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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > 30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?      Home login  
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 dwillis1982
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 26
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Honestly at 30 it is not easy to find someone that has no kids and has not been married but there are those rare occasions in which it does happen. Take me for instance I have no kids and have not been married. I turned 30 this passed September. Do I want to be married and have kids, maybe eventually in life, but only if it is with someone I am truly happy and compatible with.I honestly have to say that without a true connection its not something that would work. That's just my opinion though.
 sunriseguy5
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 27
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 8:30:41 PM
I know a lot of people who are in their 30s that aren't married or have kids; some are my cousins, former classmates, family friends and friends from a church i use to go to when i was christian. I think it depends on the location and country. try new york city or los angeles.
 DotComMaverick
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 28
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 9:00:46 PM
What are you wanting EXACTLY?
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 29
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 10:39:19 PM
I'm with you OP - no divorcees or guys with kids. Sure it gets harder to find people who've never been married and doesn't have kids the older we get. But they're out there.
I date a lot of guys in their mid to late twenties ~ and guys in their early 30's ~ tons of options out there.
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 30
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 11:08:51 PM

I now have to consider dating a woman with kids since the majority of them around my age have them. Otherwise, the odds of actually finding a partner again drop too much.


^^^I am having the same sentiments. Maybe not now right away but in a few yrs time, the pickings out there will only get slimmer and slimmer if I am not open to dating guys with kids.

@ Ricke1100 -- You give good insight. I like that you have made me given thought to both sides of the coin here.

@ mrwrong1978 -- Thanks for the sarcasm.

@ tnt144 -- I don't think anyone is looking for anyone perfect. That saying has been so overused in the dating world, frankly it bores me to death to keep hearing it. No one is perfect and I think most of us know that. But I am pretty sure many of us are looking for someone who is as good a match as possible for us. .... Break-ups happen because obviously the match wasn't good. ... ...And we get back into the dating scene, striving and hoping to find someone who will be a better match for us than what was before. .... I think that is the basic "rhythm" so to speak, of human love-relationships out there.

I already stated that I have come to accept dating divorced men. I accept that it is not much different from those who have had long-term relationships and broke up. ...... In my 20's I wanted to date only men who had never married before as I wanted to share the feelings of being each other's "one & only" and the "firsts and last" for each other in marriage. .. Yes, perhaps this may sound very selfish to some of you who have been married before. ... Anyhow, Ironically as I get older, the less I think that I even want to be married. ... Perhaps just have a LTR and see where it goes. ... and if we are still together after some 20 + yrs, maybe then we might celebrate a "we made it to a long-term union" sort of anniversay?

@ kathRN77 - I'm glad someone could share the same sentiments with me. .. I am not saying that I have zero-baggage either. .. the biggest "emotional baggage" that has been most detrimental in my life has been my parents' divorce when I was a teen. ... It forced me to grow up emotionally on a lot of levels. ... It forced me to realize that there is so much more to relationships that meets the eye. ... The issues of sex, infidelity, betrayal and loss of trust were thrown in my face all at once. Yes, needless to say it was an ugly divorce that totally effected how I viewed human relations namely marriage. ... I am in no way however, blaming my parents relationship for my own shortcomings. I am simply acknowledging that I allowed it to make an impact on how I see things. .. We all hold responsibility for own feelings and thoughts and the only person who has power to change any of that is ourselves.


@ dwillis1982 -- I know there are some out there in my age range who have never married and do not have kids. It would be nice but it certainly is not the end-all or be-all to me anymore. .... Since I am slowly starting to not prioritize marriage anymore at this point in my life, wanting someone who has never been married is pretty much moot-point in itself.. lol ... The reason I mentioned it is because it was wishful thinking when I was younger and still enamored about the whole idea of marriage! ... lol


@ sunriseguy5 -- It could very well be bc you live in an area that is more densely populated. I have looked as far as Chicago, IL (6 hour drive from where I am) and it seems to me that LOCATION can be a major factor too. There are a ton of single guys there my age range who do not have kids. ... Apparently bigger cities tend to draw the older, childless singles more than where I am currently at. ... Perhaps I should move?? lol



What are you wanting EXACTLY?


@ DotComMaverick -- A single guy around my age range who doesn't have kids. Since I myself am one of those who isn't up in arms about having kids of my own, it would also be ideal if he doesn't pressure himself nor have the mentality of "must have" kids ... ... I am open to the idea of it happening, provided the RIGHT elements are in place -- but if I never have any (or the right elements never present themselves), it would not bother me either.


