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 AUTHOR
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 53
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giving inPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Christ .. Thank you , everyone should have understood what I was trying to express
but some ladys can't or won't accept it , and often their the ones alone

Happy gal , yes thats is the same advise I would give anyone 50 +
but as I said , the OP hasn't given us enough info to know if any of this relates to her




Rancher...I'll happily die alone if I have to give up any control over MY body to anyone, especially someone I'm not that sure I'm attracted to. You can call me anything you want , won't change a thing. You ARE mean in your posts, especially in those referring to any woman exercising her RIGHT to choose who to spread 'em for


You have mis-quoted me , and then mis represented what i said .... all this just so you could justify calling me "mean".. how petty .take your childish games off the playground
 Happy_gal2013
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 54
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 1:03:07 AM
Deere rancher,
"Christ .. Thank you , everyone should have understood what I was trying to express
but some ladys can't or won't accept it , and often their the ones alone "


Just maybe you yourself should take your own advice. Just maybe you can't or won't accept it. You maybe the one that is alone. You may change before you get to be 62, but that seems to be a long shot. Good luck with that.
 FlyyinSolo87
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 55
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 2:30:24 AM

'men are all the same and want one thing' nonsense.


Christ-- While I do agree with what you said in the rest of your post, I do have to say there are several men that say the same exact thing. In fact one poster pretty much surmised that men jump through hoops(to a certain extent) just to get that one thing they want. It's a fallacy on both parts. While general wants and needs are basically the same throughout both genders, no two people are alike in the way that they choose to attain these generally wants and needs. For the most part, I don't believe anyone should have sex before they are ready, but that 'readiness' does and should vary, not just for individual, but also the individual relationships we have. Sometimes 'giving in' on the first night leads to a great relationship, and sometimes waiting to 'give in' results in devastation. Many people are right that the OP did not give enough information on how exactly it transpired. However, I cannot fault the OP for not 'giving in' as she said, but I can fault her for, no offense OP this is just my take on it, using it as a grand prize. At the same time, the fault that does in fact lie upon the man is the that he didn't explain to her why it wouldn't work out, or why he had not further interest in her. In my opinion, everyone should have standards, but more in the 'who I would spread'em for' as apposed to 'when I will 'spread'em'. Standards are not necessarily a bad thing, but they way those standards are used can be wrong, so to speak. I feel that a lot of women are afraid to be thrown in to the slut category that they, in a way, deprive themselves of a pleasure, and a need, just to have a good outward projection. I believe that the OP wouldn't be wrong in either way she went, but maybe a little wrong in her justification of said matter.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 56
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giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 3:08:34 AM
OP this is just my take on it, using it as a grand prize.


exactly

so, for the posters who have trouble with reading comprehension , let me spell it out

what I said is.... that older men are not going to follow her around like a
c ****r spaniel in heat......,like they did when she was younger ,
most older men will simply walk away
This gives women who would use sex as a prize or reward, little bargaining power

Many women ,if not most never understand this and become bitter ..because men are no longer behaving like they used to and the women can't or don't want to adjust

Have it your way OP, but at 62 ,I think you would know, that the men are no longer going to jump thru hoops of fire to have sex with you. so if you push them back , they will likely leave
 nikkisenko
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 57
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 3:26:08 AM
Wait a minute.. the topic here is "giving in". I take that to mean that she -wanted to- but was holding off by what she later called her "standards" which is probably some outdated notion of when sex is supposed to happen[/quote\]

I find it odd that you interpreted that statement as she wanted to have sex but didn't because of old-fashioned standards. When reading the OP, all I hear is she was not yet ready. It didn't sound like she wanted to have sex at all yet. In my mind, I picture someone being incredibly uncomfortable because they are being pushed to an intimacy level they have not yet reached on their own.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 58
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giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 3:27:21 AM
The thing is liveitgood1950, believe it or not some men will hang in there long enough to get that piece of you, and then they walk... So, I think he just didn't want to play the game any longer after you didn't meet his time frame, and he probably meet a new conquest to play with...

