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 AUTHOR
 sassybaby2013
Joined: 12/31/2012
Msg: 28
giving inPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are comfortable and know someone a litle bit. The last guy I datef we did not have sex until after the 5th date and it did not mean there was no chemistry or attravtion. The opposite in out case. When it did happenfor the first time it was magical!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 29
view profile
History
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 12:31:05 PM
Lots of the basics covered here already. Mostly, when I read the opening post, and the few things the OP added in later, I conclude that there isn't enough information here to even know exactly what happened. No description of communicated definitions, no explanation of expectations or desires and fears, just the bare statement that the guy seems to be done with her, and that she blames this on her refusal to have sex with him at some point.

The one thing I can point to that IS stated, which bears some scrutiny, and which I don't see mentioned directly yet, is this:


should we give what we are not ready to give just to hold a man???


This statement looks dangerous to me. I think it is important that everyone who wants to live in and prosper in the real world, comprehend that you can NEVER "hold," or otherwise purchase another person's love or loyalty. They either give it freely, or they don't. No matter how many times you do or don't have sex; no matter how compliant or individualistic and demanding you are; no matter what your standards are or how you express them; whether someone chooses to stay in your life or not, is a moment to moment decision on their part. The best any of us can do, is to be true to ourselves, give our affection and care to others as freely as we are able, and then hope that we will be fortunate enough to associate ourselves with someone who is on our "wavelength."

So to the OP I would say, given what little you've said about what did and didn't happen, the fact that you didn't want sex is your business. If you HAD decided to go ahead, it might or might not have resulted in his staying longer. How each of you expressed your sexual interests and concerns to each other, might well have caused one or both of you to recognize (as another insightful poster said) let you each see that you were incompatible; it also might have made each of you appear to be incompatible, when you were really just bad at communicating.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 30
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 12:37:35 PM

Only thing I'd add is, since OP didn't mention exactly WHEN in this budding relationship the man put sex on the table, it sounds like they both weren't moving at the same speed to me.

Well, she's only been here since January 9 and they met through here, so, about three weeks at most, and more likely less than that.

I also would feel like that was awfully fast with someone who'd begun as a complete stranger. I don't see how I'd feel close enough to him that quickly.
 sassybaby2013
Joined: 12/31/2012
Msg: 31
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 12:41:25 PM
Basically let it happen naturally and enjoy it without expectations.
 Happy_gal2013
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 32
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 12:53:20 PM
No, sex should come when the two of you are ready for it. If the guy is not on the same page it will not work.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 33
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 12:59:05 PM
No, you were not wrong!

Regardless of how long you wait having sex with a new partner, the first time can always be the last time as well.

Therefore, only have sex once you feel for it, when you are really ready for it and NEVER to please another person, and much less allow someone talk/pressure you into it, or you'll end up with regrets.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 34
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 1:03:49 PM
I agree with your decision & apparently it was the right one since he moved on.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 35
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 1:05:44 PM

I also would feel like that was awfully fast with someone who'd begun as a complete stranger.

People are assuming details we simply don't have.

If I were dating a woman and she made it clear (for instance) that there would be no pre martial sex. Without question, I would disappear.
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 36
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 1:51:23 PM
Oh jesus, calling it a game is really pretty stupid. If you are the type of person who expects to have sex in a relationship as soon as possible so be it. But if you can sit there and fault a woman for being leery of this and then tell her she's a prude, outdated or whatever. This has been going on FOREVER. It has always carried the same stigma about it. Woman sleeps with a man too soon, she's a slut, then chastise her for being a prude when she doesn't.

No matter how many details I see in any post, someone always has the answer. It's all a matter of respect and what YOUR goals are. The woman doesn't put out, she's a prude as I said, she does put out, slut. It's actually neither, it's a preference on her part to make HER choice. You may not like HER choice but, crying about it only makes you look like a petulant child who didn't get their way. Her wish was to wait, her reasons do NOT matter to anyone but YOU. You don't get your way, so you call her names, what does this say about YOU? If you think you shouldn't have to wait until someone else is prepared to sleep with you, what does this say about YOU? If you're planning on having a relationship with this person, waiting is not going to kill you, no one has ever died from blue balls. And unless your arms have shrunk down to T - Rex proportions, you'll always have a sex partner.

So which shows her your intentions in the relationship, trying to convince her to sleep with you immediately or soon afterwards, or waiting for her to be comfortable with it. You won't sleep with me, I'm outta here really says it all doesn't it. You can call it a control issue all you want, that doesn't make it so.

