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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Would you want to know if he was lying to you?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 browneyesseeking
Joined: 1/12/2013
Msg: 16
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?Page 3 of 2    (1, 2)
Thanks to all of you who took the time to think about and respond to my questions.

I had already made my decision and taken action before I posted the questions. I was really wanting to know how other women might feel, thus the poll.

To clarify a couple of points,
- I stumbled across some information that indicated that he was also in a "committed" relationship with someone else.
- I contacted him immediately to ask if it was true. He admitted it and apologized; he said he had been selfish, and thought better of me. We had a civil conversation and I let him know that *I* was done. We wished each other well.
-At the end of the conversation I let him know that morally the other woman should know. He asked me not to tell her as she would be hurt and added "You have the power to protect her from the hurt that I have caused you".
- I indicated that I was not willing to participate in his deception of another woman, and that I was going to contact her, out of kindness and respect for her.

In the end, I did contact her by email, only with the suggestion that she needed to chat with him about their relationship and that he had been dishonest with both her and I. I did not provide any details, but provided her with the incentive to have a conversation with him. I contacted her out of kindness, as I would have wanted to know, as difficult as this type of news is to receive. I certainly was not acting out of revenge or anger.

She thanked me for contacting her.

I will never know if he told her the complete truth or not, and frankly, that is between the two of them. I merely gave her the opportunity to discover the truth.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 17
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/3/2013 5:51:38 PM
ya.. i have the firm belief that the "bearer of bad tidings" will be the one who is shot......

the other woman is always blamed when a man is the cheater....

Would i want to know?.. well.. I am glad that my relationship is over.. but all the drama that "that man" caused by his lying and cheating.. I could have done without. He shoulda coulda (but didnt) let me go so he could go play.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 18
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/3/2013 6:00:36 PM
I think you did the right thing, browneyesseeking. I told my ex's other woman about me, and she was very nice; apologized, like it was her fault he'd lied to her about being single. Of course I told her I didn't blame her! We both got needed information out of it.
 wannachat4now
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 19
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/5/2013 4:47:55 PM
It's really not your place to alert the other woman of his nasty life. She needs to figure it out for herself. Most of the time you be the bad guy and made to look crazy. Karma is a real thing and he will get his. Be thankful you discovered this before you were truly serious with this man. If the other woman is smart she will see the "red flags" and discover this on her own.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/5/2013 5:10:18 PM
No I wouldn't contact the other woman.
No I wouldn't feel I had to act under some moral obligation.
Yes I would want to know if the man I was in a relationship with was lying...but not by interference of another.
Trusting the word of another woman who decided to come forward and spill the beans would result in me having a lot of other questions.

When I was in my 20's I spent a few years working at the front desk in one of the best five star hotels in the world. I saw 'a lot'. Lots of indiscretions.

One thing I learned was that sometimes things that happen--things that seem illicit -are actually not. Sometimes what's happening is known with tacit approval.

I'll leave the sussing out on what's going on between the sheets of others to the individuals involved.

One other thing...I trust my own gut feelings. When anything like this has been a part of a relationship, I on some level had early inklings of it and took it up with the guy in question.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 21
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/5/2013 11:57:35 PM

This question is for women, but as I am a woman, I can't seem to post in the "Ask a girl" section.

If you discovered that the man you had been seeing in a mutually- agreed upon "exclusive relationship" for a few months was ALSO in a relationship with ANOTHER woman who also thought they were in a mutually exclusive relationship with him,

1. would you contact the other woman and tell her what you had discovered?
2. would you think you had the moral obligation to tell the other woman? Or do you think it would be best left for her to discover it on her own?
3. Would you want to know that the man you were in a relationship with was lying, or would ignorance be bliss?
2. how much information would you share with the other woman?
3. if you were the other woman, would you believe another woman who contacted you to tell you?


First up, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Believe me, this is something no one needs to go through. Secondly, this does happen to guys as well. And for me... I've been on all sides of the spectrum. I've been the "other man", "the exclusive man", and "the cheating man" (I'm not proud of the last one, but I do admit it.)

From my experience, I'd say do the right thing no matter what. And the right thing for you is to:

1.) Bring this to the other woman's attention (If he's lying to you, odds are he's also lying to her. Therefore, both of you deserve to be told the truth.
2.) Dump his ass. (If you don't do the first step mentioned, you'll end up hanging on to that anger for many, many years. And you'll have difficulty trusting another man. You get the truth out to all parties concerned, everything will be ok for everyone.... especially you.)