Guys like that are nothing.

Just keep looking, you never know...

What you did is you took care of you first, congrats about not being a sucker!
Smart woman!
Jan

P.S. Just because you didn't fall to his prey, doesn't mean you will die a lone, that's crap!
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 59
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History
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 7:09:01 AM
Op if your firm on this stance...if it's so ingrained in you if it cannot change at all, despite the man involved, despite the fact that he is unique from every other man, despite the fact that you together with him will be different from every other man, despite possibly meeting him in some deliriously romantic setting for a dinner where your eyes take on a hue that's only seen once in a blue moon, where you are oblivious to the fact that the way he may have looked at you, was creating envy and remarks from those seeing this play out... If you never going to be willing to cede or be open to the way that fate, nature and sheer luck conspire to place in front of us, some really fabulous once-in-a-lifetime grab-with-both- hands opportunities that require throwing it all to the wind, then yeah....I'd agree and suggest that you go ahead and stamp something trite on your profile that distances you from the possibility of all that.

No doubt some out there will step up to meet you half way. There are male counterpoints with the safety-set gene you desire, each with there own timeline and checklists....you have to bait your particular 'trap' with the right lingo to get one of those though---I'd wish you good luck, but I'm sure you'll have no problems achieving that.
 AnAustralianWoman
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 60
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:37:55 AM

Been on POF for almost a month, met a real nice guy
...This does not say that OP has been seeing/corresponding with this guy for a month...It say's OP has been on POF for a month.
OP If you are not comfortable taking thing's to the next level then don't. If he is not prepared to wine and dine you and get to really know you then he is not worth it.
Only a month on here and you found a date...good on you. It goes to show that if you hang around then you may just find yourself a good man and not a 'nice' man.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 61
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:40:27 AM
Many of you girls should start really thinking about what you are doing when you are doing it. A lot of slamming about the guy leaving because the OP didn't give him sex, yet I wouldn't just assume that this was the case. The majority of the time I walk away from people is not the "choice" they make but, their "reasoning" behind their choices. Also "proclaiming" about how "high" your so-called "standards" are makes me puke every phucking time.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 62
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:59:38 AM

Newsflash: If she had so many options she wouldn't be here on the forums seeking comfort from her failed relationships. I'm sure you took some time to really write that out but oh boy, what a waste of time and effort to say so little. What I said is actually right unless the guy is some feminine mangina. You can lie to yourself and think that we want some deep knowing each others feelings bs but it's just something we do to get laid. Men don't actually care



several men who were not your in your face stance I actually agree with to a point; if it was done as a test or the timeline was unnaturally long or it was a power game, then it isn't really fair; but on the other hand if she has not even been on for a month and the date was into that; saying because a person happens to be over 60 they have to have sex within the first couple dates because they are powerless, unwantable and have no options... well I strongly disagree with that.

You can agree with me or not; but if I truly believed all men felt like you say you do and none of you cared about feelings nor wanted multi connection (physical mental AND emotional, not just physical horn dogging it only)... if I truly believed you were speaking for all men?

I'd turn lesbian.

So unless everyone else in here agrees with you, I will just assume she was not doing hoops (though I guess she could have been), I will assume he wanted now or none (though I guess he could not have been)

and will keep saying it is not a matter of someone using sexuality for a prize that they can make men jump through hoops for (there are quite a few people who have really dismal views on women's manipulations... wow we women must really sukk if we are anywhere near as bad in the majority as some people assume we are) and will stay on record that people don't stop wanting to know each other because of some nebulous age... but if people by that are meaning the horn dogs stop horn dogging it after an age; rather than those having grown up, rich relationships including brains and some actual feelings and good repoir between them with equal power and equal vulnerability, then good; if she is being warned off on not getting the horn doggers, good riddance to them; she will have less people to come across; but maybe but will have better fits to get to know from those who are left.

