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 AUTHOR
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 64
giving inPage 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Just for you Page, ;)


So I'm 62 what has age got to do with, just because I'm 62 means I lower my standers to keep a "MAN" don't think so??


Words from the original poster too!!!! Though, the spelling could have tricked ya.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 65
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:14:45 AM

Deere rancher and stuBidooo .... I'm glad you made your post so the pof ladies in your area can see your mind set.

Why would you assume that I would NOT want women to know my mind set? I'm a pretty up front, open, and rather outspoken guy (in case you couldn't tell). If I don't appeal to a certain type of woman, that's perfectly fine by me. Let other guys waste their time on them.
 KneadyOne
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 66
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:54:32 AM
This has all been very interesting, especially since I just recently took a giant step backwards. In my case, it felt like I was being invited to try, just so I could be refused. Near as I can figure, the more you try, the more points you get if you don't take a hike.
Reminds me of the old Charlie Brown and Lucy strip...where she pulls the football away each time after convincing him she wont.
 KneadyOne
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 67
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 10:07:57 AM
...and since most of this thread has dealt with semantics more than substance.....
a person who refers to sex as "giving in" is usually/always going to be considered a passive aggressive manipulator.
Younger men generally play the game.....older men usually wise up and refuse to play....

and for the one who said "good for you, putting that guy in his place; he probably couldn't get it up anyway"......lol funny....I remember reading a study somewhere which attributed E.D. to more psychological reasons than physical.......mens bodies have a way of shutting down when our minds are being phucked.......
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 68
view profile
History
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 12:10:15 PM

I do have to say there are several men that say the same exact thing. In fact one poster pretty much surmised that men jump through hoops(to a certain extent) just to get that one thing they want. It's a fallacy on both parts.

i agree. what's sadder than women stereotyping men is when men actually enable it.

However, I cannot fault the OP for not 'giving in'

neither do i, the decision is entirely hers to decide who and how she will relate. what i have no use for is her unwillingness to grant the man the same right, but to attempt to assign blame because it contradicts her desire.

At the same time, the fault that does in fact lie upon the man is the that he didn't explain to her why it wouldn't work out, or why he had not further interest in her.

so if he owed her an explanation for not dating her, did she also owe him an explanation for not fvcking him? i say no on both counts.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 69
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 12:12:05 PM

...and since most of this thread has dealt with semantics more than substance.....
a person who refers to sex as "giving in" is usually/always going to be considered a passive aggressive manipulator.
Younger men generally play the game.....older men usually wise up and refuse to play....


you talk about semantics, let me put it into context.

Sex is not giving in for its own sake. That phrase is being used in the context of someone who was pressured to do it within a timeframe or context in which they weren't yet comfortable.

Do I want sex with someone I am in a relationship with? Definitely. When it happens, will it be "giving in" with that person when we are both there?

Heck no. Am I like every woman? No. But i am like a lot. I won't consider a relationship with someone who DOESN'T want at some point for physical to be very much part of the relationship. I need that. But that is VERY different than saying I am controlling, game playing and jerking someone around, just to prove I can. I hate games, and games are frequently played by both genders, with both genders getting hurt by the other. For all you men who have been jerked around by women; there are an equal number of women being jerked around by several men.

That is why people can't generalize, they can't stereotype and they need to be allowed their OWN comfort zone. If a guy wants within a few dates barring no extraneous circumstances? More power to you. There are a ton of women who are totally cool with that. Find them without insulting the women who want to know a person by comfort zone, not a specific # of dates or timelines (same thing for a woman with a man). And a woman (or man) who want to get to know before initiating sex into it? Cool, there are others that are like that as well. The only problem is if one of them meets the other under false pretences and then tries to change up the rules after they have started going out and then coercing them; that is jerking someone around.

You are talking about a person who is feeling coerced and they have already stated they are not quite there yet. That is when sex is giving in rather than exploring something hot and wonderful between two people. It is not semantics. It is comfort zones, and giving each person the benefit of the doubt they are not game players out to just jerk other people around. If that is someone's belief in the opposite gender? They shouldn't be dating; they will end up without meaning to jerking the other person around because of preconceived notions and fear, and both people will get hurt.

it is not an "us" and "them."

and those who take a few of us taking exception to her being told she is too old and unwantable to do anything but give it up because she is lucky anyone at all wants her, well, I am sorry but I stand on record as saying that is an incredibly cruel crappy thing to say to another human being. If that is why she is being told to ignore her own comfort zone and do something she doesn't want at that particular moment until they know each other better and have developed more trust and comfort with each other; then yeah. Have issues with that.

BOTH people have a say, and both people should be considerate of each other's feelings. No one should hold power or control over the other.
 KneadyOne
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 70
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 10:31:24 PM
Gee, thank you Moonbeam...it's all very clear now....