Doing this will not only expose the truth. But it'll aslo show the craziness of the situation. In the end, the cheater is the one who looks crazy. Very rarely is it one of the "cheatees" that looks crazy in the end. But it does still happen.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 22
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:26:41 PM
"You have the power to protect her from the hurt that I have caused you".


LOL OMG! This sounds like a seriously rehearsed line. He wanted to put the guilt of the responsibility on YOU. That's classic. I wonder how many times it had worked for him in the past.
 browneyesseeking
Joined: 1/12/2013
Msg: 23
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:31:09 PM
OMG Bebedeleau... you are right!! It does sound like a "line". It did not occur to me that he may have said that to someone else before!!! You are so right, he probably has used the line before. Come to think of it, in retrospect there are lots of things that he said to me that were probably used before, and in the same circumstance!!

Yes he did try to make me feel like I would be guilty of hurting her. I did clearly say to him, before I contacted her that I had done nothing wrong as I was in a monogamous relationship (albeit one-sided) , that he was the ONLY one who had done something wrong. I also pointed out that she did not deserve to get cheated on any more than I did.

Weird thing is when this happened I felt totally alone, and like no one else could ever feel as betrayed and deceived as I had felt. I also felt ashamed for not seeing the signs. But then, reading the forums I realized much to my chagrin that there are men and women alike who have experienced this, and have felt the pain I felt.

Ultimately I stayed true to my value system and was honest and respectful to both him and her. Strangely enough I felt more compassion for how she might feel about being betrayed and lied to too, than I felt angry at him. My telling her enough to make her question the relationship was to give her the knowledge to question him and decide if she would stay with him knowing that he had been deceitful.

Thanks so much for the comments thus far. They have brought me strength, as I was completely blind-sided!!
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 24
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:40:42 PM

I also pointed out that she did not deserve to get cheated on any more than I did.

Exactly how I felt.
 sunsunsun4
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 25
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/10/2013 3:18:25 AM
I would be very quick to contact her to find out if they had unprotected sex and it's possible he picked up an STD. Peoples' feelings aren't nearly as important as whether I get an infection.
 Mikare
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 26
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/10/2013 7:08:59 AM
In my experience, I have been the contacted party. One met me by accident, tearfully apologized saying she didn't know he was married... We were divorcing at the time. It conformed what In my heart I already knew...Of course I forgave her.
The next was a woman who believed I was interfering in her relationship -I was engaged to her boyfriend....Had been for a long time...How dare I do that!!! It was full of Facebook drama-she wanted a tug of war , and a lot of attention. I wanted to get on with my life...He continues on his pattern of lies and manipulations. I'm just not a part of it any more.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 27
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/10/2013 10:30:23 AM

I would be very quick to contact her to find out if they had unprotected sex and it's possible he picked up an STD. Peoples' feelings aren't nearly as important as whether I get an infection.

It's also for her good. She needs to be aware of this risk as well. There may have been more than one other woman.

She and I have been comparing some serious notes. We're getting together for some dinner and wine next week. We've bonded. Sort of like earthquake survivors.

Heh. My "other woman" and I just had the one conversation, but there was very much that feel to it! We'd both just been through the same awful thing after all, and were both quite shocked. Definitely, a survivors' kind of bond.
 IngaBlue2
Joined: 6/19/2012
Msg: 28
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/12/2013 7:05:53 PM
Yes, I would want to know.
Would I contact a stranger & tell them their 'honey' was not a honey? No. Why? Because you never ever know who or what type of person you are dealing with. Move on with your life & mind your own business, for safety sake.
Would I continue the relationship with a man I thought I had an exclusive relationship with & found that I did not? Nope.
The most essential ingredient in any relationship of any kind is trust. If you do not have trust you have nothing. If a person (man or woman) has cheated they have already left the relationship. Cheating refers to dishonesty whether in word or deed.
 moon_breeze
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 29
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/17/2013 3:37:11 AM
I would want to know, as irritated as I might be at you for being the bearer of bad news. It would save me months or maybe years of being fooled. Yes, your motives might be selfish and to 'mess up his game' and it may be more mature to take the high road, but I'd rather know. Would you let a con artist rob you and then not tell someone else you knew he was conning too?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/17/2013 4:15:17 AM
Integra - Five years with no warning signs? No unexplained absences? No nagging feelings that something might be wrong?

