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 AUTHOR
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 30
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I think I have doen something rather stupidPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
To the OP --

There are a lot of jerks, or simply dishonest guys out there. Sometimes otherwise good guys make up stupid excuses to conceal the fact that they're just not that interested in you.

When I was dating, I kissed 100's of frogs before I found my prince. Most of them I just blew off or chalked up to experiences. But then there would be that 1 in 100 times when I would get so fed up I would just lose it.

So that 100th guy just got "nailed to a cross" to atone for the "sins" of the other 99. I try to be mature, myself, but to be honest, sometimes it just happens.

The guy in question has probably felt the ire of many differnet women before. If not -- he'll live to feel it another day.

Don't worry about it. Just learn from it. What you did wasn't really all that bad. No where nearly as bad as those Ex-Lax brownies I baked........
 lilui
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 31
I think I have done something rather stupid
Posted: 3/23/2013 2:17:59 PM
I used to feel hurt by disappearances and rejection, but no more. I had some pretty strange situations, when the first date was soooooooooooo good, we had a great time, walked hand in hand, kissed and agreed to meet again, when they disappeared without one sign of life and I then saw them again in the site looking for another woman, in the beginning I felt truly hurt but no more, I didnt feel that every man I got to know was a match but this does not do them undatable to someone else, it is a question of compability, of not knowing if they just wanted sex and not having had it disappeared to find an easy prey, of not knowing if they are unavailable in the first place or if they have issues that will make them not to proceed. Most of disappearances have nothing to do with you but with them, I even met a man who said that he liked to get the woman really in love and then, disappear tottaly. Its their own problems.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 32
I think I have done something rather stupid
Posted: 3/23/2013 2:41:31 PM
He didn't reject her, he jerked her around by recinding the second date. And she's got every right to shoot him a email of annoyance. He's most likely in a relationship and realized she's too smart to manipulate and fears his cover being blown and wifey or girlfriend kicking him out on the street.

O.P. learn to trust your anger. 9 times out of 10 I get some type of validation when I've gotten angry with someone that they were being dishonest with me. Trust your gut response of anger, it will serve you well in avoiding frogs in the dating arena and life in general.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 34
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/4/2013 4:12:12 PM
Lizzie, please dear, listen to me, you didnt do anything wrong. You expressed disappointment, but it wasn't immature of you it's just that you didn't have realistic expectations. That comes with experience with online dating, trust me it happens to EVERYONE!

The mistakes you made, not from anything other than inexperience, you invested too much time before you met. We're probably ALL done that! This is a learning curve, so don't fault yourself if you don't have it all down pat just coming out of the chute....haha. Also, don't leave it up to him as to when you meet, or give the other person too much control, they won't appreciate it. Another thing, I believe in keeping first meets no longer than an hour, the longer the first meet, the more likely there will be no more. The reason? My best guess is that you just can't rush getting to know someone, so it's all what you're telling each other and the longer you try to tell someone about you and your experience, the more they have to think about and it could be some little thing that once they think about, it comes off another way in their head.

For someone we don't know, we have no context for things that happen or conversations. A friend can say something to me, and I have a context to put it in because I KNOW them. A stranger could say the same thing, and I'm ready to head for the door or mentally blocking their email. Does that make sense?

Spending a LOT of time (8 hours is a LOT IMO) with a stranger doesn't equate to you knowing them any better.

Don't fault yourself for anything, hang out in the forums and keep going out meeting guys. You'll figure out what works for you and there's be a few umm well let's say interesting situations along the way.

Hope that helps and don't you dare be upset with yourself!!
 EyesRgreen_62
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 36
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/4/2013 4:57:30 PM

"glad I haven't put you off online dating"


That's how you felt and you said it ... I see nothing wring with being honest when you've been treated as you were. I would leave it at that and never message him again. I personally feel like a person owes another person an explanation when they've invested time and given of themselves. Some people are not receptive to this type of straight forward honesty ... and some are.

