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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 18
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
It is depressing, because the memories that you have ARE by an large, depressing. When those things come to mind, only the bad memories come back.

But that was one relationship. You do not have to recreate that relationship again. But to change that you have to be brave. Realize that you have a 50 percent chance to recreate the same misery. Yes you do. Why? Because it takes two to tango, and there are no innocent bystanders. Sooo. You are as guilty of the causes and effects that created that misery.

But you can change that. How, by simply changing yourself. Identify what you didn't like on the other person and what you may have done to change that. Then identify what was in you that could have been better, or different, or more giving, or less giving, or not used, or more whatever.

Many of us have recognized that and gone to therapy. I think it has helped me tremendously. You don't have to go there, but there are books that are awesome about relationships, from the spiritual side, communications side, psychological side and sexual side. The more you read, the better prepared you will be to understand not the other person, but yourself. And that is the very beginning.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 19
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not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 1/31/2013 9:21:10 PM
Try going 16 years of being single and then imaging yourself in a LTR!!
Anytime I even thought of being in one....I had a hundred reasons why I enjoyed my single life!
To start with, I wasn't even looking for a boyfriend, let alone a full on relationship....
Didn't need it.......didn't want it!!
then bam......there he was!

and now, here I am......not being able to imagine my life without him in it......
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 20
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 1/31/2013 9:29:43 PM
Don't be depressed, dating is fun.


Not for everyone. My buddy has social anxiety disorder. Who knows, maybe I do too. My ex said that online dating was so fun; meeting all of those new people. I just thought to myself, "Yeah, about as fun as a root canal without anesthesia."

OP: Yes, I fully understand. Right now, I don't know how I would even handle an intimate relationship let alone an LTR.
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 21
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History
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 1/31/2013 9:40:21 PM
Thank you for sharing your story, Import_from_UK. It easily matches a part of my own, and, unless I am severely mistaken, that of many other women as well-not just today, but historically also.
Of course I did what I needed to but I also for the first time did something I hadn't done before. To truly examine my belief system, to consider who I wanted to be and of course part of that process was to consider if I wanted a relationship in the future. To question the very basic elements of my whole family experience, with consideration of no one but myself.

I allowed myself to acknowledge that I didn't need a partner in the traditional sense. I was managing perfectly well by myself despite having some hurdles to deal with. I was beginning to rebuilt the confident woman I used to be. I had no one else to rely on for even the smallest of favors and I think for me, that helped. To be stripped away to having nothing and no one. Over time, I realized that I would like a partner vs needing one but it had to be the right partner. I've always been an all or nothing type.

I am confident that I won't accept the wrong person again because I no longer have the illusion that adults are meant to be part of a couple. Some are. Some aren't. Some are at the right time only.

I think this is key, and so deserves repetition. Taking the time to make these discoveries is one of the things I feel/have found so many never do, much to their detriment.

OT- Know thyself. One day at a time. Grow and learn, about yourself and the world you are currently a part of. Recognise and assess your needs and desires, make a plan and follow it. When you are ready, the pieces tend to fall into place as needed.
 whynotgirl
Joined: 1/3/2013
Msg: 22
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/1/2013 8:47:05 AM
Yeah i hate to admit it to myself too lol..my heart def feels with hardened and not ready for love to enter it again. I hope you are right about being able to find love again.
 whynotgirl
Joined: 1/3/2013
Msg: 23
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/1/2013 9:09:14 AM
igor, you hit it dead on as well. At this time in my life my daughter is raised, my house built, etc..so I am unable to grasp what a new set of plans would be now with someone. thank you for your feedback..
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 24
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/1/2013 9:10:46 AM
One day at a time.


I wasn't even looking for a boyfriend, let alone a full on relationship....
Didn't need it.......didn't want it!!
then bam......there he was!


You meet someone and decide to get together. You have a great time and decide to make another date. So far so good. You find yourself not really interested in anyone else. The days become weeks, The weeks become months and the months become years.

