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 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 19
Worst dating advice in the worldPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)

most trite advice..."Just be yourself"

Finding a mate has been around for thousands and thousands of years.
It's really hard to come up with advice on the subject that isn't trite.


Since when was it logically sound to tell someone who wants something to stop looking for it?

When they focus on looking for something in one particular place or venue, like bars, or online dating sites.
Telling someone to stop looking for it doesn't mean to stop their life.
And if they actually live a life they start encountering more and more people, in different areas, where they are in a different and sometimes better mood and possibly more receptive to people (like when they pursue their hobbies rather than stare at a glowing screen for several hours trying to find "the one" constantly measuring biased and minimal information)

Otherwise

what you'd call the 'worst dating advice' you've heard.

"Read the POF forums, they have great advice."
"You need to read this book."
"Go down to the mall. Ask every woman you see if you can fondle her boobs. 99% will say no. You are looking for that 1%."
"You need to have something to offer before you start dating. Get an education, get a career, get settled and set in life, then start looking in earnest."


Do you any of you have interesting experiences relating to hearing poor advice?

IME the best advice is usually the most trite because you have to sit there and think about it and draw meaning that is relevant to you from within yourself.
It's like a nickels worth of a psychiatrists time.
You come up with your own solutions that will work for you.
If you do something stupid with the advice leading to "interesting experiences" then it's usually you simply sabotaging yourself.
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 20
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:34:09 PM
"Don't worry about meeting someone. Stop looking/just follow your own interests/just live your own life, and you'll just 'accidentally' meet someone in the routine course of things."

That's the advice I got when I was younger, and I followed it, just lived my life and 'did my own thing'.

Then one morning I woke up and realized that I was 31 and not only hadn't had a date in over five years, but hadn't even encountered anyone I was interested in dating. Somehow, no woman had fallen into my lap while I was living my life.

If you don't make some effort to get out and meet people, you never will meet anyone.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 21
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:25:00 PM
So you think by trying to be someone you aren't and essentially manipulating people into liking something about you which isn't true, that's going to end well?

You've got it all wrong. Don't be a live-by-cliche nanny! :)

"Just be yourself" says that how you roll is just fine. It's not just fine if you're an a-hole or just getting nowhere with the opposite sex.

Change your habits -- which is part of yourself -- be a better person. Telling some a-hole "Oh, just be yourself" is dumb advice. Same with telling a shy, timid, doormat of a guy the same thing when he's wondering why he gets nowhere.

When people hear "just be yourself", they will, well, keep doing what they're doing... which is not in the positive direction. What kind of advice is that?? Throwing out the dumb line "Just Be Yourself" does not imply manipulation or faking. It means changing for the better.

"Stop looking and you'll find someone" is bad because:
(a) You should keep your eyes peeled and be aware, etc -- so some looking and pursuing is a good thing
(b) In order to "find" someone you do need to look. If you aren't looking and they appear in front of you, you won't know it -- because you're not looking!

Usually that advice is applied to people who are constantly "hunting" or "looking" too fervently to have someone for the sake of having someone -- or better put, trying too hard.

"You're trying too hard. Desperation only hurts opportunities when they come along. Relax."
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 23
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:30:27 PM
The all-time worst has got to be the misconception that dating someone new will get you over an ex.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 24
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History
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:47:00 PM

Worst dating advice in the world

'when you carry her off, don't worry about fingerprints'
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 25
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 1/31/2013 3:24:45 PM
bad dating advice
pretend you have a girlfriend to make girl you want jealous!
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 26
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 1/31/2013 3:54:55 PM
have sex after 3 dates. Yeah, that's respectful, NOT.
Follow the rules of dating, be a rules girl, YEAH RIGHT.
 CaptainTeebs
Joined: 11/10/2012
Msg: 27
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 1/31/2013 10:38:17 PM
"Go ask her out while she is there with all her friends. This is the best time to catch her when she feels safe and at ease"
 Sailing78
Joined: 3/13/2011
Msg: 28
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 1/31/2013 11:07:10 PM

"Just be yourself" or "Stop looking and you'll find someone" or something like that. Since when was it logically sound to tell someone who wants something to stop looking for it?


Taken literally, yes they seem a little cliche. Sometimes one has to read between the lines. I've always taken those sayings in more of a metaphorical sense. Basically, when one stops over-thinking or trying too hard, things happen a little easier and more naturally.