So many people, so quick to judge. RESPECT.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 37
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 1:58:32 PM
Woman sleeps with a man too soon, she's a slut, then chastise her for being a prude when she doesn't.

Funny thing about your little rant.. those are your labels. I would never use them.


So which shows her your intentions in the relationship

I don't consider a sexless relationship to be a relationship at all. <- There's a topic for your next diatribe
 ladywyatt
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 38
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 2:27:22 PM
[No matter how many details I see in any post, someone always has the answer. It's all a matter of respect and what YOUR goals are. The woman doesn't put out, she's a prude as I said, she does put out, slut. It's actually neither, it's a preference on her part to make HER choice. You may not like HER choice but, crying about it only makes you look like a petulant child who didn't get their way. Her wish was to wait, her reasons do NOT matter to anyone but YOU. You don't get your way, so you call her names, what does this say about YOU? If you think you shouldn't have to wait until someone else is prepared to sleep with you, what does this say about YOU? If you're planning on having a relationship with this person, waiting is not going to kill you, no one has ever died from blue balls. ]

I agree with you Brian. Good points, it all boils down to not able to take no for an answer.

Deere Rancher said as a woman ages she has less power/control over deciding who to have sex with...WTH

Rancher...I'll happily die alone if I have to give up any control over MY body to anyone, especially someone I'm not that sure I'm attracted to. You can call me anything you want , won't change a thing. You ARE mean in your posts, especially in those referring to any woman exercising her RIGHT to choose who to spread 'em for.

Stand up straight ! Yer knuckles are draggin !
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 39
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 2:45:16 PM
"Give in" ???? I think you have it backwards...Its supposed to be turned on lol
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 40
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 2:50:47 PM
Society has these labels, they ALWAYS have. Therefore, it becomes understandable why a woman could have this thought process of waiting. No matter what your opinion on the matter is, it doesn't change this. It is what it is.

No one said anything about a sexless relationship did they, not sure where you pulled that from. If you're going to quote someone, use enough of the quote to portray what was actually stated. See the example below.


Nah.. listen to the women on this site and dump the really nice guy.. you are 62, why have a little fun when you can keep your virtue intact (smh)


Nah, you would never label anyone would you. Correct me if I'm wrong but, from what I see you just called her a prude. Passive aggressively but, nonetheless.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 41
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 3:10:34 PM
I prefer to have sex instead of sexes. Even though it involves two people, is the act of being together as one, that make it singular. I am all for sex, not for sexes.

With that said, you should have sex, not because you want to keep a man, or to use sex as a tool, but because you want it, and crave it. So in the end he is not using you, you are not using him. With that said, if the guy is very pushy and annoying, that would be a turn off. But if in the other hand you are one of these people that will withhold until you are supposed to be in love. That ain't gonna happen either.

Find a happy middle ground, so you are in the relationship for all the right reasons, and intimacy is the icying on the cake.

Now realize that for most guys a relationship INCLUDES sex. No sex, no relationship.
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 42
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 3:17:44 PM
I agree Outmind...no sex=no fun = no relationship
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 43
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 3:20:33 PM
hmm... to one responder to the OP's message, he said this:


How bad do you want the relationship is the question. You aren't exactly getting any younger so your options are becoming limited. You put out or he will find someone else who will. It's called supply and demand and if you were so great he would still be around hitting you up. But keep your retardly high standards and die alone, it's really your decision.



another said it's normal and if she has any boundaries she's an uptight princess.


I am glad the man who have responded to this have not been like those two posters... though I am guessing they are trolls rather than people archaic enough to actually believe those words.


So if a person wants sex to be with someone where the heat and the intimacy include trust, a knowledge of the other person and them being not only comfortable, but with more known about the other so it doesn't bypass the other (and that kind of sex is hotter than straight animal sex with no emotional intimacy and trust built up) then that person is therefore constraining themselves to dying alone because they have no options?

Newsflash; older people also like sex, MANY men want sex to include the other kind of intimacy; those people who want to bypass the getting to know and put THEIR stamp on it (the 'or else' mentality) are the ones who will end up catching something, miss any kind of real interaction and they will be the ones who ultimately die alone.

The OP and people who want multi connection rather than single; who won't be coerced into something they want after both have learned about each other; there is nothing wrong with that; and if the other person doesn't feel that way; there's nothing wrong with that either; those people aren't compatible. One is all about the sex. The other is all about the full on relationship INCLUDING sex.

if one person can't wait for that... their loss. But trust me, the OP will not run out of options, and she will not die alone; and she does not have retardly high standards. In today's health environment as well as the environment of so many people online doing the serial dating/sexing, she is giving herself a better chance for it to work than someone who jumps straight to the sex; has nothing to fall back on; and ends up alone with an STD while they go onto their next "relationship"

OP is that the kind of person you want to "give into"?

