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 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 76
What to say on the first message?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
how about
"If you could be an animal other than human what would it be and why? "
 DiezelPhoenix
Joined: 5/15/2013
Msg: 77
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/16/2014 9:05:08 AM
It doesn't matter what you say if they don't like your pictures.
If they like your pictures, then you better form a coherent sentence.

Funny though, a few women have said to me "hi how r u"... and yet their profile states for men to be more original than a "Hey, how are you?".
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 78
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/16/2014 9:41:50 AM

It doesn't matter what you say if they don't like your pictures.


Once again I guess I am the only exception to the rule, but .... I dated (for over 2 years) a man I met on here and he didn't have any pictures posted. He wrote me a message that struck the right tone (for me) and I answered it, which led to more messaging, then a phone call or two and a meet. After that it became non-relevant where/how we initially met)
 DiezelPhoenix
Joined: 5/15/2013
Msg: 79
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/16/2014 9:55:26 AM
Iteration77,

I am going to bet on it being an exception and that it's probably a maturity thing. I'd be hard-pressed to find a 25 year old female who shared your thought process. Unfortunately exceptions just prove the rule. I used to have a much better, well thought out message, only to be told a few times "LOL, TL:DR, kk".

If only more people (both men and women) shared your mindset...
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 80
view profile
History
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/16/2014 10:54:05 AM
I'd like to know what abmccray says in his first messages, since he claims to have a 1:1 ratio of returns on all his messages. He must have an amazing line of bull for every lady to be returning his messages.


How I message people was listed in the very same post you're getting that from. Why are you so confused?:


Outmind is correct. In the past couple of months, I've messaged women that would fall under the "top 5%" or whatever on a different site, aged 24-35, and am at a 1-1 response rate. I'd say I messaged 20 people over that time and started 20 conversations.

Adding to what Outmind said:

- Look at activity dates. A lot of people message non or barely active women. Only message people that were active recently (I typically do one day).

- If a woman has entirely different interests than you, you probably shouldn't message them. I don't message women who take pictures with guns and cowboy hats while saying they love country music. The chances of us connecting (and her being interested in me are so relatively low that it's not worth the effort in those cases.

- On the opposite end, I'm more likely to message women that are interested in things I do/like/experience. And my messages are entirely about those specific things. "Just moved downtown..." in a profile? "I just moved downtown as well, how are you liking it here, I always hang out (in some specific spot) since coming down, been there?" A Graphic Designer? "How's the graphic design world treating you; I did that a few years ago, I found that I enjoyed this part of the field but not that part." Etc. Typically 2-3 sentence messages about a common connection in the profile that you're actually familiar with.

- That also means that profiles that don't have anything in, I don't message. Or, if I'm out and drinking or something, I'll send a one word message like "hamburger" because that's the kind of response a profile like that should get :)


In other words, be selective about who you message, and then only message people about specific topics that you actually know something about.

If you parse all that as "an amazing line of bull," it could probably explain why returns on messages are not similar on your end.
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 81
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/16/2014 11:02:14 AM

In other words, be selective about who you message, and then only message people about specific topics that you actually know something about.


Also (compliment alert to young Mr abmccray) have a life that you feel good about and create a profile that reflects that with high quality pictures and prose.

Anyone who has taken a marketing class knows that it's more than having good advertising, what the product is that you are advertising also counts.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 82
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/16/2014 2:00:29 PM
just tried my "If you could be an animal other than human what would it be and why? " line on a young woman and her reply was "Why are you asking me that"
So I replied "to make conversation" and then she went silent...
I know its not a great 1st message but I didn't think it was an weird or odd question
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 83
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/17/2014 6:37:04 AM

So I replied "to make conversation" and then she went silent...


Dude, you took a chance and it paid off, but then felt afraid of your own shadow. YOu should have kept playing. Saying something like, "animals have personalities, like humans have personalities, which alter ego do you think you represent."

Make it intriguing and don't give the game away right away.

But dude, this is a start.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 84
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/17/2014 9:35:19 AM
I would not recommend investing more time and energy into this lady!


And I disagree. Why? It doesn't matter what the investment on the lady is. The investment is in the self. In getting you to feel comfortable under your own skin. It's the same thing as if you are a shy person to start talking to everyone, not just women you are interested in. Why, because then you can study their reaction. Also when ever you say things and you make your stakes higher, the worse the sense of failure that it becomes. But if you just do it, say it, make it happen, without even caring of the outcome, you develop the confidence to be out there. To actually BE different.
 DiezelPhoenix
Joined: 5/15/2013
Msg: 85
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/17/2014 9:49:12 AM
I have to agree with OutMind.

If anything, it's a lesson learned. When she asked,"Why are you asking me that?"... it was an opportunity to further engage her and get her to open up a little bit. It obviously worked in getting a response but to follow up with "Just to make conversation"... seemed really weak right after and whatever minimal interest she could have had... probably faded right there.