@ MetalVixxn -- thank you for reaffirming that I am not the only one out there who has these "crazy thoughts" and "drastic ideals"!! ...
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 31
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/1/2013 10:40:05 AM
randomfish: you seem like a reasonable, thoughtful woman. thats good!

do i think that people set their standards too high? you bet. however, depending on the standards that are set, this could be a good thing. something you touched on yourself. i think that people sometime prioritize things in such a way when dating that will keep them perpetually single. when i read over these forums the biggest issue women seem to have is finding that all consuming "chemistry" that they just MUST have. from my experience, that chemistry basically means he needs to inspire you sexually within the first 20 minutes of meeting him. when you add in all the other must haves, its almost a sure recipe for loneliness.

you bring up not wanting to date divorced men and i cant say i blame you there. separation and divorce can definitely leave their mark on a man, i know this all too well. whether or not you want to consider it an instant dealbreaker is up to you. personally, i like to treat each person as an individual, and have very few absolute deal breakers as a result. what happens if you meet an awesome guy, great looking, good career, just overall decent person, but hes divorced?

what i think it comes down to is priorities. i also think that people need to keep in mind what the consequences may be if they prioritize some things over others. i someone prioritizes sexual magnetism and hotness over all else, they are going to meet certain types of people, and miss out on others. if someone prioritizes childless, unmarried people over all else, the same rule applies. i think if we sit down and think about our standards and see how theyre really been working for us, many people should feel inclined to tweak things a bit.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 32
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/1/2013 10:55:44 AM
By the way, some women specifically want a man who is divorced.
 underhersoles
Joined: 1/15/2013
Msg: 33
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/1/2013 9:53:25 PM
My last LTR was with a woman who was divorced and with 1 child. I was 30 at the time and always wanted to avoid that scenario. I found that free time just was hard to come by for her, and it bothered me that she had been married and had a kid. Agree, it is very hard to find unmarried without kids. I am getting to be "too old" to write to the 20-25 age group with a chance at a response. Lol. So yeah, the standards need to be loosened up a bit.
 jdg916
Joined: 12/25/2012
Msg: 34
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/2/2013 12:20:03 AM
Being 30 myself, I'd never get involved with someone who's been married or had children. Another guys leftovers is not appealing at all. I want to share those experiences for the first time mutually with someone.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 35
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/2/2013 11:47:07 AM
This thread brings another to mind:

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts13865783.aspx

Is it any wonder so many guys are going bald, what with tearing their hair out...
 jdg916
Joined: 12/25/2012
Msg: 36
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/2/2013 12:14:09 PM

I'm 30, never married, and I have no kids but couldn't disagree with you more. Referring a living breathing child as "another guy's leftovers" is completely heartless and selfish. A child is a child. They didn't ask to be here. They don't deserve to be compared to garbage and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking that phrase. If you don't think that you're the kind of guy that can raise another man's children as if they were your own that I don't think you should but please refrain from referring to a child in such a derogatory way.


I think expecting someone else to accept your children is selfish. Having children is a choice, and it's nobody else's problem that the person you "chose" to have children with didn't work out. Guess people should make better choices.
 varo435
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 37
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/2/2013 3:24:32 PM
What are you looking for social position? that can change person with good heart is harder to find!!!
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 38
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/2/2013 8:59:14 PM
Well in reality, as time goes on, the demographics of finding a person who has never been married, or doesn't have kids are going to diminish. We are out there though. I feel at this point in our lives (30 and over), we should be a little more open minded to understand and be more accepting in that people have a history. While we may feel at times like we are still at a younger stage in our life than what our age says, yet it would be fallible to think that people are perpetually 20. Not everyone is going to be perfectly tailored to meet our needs, likes and wants.
 clear4takeoff
Joined: 7/29/2010
Msg: 39
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/3/2013 1:45:28 AM
My opinion on this is that you can say you're changing your standards or whatever but you like what you like and if someone isnt up to par and you try and make it work anyway, that is always going to be in the back of your mind.
 MiaIris
Joined: 4/30/2010
Msg: 40
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/3/2013 1:57:00 AM
There's a Chinese saying "If you are choosey of people, they will be choosey of you too."

I am aware of my own shortcomings or drawbacks so I treat others with such sensitivity. I have never been one to hold particular standards. I see if we are compatible and where we have a connection emotionally and maybe physically and decide from there.

I myself don't have children and have never been married but am open to meeting others who are just as long as I know what it entails of me to be involved with them.
 MotoGPatrick
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 41
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/3/2013 2:08:52 AM
OP it all depends on what your standards are. Are they issues of character and substance or superficial fluff?

Don't loosen a standard like.. No abusive alcoholics.

Loosen up a standard like.

You are looking for over 6' with dark hair and blue eyes.. Settle for brown eyes.

or

Looking for someone who has never married... Settle for married once and divorced provided they meet your other character and personality standards.
She could have been the cause of the divorce. To quote a female shrink I was dating. "When it comes to dating I don't envy you men at all. Women are bat-sh*t crazy and get away with it. Crazy guys are easier to spot"

Online you have deal with statists. They try to judge based on your stats and numbers. They see I am 38 and divorced before they have had an opportunity to know my personality or who I am.