I hope not. You can do a heck of a lot better, and there are a lot of people who actually want a blow your sox off mental and sexual relationship that includes trust, knowing the other person and a foundation of some time; so it is deeper, hotter and more real, with more substance. Wait for them. This one sounds like a good riddance person.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 44
view profile
History
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 3:50:03 PM
Listen to your female intuition. He was gona leave anyway, had nothing to do with not having sex. I dont believe a man can leave a woman ONLY because she wont put out. You were probably incompatible and he would have left you feeling much worse if you had slept with him.
 TyrantofTyranny
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 45
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 4:26:35 PM
I want sex in one week, you want sex in two weeks...see you in two weeks.
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 46
view profile
History
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 4:59:38 PM
Some people do treat sex as a commodity or bargaining tool.
 ivegotitgoingon
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 47
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 5:24:55 PM
I guess it was clear what/all he was after.

Count your blessings you didn't waste more time on this butthead.
 jwf5178
Joined: 1/27/2013
Msg: 48
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 5:41:42 PM

if one person can't wait for that... their loss. But trust me, the OP will not run out of options, and she will not die alone; and she does not have retardly high standards. In today's health environment as well as the environment of so many people online doing the serial dating/sexing, she is giving herself a better chance for it to work than someone who jumps straight to the sex; has nothing to fall back on; and ends up alone with an STD while they go onto their next "relationship"


Newsflash: If she had so many options she wouldn't be here on the forums seeking comfort from her failed relationships. I'm sure you took some time to really write that out but oh boy, what a waste of time and effort to say so little. What I said is actually right unless the guy is some feminine mangina. You can lie to yourself and think that we want some deep knowing each others feelings bs but it's just something we do to get laid. Men don't actually care.
 FlyyinSolo87
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 49
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 9:59:16 PM
JWF--- YOU don't care. YOU are not all men. YOU most likely don't know EVERY man on the face of the planet. There are actually men out there that really care about women and want to have a relationship. But because you have a penis, you obviously know better. Yet, even though I'm not with my son's father, he wasn't the BS-er you are. He wanted to have a relationship with me, but we conceived WAY to early in the relationship, which put a huge strain on it. And if you really want to talk about a waste of time and effort, I'm sure your mother would be looking at you with the same thought after reading what you wrote, showing nothing more than complete disrespect for the gender that carried you to birth and beyond. If she chooses not to have sex because, gee, he could be a grown up version of you, well then I applaud her for that. Also, how can you call it a failed relationship. It wasn't even a relationship. Now you can resume notching you bed post. Mommy should be so proud.
 vnufall
Joined: 3/6/2011
Msg: 50
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 11:06:14 PM
I'm going to be 58 in less then 6 weeks. I wouldn't have sex with a man I wasn't sure about either When I was younger there was a certain amount of game playing with dating how long you would hold out for. After you gave in, there better be a relationship or some committment. Now I don't care, if I don't feel like it I don't do it. Maybe he can't get it up anyways.....could just be a big talker....lol.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 51
view profile
History
giving in
Posted: 2/2/2013 11:16:38 PM

Deere Rancher said as a woman ages she has less power/control over deciding who to have sex with.

that isn't what he said. in essence, he said it's tougher to lead an old guy around by the d|ck because sex has become less important in his overall scheme of romantic relating. that means a woman who attempts to demand tribute by dangling the carrot of sex - by playing at being coy or prim - has less power than when her suitors were young, dumb and fulla cvm. many woman haven't and will never realize this, even into old age, as evidenced by the frequent spouting of 'men are all the same and want one thing' nonsense.

the giveaway is the op has drawn a line of blame in the sand and clearly sees this guy on the other side of it, as do the other women in this thread calling him 'butthead' and such. what is it that puts him in the wrong, precisely? being true to his courtship standards rather than hers, evidently, as if hers should be more important that his. all we know for certain is he exercised every dater's right to break things off. the outrage here comes down to a belief that women are solely entitled to dictate terms of courtship. bullsh|it. it's just easier on her ego to diminish him as a mindless horndog than to accept that he wanted her less than she wanted him.
 Happy_gal2013
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 52
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 12:07:02 AM
Ignor and Brian I agree with 100 percent. Dead on post

Deere rancher and stuBidooo I have to wonder if this would be the same advice you would give to your daughter, mother or sister. I'm glad you made your post so the pof ladies in your area can see your mind set.
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