I actually got a really nasty response from a woman... it stated that she was Hispanic (As am I.) and several items in her profile hinted at her possibly knowing Spanish... like the fact that she listed it as her second language.
So I say "Hola, como estas?" and she goes off of on a tangent (In Caps Lock, mind you) about how I shouldn't assume people know Spanish just because she is Hispanic. I just told her that I obviously was no longer interested in someone like her and carried on with my day. I'm sure I won't be the last one either...

No harm, no foul. All learning experiences.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 86
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/17/2014 10:02:58 AM

I actually got a really nasty response from a woman... it stated that she was Hispanic (As am I.) and several items in her profile hinted at her possibly knowing Spanish... like the fact that she listed it as her second language.
So I say "Hola, como estas?" and she goes off of on a tangent (In Caps Lock, mind you) about how I shouldn't assume people know Spanish just because she is Hispanic. I just told her that I obviously was no longer interested in someone like her and carried on with my day. I'm sure I won't be the last one either...


I have to say that you did a very good job. First of all, you didn't take it personal. It's her issue, not yours. Also that should not discourage you to keep using language or heritage as something in common. I even ask them Hablas Espanol? Bien, mas o menos, chapuceado. Note that unless you really know the language, you would have not gotten what chapuceado means. So you keep trying.

This one lady that I contacted indicated that she had Puerto Rican, Cheyenne and Soix in her ancestry. So my message was "So you are Boricua, Cheyenne and Soix." She responded "Wha't Boricua." That told me that she was not that in touch with her Puerto Rican side. So we conversed for a while.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 87
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/17/2014 10:52:12 AM

Once again I guess I am the only exception to the rule, but .... I dated (for over 2 years) a man I met on here and he didn't have any pictures posted.

Actually, you are Not the exception. :) You didn't not like his pictures -- he didn't have any! Actually, this Can be of some help to some, because it puts the focal point on what's written and whatever imaginary personality one sticks to it (you can't Really know their personality; just a piece of it and we fill in the rest of estimated fillers).

However, most people are turned away if there's no pics and will think something's up. BUT, it's not going to weed out everyone. Thing is, if the guy had pics, your impression would have been different (for better, worse, or just different). If you saw pics you didn't like, you wouldn't have warmed up to what he wrote. No pictures to some adds some mystery to it (but again, will nix chances statistically).
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 88
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/24/2014 8:05:09 PM
tried the "If you could be an animal other than human what would it be and why? " first message again and was instantly Blocked! yikes some of these ladies....
 jd7634
Joined: 12/10/2013
Msg: 89
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/26/2014 10:05:11 AM

tried the "If you could be an animal other than human what would it be and why? " first message again and was instantly Blocked! yikes some of these ladies....


In my experience these types of messages never work. I used to use "If you could have any super power...". Seems like a fun icebreaker, but to a woman who gets a hundred emails a day, it looks like another generic email from a playboy trolling for chicks.

The other problem with questions like that is - what are you going to do with the answer? It's rather a cul-de-sac. She replies she would like to be this or that animal, and then what? It doesn't give you much to play off of. Whereas if you ask about her interests or hobbies you can parlay that information into a future date.

I've been using the following formula for first messages and had some good success (for POF that is):

1. Don't mention anything about their physical appearance. Nothing.
2. Tell them you liked their profile.
3. Mention what you liked about their profile -humorous bit in it, similar interests, etc. And again, refer to #1.
4. Ask a question about a hobby or interest in their profile or their occupation.

I'm hardly a dating guru, but I've been getting about 30% response with this approach which is head and shoulders above what I was getting. Hope this can help someone else out.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 90
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/26/2014 11:47:29 AM
^^^
Asking personal questions about their hobbies is fine but Its not much of an ice breaker. But perhaps the ladies on here don't like ice breakers and just want you to get to the point. Seems like asking about what animal they would be or what super power they would have would work out in person at a bar.
Anothing thing, why are compliments about how they look so bad? As long as its not all you have to say.
Anyway I've sent just about every different type of 1st message and have had the same results. Some of the women on here put on their profile to send them and interesting 1st message, something to make them think a little. You give them that and they just ignore you. or in my last case block you
 jd7634
Joined: 12/10/2013
Msg: 91
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/26/2014 4:15:38 PM
@ GJBrown

I know what you mean. Often it seems like no matter what you do nothing seems right. In my opinion online dating is counter intuitive to real life. I've used the "super line" on dates and it was a great icebreaker, but no once has it gotten me a response online.

The reason compliments are bad I think is because woman are on red alert when it comes to that sort of thing; the find it phoney whether it is or not. The sheer volume of messages they get means they'll hear the same compliment over and over and over again. What I can figure out so far is that the main key to success is to figure out a way to separate yourself from what most guys are doing. If a girl gets a lot of compliments but you don't do that, immediately she gets a bit intrigued. I can't stress enough how NOT saying anything about her appearance will help. Save it for an in person meeting.