In real life it is much easier to seek out late 20's women with PHD's or even MD's.. They don't know I am 38 or divorced from the moment go. I can get the conversation, laughter and fun rolling before having to bring up imperfections. They are also more realistic and tolerant.. Basically not impossible to please like 35 and up.
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 42
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:08:33 AM
A good place to start to change your tact would be losing the "just here for forums" sentiment your profile has conveyed for most of the time I've seen you here. You're either looking to date or you're not. Which is it? Yeah, it's hard to find dates when no one knows if you really WANT to date. ;o)
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 43
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:27:20 AM
I still a prefer a woman without kids. ( Although having kids is not an automatic dealbreaker for me. ) Many women in their mid/late 20s and early 30s tend to date older men that are around my age. These women are less likely to have kids.
 orange_hill
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 44
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/3/2013 12:09:06 PM
I don't care if a man is divorced or never married. Just as long as he is not married. Dating a man with kids depends on the circumstances. Having 1 kid from a previous relationship is okay. But I'm not interested in a man that has 5 kids from 3 different women.
 JC_Cuban
Joined: 12/23/2012
Msg: 45
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/10/2013 2:58:38 PM
To me, the term "Standards" just refers to things that you are absolutely not willing to deal with or compromise for. I understand that and even agree with having standards. However, the truth is that people are getting married and having kids at a much younger age now, and really finding people of our age that have neither A) not been married (i understand not an issue with you but you mentioned it) B) not having had kids , is going to be harder. Now, I'm not saying you're wrong by any means. I am simply stating that it's going to be a bit tougher and don't give up on your standards if that's what you feel is what you want. Here is my dilemma about those specific standards. There are people out there that have been married, even had children, that it didn't work out with the other person. The fact that they had children together does not mean that they are any worse or better, they are still a person. Also, you never know, they might be a great person, funny, intelligent, fun to hang out with. Just because they had an issue with the person that they were prior involved with does not change the fact of who they are. Maybe what I am trying to say is that taking it on a case by case basis is more feasible to find "Mr. Right" than a flat out no. If you don't want to deal with his prior relationship and his commitments then talk to him about it. Again, I am not saying you're wrong. If that's how you feel I fully support your decision because it's your life and you can choose as you please. All I am saying is maybe re-evaluate and/or take it on a case by case basis.

I wish you the best and hope you find your "Mr. Right" =)

Best regards,
Jesus
 JenSnider
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 46
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/10/2013 3:51:39 PM
I would say that having been through a long-term very serious relationship and a couple of flings that my standards at 30 are much higher than they were at 20. If I'm talking about the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and raise a family with, then there are things that I will not compromise on.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 47
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/10/2013 7:16:32 PM
It's not a question of loosening one's standards so much as evaluating whether the standards you have really matter all that much. Some people have standards that are not only restrictive, but downright insane. Hell, I remember some years ago finding a profile of a woman who said she wouldn't consider dating a guy whose favorite song was anything other than Dust in the Wind. And she was serious.

Secondly, you might also consider whether someone who meets all that standards would include you in their standards list. I mean, if you're a couch potato and your standards include someone who is very athletic, then you're probably not going to find what you're looking for.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 48
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/11/2013 2:28:28 PM
30s for a man is GENERALLY different than 30s for a woman, just because of the dating trends among the sexes.

There is a bit of a shift where men in their 30s are more financially set, and know exactly what they want in life, and are ready to settle down, and have the choice of being in relationships with women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. When we were in our 20s, and generally less set, we had to compete for women in their 20s with guys in their thirties, on the flip side. On the flip side, women lose that multi-ranged dating, since less guys in their 20s are interested as women reach their 30s (ON AVERAGE). They're now doing the reverse of what men were doing in their twenties, competing with generally younger, fitter women for the same men.

Dating has been ridiculously better for me in my 30s than 20s, especially helped by me being in generally good shape and not having kids on top of the added stability, interests, accomplishments, etc. I have in my 30s. But on the reverse side, a lot of female friends are struggling more and more as they find themselves appealing to less men. One of those other aspects where life isn't really fair.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 49
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/11/2013 4:00:07 PM
abmccray: i wouldnt say that what youre describing is unfair. everything that youve described that gives you an edge in dating is the direct result of your choices. you chose not to have kids. you choose to take care of yourself to stay in decent shape, you choose to accomplish your goals. other people are capable of doing these things too. if some women are struggling in their 30's dating its probably because they made some wrong choices.
 rgvmale
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 50
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 2/11/2013 9:19:44 PM
I think advanced maternal age is like 35 O.o hmm you prob. are in the minority.
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