One day you wake up and realize. You're in a long term relationship.
 Whatdoyoureallywant
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 25
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/3/2013 3:47:42 AM
So...I read the OP's question and scanned responses, noticing the advice to just take it as it comes.

Do the dates one at a time and see what unfolds. Makes sense, but here's my twist on her original question, with my apologies if it's already been addressed and I didn't read carefully enough.

If you already know you'd eventually like to form a long term relationship with someone you enjoy, trust, etc., how do you distinguish--without waiting months and possibily developing strong feelings--between the men who will one day want the same thing you do and the men who are just happy to enjoy a good time while it lasts?

I'm not at all sure I got that out right. I guess I'll know by your answers, lol.
 pattie2014
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 26
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/3/2013 7:31:38 AM
Your question is a good one for someone your age. Mid life crisis usually begin around 46. Just make sure that
you are not dragging someone into your life if you are going through a mid life crisis. For women, mid life
crisises last from 2-5 years. For men they can last 5-10 years!
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 27
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not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/3/2013 7:50:45 AM
Whatdoyoureallywant,

That's the chance you take.... you either go for it and hope he's a match for you all the way around, and/or you go for the ride with no expectations, and enjoy it. If it ends, you reflect into it, and say to yourself, I had fun, learned somethings along the way, and you tell yourself that maybe you'll try again someday.

That's the chance everybody takes when they fall in love.

Lovely ride though, it's bitter sweet.
Jan
 AnAustralianWoman
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 28
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:07:42 AM
I had been on my lonesome for over 10 year's when I decided enough was enough when I met a rather charming man.
The 'man' turned out to be a child in a man's body.....clingy, manipulative, controlling and very jealous and insecure. It lasted a whole 9 month's.
This experience has put me back to where I was initially.....HAPPY! The void in my life has been replaced by spending more time with my family and friends and less time dating.
 Be_enchanted
Joined: 1/23/2013
Msg: 29
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:27:44 AM
OP, I've been divorced for many moons now and haven't been in a LTR in years. I believe it's because I am use to being independent and would often just shy away from someone wanted a committed long-term relationship. I'm not one ready to let 'love in' and, yes, that sounds depressing and selfish on my part.

When one is ready for a commitment, I am hoping, one will be able to be open to the option to love someone again. And not just go on dates with the mindset that it won't last very long but will be enjoyable nonetheless.

I know I am missing out and your post brings that realization to the surface.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will be able to find love again.
 ivegotitgoingon
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 30
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:50:12 AM
I've pondered this topic myself. I have gotten into certain habits and routines that I am comfortable with. Things I cherish and look forward to ie) having the bed to myself, leaving my dirty dish on the coffee table, being able to toss my dirty clothes around as I please, having certain things stay where I put them, peace and quiet when I get home from work at night, being able to watch whatever I want whenever I want on the television, not having someone else's laundry to do, I can eat pb &J sandwiches for dinner or Doritos if I please.

Sometimes I feel as if dating and being in a relationship it too much work. Other times I long to have someone and be in a LTR. I flip flop.

I am hoping that someday I will meet someone that will make me feel like I would rather share my bed with them rather than anticipating the moment when I can have my bed to myself.

Terrible to say, but it's true.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 31
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:09:07 AM
Good post Ivegotigoing on. Great description of what you enjoy. I guess my reply to what you like and enjoy being alone is that if another person enjoys you, he will respect and enjoy how you live your life now. And if he doesn't, you have your answer. I think we all have our comfort zones after being single and alone for a while. That's ok! I think allowing someone to enter that zone is whats important, it shows us it's ok because it IS ok. We can adapt to things but trying to change someone to something we want or that they don't want is the problem. I just think when we meet someone, be yourself and the rest takes care of itself. It has to or it isn't the right one. OP, it will feel right when it feels right. You can't project it any further and you will know when it happens. Things happen for a reason, lots of times we wish it didn't take so damn long but it does happen!
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 32
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:22:27 AM
Agree with all of the above.