That isn't a bad thing...

it is not a power thing. It is not a "prize" (at least it shouldn't be; if it is, then the OP wouldn't have been being fair either). It is not a control thing. It's a comfort zone. At least it should be. Both people should be comfortable; so it can be a heck of a lot better when it actually happens. Someone not willing to take that into consideration and bailing (if it was not a five years or something timeline).. then good for them. More power to them. But she did absolutely the right thing by not setting aside her feelings for someone who could have cared less about them. That is NOT who you want to sleep with.

And if all guys agree with the two people I quoted (I was not quoting most of guy posters in here; most guys in here I have had no problem with your posts; just those two particular posters) and if all guys agree that no guy wants feelings trust or knowing someone as part of a richer experience of sleeping together in an exclusive relationship, if all of you want only one dimensional physical with whoever is currently there (on any particular day) with the guys holding the whip of a woman's age over her head as you now having the power and it only fu**ing when he says rather than making intense dang passionate love when both people say; then let me know, and I will seriously consider turning lesbian. But I don't believe you are speaking for all men; and I really don't care to turn lesbian. So I will have to politely agree to disagree. :)
 pageforyou
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 63
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:59:59 AM
Oh Walts! Just for you I read ALL the damn repetitive, stereotyping posts on this thread. I didn't see mention of HIGH standards. Just SOME standards. I guess that IS enough to make YOU puke. : )

I think men and some women here are responding too much to the hot wording "give in". They are reading all sorts of complicated and demanding requirements into those simple words. I've met two types on here. Well more, but they do mainly fall into to MO's. Like women want one that is a good match willing to spend some time being sure they are as good a match as they seem in writing and pics. Type 2 ~ Woman and sex now! IF not sooner. These seem like but are not limited to guys who pay for sex that think they hit the jackpot because they can go online and meet someone with very little effort and "Get" sex.

Both types are fairly obvious about what they are up to. For that ... I am grateful. : )
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 64
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:06:32 AM
Just for you Page, ;)


So I'm 62 what has age got to do with, just because I'm 62 means I lower my standers to keep a "MAN" don't think so??


Words from the original poster too!!!! Though, the spelling could have tricked ya.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 65
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:14:45 AM

Deere rancher and stuBidooo .... I'm glad you made your post so the pof ladies in your area can see your mind set.

Why would you assume that I would NOT want women to know my mind set? I'm a pretty up front, open, and rather outspoken guy (in case you couldn't tell). If I don't appeal to a certain type of woman, that's perfectly fine by me. Let other guys waste their time on them.
 KneadyOne
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 66
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:54:32 AM
This has all been very interesting, especially since I just recently took a giant step backwards. In my case, it felt like I was being invited to try, just so I could be refused. Near as I can figure, the more you try, the more points you get if you don't take a hike.
Reminds me of the old Charlie Brown and Lucy strip...where she pulls the football away each time after convincing him she wont.
 KneadyOne
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 67
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 10:07:57 AM
...and since most of this thread has dealt with semantics more than substance.....
a person who refers to sex as "giving in" is usually/always going to be considered a passive aggressive manipulator.
Younger men generally play the game.....older men usually wise up and refuse to play....

and for the one who said "good for you, putting that guy in his place; he probably couldn't get it up anyway"......lol funny....I remember reading a study somewhere which attributed E.D. to more psychological reasons than physical.......mens bodies have a way of shutting down when our minds are being phucked.......
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 68
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History
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 12:10:15 PM

I do have to say there are several men that say the same exact thing. In fact one poster pretty much surmised that men jump through hoops(to a certain extent) just to get that one thing they want. It's a fallacy on both parts.

i agree. what's sadder than women stereotyping men is when men actually enable it.

However, I cannot fault the OP for not 'giving in'

neither do i, the decision is entirely hers to decide who and how she will relate. what i have no use for is her unwillingness to grant the man the same right, but to attempt to assign blame because it contradicts her desire.