That's really scary.
 Cmk80
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 31
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/17/2013 9:51:30 PM
Yes I would contact the other woman. I have been in this situation and I did contact her and tell her everything and I gave her just enough information that gave her proof so he couldn't deny it. I have been on both sides of it and I would want someone to tell me if I was being lied to.
 gypsy1300
Joined: 7/10/2012
Msg: 32
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/24/2013 6:55:13 PM
Going on to a better life is the answer..he will cheat and lie over and over again till you or he dies..don't ruin your life with this jerk!!
 shtz_and_giggles
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 33
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/25/2013 6:51:21 AM
As this just happened to me:-( I Discovered the truth from girls panties in his bed that were not mine. I had been seeing him for 8 months....and turns out he had another as well. I guess i could say, I would want to know.! I did go back with him, just to recently find out he is still on pof searching daily. What a Pig! Woodsman65...Tarzan seeking Jane......Is a huge player. He makes you think you are the only one. Sad. Anyways, good luck to you.
 browneyesseeking
Joined: 1/12/2013
Msg: 34
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/25/2013 11:48:51 AM
Why why why can't people just be honest??

When I first started dating my cheater, he told me that what had made me stand out was my POF profile. I was optimistic and positive, and I didn't have a shopping list of what I wasn't looking for. He went on to comment about all the jaded women on POF.

Months later, when I discovered that he had been less than truthful with me, I pointed out women are likely jaded because they had been screwed over like someone just like him.
 forumluvr
Joined: 12/14/2010
Msg: 35
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/25/2013 1:06:41 PM
YES!

1 - never would I contact her. If she contacted me - I wouldn't lie tho.
2 - no, I think the moral obligation is to yourself. As hers is to her.
3 - sticky - because I would want to know.
4 - the least amount of what she wants to know. then tell her to talk to him.
5 - I would need some kind of proof - but usually your gut reactions say it all. We just don't listen.
 GreenShadowNymph
Joined: 5/26/2011
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/25/2013 6:02:59 PM
I have in fact told the other woman, she was thankful and found a new boyfriend. I would want to know. I look out for my girls.
"Just letting it go" means that lying sack of shit wins.
 GreenShadowNymph
Joined: 5/26/2011
Msg: 37
view profile
History
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 2/25/2013 6:13:09 PM

Yes he did try to make me feel like I would be guilty of hurting her. I did clearly say to him, before I contacted her that I had done nothing wrong as I was in a monogamous relationship (albeit one-sided) , that he was the ONLY one who had done something wrong. I also pointed out that she did not deserve to get cheated on any more than I did.


yeah lying men like trying to guilt trip the people they lie to. You need to know NONE of it was your fault. Anything he said to make you feel guilty is because he's a cheating sack of shit. His claim that YOU had the power to keep her from getting hurt was just a manipulation tactic to try to save his ass, HE was the only one who had the power to keep her from getting hurt, and that was by not cheating in the first place. He was trying to put his evil actions off on you. He probably did other things to lower your self esteem during the whole relationship.
Remember that you were right, you were not the crazy one, and he doesn't deserve to be with anyone. (and the other woman is better off without him)
 krismess
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 38
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:47:30 PM
I would want to know. I went through thiswith an ex husband of 17 years. Yes he denied it,made me out to be the insecure jealous one,he finally admitted it when he decided to leave me for her. it wasted some of the best years of my life in a dead end unhappy relationship that if Id only known Id of have some quality time to search for true happiness with another. Yes it was painful. Yes in any future relatonship Id love to know.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 39
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 3/17/2013 3:51:11 AM
I will only invest in the truth, so yes, I would want to know. However I wouldn't think of commiting like that after only a few months, but that's just me. You haven't even scratched the tip of the iceburg yet on really knowing the other.
 EyesRgreen_62
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 40
Would you want to know if he was lying to you?
Posted: 3/17/2013 2:08:17 PM
OP, sorry this happened to you :(

I would confront him and tell him I know what is going on and with whom ... and get the HELL out of there ... leave him worrying and thinking the other woman might find out at any time ... this way you take your dignity with you.
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