But wait a minute, this wasn't about you, it was about the original poster, who provided little information, invoked the ire and defensivness of men, then invoked the help of all scorned-alike minded women to validate and support her position.
The resulting and ensuing responses supplied most of the missing information needed to advise properly, and to make matters worse, imparted their own experiences to which they vehemently responded, and anything after about 3 or 4 posts was simply responses to others' assumptions and opinions.

To simplify, the Original Poster said thusly...and I take a little license here....not much...
1. I met a nice guy...
2. He wanted sex and I didn't....
3. He left and hasn't tried again...
4. Boohoo, do WE women have to stand for this??

AS a reminder before you let rip with four paragraphs, SHE only had three empty statements and one question in her post.
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 71
giving in
Posted: 2/3/2013 10:42:46 PM

should we give what we are not ready to give just to hold a man???

lol, sorry you do not have to give that just to hold a man...
Maybe your perception of, "just" holding a man... If someone was to accept me in a relationship or starting to, I would not appreciate , something along the lines of, should I have sex with you "just" to keep you around,lol...


we liked each other a lot

I have herd this in a lot of posts, I am sure both feelings are not always mutual...
If you like him so much, what is the problem?


met a real nice guy

Herd this 1000 times to...

I guess it's his way or no way because he has not called again.

Nice, hmmmm, or are you wrong???
 saltnvin
Joined: 10/30/2011
Msg: 72
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 12:56:23 AM
A couple of possibilities to consider
1. He may not have called you even if you did have sex with him
2. He may have been embarassed if the situation was awkward when you turned him down
3. If you had sex out of obligation, it may have been as good (for either of you) as it would be if you were ready willing and able
4. He may not be the nice guy you thought he was. Some people (male & female) are very skilled at deceit.
Overall, I think you did the right thing because you made the decision you were comfortable with.
 FlyyinSolo87
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 73
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:21:45 AM

but to attempt to assign blame because it contradicts her desire.


Again, you're right. In all fairness, though, she did not give us any indication as to HOW the discussion of sex came about. Was she mid make out session with her top already off and then turned him down for sex because she wasn't ready to go all the way? Did he make a pass at her as he was dropping her off from a date, asking for sex and she gave a simple, "I like you, but I'm not ready just yet"? Or was it more like him saying, "I need to have sex by the end of the month." and she said, "Well I have to see you a minimum of 6 months"or, perhaps, "I need to be married again"? There is very little information on the context of the discussion. By her saying, "Guess it's his way or no way," does further enforce my thinking that she needs to have a good outward projection. I know for me, when the topic of sex comes up and when to have it, I never have a set period of time. I play it by ear. In all my history of boyfriends, the timing of the sex was very different from one relationship to the next. My guidelines have always been the same, though, only have sex when it feel natural. I don't think that's having low standards because of when I do or do not have sex, the standard should lie in the type and quality of the man I do choose to have sex with. I have never gotten upset because some guy didn't call me back after I turned him down for sex because of one reason or another. There is a big difference in sticking to your guns for your own personal reasons, and sticking to your guns because of a 'standard' set by society. I've turned men down for sex because the time was wrong, by that I mean, I had to get home to my son, or I had to get to bed early because I had an early morning appointment. There have been men that haven't called back afterwards, and at the end of the day, I'm not mad at him because 'it was his way or no way', it just simply is what it is. Perhaps that's a thought process the OP should take on, not so much lower her standards, but lower her expectations.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 74
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:35:48 AM
(liveitgood1950) Been on POF for almost a month, met a real nice guy, we liked each other a lot, BUT we had a different opinion, on when we should have sexes, I guess it's his way or no way because he has not called again. Was I wrong? should we give what we are not ready to give just to hold a man???


Well, yeah. D'uh.

Seriously, how about you:

1. Have sex only when you want it; and,
2. Stop using sex to "get" a relationship (and, lose the mindset that you're "giving it up", as if you're letting us into the Holy of Holies. It's just sex).
 Loves_Montana
Joined: 10/16/2012
Msg: 75
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 12:12:01 PM
When a woman gives in after two or three dates I usually lose interest. Seeing a woman from the outside and the inside leaves little left to explore. I already know where her head is. Women tend to post men are the ones looking for sex. I say wrong. Women like getting laid just as much as men do. Treat her like a lady and give her the respect she deserves. Men tend to forget that when the little head starts thinking for the big head good manners are ignored. This usually winds up with the man in the shower alone.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 76
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 10:34:55 PM

Was I wrong? should we give what we are not ready to give just to hold a man???


Possibly, we need the full story.

Sex isn't a prize for being with someone long enough. It's not something you keep from someone so that he caters to every wish you have.