In my book, he's rather a bit of a chicken shit ... and you dodged a bullet.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 37
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/4/2013 5:05:05 PM
"I personally feel like a person owes another person an explanation when they've invested time and given of themselves" I do too, however I don't expect for everyone else to have the same standards of behavior, politeness/courtesy that I do. Plus I'm aware that some people just avoid any explanation that wouldn't be positive because they're afraid of a nasty confrontation or argument. I understand that, because I've attracted a stalker by doing so. Some people can't handle anything that isn't an affirmation of how great they are...haha.
 SweetSun13
Joined: 3/30/2013
Msg: 38
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/4/2013 5:09:23 PM
Atleast he said so and didnt just fade away with no replies, thats annoying.
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 39
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/5/2013 3:26:54 AM
So did he reply?
 BrookeAda
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 40
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/5/2013 6:26:24 AM
Did he reply? Good question. The dude comes off as a jerk. You have done nothing wrong. I have encountered several via online dating. They lead you on , then move on for no apparent reason. Some don't have the cajones to say a word. They pump their egos by hooking you then casting you off. Don't fret dear. It is normal to feel hurt. This rude jerk isn't worth your breath.
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 41
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/5/2013 6:31:12 AM
He could have been more upfront and said you were not a match rather than blaming it on 'dating in general'. But the outcome is the same. Don't worry about it, keep looking.
 Hasty_Pudding
Joined: 2/26/2013
Msg: 42
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/5/2013 7:19:36 AM

NOWHERE in any of the OP's posts above yours did she say anything about wanting him to remove his profile.
Try actually reading - and comprehending - the OP before jumping down someone's throat.

80% of all forum posts would disappear if we did that.

OP,
Your emotional reaction was a natural one to
a) being lied to
b) having your nose rubbed in the lie

What in the hell would have been wrong with texting "It was good to meet you but I don't feel we are a match, good luck in your search"
compared to telling you he wasn't sure about dating in general
knowing
you would be seeing him online when he got right back online.

Now, the outward expression of an emotional reaction -- that's natural, too.
Yours was kinda funny/sarcastic/sassy -- and then you dropped it. Unlike some who will call names and try to stalk even if they do get the polite "no" they claim is all that they seek.
 TheSereneGreenthumb
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 43
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/5/2013 7:26:36 AM
Let it go and be at peace with yourself ! Beating yourself up over your initial reactions is plain stupid, not the natural reactions themselves. If someone is flaky, let em flake. They'll eventually get to their real inner core when all the flakes fall off and then what? Don't be there to find out. ;)
 moonchildmn
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 44
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/5/2013 7:30:52 AM

Yours was kinda funny/sarcastic/sassy -- and then you dropped it. Unlike some who will call names and try to stalk even if they do get the polite "no" they claim is all that they seek.


I agree, I think it was cute...you let him know he was a DB in a funny way, you gave him a great zinger and then let it go.

Don't worry that you didn't come across as perfect.
I've been known to throw a good zinger out in response to an outright lie. I love my zingers, it's what makes me "me".
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 46
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/5/2013 4:31:02 PM
Not to worry. It's not a matter of growing up, it's a matter of developing a thicker skin. Yours is now getting thicker and you are now a little wiser. We've all been there, we've all been rejected, we've all survived. Besides, he was probably married or has a girlfriend. At least that's what you tell yourself...then move on.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 48
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I think I have done something rather stupid
Posted: 4/6/2013 5:58:36 AM

Now I feel like a sad, immature human being! I wish I hadn't sent that message but I guess I got angry.
I clearly need to grow up!

I think it's perfectly normal to send a message like that.
Childish maybe, but you had to let your anger out.
 mmmkayyy
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 49
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/6/2013 5:59:23 AM
I think sometimes people get more attached to the "fantasy" of what could be....feeling that online connection, than the actual person. The same thing happened to me once---for 5 months!!----so consider yourself lucky you didn't waste that much time as I did lol. Just take this as a lesson learned for yourself about that guy. Be open to meet the right person, but don't get attached early on. Online dating is VERY fickle at times, gotta roll wid it ;)

