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 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 5
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Dates that gabble on incessantlyPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I don't think this can be taught. People are nervous in a date. Some go the wrong way and start flopping about looking for interesting tidbits and anecdotes to preen with. I do that, knowing I'm diving from the 10 meter platform into sand. You'd think we'd resist the urge, but once you've done all the work to climb up to the 10 meter its hard not to resist the urge to dive when all the little voices are screaming, 'jump, jump, jump- she needs to see you dive!'

Its insensitivity to the body-language and almost pathological neglect for the magic of the situation. I mean - the whole point is to pickup cues from the other person that they can't easily share through talk and text - that's not just listening to what they're saying but simply observing a bit, discreetly. Not sure that can be taught, particularly to those who are a little weak on it to begin and in the fire of the moment when so many other demons crawl across the mental screen.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 6
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:35:16 AM
Was this a date or meet and greet?

If it was a meet and greet, and he spoke excessively about himself, well then ... there is your opportunity to CHOOSE not to accept a date with motormouth.
All it cost you was one coffee and half an hour.

If you chose to go automatically on a date prior to meeting someone, then that is cause for your unhappiness.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 7
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:41:01 AM
Maybe your not the conversationalist you believe yourself to be & they're just trying to fill the void & awkward silence.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 8
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 7:07:24 AM
I had a first date like that once. He did talk on and on about himself, his life, his family, etc. I thought he was probably just nervous, so I let him. About 20 min. later, when he took a breath to take a bite of food (and mine was almost gone) I mentioned something from my own life. He gave me a blank stare, and then went right back to talking about himself. I tried this one more time, thinking he must be getting tired of talking by now, but he did the same thing. I made up my mind that this would be the last date. When we got to the parking lot, I said "thanks, have a good night" and got in my car, started it and drove away while he stood there looking confused.

Thing with these guys is, they don't understand what just happened because THEY just had a great date, lol.
 funny4uwannatry
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 9
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 7:48:15 AM
If you cant get a word in edgewise, its time to leave. politely say I have somewhere to be and leave. Sometimes people just do not get it, but I don't sit listening to nonsense for hours unless I am getting paid for it. Politely state, its was nice meeting him and leave. ( unless of course you are being held at gun point or there is duct tape or handcuffs involved.. otherwise, run)
 funny4uwannatry
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 10
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 7:56:18 AM
Lol fatugly.. that would work too, giggles.
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 11
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 8:49:00 AM
No reason to try to stop it. Within a few minutes, you will know he is not for you so as others have said, thank him for his time and tell him you are not a match. You will NEVER change that behavior. What is hilarious is when they finally pause to take a breath, they often comment "You are sure quiet!" lol
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 12
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 8:59:29 AM
Windchymes - yep, same here - he messaged me today to say what a great date we'd had.

Like you I did manage to start a conversation on some occasions, but as soon as it was his turn to speak he just went right on chattering away, as the lady upthread described it "like a wood pecker drilling on my head". I didn't say earlier but the date went on for hours and hours and I could not think of a way to bring it to an end because, stupidly, when we'd been discussing meeting I'd told him that I was free all day and evening.

So, ladies, you don't think I can change this one thing about him? This is a GREAT SHAME because in every other respect he ticks so many boxes that other men do not. For the first hour of the date we were engaged in a social activity and so there was no opportunity for him to ramble on. We BOTH spoke for a bit, but were otherwise engaged in the activity, and I was very VERY keen on him. Then as the hours together progressed, minute by minute he killed every bit of my excitement and eventually replaced it with boredom.

Don'get me wrong -- I DO want to learn everything about him: he's had a very interesting life (he was in the army and retired at major rank) which I would love to hear about, but in smaller doses and over the next 20 years, but it was like he needed to tell me everything he'd every done on our first date, plus the entire story of his marriage and anecdotes of his two daughters' lives as well. (Strangely, his emails are rather short!)

I certainly could not learn to live with it. Like the lady said upthread he was talking as though I'd known all the people in his anecdotes for years.

I suppose, if I cannot put up with it (and I can't) and therefore am resigned to losing him anyway, it won't hurt for me to tell him exactly why. Two reasons: 1) it might help him by preventing him from doing the same thing with his NEXT date and 2) what if he were to apologise and say he did not realise/was nervous/will check this behaviour in the future?

Like the lady upthread said, he's a middle aged, newly-divorced man, and they are often like this!

But still, what form of words can I use to CONVEY his woodpeckerism without hurting his feelings too much?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 13
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:20:32 AM
I have the opposite problem. I'm a man of few words. If someone asks me a question or if I have a point to make about a topic people I'm with are discussing, I will speak. Otherwise, I usually say nothing. I've been asked countless times "Why are you so quiet"? I don't have a need to hear myself speak for no reason. The problem I have is people often interpret my lack of non-stop conversation as having no interest in the person, which is not usually the case.

So which would you prefer. A quiet person or a motor mouth like the guy you're talking about?
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 14
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:27:08 AM
"So which would you prefer. A quiet person or a motor mouth like the guy you're talking about?"

I've actually been on a date with a man who said no more than ten words in the two hours we were together. I tried over and over again to ask him questions to "bring him out" (e.g. so, "tell me about your job..." and "what's your living situation?") but he just shrugged and stared out of the window. I cut the date very short and left. That was MUCH more uncomfortable and weird than someone talking incessantly.