Luckily this trend is slowly starting to disappear, but way too many women won't let go of this mentality of "we only have sex when I'm ready".

You gotta remember, the guy is an actual person too, with his own thoughts. You either need to look for someone with the same exact view on sex and when to have sex as you do, or you need to learn to compromise. Not everyone wants to wait half a year because you're not ready.

It's sex, not marriage. You can meet the guy halfway, it's not all about you and what you want. There's an actual living, breathing, human being, on the other side of the issue. A relationship is 50/50, meet him in the middle.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 77
giving in
Posted: 2/4/2013 10:45:25 PM
dont let any man take more than - you are prepared to give!!

No man will respect you i- f you sleep with him on a first date!!


You will prolly hear back from him - but dont sleep with any man - on a first date - prolly not even second - wait and see if he shows up regularly - and is respectful!!
 FlyyinSolo87
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 78
giving in
Posted: 2/5/2013 5:22:15 AM

No man will respect you i- f you sleep with him on a first date!!


That's no where near true. I've had a few partners that I've slept with the first time meeting them. One has become a great friend, and three others bloomed into relationships, and all of them respected me. My cousin and his wife joke about how their marriage is a one night stand that lasted 10 years. I will say it again, it's the QUALITY of the man who you sleep with that's important, NOT the when. Holding out to keep a man is just as stupid, idiotic, or deluded as having sex to keep a man. If a man is looking for just sex he will not stay in either case, nor will a man stay if he knows he's being toyed with. Men aren't puppy's that need to be trained. Sex is not and never will be the determining factor in whether or not a man will respect you. There are other factors that go into that.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 79
giving in
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:58:08 AM
Yeah, I don't know why so many of you think that sex is this magical thing that if you wait til just the perfect time, the guy is insanely in love with you and will never hurt you...

If he's just looking to get laid, he might take you out a few times while he's banging other people to get you comfortable, have sex with you, then leave you.

Sex is just sex. You can do it the second you two meet, or after a year, but it's not going to change how the guy thinks about you at all. If he's just using you, he's still just using you after sex. If you're just one girl on a huge list, having sex with him isn't going to make him forget about every other girl.

Respect is something you EARN. Guys don't look at when you have sex with us, we look at the type of person you are, how you treat people, how you carry yourself.

Again, having sex with you is NOT a prize. We're human, humans have sex. And if you're a terrible person, there's no perfect time for sex that's going to make me overlook that.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 80
view profile
History
giving in
Posted: 2/5/2013 4:33:12 PM
I totally respected your decision, and I still do. However at our age, and I agree with many here, looking at the other side of the coin.

I think the key is the very topic of this thread. “Giving In”

I think "giving in" is putting out, isn’t?

I guess the OP is looking for love before she shares the horn of plenty, but the posters are right. Sex is sex and love is love. I guess there is nothing wrong with that, but at our age, who cares if you like someone and it happens, it’s meant to happen that’s the way I look at it. Why put your human desires in a box? I think, I’ve been watching re-runs of Sex in the City too much, lol…. Samantha cracks me up!

No expectations, nothing to lose…
OP go with your heart… if you’re not ready, you’re not ready, and if a man can’t handle that then he probably won’t stay around anyhow, but then again you could just have a good time, and lose his number, then if he calls you’ll be totally surprised! Kidding…

Honestly though if the passion isn’t there, then say bye bye and don’t look back was the right thing to do.

OP just didn't have it for him, it’s that simple.
Jan
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 81
giving in
Posted: 2/6/2013 7:32:30 AM


No man will respect you i- f you sleep with him on a first date!!


(FlyyinSolo87) That's no where near true.


Speaking only for myself, I have to say I agree with you completely. I'll respect a woman who's respectable; the lapse of time between our first meeting, and the time we first get wet-n-sticky with each other, has no bearing for me on respectability.

(that's not to say that "respectable" is the same thing as "keeper". Just sayin' that my respect for a woman doesn't involve *NOT* seeing her knickers too soon...)
 GuitarHero68
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 82
view profile
History
giving in
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:51:28 PM
It's not about giving sex or "hold[ing] a man." If you want to have sex with him, go for it. If you're not ready, let him know. If he presses for sex too early, he's probably not interested in anything having to do with a relationship.

It takes two, so there's no advantage to be taken here anyway.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 83
view profile
History
giving in
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:58:30 PM
Do what seems right to you. You are not accountable to anyone else. Besides, is this the way he's going to act every time you disagree with him? Not worth it.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 84
giving in
Posted: 2/7/2013 7:05:44 AM

(jlynn1955) Do what seems right to you. You are not accountable to anyone else. Besides, is this the way he's going to act every time you disagree with him? Not worth it.


How is he "acting"? He's apparently simply not interested, and has decided to move on.
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