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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction      Home login  
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 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 18
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need directionPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I can't help but also wonder am I suffering a delayed reaction to the breakup with my ex! I had it only a few months ago that I wound up a sobbing wreck because I hadn't properly dealt with losing a friend 2 years ago to a battle with cancer :(

I did text my boyfriend to say goodnight and that I loved him. I didn't call him because I didn't want to intrude. I've just emailed a potential counsellor that might be able to provide the service for free. When I see my boyfriend, how far do I go in telling him of the internal turmoil and reasoning or possible reasoning behind it and do I bother explaining my thoughts again or just leave him be....and me thinks maybe I should back off a bit and let him do the asking when he can see me etc but in order to do so, will require me going through the pains of shutting down emotionally a bit :( But maybe it's the best approach for the immediate future?
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 19
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 7:57:15 PM
You're being a pain in the butt. Your dude cares for you a lot, he's all in for adapting for what matters. Let him choose his own socks.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 20
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:06:19 PM
I'm sorry. My last note was completely uncalled for. OP- I'm sure you'll do fine. Thanks for posting a detailed and interesting quandary for us to ponder.
 Loves_Montana
Joined: 10/16/2012
Msg: 21
Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:28:57 PM
I suggest anyone trying to analyze themselves eat a bunch of Ex-Lax and try not to shit (kinda gross, sorry). I feel the only safe place to dump is with a counselor. My experience has been that disclosing past relationships is not advised. "The Speech" usually leaves the other person wondering WTF is this? Surprise, even counselors know these words. Don't use them at work, but this post is free fall! Many public mental health clinics do a great job working with the patient on charges. The person with the concerns needs to decide what road is best. If the check engine light in my car comes on, I know can probably still drive the car. The question is do I want to "waste" two years of my life hoping the light will go out or take it to a mechanic and have it fixed in short order. More food for thought. gary
 LG2727
Joined: 1/20/2010
Msg: 22
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:50:14 PM
Sounds to me like you like creating your own drama so you have something to **** about later. (and I am not insulting you, but most people dont get this simple fact) You and only you make the choices that affect your life. You cant control anyone elses life. Either get used to not being the center of this mans universe ie. the birthday thing..cmon! you could have celebrated that anytime! Or, remain alone till you can find a man who doubles as a doormat. If you are worried about him leaving/growing apart from you, then whats the problem? You should be making plans to end the whole thing already. If there are doubts, then understand that a womans intuition is usually right on, remember that when making your next move. Only you can make you happy, dont put that responsibility on anyone else.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 23
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 1:23:09 AM
OP are your hormones out of wack? I'm serious. (pregnant?) You really sound over the top and insecure and panicky.
Please calm down.

Are you able to take care of yourself financially? Emotionally? Have you even tried being alone?

I recommend it for awhile and just date him if you like. No more than once a week until you get settled and know which way YOU should steer YOURSELF. You are WAY too needy and child like.

He is trying to please you and himself and keep his self worth in tact and juggle things. Sounds like a tough gig, especially with you pointing out how he should be doing things different. He IS different. Love him and leave him alone. There is more than 1 way to do things. He may not be juggling things your way but that is allowed. He is allowed. Even if he screws up.
You have got to take his ways into consideration and do the best you can with what you have to work, with if you are going to be able to hang with this guy and not rip your hair out (or rip his self esteem up).

Do not plan your life around him and maybe don't be so adamant about how things ought to be.

Growing up means we understand that we can't always get what we want, the way we want.

I really recommend learning to deal with your issues before trying to fix him.

1 date per week, tops!

Take care.
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 24
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 2:19:42 AM
Paper: Sorry but no you have it wrong...rather than start on a Wednesday when an agreement had been made with the people who would pay him for the project, he decided that because they could only pay for 2 weeks, he would only start on the monday. I saw it coming and can't help but feel had he started on the Wednesday he could have covered the same stuff over say 16 days rather than 12 and it would have allowed him a bit more freedom during these 2 weeks to take an evening off and not have to push himself into exhaustion which is what he's doing.....

LG2727...it's why I'm on here...I don't like drama and don't want drama and am attempting to make sense of what's going on in my head. I find the ad hoc planning a bit unnerving and a big problem I have is I feel like one minute he's all talk of marriage but then when apart it often feels like he's disconnected -wants to get on with his own things be it watching tv even....i just feel like there's an imbalance in the us together and us not together and I'm struggling with it....I'm either all in and this person is my lifelong partner or not....I still think on the basis of feedback and my own logic that I should attempt to back off but again as per above I can't back off and be all switched on to the point of dreaming of marriage during our times together...ie if I back off and leave him space to make whatever ad hoc plans he wants and just hope for the best that somehow my plans and his will match up, then I need to withdraw emotionally a bit as well which I don't want :(

Really folks I'm aware I probably sound self -centered, a cow and all that....really I'm not...I'm just a woman who's feeling down the past week and I've come to what I hoped would be a safe haven for me to bounce what's in my head out to you guys and try and make some sense of it.

I do appreciate your responses :)
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 25
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 2:42:41 AM
Dame -pretty sure I'm not pregnant but yes I do feel outta whack and I don't know why.

I'm just going through a down moment and am trying to figure it out....

Yes he does try to please me in many ways which is one big reason why I'm here...I don't want to mess it up when I myself have said plenty of times that I have won the lotto with this guy!

