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 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 25
Vee relationshipsPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
OP, there are a lot of people who do not believe that anyone can or should be friendly with an ex, and there are also people who don't even believe that a man and woman can truly be friends without having sex with each other (if both are straight). Obviously you disagree with both of those beliefs, as do I, but consider that a lot of the advice you receive here will be from people who believe that way.

As to feeling left out and envious - if this happened with your best female friend, you might feel the same way. Suddenly she is spending a lot of time with and focusing on her new man; they're very happy and she's not as available to you even though you're used to getting together daily. So what would you do? You'd find other things to do and you'd try to meet other people to cultivate new friendships, or perhaps reconnect with others you've known.

Also, I find that it helps to examine what you consider the worst-case scenario - which in this case, might mean that you ARE abandoned - and think about how you would deal with it, and face that you might have to deal with it. Then if it does happen, you are prepared, strong and ready to move on. If it doesn't happen, you know that you COULD deal with it. That's a great feeling.

Good luck.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 26
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History
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 3:25:12 AM
Try not to think to far ahead.

I'd say to myself, this new relationship is going to take him away for a bit but that doesn't mean forever. In six months they'll either be split up or they will be secure enough to have me in both their lives. In the meantime I'm not going to be sad or interfer as I know if I was the new gal, I'd appreciate some alone time with my new man. So, I write him a note say this and wish them the best. (he might need a hard copy to show her you are sincere in your respect.).

Time to find another friend or group of friends and by your actions (leaving them alone for awhile) you will prove to the new gal that you are not a threat and are cool enough to be welcome as friends to them both when the time comes.

You'll be fine, one day at a time, enjoy this new freedom, weirdly, you may like it as soon as you quit feeling sad about it.

All the best, see you here.
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 27
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History
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 6:23:37 AM
Holy crap, leave this man alone and move on, how in the hell can you even say this is a poly relationship? I'll bet his new GF does not feel that way!

I would suggest that you get counselling as this is not healthy. Hanging on to an ex for over 10 years and you have made no effort to make new friends or to get a new man? Yikes!

Again, for your own good, please get help!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 28
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 6:35:15 AM
Relationships evolve or at least they are supposed to, and you appear to be depending far too much on one old friend.
I would take a step back from your Ex and allow him the freedom to explore his new relationship without any feeling of obligation towards you. You on the other hand need to step outside your comfort zone and try to build stronger ties with other people. You cannot go through life alone or tethered to a relationship that has moved past its prime.
There is no 'V' here. Your friend does not feel the same way about you that he does his new partner, there is no conflict of emotion or need to combine relationships.
You are an old and very platonic friend at this stage in his life, she is a new lover and possible future for him. Don't stand your ground and fu*k it up for him.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 29
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 8:18:32 AM
Are you sure this is a V relationship? Unless M knows about you, has met you, and is okay with you and your ex having a platonic friendship, it's not V and it's not poly.

I was in an N-poly relationship for a while (I had a secondary gf, she had a secondary bf - the secondaries knew and liked each other but were not involved). Eventually her bf met someone else and got married, and we continued as a V for years. We're all still friends, and the primary relationship has flourished.

Much hinges on how M sees you - as a friend for her, as just a platonic friend for him, or as a threat. The first two will let you keep your friendship with your ex, while the last is likely to end it if his new relationship with M continues. Of course, in the latter case, you just have to accept it, but it is possible that someday you can regain it, either because M changes her attitude, or because they are no longer together.

Edit: A poly relationship does not necessarily involve sex. Polyamory is about many loves, not necessarily many lovers.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 30
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 9:27:03 AM
I think the OP is acting very unhealthy.

The ex owes her nothing, and she fears he may abandon her. I think it is unhealthy to rely on an ex for something so deep.

I also believe this relationship holds her back from truly moving on. She is getting too many needs met by someone who should be and now is, focussing on moving forward. And she should be doing the same.

It would be fine if they met for lunch once every week or so to catch up if they both felt compelled, even invite the new lady in the equation along once in awhile...but to be worried that you wont be able to maintain daily contact is very unhealthy in my opinion.

Love is action....if you truly care for him as your best friend, you step aside and let him flourish romantically with this new woman. You support him and his efforts towards happiness.