As for bad advice, I find the manufactured 'rules' horrendus:

Wait 3 days to call.
Must have sex on the 3rd date.
Don't kiss on the first date.
Make him pay for everything.
Etc.

All of them tend to have game playing written all over them. Games are for 11 year-olds...
 cavalier641
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 29
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/1/2013 7:25:07 AM
" There's someone for everyone"
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 30
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/1/2013 7:53:51 AM

Actually FINDING YOUR TRUE SELF first, is usually overlooked/unmentioned when most people suggest "Just be Yourself". That takes time, effort and some maturity to be able to actualize yourself and actually become more the way you truly would like to be, and THEN be able to relax and evince your true self.


This is very good. I also believe that the "be yourself" is the worst advice you can give.

So what if you are one of these shy losers that is negative, nagging, pedantic, "nice guy" that post here?

How does be yourself is going to help? Is not. Just keep repeating the same crap you always do and continue to achieve the same stupid result. So, a piece of advice from ALL the self improvement motivational speakers, going back even all the way to Carnegie or Napoleon Hill. You can even read this from spiritual gurus and coaches. And the statement is simple. "What you think. You are." So depending on what you put in your head, you will achieve. So in the be your loser self, that is all you think you can achieve, you are right. That is all you will ever be, because you believe that you are just being yourself.

That is nothing but a crock of shit.

However, you cannot be someone else. But instead you can find YOUR BETTER self. Discover things in you that are awesome. The other problem with this be your self crap is that WE are never our true selves. WE are all masks that we play depending on the situations that we are in life. We act a particular way in front of a judge or teacher, we act a completely different way with our best friends. The problem is that when you tell one of these nice guys to be yourself is that they don't know which self to be in a date. So they become the contrived, scared out of their wits, puppy that is ready to pee in their pants the moment an attractive woman comes by.

Also noticed that all those people that tell you to just be yourself, and I am guilty of saying this some times, is that those are people that have already learned to BE comfortable with themselves. They have learned to shed all those layers and masks and have discovered which ones would work best for them. Yet in that simplistic answer, "be yourself," they fail to communicate to those other people, that are still attached to some of their masks that are grounded in FEAR and the plethora of excuses ranging from I am just shy, women/men do not like average looking people, I will never attract anyone above my so called league, I better accept the crap that has been handed to me because the world is unfair.

Bu ll sh it.

Fight for what you want. More than the misguiding premise of "Just be your self," and the mental limitations that prescribes. You should strive to Find who yourself is. What is your potential? If you have grandiose illusions, you will fail. But if you strive for one thing, one thing that is achievable, you will achieve the next, until you will conquer your biggest mountain. Point the finger at something you want and ask, what will it take to get there. Then set a goal and do it.
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 32
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/1/2013 10:18:47 AM
"Go ask her out while she is there with all her friends. This is the best time to catch her when she feels safe and at ease"

LOL. One of those tail-between-your-legs moments, huh?

Regarding advice, Mister Rogers always said that you are special just the way you are. There is only one you. So now, I'm all confused.
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 33
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/1/2013 10:29:31 AM
JMO -

"Be yourself" = Be comfortable with who you are. Fundamentally at the core. When you are comfortable with who you are, you will stop nitpicking the small stuff about yourself. If there is something you feel would be plausible and beneficial to change about yourself -- do it. Otherwise being anything else will likely be only a facade.

"Stop looking and you'll find someone" = You are being desperate. Being desperate = turn off. Again, this one means to simply relax and enjoy other things in life too.

"It's their loss" -- Yeap, this one kind of irks me. .. I mean who is to say or know that it was really "their loss"? ... A totally pointless saying to soothe oneself I guess?

"No Spark/chemistry" = Simply means there was not any attraction, be it physical or emotional.

 Bookbelle
Joined: 10/24/2008
Msg: 34
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History
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/1/2013 11:38:47 AM
I'm not keen on "the rules".

If I like someone, I'm not waiting three whole days to call them. Maybe one.

The whole, not saying yes to weekend invitations after Wednesday or whenever... whatever. Sometimes it just so happens that I haven't made plans for the weekend. Not every day of my life is scheduled down to the last minute; I enjoy having some weekends free to do whatever I want, and perhaps do something spontaneous. If that spontaneity involves a date, so be it. Sue me.

Always waiting for the guy to make the move. Uh-uh. Guys aren't psychic.

