sucks when on paper you are what 99% of the people say they are looking for but when it comes down to it, you aren't worth anyone's time or effort. Frustrating for sure.
 ladysuccubus
Joined: 12/13/2012
Msg: 31
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 9:09:02 PM
At least she didn't string you along, and waited later to tell you this. I would of thanked her.
 lightningman1
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 32
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 9:10:35 PM
That seems to be the story of my life....
The only thing is i rarely even fall into the friend zone.

But if they don't physically like me there is very little i can do about it.
Its the way i was born...
I am also shy which does not help.
Was going to try the bearded look or a goatee.
Maybe that would inhance my facial features.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 33
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 9:25:28 PM
I hear ya. I had a wonderful first date with a guy I met a couple summers back on the Cupid site. We talked and laughed until 2 in the morning, and I already was smitten..to me, this was wonderful, it was like we had known each other forever...and at the end of the date we got up to depart and he gave me a hug goodbye and said he felt "no spark" but still wanted to be friends. Stupidly I agreed, and set off on a year of sexual frustration and pain.

I have since ended the friendship.

I subsequently have again gotten the "I feel no spark but I really would like to be a friend" thing.

This time, no matter who it is, I decline the offer.

I have plenty of male friends. I am looking for a boyfriend.

Just keep sight of what it is you want..let those go who just wanna "hang" and especially do NOT allow yourself to be friendzoned by anyone, then continue to hang out with them hoping.

Also, it is impossible to judge how attracted a person is to you even if you've had a "great date." People can have a great time but feel nothing sexually.
 DevilfromToronto
Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 34
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 9:34:21 PM

Was going to try the bearded look or a goatee


I think you look better with clean face,

I think physical attraction might not be the issue, or she would not have been with you for 2 hours, it was not a dinner date that took longer time to finish. Its common sense that if she was not attracted to you physically, she would probably wanted/tried to leave the date asap. In my opinion, she found no connection with you (from the conversation).
 lightningman1
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 35
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 9:36:29 PM
Passionflower-Were u touchy feely with her, did u flirt and build a sexual tension.

Not if you wanted to be taken to court??
You even have to think twice about opening a car door for a woman were i am from.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 36
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 9:41:13 PM
Attraction, chemistry, sparks, butterflies, crush, hots, he's just not that into you (lack of love )... these are all code for love.

You had to be doing some things right for her to even contact you again, at least she had a decent impression of you from a friend standpoint. Attraction is somewhat elusive, the proverbial needle in the haystack. It's a numbers game... you never know who or where you'll meet your own little hot lips, get out there and meet more women. You only need to find one good one, it's not so bad. Keep your head up.
 Green_Jello44
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 37
view profile
History
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 9:44:33 PM
Well lets be positive here, at least you won't be shut out this year, ya got one date, now get another! You are who you are, be proud of it and don't change it to satisfy the dating world, but do be aggressive, keep trying, then go smash your head on the wall, then take a day off, then get back at it. As far as chemistry, it can happen on a first date, bigtime.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 9:48:17 PM

You must be thinking like a man. For myself and a lot of women, looks are only a small part of the attraction equation. Voice, movements, body language, etc., all contribute to or detract from sexual attraction. I can think a man is simply gorgeous and feel no attraction to him IRL. In high school, my best guy friend was simply stunning--and I had zero attraction to him. It was completely platonic.


No, a woman brought up that chemistry is about physical attraction in this very thread. This is what I wrote:


But the way I have learned what chemistry means is not just physical attraction but also how compatible you are in terms of comfort and ease talking about a variety of topics. The flow of conversation, the flirting, eye contact, etc
 Pragmatous78
Joined: 1/6/2013
Msg: 39
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 10:08:51 PM
Actually you cannot. The media and Hollywood makes you believe that is what's suppose to happen, but in contrary it takes some getting to know the person to see if there is chemistry. It's what has been done for 3000 years. It's only been recently in the past 20 years that this idea of first date chemistry was invented. There is no way you can know someone in 2 days let alone 2 hours. It takes months of friendship to know someone.


Having something in common is not the same thing as chemistry. All she means is, she does not want to have sex with you. A woman can easily tell that in 2 minutes let alone 2 hours.
 lightningman1
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 40
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 10:10:16 PM
In all honesty i am not the pushy type as i don't like to be pushed.
I am pretty laid back that is my nature.Some people say i am to laid back.
But there you go....