I would have been happy dating but like I said he got all deep and talking about marriage and a family and stuff....I'm still battling with this a lot -I find it a struggle to be all deep in like that and then huppa he's gone or doing whatever and I'll just have to see him whenever our plans meet....it's just not sitting well with me no matter how I try to look at it.....

See folks the nub of it...imagine you are actually married to someone -then you would plan your life around that person right? We've talked so much of commitment that I've found myself going to that place and whilst I know he's committed and loves me and all that I feel like if we're not together then he does things whatever way he decides suits him best.....with a 2 week job stint, were I to just go ahead and make my own plans how I do then myself and my boyfriend would wind up with very little time together!
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 26
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 3:39:38 AM
Btw, I know I'm probably going to hard on him but again I think I have a point....just thinking about if I did the same sort of thing to him....I couldn't justify it it would go something like:

J-Hey honey I have a project in January.......I love you so much, I want you beside me always!
J-Yeah I'm waiting for that project to start once I talk to the guy
M-Great so you'll be starting on that once you hear from him? (Thinks about how J has made note of 2 upcoming personal dates that have had to be set to certain days to suit J and a few friends)
J-He called me today but he's only granting me 2 weeks so I'll start on monday
M-Oh...would it not ease the burden to start this week?
J-No I don't work more than the time I'm allowed. J then proceeds to spend the rest of the week until monday chilling and watching tv and stuff despite claims of wanting to start a new painting.
Monday comes around and J nonchalently tells M they might not see each other for 4 days due to the project and a need to work on the painting.
M-Well I understand you need to work hon but I hope it won't be to detriment of us having time together
J-Oh don't worry honey we have loads of time together!
*Then the personal plans they had made all come under scrutiny due to logistical problems for J. M tries to change everything around to suit friends and J. This happens twice. Plus M changes one plan from Friday to Tuesday to try and give J more leeway re the project.
*On the first friday J and M go up together to the place where the project is taking place. M goes off into a library until J is done which is very soon actually as J claims there's little to do. Next day same thing M goes into the library and J does some work on the project....they head back home for the evening and go out with their friends as planned.
*Sunday J is up for the project and stays with relatives nearby and agrees to meet M the next day for half 8. J talks of taking the day off monday. Around half 7 in the evening J messages M to say they can't meet until half 10 due to project work.
*Tuesday J and M have plans with family. J is very tired and M is feeling guilty now yet hoping for a bit of intimacy....there is but M can't help but feel that horrible feeling of pushing J into it a bit.
*Wednesday J is away working on the project
*Thursday it has been agreed to meet around 10 when J gets back....around 6 J messages to say they won't be meeting....

M subsequently gets annoyed.....
Do I have a point?
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 27
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 4:06:31 AM
In a nutshell he's a procrastinator and you're not. Like all of us procrastinators he has great intentions but due to his lack of planning/focus he ends up running behind. That means he has less time for you.
You can't change a person's basic personality/habits/choices.
So you either learn to live his way or move on. Are the good points in this relationship enough to overlook the bad? There are no perfect relationships, just different issues. Some issues are easier to live with than others.
I do think you have a point, a few good points. You have every right to expect him to back up what he says. However like I said, I think his intentions are good and his heart is in the right place.
I would keep busy while he is working and not bother him. I would still expect him to show up when plans are made and on time. I would expect him to be there for you when you truly need him. You have every right to have some expectations in this relationship.
I'd start taking things a little slower, not worry about marriage/kids just yet. Give it some more time, time always brings out the truth about our situation.
And don't forget to keep enjoying what you already love about this man.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 28
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 4:35:58 AM
You are stubborn and want things done your way or the high way. He is already seeing the future trend in this hence that remark.

You cannot tell anybody how to do his job. Just as people cannot tell you how to live your life. Especially not people who have known you 5 months only.

He may be saying all these things sweet things about wanting to be with you and spend every day with you but maybe he is talking about long term. You seem to want it NOW.

You are logical and like planning. He is a procastinator , easy going and laid back. Not the best of matches. Maybe even incompatible. You both either meet halfway or you will have lots of arguments along the way.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 29
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 5:01:01 AM
Given the importance you placed on telling us your past in this, I suspect that one specific activity on your part is what to focus your energies on.

That is, that at the core of most people's fears about whether this or that relationship is the "right one," is the fact that they have yet to have thoroughly established themselves as independent individuals. This is what I expect a therapist would work with you on.

Essentially, the reason you are having such a hard time deciding abut this guy, is that you are trying to base your decision on him, and whether or not he is going to fulfill your emotional hopes. Instead, you need to discover and thoroughly understand yourself, as a way to establish a firm emotional foundation within yourself, on which to then build your life.

When you have a firm emotional sense of self, and you know what you want your life to be about (and you are thereby NOT dependent on what others think of you, in order to feel you are on track), then you can more easily make decisions about others; because you will know that regardless of what they do, that you will still be alright.

Therefore, I would say that you should spend less time trying to guess what he is about, and trying to make predictions about him, and spend that time figuring out how to establish a safe-feeling life for yourself as an individual. Then ADD HIM INTO that situation, and see if he fits well.

That way, whether he proves to be as wonderful as you hope, or is only a nice fun guy for occasional entertainment, you will still be okay. That will take the pressure off of him, to try to make up for all of your past bad fortune, and you wont feel as though you are pushing him into being something he is not.
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