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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 26
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
OP: I admire your kindness and loyalty (although in your other thread, you said you divorced before you came to hate each other which makes me wonder if you two just gave up too easily; oh well)

In answer to your question, in my case my ex abandoned me in my time of greatest need, so no I would not take her in.
 Bookbelle
Joined: 10/24/2008
Msg: 27
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/1/2013 3:27:06 AM
I've never had occasion to help an ex, but I have tried to help people I don't like, and who would never do anything for me.

First year of uni, I was living in halls of residence. A girl who lived downstairs from me, was wandering around halls in the middle of the night, completely drunk. (I barely knew her at that point.) She was knocking on a lot of doors, convinced each room was hers. I didn't know which room was hers, or what floor, but I knew she didn't live on the same part of the hall as I did. She was also (in my opinion) an obnoxious cow, who never cared about how her actions affected other people, but expected everyone else to cater to her whims.
Anyway, she was wandering around absolutely drunk in the middle of the night, hole in her dress, no shoes on, no idea which room was hers or even if she was in the right building. (There were 3 blocks of halls that looked exactly the same on the inside.) I got out of bed and decided that I should at least try to help her, because otherwise she might fall down the stairs or get sick or something. So I went out into the hallway with her, and held her hand, trying to find out what room she was in. Fortunately, one door she knocked on was her friend's room, so I left her with her friend who delivered her to her room (and bed).
Now, I never liked this girl, at all, and I thought she got worse as the year went on. (I don't see her nowadays, fortunately.) But as much as I disliked her, I was never going to leave her in such a vulnerable state on her own.
 Engine_Builder
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 28
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/1/2013 6:21:48 AM
Yes, I would do the same. Any compassionate, loving individual, would do the same if they were over the hurt of the failed relationship. It took me a bit to get where I am, but I'm here.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 29
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/1/2013 12:16:04 PM
I was going to say it all depended on the situation, but as I thought about it I could not think of a situation where I would trust her in my home. If she needed a ride to or from the hospital, I would. If she needed someone to do a few errands and check in on her once in a while, I would. There are a lot of things I would do to help. Having her in my home is not one of them.
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 30
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/1/2013 12:27:56 PM
ONLY if he had no friends and no where else to go. I assume he had a home prior to getting injured. If he was getting evicted and needed a place to stay, YES I would let him stay with me. Taking care of him is a whole different story.
My ex has friends and makes enough money to be able to A) find a friend to stay with and B) hire a nurse for a couple of hours per day to take care of him. If the situation was different and he had NO friends and very little money, yes he could crash at my place but I would not help him bathe or cook for him. that is just me.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 31
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/1/2013 3:37:50 PM


I did it 4 months ago for a month. The police told her to get out of town and disappear. She called me, and had moved in within 6 hours. She stayed for about 5 weeks. My gf didn't have a problem with it, her bf didn't have a problem with it, and we slept in the same bed every night and there was no sex.

About 10 days later, an ex gf called about 11:30 one night after a police involved domestic violence incident. I hadn't seen her in 5 years and we only emailed about twice a year. Within a half hour she was here and stayed for 8 days. Slept together every night and no sex. My gf was fine with that one too.


Your probably a great guy , but Damn , you wasted a lot of oppurtunities , ..c'mon , where the fun in that ..?
 14everBlessed2
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 32
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/1/2013 6:55:01 PM
I did so with my first husband. We were separated at the time for several months (separate residences,no children) and awaiting our final papers when he was involved in a motorcycle/car accident. A car switched lanes and plowed into him and he had a broken back and other injuries. After he was released he stayed in my home and I cared for him and took him to all of his medical and legal appointments . I was technically still his wife and next of kin but I did it because it was the right thing to do. Yeah,I had some friends who gave me flak about it but you have to do what you think is right.
I don't regret stepping up and neither should you.
 oexaneh
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 33
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/1/2013 8:05:27 PM
Op...I think you do love him because you are a loving person. Your actions, care and compassion speak that. Even though you couldn't make a life with him you are a person who lives love, which isn't a feeling we switch on and off. I think people either truly live love, as a way to be, or they don't. I did the same for my ex, many years ago. We're still friends, and we still show care and respect for one another, 13 years later. Of course there is a place for boundaries with ex 's but I think you did a fine thing on this one.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 34
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/1/2013 8:57:12 PM
I took my ex husband in once for a few months.
he had an extra room and he helped out with the kids.
they were very very young at the time and needed their daddy.

I asked him to leave due to him stealing something and other reasons.
years later he became a dead beat dad..
never came to the childrens birthday nor sent a card,


no school plays...nada.
This caused a lot of pain for my children.

i was the one to bring them to his house to see them
but he never called to see them
if I didnt call....nothing
so I decieded to put it on him...let him make a call when he wanted to see them
YEARS went by...no call. didnt see them until he bumped into one daughter at her place of employment.

they all went to see him one or two times that year.
nothing since.

so...NO,..I would not. I dont think so.
I guess if he were dying....
i may......and get nurse for his personal needs.

I would have to graduate up to sainthood.
4 of his daughters and one son has a place of their own....so maybe he would go to his children first if he would even ask them. we dont have each others addresses or numbers....but he has a few of his childrens numbers. I doubt he would ever call or try to call me. too many silent years have passed.