I am not one of these Paranoid over Jealous Nutters out there.
like some i have seen.
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 41
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 10:19:32 PM
You should have thanked her for her honestly, and said no worries, you found her to be an attractive and intelligent women, and wish her the best in her life, you would still like to be friends though...Could also mention a friend that you could fix her up with that would be perfect for her...Throw her in the friends zone, and for that matter, any other date act like you basically love them but are not overly attracted to them, but say they are attractive, if that makes sense,lol...
I was just thinking about this last week, about the FRIEND ZONE, and I do not know, or how other people handle the friend zone,lol, but I came to a realization, I have had sex with most all the women in my friend zone, and really if I perused almost any of them, I am almost sure we would start a relationship(even in some cases where they are in a relationship)...We still remain friends, some I know found me attractive right away, some like a fine wine, learned to appreciated me ,lol, but our friendship never changed with sex...When you have people in your life you can communicate to, and understand you to a point, genuinely listen, and you gel well, over time, how can you not connect...Point Im trying to horribly make,lol, is, the friend zone is a great place to be in, it is just the timing that puts you there...
 Pragmatous78
Joined: 1/6/2013
Msg: 42
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 10:40:15 PM
I dunno dude shrug it off and buy a mustang - **** it. Life's a party just rock it.
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 43
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 10:52:00 PM

This Chemistry thing has always buffled me. I thought we had plenty in common ......


You can have plenty in common but that doesn't necessarily mean that there will be romantic chemistry.

I have lots in common with some of my guy friends - but no romantic chemistry whatsoever.

To me "chemistry" in a boy-girl relationship refers to a romantic connection/sexual interest. Romantic connection comes not just from physical attraction but personality connection as well.

..and then these things too:



Voice, movements, body language, etc., all contribute to or detract from sexual attraction. I can think a man is simply gorgeous and feel no attraction to him IRL. In high school, my best guy friend was simply stunning--and I had zero attraction to him. It was completely platonic.


^^^ I would also add to the above list -- matching sense of humor. It helps greatly in bringing people closer together.

I have a guy friend who I would categorize in the good-looking range. .. But his personality is duller than a bag of hammers.





It's not chemical at all. It makes no sense. I hate this word to describe love.


Its' not (just) about love. Can't really call it love when you have just met. ... On a broader, non-romantic sense of things -- chemistry is simply is the reaction of how 2 people mesh together.

... If you think about, it we have different "chemistries" with everyone that we come into contact (engage) with. Think about your friends, male & female. ... I bet you have some friends who you connect with better than others. . Even among your immediate family -- you might have a sibling or two who you relate to better than your other siblings. .. Or your mom & dad. Or cousins and aunts and uncles and so on and so forth.

....... Amongst my group of friends, there are some whom I have better chemistry with and I know that I can confide some of my deepest most complex thoughts & feelings with, and they would get me. ... Then there are some friends who I know that I could tell them the same thing and they just won't be able to relate or they would relate to it totally different from my other friend(s). .... That's what chemistry is about to me..


It isn't something that you can control or change. .. It's either there or it isn't.


Nevertheless, don't beat yourself up over this OP. ..... Gotta remind yourself that we can't and shouldn't expect to be everyone's cuppa tea. ....... Mutual romantic chemistry isn't something that happens everyday for the rest of us either. ... .. Keep on trudging and don't take it so seriously.

 Pragmatous78
Joined: 1/6/2013
Msg: 44
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 11:02:08 PM
Bag of hammers - Sounds deadly!

Chemistry - a : a strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy
b : interaction between people working together; specifically : such interaction when harmonious or effective

I would argue that this is common sense. I think you learn this in kindergarten.
 DevilfromToronto
Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 45
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 11:13:08 PM
Don't whine about it. Just go on another date.


getting opinions on here will sure benefit OP before heading for the next date


I really don't believe in a "mutual chemistry" reaction. Often, one is in love and not the other one, so it would be a one way chemistry. Each have it's own emotion, and it's seperate.


I think you have to find out and understand what this "chemistry" means before you post any opinion
 lightningman1
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 46
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 11:15:39 PM
The men who women want to sleep with have plenty of money,Good looking and drive a fancy car.Can be very nice geniune people or complete Arseholes and it would make no difference to most women.
Thats how i see it.
Can anyone prove me wrong eg???

In other words they were born with the fire...


Proteaus-With the ratio of at least 20 men per woman you have to figure she had other men lined up in her hurry to check them all out.They did a study over on the cupid site and women felt 80% of the men were below average and the rest average .This is what you have to contend with unfortunately..
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 47
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 11:26:35 PM

Also, some men seems to have a very good chemistry because all the women want to sleep with them. And some don't. For those who have some problems, it's not just a matter of looking for the right person, they have to work on themself in order to make the woman "chemistry" to work. It's not about a good match, it's about how the start de fire and it's more or less the same formula for most women.