At the same time, the fault that does in fact lie upon the man is the that he didn't explain to her why it wouldn't work out, or why he had not further interest in her.

so if he owed her an explanation for not dating her, did she also owe him an explanation for not fvcking him? i say no on both counts.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 69
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 12:12:05 PM

...and since most of this thread has dealt with semantics more than substance.....
a person who refers to sex as "giving in" is usually/always going to be considered a passive aggressive manipulator.
Younger men generally play the game.....older men usually wise up and refuse to play....


you talk about semantics, let me put it into context.

Sex is not giving in for its own sake. That phrase is being used in the context of someone who was pressured to do it within a timeframe or context in which they weren't yet comfortable.

Do I want sex with someone I am in a relationship with? Definitely. When it happens, will it be "giving in" with that person when we are both there?

Heck no. Am I like every woman? No. But i am like a lot. I won't consider a relationship with someone who DOESN'T want at some point for physical to be very much part of the relationship. I need that. But that is VERY different than saying I am controlling, game playing and jerking someone around, just to prove I can. I hate games, and games are frequently played by both genders, with both genders getting hurt by the other. For all you men who have been jerked around by women; there are an equal number of women being jerked around by several men.

That is why people can't generalize, they can't stereotype and they need to be allowed their OWN comfort zone. If a guy wants within a few dates barring no extraneous circumstances? More power to you. There are a ton of women who are totally cool with that. Find them without insulting the women who want to know a person by comfort zone, not a specific # of dates or timelines (same thing for a woman with a man). And a woman (or man) who want to get to know before initiating sex into it? Cool, there are others that are like that as well. The only problem is if one of them meets the other under false pretences and then tries to change up the rules after they have started going out and then coercing them; that is jerking someone around.

You are talking about a person who is feeling coerced and they have already stated they are not quite there yet. That is when sex is giving in rather than exploring something hot and wonderful between two people. It is not semantics. It is comfort zones, and giving each person the benefit of the doubt they are not game players out to just jerk other people around. If that is someone's belief in the opposite gender? They shouldn't be dating; they will end up without meaning to jerking the other person around because of preconceived notions and fear, and both people will get hurt.

it is not an "us" and "them."

and those who take a few of us taking exception to her being told she is too old and unwantable to do anything but give it up because she is lucky anyone at all wants her, well, I am sorry but I stand on record as saying that is an incredibly cruel crappy thing to say to another human being. If that is why she is being told to ignore her own comfort zone and do something she doesn't want at that particular moment until they know each other better and have developed more trust and comfort with each other; then yeah. Have issues with that.

BOTH people have a say, and both people should be considerate of each other's feelings. No one should hold power or control over the other.
 KneadyOne
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 70
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 10:31:24 PM
Gee, thank you Moonbeam...it's all very clear now....

But wait a minute, this wasn't about you, it was about the original poster, who provided little information, invoked the ire and defensivness of men, then invoked the help of all scorned-alike minded women to validate and support her position.
The resulting and ensuing responses supplied most of the missing information needed to advise properly, and to make matters worse, imparted their own experiences to which they vehemently responded, and anything after about 3 or 4 posts was simply responses to others' assumptions and opinions.

To simplify, the Original Poster said thusly...and I take a little license here....not much...
1. I met a nice guy...
2. He wanted sex and I didn't....
3. He left and hasn't tried again...
4. Boohoo, do WE women have to stand for this??

AS a reminder before you let rip with four paragraphs, SHE only had three empty statements and one question in her post.
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 71
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 10:42:46 PM

should we give what we are not ready to give just to hold a man???

lol, sorry you do not have to give that just to hold a man...
Maybe your perception of, "just" holding a man... If someone was to accept me in a relationship or starting to, I would not appreciate , something along the lines of, should I have sex with you "just" to keep you around,lol...


we liked each other a lot

I have herd this in a lot of posts, I am sure both feelings are not always mutual...
If you like him so much, what is the problem?


met a real nice guy

Herd this 1000 times to...

I guess it's his way or no way because he has not called again.