You need to have an interesting, engaging life outside of the ex. This is your personal challenge and I think you should start taking steps towards that and away from the ex so you can actually achieve this.

Good luck OP.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 31
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 10:51:20 AM
Poly "Vee"? Pivot? Anchor? NRE? What the hell are you talking about?
After muddling through all that nonsense, it sounds like your ex has found someone new, which he can do, because he's your ex. Exes can do that, because they're an ex.
I don't see your problem. These are the risks you take when you reamin close and/or keep screwing your ex.
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 32
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:43:04 PM
K...I still dont get what "VEE" means but whatever. It sounds like you need to cut some ties and move on with your own life...It seems your ex has already done so. Sounds like co-dependant games to me.
 vnufall
Joined: 3/6/2011
Msg: 33
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:54:35 PM
This post has been fascinating to me because of the way older people seem to be after they divorce. I never thought about hanging around with my ex-he was toxic to me. When my kids told me "dad has a new g/f, and we like her"...honestly I was, still am thrilled for him. The man was sooo depressed after we divorced, I just want the best for him. I was in a relationship that ended but I'm still happy for them. Anyway I think as most have said on here...your relationship is changing with the ex. Leave them alone to get their own, and get out and do some things you like. You have to make a life for yourself without him and it will be good, really.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 34
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:14:21 PM

OP, there are a lot of people who do not believe that anyone can or should be friendly with an ex, and there are also people who don't even believe that a man and woman can truly be friends without having sex with each other (if both are straight). Obviously you disagree with both of those beliefs, as do I, but consider that a lot of the advice you receive here will be from people who believe that way.

Yes indeed! The vast majority here will throw in things about it being unhealthy, the classic "You're using each other to avoid other relationships...." and the ever-present, "Ex's are an ex for a reason." (Few delve deep enough to consider that "Ex's are an ex for a reason, but can be friends for hundreds of reasons.")

As to feeling left out and envious - if this happened with your best female friend, you might feel the same way. Suddenly she is spending a lot of time with and focusing on her new man; they're very happy and she's not as available to you even though you're used to getting together daily. So what would you do? You'd find other things to do and you'd try to meet other people to cultivate new friendships, or perhaps reconnect with others you've known.

Also, I find that it helps to examine what you consider the worst-case scenario - which in this case, might mean that you ARE abandoned - and think about how you would deal with it, and face that you might have to deal with it. Then if it does happen, you are prepared, strong and ready to move on. If it doesn't happen, you know that you COULD deal with it. That's a great feeling.

Good luck.

+1

This post has been fascinating to me because of the way older people seem to be after they divorce. I never thought about hanging around with my ex-he was toxic to me. When my kids told me "dad has a new g/f, and we like her"...honestly I was, still am thrilled for him. The man was sooo depressed after we divorced, I just want the best for him. I was in a relationship that ended but I'm still happy for them. Anyway I think as most have said on here...your relationship is changing with the ex. Leave them alone to get their own, and get out and do some things you like. You have to make a life for yourself without him and it will be good, really.

If you think the older divorcee's are nutz about this topic, wait til a few of the youngsters pipe in. Took me by surprise when first here in forums at how hateful the younger crowd prefers to be about ex's.

~OP~ I've been in your shoes. I found my exhusband a lovely woman to date (right here from POF) about 6 years ago. For a long while, I was the "wife-in-law" (the new gal's label for me) and then, in time, they were more solid and I was invited less and less and later, not at all. I didn't take it personally. I know how relationships evolve, ebb/flow/etc. I fully expected they'd graduate to just the two of them. I don't recall feeling a sense of loss. Maybe my busy social life helped with that, maybe I just didn't care ~ I truly don't recall. I'd suggest the same as others here, let them have their space. Fill your time with activities, making new friends, etc. Enjoy your new freedom that comes with him moving on romantically. Change is only bad if one doesn't want it ~ you claim your happy for him, so take this change as a positive for the both of you. Life is so very exciting when change is in front of us. New people, places, things, thoughts/feelings/etc. JMO
 Wastrel
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 35
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:16:34 PM
I got no experience with the topic, but I googled this in under 15 seconds y'all:



Vee Relationship: Visualize the letter 'V.' Notice that the top two points converge at the bottom. This symbol is used to picture two people who related to a third person but not to each other. This could involve a single sex partner who relates to two same sex partners (e.g. a male and two females) or to two opposite sex partners (e.g. a male, female, and a bisexual male).
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 36
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:22:11 PM
I think it's nice that you and your ex were such great friends and I think it's normal to feel left/envious out now that he has a girlfriend. Guess that's the price you pay for keeping an ex as your best friend.
Verygreeneyes spoke from experience and made a lot of sense.
Only experience I've had with new men having close friendships with their ex's hasn't been good. Be understanding if the new woman needs him to spend less time with you. She probably wants to do all those things with him that he's been doing with you.
Sounds like a good time to find some new friends/interests. Good luck!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 37
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:23:35 PM

Wow...I must be the only person here who has no idea what a Vee relationship is.
Help...


I thought for a moment this was an algebra class with all these letter references. I am still confused.
 JudeEm
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 38
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 4:11:17 PM
I appreciate "Always feel happy for him" — that's where I'm at right now.

I do need to form new friendships of both sexes, and firm up the few I have.

Number Three is far far away from me though.
 JudeEm
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 39
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 4:16:49 PM
I thank you for this perspective.

I haven't slept with him in a decade, and don't expect to.
The intimacy is more than that, actually.

I do keep my distance for periods of time. He likes having his own time alone. So do I. And when I know they're hangin’ I do other things — I've got a whole lot to do, and a full happy life.

Today, we had time together twice. One was work, the other was exercise.

His girlfriend, M, has her family members to call, cooking to do an' stuff.

The balance, though wobbly and new, seems to be functioning about right, today.

I appreciate your contribution. Thanks! I feel less alone.
 SugahPunkin
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 40
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 4:52:31 PM
Whaat da hell???

*laughs

This is the most retarded thread Ive read.


......edited.
I removed the rest of my ugly remark. It was even too ugly for me.

sorry.. But in respect, You need counsel.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 41
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 6:28:39 PM

And when I know they're hangin’ I do other things


Op,^^^ that comment is very telling in that im wondering how do you even know when they're hangin'?
Why would you know this and why would you care?
He's obviously doing more than just hanging with this new woman - he's trying to build a foundation with her and i really,really do hope you're not as dependant on him as you're sounding...........
Good luck with meeting a NEW man - it's the best thing that could happen
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 42
Vee relationships
Posted: 2/1/2013 10:26:24 AM
She has absolutely no concept of boundaries, clueless. Hopefully they continue their "V" and leave the healthy people alone.
 ProcolHarem
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 43
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History
Vee relationships
Posted: 2/1/2013 3:25:49 PM

Google Vee relationships, you will find an explanation, it's about being part of a Polyamorous group.
Why didn't you do that? Often people ask this sort of question when the answer is a mouse click away.


Because I'm one lazy fck!
 Wastrel
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 44
Vee relationships
Posted: 2/2/2013 5:05:40 AM
Oh no. Is the hacker back?
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 45
Vee relationships
Posted: 2/2/2013 5:08:45 AM

Oh no. Is the hacker back?


- No,that's just bad boy Procal bein' rude....................
 Wastrel
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 46
Vee relationships
Posted: 2/2/2013 5:10:09 AM
and lazy. I think the hacker does his typing for him half the time.

vvv Ohhhhh Nooooooooooo. Although, wait. One of my forum penpals claims she wants to date the hacker.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 47
Vee relationships
Posted: 2/2/2013 5:17:01 AM
A hacker is back but this time they're hijacking the photo and profile link next to forum posts. The profile link goes to a fake profile.

I reported 2 of these and that post disappeared within a few minutes.
 Happy_gal2013
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 48
Vee relationships
Posted: 2/2/2013 2:25:54 PM
JudeEm. I can tell by your post that your ex means a lot to you. I do not think your friendship will end. It just maybe a little different. I know that change can be hard. You. Maybe feeling abandoned and we have all felt this at one time or another. As we age we have less friends and contact than in our past due to many deaths as we age, someone getting married or by illnesses. I'm sure you are feeling a loss but you will be fine. It all takes time. Good luck

1. I don't see a post from supplygoodguy on this thread....
2. Not sure what the VEE is all about
3. What are many of you talking about a hacker guy???? I see know one with that name on this post......
OMG I must be missing something here.....LOL
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