^^^^ So you are saying that you have the ONE secret formula that will work for all women?? .... .. .. Quick! Call a marketing agent!!!

You are talking about sex appeal alone. The same sort of thing you come across when you open the pages of a playboy or maxim magazine. Not all of us are supermodels nor are we looking for that. .. You ignore what has already been pointed out above in my and other posters' responses that there are many things that contribute to romantic chemistry ..


When people's romantic interests do not get reciprocated, one of the most common complaints (we see a lot on the forums) from both genders is: "Oh why do all men/women want super models/ trophy wives/gf's/ trophy husbands/ bf's !?!?" ..............
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 48
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2013 11:49:30 PM

We will not care if a girls is, stupid, poor, no personality, etc...as long as she is HOT.


Well if sex is the only thing you are looking for then of course all other elements will not matter.

But just scan these forums and you will see how many people, women AND men, come in here posting about "She/he was good looking, charming, blah blah" ... then that person treated them like dirt/ abused/cheated or took advantage of them .....

Even scenarios of FWB's where supposedly there should not be any emotional investment -- cannot escape the fact that a relationship cannot thrive on sexual attraction alone.

Obviously other elements such as character, personality, attitude, etc do matter or else we'd cease to have people posting their daily relationship woes in these forums.
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 49
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2013 12:36:45 AM

The men who women want to sleep with have plenty of money,Good looking and drive a fancy car.Can be very nice geniune people or complete Arseholes and it would make no difference to most women.
Thats how i see it.
Can anyone prove me wrong eg???





There are somewomen who are attracted to looks + money + material matters regardless of how the man's character is.

.. And there are other women who actually do take into account a man's personality & character too among other things (apart from physical looks alone).

But it seems the latter point might never get across here because -- this thread is starting to turn into yet another "nice guy" thread ..... (no.# 9,789,435,374 ....... ) .... Where the generalization is that "All the ladies don't like the 'nice guy' but will flock to the rich, good looking arsehole" ........ THE END .. or at least until next week when we regurgitate the same issues and spit out the same stereotypes to explain our disappointment in the dating, mating & relating world ... all over again.







I'm not saying that people can't go beyond that!!! I never said that was the only thing I want!!

I'm explaning a concept. One force in this complex equation. And why some women use the word chemistry to explain their lack of interest and why some men feel that they never have "the right chemistry". It dosen't help if we have fear or try to ignore the wild side inside each of us. People prefer to pretend that it's out of logic or it's a vague chemistry concept...no, it's all logic. The nature is logic, not magical.



^^^ I didn't use "you" as in referring to you personally. I used "you" as in generally speaking that: If sex is the only thing an individual is looking for then of course all other elements will not matter.

.. meaning that I agree with your point, but only under a certain circumstance.


Besides, initially you even said it yourself that:


Exactly, but don't get too made because men are the same in a way. We will not care if a girls is, stupid, poor, no personality, etc...as long as she is HOT. It's the same, but it's the outside beauty and that's what we need to be turned on.



No one ever refuted that looks do not matter. .. Matter of fact, many of the women's responses in here reiterate that fact that indeed it seemed like OP's date was not physically /sexually attracted to OP. .. and of which could also include that OP's date may not have felt any connection towards him in other aspects too.

No one said it was "magical". .. My stance is that you cannot force chemistry. It is either there or it isn't. .... Many of us face the same issues. .... Thus that is why many of us are also here ... I suggested that OP perhaps might want to consider lightening up his expectations and not take it so seriously when someone does not feel any "chemistry" for him. .........


And yes, to your point about self-improvement --- One can always try to improve one's social skills, confidence, and/or physical traits (if applicable: posture, grooming habits, etc) ....... There is no guarantee however, that those things will somehow change a woman who already did not feel anything for OP to all of a sudden FEEL any differently for him.

..... Work on self-improvement if you need it, yet also don't get so caught up just cos you went on a date that did not work out in your favor ..... Keeping a POSITIVE attitude is one element which I see quite the challenge for a lot of people, men & women alike, on the dating scene. ... Perhaps that is the one element which many of us need more than anything else.

~ Peace out .. (until the next debate!! )



 lightningman1
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 50
Never the right Chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2013 2:05:27 AM
It wouldn't bother me if i could get dates as easy as that.
But considering i even struggle to catch a womans eye or get a reply.
I could count my dating experience on nearly 2 hands and thats pushing it.
Its very frustrating to screw up when my options are very limited in the first place.
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