Nice, hmmmm, or are you wrong???
 saltnvin
Joined: 10/30/2011
Msg: 72
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 12:56:23 AM
A couple of possibilities to consider
1. He may not have called you even if you did have sex with him
2. He may have been embarassed if the situation was awkward when you turned him down
3. If you had sex out of obligation, it may have been as good (for either of you) as it would be if you were ready willing and able
4. He may not be the nice guy you thought he was. Some people (male & female) are very skilled at deceit.
Overall, I think you did the right thing because you made the decision you were comfortable with.
 FlyyinSolo87
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 73
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:21:45 AM

but to attempt to assign blame because it contradicts her desire.


Again, you're right. In all fairness, though, she did not give us any indication as to HOW the discussion of sex came about. Was she mid make out session with her top already off and then turned him down for sex because she wasn't ready to go all the way? Did he make a pass at her as he was dropping her off from a date, asking for sex and she gave a simple, "I like you, but I'm not ready just yet"? Or was it more like him saying, "I need to have sex by the end of the month." and she said, "Well I have to see you a minimum of 6 months"or, perhaps, "I need to be married again"? There is very little information on the context of the discussion. By her saying, "Guess it's his way or no way," does further enforce my thinking that she needs to have a good outward projection. I know for me, when the topic of sex comes up and when to have it, I never have a set period of time. I play it by ear. In all my history of boyfriends, the timing of the sex was very different from one relationship to the next. My guidelines have always been the same, though, only have sex when it feel natural. I don't think that's having low standards because of when I do or do not have sex, the standard should lie in the type and quality of the man I do choose to have sex with. I have never gotten upset because some guy didn't call me back after I turned him down for sex because of one reason or another. There is a big difference in sticking to your guns for your own personal reasons, and sticking to your guns because of a 'standard' set by society. I've turned men down for sex because the time was wrong, by that I mean, I had to get home to my son, or I had to get to bed early because I had an early morning appointment. There have been men that haven't called back afterwards, and at the end of the day, I'm not mad at him because 'it was his way or no way', it just simply is what it is. Perhaps that's a thought process the OP should take on, not so much lower her standards, but lower her expectations.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 74
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:35:48 AM
(liveitgood1950) Been on POF for almost a month, met a real nice guy, we liked each other a lot, BUT we had a different opinion, on when we should have sexes, I guess it's his way or no way because he has not called again. Was I wrong? should we give what we are not ready to give just to hold a man???


Well, yeah. D'uh.

Seriously, how about you:

1. Have sex only when you want it; and,
2. Stop using sex to "get" a relationship (and, lose the mindset that you're "giving it up", as if you're letting us into the Holy of Holies. It's just sex).
 Loves_Montana
Joined: 10/16/2012
Msg: 75
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 12:12:01 PM
When a woman gives in after two or three dates I usually lose interest. Seeing a woman from the outside and the inside leaves little left to explore. I already know where her head is. Women tend to post men are the ones looking for sex. I say wrong. Women like getting laid just as much as men do. Treat her like a lady and give her the respect she deserves. Men tend to forget that when the little head starts thinking for the big head good manners are ignored. This usually winds up with the man in the shower alone.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 76
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 10:34:55 PM

Was I wrong? should we give what we are not ready to give just to hold a man???


Possibly, we need the full story.

Sex isn't a prize for being with someone long enough. It's not something you keep from someone so that he caters to every wish you have.

Luckily this trend is slowly starting to disappear, but way too many women won't let go of this mentality of "we only have sex when I'm ready".

You gotta remember, the guy is an actual person too, with his own thoughts. You either need to look for someone with the same exact view on sex and when to have sex as you do, or you need to learn to compromise. Not everyone wants to wait half a year because you're not ready.

It's sex, not marriage. You can meet the guy halfway, it's not all about you and what you want. There's an actual living, breathing, human being, on the other side of the issue. A relationship is 50/50, meet him in the middle.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 77
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 10:45:25 PM
dont let any man take more than - you are prepared to give!!

No man will respect you i- f you sleep with him on a first date!!


You will prolly hear back from him - but dont sleep with any man - on a first date - prolly not even second - wait and see if he shows up regularly - and is respectful!!
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