BUT

But I have a question for YOU, Maleman: why should a woman have to choose between "a quiet person or a motor mouth"? Why can't you guys just learn the effing RULES of conversation?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 15
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:33:14 AM
The RULES of conversation?

Really, OP! What is this about your need to control everything?

People have different levels of being talkative. Pick one who is to your liking and stop trying to change the ones who aren't. You can't custom build a man!
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 16
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:33:42 AM
You have to break his train of thought.
Motown offers verbal suggestions.
I prefer physical. Tell him you want to test his reflexes or balance and
ask him to stand on one leg or close his eyes and touch his finger to the end of his nose
or pat his head while rubbing his tummy or some such thing. It will shut him up and entertain passers by.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 17
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 11:21:33 AM
My ex-husband is a teacher and has verbal diarrhea. I raise my hand. He instantly stops talking to call on me.
 Indira46
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 18
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 11:36:48 AM
^^^^ that's hilarious!
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 19
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 12:55:32 PM
The person who talks a lot may be nervous...if within reason, then forgivable.

However, this is not the same as the person who talks a lot but doesn't respond to YOUR words or makes no inquiries about YOU. This type is just inconsiderate and lacks empathy..a big red flag.

Conversation is two way. If he or she talks a lot but then listens and lets you talk then it's 'whatever' turns one's crank. Most of us tend to want moderate talker who is verbal but some couples enjoy constant banter back and forth.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 20
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 1:45:04 PM
There's rumors that in the long run men talk less, a lot less, like 1/3rd- give him time to burn out. Or maybe its an urban legend- the online info is ambiguous.
 SambaDeUmaNotaSo
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 21
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 1:47:35 PM
You can say:

"Wow, that is really fascinating, and I am enjoying learning about you."

"I have an idea, let me tell you more about me now, and from there, we'll both know more about each other."

If he cuts you off again, you can say, "wow, that is really interesting, and all your stories are interesting, but I have more things to tell you about me now" (and then smile sweetly) - and repeat as necessary.

The technique is called fogging, where you just keep repeating the same phrase over and over till it sinks in, and he stops dead in his tracks.

:)
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 22
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 2:49:47 PM
"I have an idea, let me tell you more about me now, and from there, we'll both know more about each other."
If he cuts you off again, you can say, "wow, that is really interesting, and all your stories are interesting, but I have more things to tell you about me now" (and then smile sweetly) - and repeat as necessary.

I used a similar technique on a chatty date I had. It worked, to an extent, in that he did eventually ask about me and even gave me time to get through a response before bringing the conversation back to himself. We had another couple of dates - but by the third date he had reverted to "it's all about me me me memememe", and it was clear he rememberd virtually nothing of what I'd told him about myself.
 SambaDeUmaNotaSo
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 23
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 2:54:44 PM
And Date No. 4? kkkkkkkkkkkkk (this is the Brazilian equivalent for lolololooololool).
 jjoenyc73
Joined: 11/9/2012
Msg: 24
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 2:59:49 PM
Actually in some cultures us men are expected to do 90% of the talking. Yes 90%. If the women does not walk away ,shes still interested.
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 25
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 3:15:44 PM
Happy gal wrote:



Curviest I would mention to the gentleman thats talking about his ex is not something your interested in hearing.


Actually, I do not mind that one bit. I like when a man talks about his ex because it reveals so much about his attitude to women.

It wasn't that he was filling up the silences it was the CONTENT of his endless anecdotes -- they weren't telling me anything about HIMSELF. It was just endless stories and anecdotes about other people... and they weren't humorous anecdotes, nor were they told to illustrate a point.He doesn't live alone; he has two teenage daughters at home, and he is now a teacher so he has a "captive audience" all day every day.



You could start off by saying you had a nice time (sounds like you did mostly) but you were a little overwhelmed by the amount of information imparted on a first date. You could make a joke about how you won't have anything left to talk about.

Symphony's suggestion above is another example of her good sense. She really is a great asset to this forum. So, thanks for giving me a tactful way of telling him my problem. Sweetness also makes a great suggestion:



give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he was simply nervous? That way, if you find that no, nervousness had nothing to do with it and it's simply his personality and not likely to change, THEN you can make a final decision.


I will because there are a lot of good things about him - honest, decent, clean living, well-groomed, hardworking, intelligent, warm-hearted, and he's the right age and he likes me very much and has no problem with my being obese. Men like that do NOT come along every day.

And Samba.... thanks for this (below). If I do meet another like this, or if he does it again on our 2nd date, I will employ your technique.



"I have an idea, let me tell you more about me now, and from there, we'll both know more about each other."



Right, now to use Symphony's idea and go write him an email!

Thanks to those who "got it" and made suggestions.
 MA3/3
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 26
Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 5:44:32 PM
I find people that do that are just way into themselves..........I married one of those.........and now I know why we aren't together anymore......I could try and start a conversation about anything and he would not even hear a word I said and start a new conversation on his own..........I give up........if they don't ask any questions about you....be wary..........
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 27
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Dates that gabble on incessantly
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:40:37 PM

"SHUTUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP"
~Detective john kimball from kindergarden cop


Actually, Sister Mary Elephant did it first. :)

(70's...Cheech & Chong)
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