Posted: 1/29/2013 5:11:48 AM
|Ultimate goal for most guys.... Get laid without paying for it; have a continual supply of lays at hand and if the lay-material cooks and cleans too then that's a bonus. Otherwise there's KFC and the occasional clearout with a shovel and a wheelbarrow.|
Posted: 1/29/2013 6:20:50 AM
Ultimate goal for most guys.... Get laid without paying for it; have a continual supply of lays at hand and if the lay-material cooks and cleans too then that's a bonus. Otherwise there's KFC and the occasional clearout with a shovel and a wheelbarrow.
That is really not true at all. None of my relatives have been divorced, all have been married for a long time. Counting 20 male friends, only 2 have been divoced, then got remarried and are in LTR.
My male neighbor is a friendly acquaintance, he pretty much fits that describtion. When in my 30s I ran with a guy that fit that to a Tee, but he was never really a friend.
I would guess maybe 5-10% of men are like that, but on a place like PoF it's more like 20-40% of men are like that, (then there seems to be a large number of men that are just scared of a LTR). And it's only logicial, if you aren't interested in or aren't capable of a solid LTR, then you are going to have to be constantly trolling for new GFs.
Women that are actively dating will run into a large percentage of men like that because they have to keep looking for new GF.
Posted: 1/29/2013 11:53:45 AM
|Just read an article on online dating that cites some studies that indicate that searching for a soul mate is a strategy that is likely to result in never being able to enter into a relationship. The idea being that the combination of the perception of choice being unlimited and the elevated standards associated with what a soul mate should be like results in 100 percent rejection of candidates. The focus of some studies cited also indicate that compatibility and common interests are not good predictors of relationship success.|
My own view is that someone you can get along with and with whom you can tolerate their general behaviour is probably the secret to relationship success. Considering the length of time some people have been looking, as evidenced by their presence on this site, I am of the opinion that the soul mate strategy is probably basically counter productive.
Posted: 1/29/2013 12:31:21 PM
|I want everything, love, marriage, happiness, a soulmate for the rest of my life. It seems the older I get the harder it is to find. Maybe a lot of people my age and older are enjoying the single life and not having to worry about the feelings and happiness of a significant other. On the other hand, because of what I am looking for, I'm extremely picky about certain things. For instance, I wouldn't want to meet a man my age I had to put through school, that didn't have his own place or things, or for some reason couldn't take care of himself. He should be stable by this stage in life as I am. I am always amazed when I meet men in their 40's and 50's who are not established in some way.|
For now, I'm finding dating to be fun, and being single isn't a bad state. I'd just love to fall in love again.
Posted: 1/29/2013 3:04:40 PM
|Rearguard, obviously what you seek is your choice, not anyone else's decision. But it seems to me, reading your message, that "someone you can get along with and with whom you can tolerate their general behaviour" would fit more in the realm of a co-worker than a 'romantic interest' or SO. Your call, of course.|
Posted: 1/29/2013 3:39:32 PM
|Hello Shatki ;) Good post. |
what do you see as being your mutual life/relationship goals? What would you like to create together?
My goals would be to find a mate that can:
- Be his authetic self with me (and vice versa);
- Maintain his values and moral standards with me (and vice-versa);
- Share quality companionship with me (and vice versa);
- Share his knowledge and abilities with me (and vice versa);
- Count his blessings and appreciate what he has (compared to what he doesn't); and
- Make me laugh and live mostly in the moment (and vice versa).
I have come to learn that illness, injury or death is something we cannot plan around or control therefore I prefer not to make any elaborate long term plans. I am not against marriage however I only want to do it once...lol.
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:19:40 AM
|Many people have no problem spending most of their life (i.e 8 or more hours per day, traveling on business trips, lunches, dinners, and frequently in out of the office social relationships) with co-workers, but have enormous problems living with a "romantic interest" for more than several months. People spend 30 plus years with co-workers without any big problems, and don't regard the relationships as significant, yet can't make it 2 years with someone who they feel is part of a significant relationship.|
On the other hand, profile after profile shouts the desire for a "long term" relationship. When you really think about it, its completely crazy......
Of course, it also shows how motivation is a key factor in relationship success. You have to get along with co-workers if you want to hold on to your job, but, at least these days, there is no real need to find out how to get along with your romantic interest. You can, you believe, always find another romantic interest.
No, I don't think I have got it wrong at all.....
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:33:09 AM
|Some people say never again...then they meet someone that knocks their socks off...then chaos ensues...|
I back off these types of men, they can be heartbreak. If they can get over their hangup(s) & pursue me, I'll give them a chance...if not, I am not holding my breath. It's not my job to break anyone's resolve...
Posted: 1/30/2013 8:47:42 AM
|Well, one thing I've noticed is that it seems some people put off life goals, until they meet 'the one'.. almost like they have no direction/purpose without a relationship. So they sit there stalled and just going through the motions of life in the interim, hoping that someone will come fill their emptiness. |
Whereas with others, it's almost completely the opposite.. they are so absorbed by their life goals, that there is little room for relationship. Or they have the stance that the other must fit into what they have already or are well on their way to carving out.
I guess being in the middle is probably the healthiest. Having life goals and still being open to another., with the desire to actually share. It would also include a certain amount of compromise, because very few people are on the same page in this regard.
To use an extreme example, someone who wanted to become an olympic athlete would need a partner who could 'get behind it' to a certain degree. Would this be another athlete who could understand the devotion required? Or someone with little in the way of his/her own life goals, so could devote themselves almost completely to the athlete?