And DEF "lose" his number. You don't want to have the temptation of messaging him again.
 TALLTEXAN2012
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 50
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I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/6/2013 6:14:39 AM
OP I think your reply was "spot on!"
I went on five dates with a guy and after the last one...nothing. I finally sent a "what went wrong?" message but no real explanation was given by him???
Months later he contacted me to go to dinner but I said "been there-done that" NO THANKS! Still not sure what went wrong...wasn't willing to back-track!!!
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 51
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/6/2013 6:57:55 AM
OP: I don't think you were wrong at all. Some people are just not worth being upset over though, and he is one of them. He mislead you and he has issues, not you. Some people come on dating sites just to play the field. Some are married, some would not know how to make an honest connection if they tried. I feel for you, its happened to many of us. I had a first meet that was awesome, we laughed and hung out together all day ( no sex) and his parting words were I guess we will be seeing a lot more of each other and then he vanished. No text, no call, no anything. Some people do this and say they want to avoid a scene.. Really? I think its just a cop out and plain rude. But, they wont change just because we ask them to. Some people are just not worth your time and the guy you were with was one of those. Best of luck in your search.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 52
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/6/2013 10:23:03 AM
You will be a lot happier if you do not waste one ounce of emotional energy wondering why someone lied or otherwise behaved badly. Work on developing the attitude of "Ok, next!" when a relationship breaks down. You have no control over how another person reacts to their situation, so you can only control your reaction. People feel hurt and angry when they think negatively about another's behavior and take it personally. Just do not take it personally. You cannot know why someone behaves badly and to take it personally is the mistake. It's their behavior. And it is not a rejection of you so much as it is a continuing search for someone who matches their needs. Why should you feel upset that you didn't meet their needs? You want someone whose needs you meet and who meets your needs. At least 1/2 the equation wasn't there, and one way or another, he let you know--Next!

Most connections do not end in something permanent or long term. No biggie.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 53
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/6/2013 10:44:25 AM
OP, you remind me so much of myself - when I was in my late teens I was worried about making sure I didn't emotionally react. You are an intelligent, logical human being who is keeping good inventory on your feelings and subsequent actions. So many people twice your age in the forums never learn to do this.

By default, because you are the way you are, you will likely never be needy - at least not for very long before you check yourself. IMO, 80% of the issues here are with people who don't often stop and take a look at themselves.

It's so good to see someone actually process their own experience in a healthy fashion. The only advice I would give (and I know it very well firsthand) is to avoid too much analyzing, allow yourself to be human (even if you want to keep your actions in check, you should allow yourself to feel the way you do), and try not to be too hard on yourself.

You dealt with someone who could have just said "I'm not interested" but instead thought that you had to be lied to. To some degree this is unfair as they assumed you wouldn't be able to deal with being told the truth. That's the part that would bother me way more than the guy not being interested.
 EyesRgreen_62
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 54
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/6/2013 10:50:15 AM

"I personally feel like a person owes another person an explanation when they've invested time and given of themselves"
I do too, however I don't expect for everyone else to have the same standards of behavior, politeness/courtesy that I do. Plus I'm aware that some people just avoid any explanation that wouldn't be positive because they're afraid of a nasty confrontation or argument. I understand that, because I've attracted a stalker by doing so. Some people can't handle anything that isn't an affirmation of how great they are...haha.


Yep ... you are right that not everyone can communicate in a matter that is polite and courteous ... there are ways to explain without being nasty or even negative :)

Re stalker ... I've had that unfortunate experience as well ... suspect I know who is behind the fake profiles ... but cannot be certain ... fortunately they have stopped.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 55
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I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/6/2013 9:04:00 PM
We all do things we regret later. It's a part of life and how we learn. How you feel is normal, but you are young. Just learn from it and move on. No harm, no foul!
 KatarzynaLuiza
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 57
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/7/2013 6:41:55 AM
That happend to me similar story. Went on a 3 dates with a guy just to gets msg after 3rd one stating that he don't fee a spark sorry. So I erased him from my fb n terminated words with friends game we were playing. He just text me that it was childish n how I could like him after only 3 dates. Well I did? What do u guys think?
 ladymercury
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 58
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/7/2013 11:14:19 AM
Give yourself a break, there is no harm done in letting a man know how you feel. If he is a mature man he would have assumed you were feeling some sadness about it not working out, resulting only in good emotions from your message. Water under the bridge, as they say; it sounds like maybe you at least made a distant friend out of the situation, even if you are not communicating on a regular basis.
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