Ignore women who say they want an interesting message. You could write the most interesting message ever and it still might fail. Women like to talk, and they like to talk about themselves. That's why asking about their hobbies and past times works wonders.
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 92
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/26/2014 6:31:42 PM
1. Don't mention anything about their physical appearance. Nothing.
2. Tell them you liked their profile.
3. Mention what you liked about their profile -humorous bit in it, similar interests, etc. And again, refer to #1.
4. Ask a question about a hobby or interest in their profile or their occupation.


I did these things. Never improved my positive reply rate. When it did go up, it was usually due to one of following things in this order.

1. Added new photos.
2. Made some adjustments in my profile.
3. Random / no explainable reason.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 93
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/27/2014 1:52:21 PM

If a girl gets a lot of compliments but you don't do that, immediately she gets a bit intrigued. I can't stress enough how NOT saying anything about her appearance will help. Save it for an in person meeting.


Bingo.

Also if you give women physical complements, many also feel objectified. They equate what you said with what all those guys that just wanted to fvck her also said. So my rule of thumb has been that the better looking the woman the less you mention her physical appearance.

And as much as the women of POF are going to hate what I am about to say, but the most effective comments have been making fun of some physical attribute that is not relevant. I went out with this one woman that was incredibly gorgeous and my physical comments to her were, that she had stubby fingers and a flat a ss. Because I told that to her without batting an eye and more in humorous way, she challenged me and that went onto holding hands, later on kissing and dating for a while.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 94
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/27/2014 4:08:45 PM
but whenever I've complimented a woman on her smile or eyes, 9 times out of 10, I have usually gotten a thank you reply...


Thank you reply? What happened to the one that didn't.

Thank you means nothing. Did it increase the sexual tension? Did they then stared at you and wanted to kiss you?
The only time I complement something physical is when it's the result of a mental choice that she made.

Example:

"That's an interesting belt you got there. Is it Turkish? Where did you get it?"

She will then tell you the story of the belt. It can be as lame as Oh it was a gift and I don't give a sh it. To I got it at a thrift shop and it was under all this other crap but I discovered. To, Turkish, how did you know, I got t at a street place in Istanbul and I think, blah, blah, blah.

The moment that the lady's inner voice starts to say, that you are just one more horny guy trying to get in her pants you are a done deal. Goodbye. But if she a) thinks that she can connect with you at an emotional level. b) Does he not find me attractive?

You have a better chance to get her to want you, instead of just "Thanks."
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 95
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/27/2014 6:36:16 PM
it sucks that over the decades the value of a physical compliment has changed so much. Its like you have to wait til the very end of a second date just to tell a woman she is pretty. Back to 1st messages, I've tried talking to just about every girl in my area that I am attracted to on here and the few times I got a reply they could not hold a decent conversation. I think its just my age group that alot of the ladies are not serious on here. Unless I want to message that cute 22 year old with 3 kids and no job! she might reply! haha
 jd7634
Joined: 12/10/2013
Msg: 96
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/28/2014 3:21:34 PM

my physical comments to her were, that she had stubby fingers and a flat a ss


@OutMind
Hilarious! That's the way a man should go about it. A fun jibe goes over way better than fulsome flattery.
 traveltrekker
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 97
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/29/2014 7:30:17 PM

I actually got a really nasty response from a woman... it stated that she was Hispanic (As am I.) and several items in her profile hinted at her possibly knowing Spanish... like the fact that she listed it as her second language.
So I say "Hola, como estas?" and she goes off of on a tangent (In Caps Lock, mind you) about how I shouldn't assume people know Spanish just because she is Hispanic.


Yes, because "Hola, como estas?" is such advanced level Spanish, and how dare anyone offer such a greeting.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 98
view profile
History
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 2/8/2014 12:48:02 AM

I was just sitting here pondering on what to say to a female on the first message. Should I make it short and sweet? Or just say hello to her and compliment her eyes? Not You should not do Any help on this would be greatly appreciated.

You should not do any of those things. Those are things that people who already know each other say. No one wants to hear that from a complete stranger.

What you should do instead is ask yourself, why you want to contact her. You're not THAT lonely and desperate to speak to any woman, or are you? Be honest and sincere. You should never have a "line" you use for every woman. If you don't know why you're contacting her, don't contact her.
 GJallDay
Joined: 1/28/2014
Msg: 99
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 2/9/2014 11:47:02 AM
My question is about asking a question. Sometimes to keep a conversation going or start a new 1 I ask " Do you believe in aliens?" But the results of asking that have been pretty lame. Some women just stop chatting after that, others act like I just asked them something crazy or offensive. Is it a weird question to ask? Does it bring up red flags ?
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 100
view profile
History
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 2/9/2014 2:04:25 PM

Is it a weird question to ask? Does it bring up red flags ?

Well, based on the fact that you ask the same question to different women as if all women were the same, I am guessing it is out of context. Anything out of context is a red flag and weird. It comes across as if you're making conversation for the sake of making conversation. This not engaging. And quite frankly, because it is not personalized, it comes across exactly as it is intended - insincere.
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