This is all something that makes me pretty contemplative lately. And I find the answers of others fascinating, thanks
Posted: 1/30/2013 11:10:35 AM
|@ rearguard ..Interesting article ..can you post a link ?|
welcome Shakti,^^^^ and sure if you feel a connection to 45+ .. post !
I think your analysis above is spot on , its priorities , some don't have time for a social life ,or a wife
Most people cannot acheive their goals , without a partner.( its the way its setup)
athletes cannot reach their goals without a partner( coaches, trainers etc).
But those who remain on their own long enough , reach a point where they have to decide
to move on with their life .
. It can be a really sad crossroad to intersect , but the beyond can be still be a rewarding life
Posted: 1/30/2013 12:59:05 PM
Most people cannot acheive their goals , without a partner.Well, if it's being married and having kids, then I could see it. But after those goals are achieved.... ?
athletes cannot reach their goals without a partner( coaches, trainers etc).Well c'mon, trainers and coaches are a lot different than a spouse, which is what I'm talking about here.
those who remain on their own long enough , reach a point where they have to decideAnd at what point does it become a sort of fortress that keeps others out?
to move on with their life .
. It can be a really sad crossroad to intersect , but the beyond can be still be a rewarding life
It's like there's a dynamic balance of being open to another, and of reaching your own life goals all on your own.
And really, each relationship often evolves in its own special way.. it's often not until you are in it that you see how your own mutual life goals come together and coalesce to form something new.
Posted: 1/30/2013 2:28:18 PM
|Since I am blessed to be married to an earthbound angel, my goal is to live a long life and experience as much time as I possibly can with her. |
Experiencing all that life has to offer.
Experience new places together in our travels.
Knowing how short life truly is, I am going to be very selfish and enjoy every moment with her.
Posted: 1/30/2013 4:13:19 PM
Its true , goals are much more difficult , without a partner ..
because in life your partner is your coach ,trainer ,assistant..etc its teamwork !
Goals such as financially security are easier , and a big
goal of a lot of people is experiencing life with another
And at what point does it become a sort of fortress that keeps others out?
of course there's never a fortress , but at some point you have to move on, so life doesn't pass you by
( check the stats on %marriages for ppl over 50)
Posted: 1/31/2013 7:54:54 AM
|I'm just so burned out by all this internet stuff. All I seem to get off the internet is loads of time wasted and no gain.|
Posted: 1/31/2013 8:55:36 AM
|to continue to be each other's best friend....|
while continuing to have our individuality.
Posted: 1/31/2013 9:12:11 AM
|If you are complete when you start this journey, you seek a likewise companion. Someone that has their life, but makes time for you as well. Someone that respects boundries, yet builds a life with you. Its a hard combination to come up with. But it appears it can be done. It takes time and patience and trust. 3 things that can be a rare commodity at our age.|
Posted: 1/31/2013 9:31:32 AM
|@rearguard*2: I'd like to read that article too. Do you remember the name or have a link?|
The focus of some studies cited also indicate that compatibility and common interests are not good predictors of relationship success.
Interesting. I wonder what were considered good indicators. You mentioned being able to tolerate their general behavior, but I would guess that's something you wouldn't discover until actually spending a great deal of time together.
I find that I am putting a great deal of emphasis on common interests, compatibility and activities we might share. Sure you don't have to have 100% of the same interests, but it just seems to be easier if you share a lot of them.
Posted: 1/31/2013 10:29:38 AM
|Sorry, chancesrmd, I can't message you because of your mail setting. I'm too old.|
Try macleans.ca for the article....
Posted: 1/31/2013 11:16:31 AM
|This reminds me of an interview with a middle aged woman on U-tube done as a joke. When asked what it was she really wanted she said...."I want early retirement with full pension and I want a man who can give me good sex, and damned lots of it! lol...nowhere did she mention living together though?|
Posted: 1/31/2013 11:31:27 AM
|@rearguard*2- I doubt it was your age. You would have to be older than 100 to fit that bill. It was probably because of your sex. I must have set it to females only the last time I sent out invitations. All of the nasty mail from the guys right after the mailings gets old, but I meant to change it back and must have forgot.|
I'll see what I can find with the information you provided. Thanks.
Posted: 1/31/2013 11:33:45 AM
Its true , goals are much more difficult , without a partner ..Well, that's a far cry from your earlier post of:
Most people cannot acheive their goals , without a partner.
And really, it calls into question what your life goals are? Personally, I've achieved all of mine so far while alone. I didn't have a partner to help me achieve anything, so I guess I genuinely don't understand the sentiment you've expressed. Nor do I really comprehend making my entire life about another (other than my kids) like some people seem to do or ache to do. But I acknowledge freely that I am probably too far the other way.
As I'd said before, the middle ground is obviously ideal.. but the truth is, I don't even know what that looks like. I feel like I'm in complete mapless territory.
The whole 'lets just be happy together' thing kind of just goes over my head. I have life goals with or without someone.. and to be honest, I am more attracted to men who do too. I can't imagine a life of just waking up, going to work, eating, sleeping.. like, what's the point? Two people being incessantly bored? Lol.. it seriously doesn't compute.
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:56:40 PM
|Many people who are in relationships have life goals. One of the BIG things being in a stable relationship does is give one time to pursue life goals. Many single people spend huge amounts of time (and money), to say nothing of the psychological resources, seeking a mate. If you have a steady mate, you may have one who wants to participate in your goals and dreams, and you may wish to participate in her goals and dreams. Both of you just have way more resources to follow your dreams because you are not spending those resources trying to find a relationship. No matter how low a priority you may declare the search for a partner, its probably not zero, and that means you are thinking about it, searching for someone, investing in new relationships, etc. All of which leaves less time and resources for doing what you really think you want to do.|