Some people, especially as they get older, get more set in their ways; and if they are coming from a particularly controlling relationship; they take the "freedoms" as being let out of prison; and the mindset almost becomes they are going to have autocratic control; with the guarding of those "freedoms" and the flexibility being things that need to be zealously protected.

A potential relationship is a "threat" to that... because since the last person they were in a relationship with was either clingy, controlling or negative...

not understanding in many of our cases, we had the same situation with OURS... and we were in the same boat.

So all these gunshy, powerless in relationship people want to test the waters of trust, but with that kneejerk fear sitting behind their head waiting to bite at the first text that has a "tone" that makes them fear...


but if people understand that in an LTR, both people should empower each other; you can share without taking each other over, you can have both places and have some days apart and some together; and if you have all together you can still have times and places with autonomy so both people can be comfortable and get to BOTH make the rules...

then it can work. But if the fear is still front and center from one or both; neither should try and explore an LTR with each other; as it will be hoops for the one and mental second guessing from those who are worried expectations and control are going to swoop in the moment sex or exclusivity enter the fray.

But taking it slow and getting to learn the differences between your current partner and the one who made you gunshy, learning how they feel and perceive things and learning how you feel and perceive things...

making sure communication is always there and both people have voices, and building comfortable fun exciting memories while letting the trust seep in and the learning of each other's comfort zones happens...

it will turn into an LTR that can go somewhere. Until the trust is there though and the separating the memories of the ex from being painted across everyone from the opposite gender (most people don't even realize they're doing it) it will be tough for it to work. Because everything done and heard is done and heard assuming a person will want to take you over, control you, betray you or whatever else bad happened before. Separating the new person from that is really really important. And making knock your socks off fun memories as well as comfortable solid good ones.

Best of luck to you :)
 MrOogam
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 33
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/5/2013 10:17:29 PM
I can relate why not girl... have had 3-4 serious relationships since my divorce, but has been a cpl years since anything more than a casual date.... it does get lonley at times, but the peace out weighs it most of the of the time..I see it like this I will be me, you can be you & if we hit it off great.. if not great too
 CouldBWow
Joined: 11/26/2012
Msg: 34
not used to being in a LTR anymore..how do I do it?
Posted: 2/5/2013 10:56:34 PM

tried searching for this topic but couldnt find it. I was married for almost 20 years and parted since 3 and a half years now..when i think about being in a ltr again I dont know how to envision it.. it is weird i know..it feels like when you are trying to remember something and you can feel your brain trying to grasp at it in there but all it gets is a handful of cloudiness.. does anyone know what I mean?

I am really not sure whether it is possible for me personally to "fall in love" again or to be in a LTR again and this is a depressing thought really..

should add that I have dated off and on for the last 2 years..I dont even know whether I would want a LTR again..but it worries me a bit that I cant even picture what one would be like...I tend to be a very visual person by the way..thanks for the replies..


I know what you mean. I have been out of mine for about 14 months now and the typical day to day experiences are starting to fade from memory. I do recall what was a rather quiet and dull existence. Obviously I get more opportunity to go out and have some fun and reconnect with myself now that I am single and only have my kids 50% of the time...and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the freedom again.

Part of the reason I decided to try online dating was a bit of concern that I could fall into an epic rut getting too comfortable with being alone. I am still very much enjoying not needing to compromise on even the smallest issues like what I might want for dinner or what movie I want to see. Those novelties haven't worn off yet. Or maybe, I just realize I eventually will be involved again so appreciate those little things in the meantime?

But in the same light, I wouldn't mind spending some time with a nice girl who smells pretty. And these conflicting feelings change day by day..some days I am interested in dating, some days not so much. I sometimes worry I will be the reason a poor girl posts questions on a board like this...other times I am concerned I will get swept away a bit sooner than I envisioned as I do have some personal goals I would like to achieve before I settle down again.

But the rate this online thing is going, chances are I will meet a girl in the real world the old fashioned way 1st! (and I bet if I were to write that same girl on the internet - she wouldnt have replied! lol)
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