Now...my ex boyfreinds who were good men...yes...no doubt I would.
 charmU
Joined: 4/5/2007
Msg: 35
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/1/2013 9:44:09 PM
Campfires... Did you not have anywhere else for your "guests" to sleep other than in bed with you?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 36
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 7:52:05 AM
I'd personally think you were a huge biatch if you didn't but I'm not a selfish asshat who is paranoid about any type of friendly behavior with an ex.

I base what I do on how I wish to be treated. I would hope that someone would take me in in that situation and with an extra room, the kids still wanting to spend time with him, anyone who wants to make an issue of it is stupid, and kudos to you for not bowing to pressure from a bunch of people's whose business it is not.

Now, if you had a volatile relationship that would be another thing but even then, as long as there was no safety issue I'd probably do the same thing because it is the right thing to do.


I look at it this way... At some point in my life, I might need a similar helping hand, and if I can't do that for another person, how could I expect someone else to do it for me...?

This policy has served me well for several decades and thankfully although I try to shoulder all kid related stuff alone unless I'm boxed into a corner, when I needed help in the last year and a half people were there.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 37
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 8:04:20 AM
Op, you are being the good Samaritan. I respect that. Let people think what them want. The same way your taking care of him, he will remember this and he'll take care of you.
 dcinsc13
Joined: 12/26/2012
Msg: 38
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 8:17:42 AM
I have no problem with it and I think you are doing the right thing.
Your kids are important and anytime they can be with the two of you, especially since you get along, is good.
I would do it for my ex too. We are friends.
There is no reason to never talk to him again or be enemies.
We did not fight, have a bad marriage or a bad divorce, no reason for any of it to be bad now.
I say, don't worry about what people say.
You do what feels right in your heart.
Just be sure the kids don't get the wrong idea, don't give them a reason to!
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 39
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 10:28:18 AM
If one is not careful, one could end up with a permanent house guest. I know laws differ from state to state, but here in Florida after 30 days it is considered their permanent residence and you have to go through the eviction process to get them out.
 OzzGirl22
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 40
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 10:58:42 AM
I took my ex in for a couple weeks while he was having a nightmare situation with his crazy ex.
Everyone told me I was nuts but he was a mess and needed the help. He has never been malicious, he just has made some really stupid choices.
 California_Mermaid
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 41
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 1:38:16 PM
I've taken my ex in in a time of need. We had no abuse issues. Or children. We're just humans connecting, but stay out of my damn bed.
 i_ski_do_u
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 42
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 3:37:44 PM
The last ex: I did, after she signed a written rental agreement. Avoids any he said, she said situations.

Other ex's: I have not been asked to, but I would have no problem if asked.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 43
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 4:18:28 PM
I don't think so. I don't have kids, though, so that obligatory lesson is not really an issue here.

Also, depending on which ex and whether or not I trusted them to share a studio basement suite with me... well, still that's a no. I would not even consider it for the most recent ex. Even there was like, a natural disaster and he came to my doorstep looking tattered, I still would not.

I have my boyfriend to think about anyway. I would ask him first if he was ok with it since we're long distance and maintaining trust is very important to us.
 Darkhawk36
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 44
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 4:23:00 PM
Ab-so-lute-ly not. She's burned way too many bridges with me. I will take in the kids (which we have 50/50 joint physical custody), but not her.
 ivegotitgoingon
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 45
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 5:28:45 PM
I think you did the right thing. Hopefully if the roles were reversed he would do the same.

After all he is the father of your children and like you said they are thrilled he is staying there.

As long as there aren't any risks associated with him staying there. (abuse, drugs etc) or any risk to your children.

Who cares what everyone else says. Do what feels right in your heart. You can't please everyone.
It isn't everyone else's life either. It's yours.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 46
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 9:14:44 PM

I look at it as providing a good example to my kids. How would it look to them if their dad had nowhere to go & I didn't help him?

Egzaktly. People get divorced, it doesn't mean they must hate each other.


I just couldn't be married to him. We drive each other crazy. I'm sure we will now & he will be thrilled to move back home as soon as he can.

I hear you. Probably true.
Not knowingly you will help him recover much, much, much faster.
I can see him at the doctor office "Doc, I do anything to get me out of my exes house!!"..LOL
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 47
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 9:30:28 PM
The next question is how long would you be willing to look after an ex? If your ex needed months of care or care for the rest of his/her life, and in the meantime you have moved on and found a new partner but your ex has no new partner, would you be there for the duration for the ex? Would you put him/her in palliative care in a long term care facility and forget about them, or would continue seeing and being with the ex, even if it's for the rest of his/her life?
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 48
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/2/2013 9:51:04 PM
I tried to help my 1st ex. I rented her a car and let her stay with me for a week. What a mistake! That was the longest week of my life! Oh my god...

Ok, yes, I was motivated by sex. Guilty as charged...but Jesus, what a wreck that week was. Never again. She wanted 5 star dinners and ****ed about everything under the sun for that week. No amount of sex is worth that woman's diatribe. Yikes.
 THEMEPACK
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 50
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:45:18 AM
You are also setting a good example by not taking the person in....Let him/her figure it out for themselves...and if they were to mention this to the children, well who's setting a bad example now.
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