I don't play games with people. If I want to play, I get out the Scrabble or Monopoly set, or sit down at the piano.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 35
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/1/2013 3:09:22 PM
Very obese or ugly people saying "Beauty is only skin deep. People should look for inner beauty instead." Yet these people will reject dating someone who they do not find physically attractive.
 Maverick325
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 36
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/1/2013 5:48:04 PM

"You need to read this book."


Obviously, without knowing the contents of the book in question, it is silly to call this bad advice. That being said, I am very suspicious of dating books.


"Go down to the mall. Ask every woman you see if you can fondle her boobs. 99% will say no. You are looking for that 1%."


Again, obviously no one ever actually gave that dating advice. That wouldn't be dating advice. That would be boob-touching advice. Now, if we erase the first sentence, which is a straw man, we have a GOOD piece of advice, which probably should just be understood to mean that persistence in the face of difficulties is important in dating. It could easily be interpreted to mean other things that are not actually stated, such as that you should just go solely for numbers, that you should ONLY rely on approaching random women, etc. I think the point is only to say don't be affected by failures, even if your failure rate is 99%, if you try enough times, you'll succeed. And just increasing the number of attempts is a completely airtight piece of advice because nothing is implied about the quality of the attempts. It's just saying, all else being equal, if you take more shots, you score more points. And that's just obvious. The only cost to increasing the number of attempts is the energy, time, and courage necessary to do it.



"You need to have something to offer before you start dating. Get an education, get a career, get settled and set in life, then start looking in earnest."


The only problem here is the word "need" and possibly if it's interpreted as if that's going to solve all your dating problems magically. Otherwise, yes, getting all that stuff will increase your odds to some degree.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 39
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/2/2013 11:51:21 AM

I think the worst possible advice, is that friend who tells you to "dump them/give them an ultimatum", for just about any mistake or your partner makes, or annoying habit (you know, as opposed to having a mature conversation).


That's a POF specialty. If a woman was to post saying she likes the color green and a guy she's dating likes the color blue, the standard responses from the Dump'em fan club on POF would be: "Dump him. He's a player, liar and cheater. He's probably married too."
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 40
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/4/2013 11:47:49 AM
I think there is a difference between "Don't act desperate", and "Stop looking and you'll find what you're looking for".
The first is good advice, the second is not. If you mean "Don't act desperate", just say so.

Ambiguous advice is bad advice.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 41
Worst dating advice in the world
Posted: 2/4/2013 3:34:10 PM
when I was a kid, my mom (former cheerleader and softball team player) told me never to be afraid to ask out the pretty girls, it was amazing how many were single b/c guys wouldn't ask 'em out. So, I did my best, and the answer was always the same:

"sorry, I have a bf, but thanks for asking!"

later, I was told, "don't take no for an answer. Women say that so they won't seem easy." but I had enough female friends (many who I had asked out)tell me about the nice guy who wouldn't take the hint. also heard that women don't like sex as much as men do. heard otherwise from those friends, and when I finally got a date after reading every book i could get my hands on...found that to be a lie, too.

about...60% of what the PUA's sell is flat out wrong, which is a pity for the women on the recieving end. scott mckay loves to say that women always want to follow a man's lead..geez, we'd all be getting laid if that was the case :) he teaches you to get 5 "quality" w0men dating you at once, but his wife sells a program for women who can't get a man to commit, b/c they aren't quality enough to get him to do so. Is that a money making pattern or what? :)

stephan nash says throw parties and invite friends of friends--great if you live in new york city like he does, but in east nowhere nebraska where everyone remembers "that thing" you got caught doing in high school...not so much.
swingcat suggests when a woman bumps into you accidentally, say, "hey, i'm not a sausage with feet!" and that you'll charge for touching the merchandise...as a way to show you are a prize. and that allegedly gets the woman to think that way. well, maybe where he lives, it actually does.

hot people who tell you to just go up and ask, b/c that (obviously) has always worked for them all their life...yeah that don't work unless you're hot like them--or even better, interested in a different type of woman. i know, simply b/c i did that in childhood (the way they teach--it was in my nature before they were teaching it), and it simply doesn't work. people want what they want, and nothing more or less.

ironically, when you do stop looking, you stop acting like you're desperate. it DOES eventually work. you don't realize how you come off when you're constantly on the hunt for what gives you the greatest pleasure in the world.

it actually is good dating advice, to stop looking and find an alternative pursuit to dump your love for living into. it makes you less Quagmire, more interesting.
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