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 AUTHOR
 MiaIris
Joined: 4/30/2010
Msg: 22
Misunderstanding & remedyPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
"didn't reply for four whole days!"

He did reply to my texts but our communication was getting infrequent and he initiated most of them.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 23
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History
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:54:06 AM
Ok, in that's case I'll change my response, to go better with the new facts.

If he did reply to you and told you he was sick and you flipped out because he didn't communicate with the same freaquency, it really is on you. You're not ready for a relationship, when you're this insecure, and well-adjusted adults do not want to deal with other people's unaddressed issues. Only you can fix this.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 24
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:54:06 AM
Well OP, maybe confronting him on what you have written here would be a great thing. Being open and letting him know what is going on in your life would also let you know who he is as far as how he would reply to what you want to say. It is all about communication. Now since this hasn't been going on long, maybe there are some things you ease into so the understanding on the other end is felt. He may get worried about your insecurities or he may be a guy that also want to show you you don't have to have them with you. In the end, it is up to you to control what your issues are. You handle those issues and the world is yours and only time will validate that. You are on the right track, take care of you and the rest is all yours!!
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 25
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History
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:02:41 AM
OP... your overthinking everything , .. and in doing so, your creating your own problem ,

Op...your feeling insecure, because you don't think your good enough for him, so you want to sacrifice a great guy ......rather than overcome your issues ......
 MiaIris
Joined: 4/30/2010
Msg: 26
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/3/2013 12:03:13 PM
re: safaa30


Last time when the contact started to dwindle you tried to rescue things with sex, didnt work. Why are you trying to rescue them again?


I don't know where you got such information. I merely said we were physical too soon. He initiated physical contact even after claiming he was a gentlemen though I went along with it to my chagrin. Point was, I was happy when we were getting to know each other through communication but when it dwindled I felt insecure. Since I don't initiate anything, I'm rather passive-aggressive in this relationship though I am interested.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 27
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History
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/3/2013 6:11:01 PM
From your original post



but then communication started twindling but I still went to meet up with him for two weekends and it got physical (too soon perhaps)


 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 28
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/3/2013 6:21:57 PM
I agree with safaa's assessment, Mialris. And I don't think this is all on you... in my opinion the man knows very well that you are vulnerable and is toying with you.

You can stop allowing that any time.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 29
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/3/2013 7:06:47 PM

And I don't think this is all on you... in my opinion the man knows very well that you are vulnerable and is toying with you.


now wait a minute....how it is his fault? How can you say she's vulnerable and he is toying with her? Because she had sex with him? That's silly.

She is an adult, she had sex with him. Did he offer her commitment? Exclusivity? Marriage prior to having sex? Did she ask him for this??? Probably not.

They had sex, he backed off because he was sick or some other reason and she freaked because of it. Happens. All. The. Time.

Learn from this experience OP. You can't panic when a guy backs off, you need to go live your life. If you do find yourself panicking while he is gone, figure out what is making feel so insecure. Next time it happens, if you can keep a level head during his absence, he will, most likely, be back.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 30
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/3/2013 7:29:40 PM

how it is his fault?

Didn't say it was. What he's doing is his fault and what she's doing is her fault - this situation took two to create it. I'd call it even between the two of them.
 for4rums_loner_here
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 31
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/3/2013 9:55:28 PM
Misunderstanding & remedy
The topic is the best in its title. "Misunderstanding & remedy".

Smack dub out of Tolstoy's pen, War and Peace, or out of Dostoyevsi's, "Crime and Punishment", or out of any of Jane Austen's novels, "Pride and Prejudice", "Sense and Sensibility", "Kisses and Vaaaginnas", "Cries and Whispers", "Naked and Dead", etc. etc.

The title is extremely well chosen. In my opinion its wording is on a very high literary level.
 cheryld53
Joined: 8/1/2011
Msg: 32
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History
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:49:14 AM
it is what it is two people texting each other I have to tell you that what a fool you are a relationship takes longer then two weeks and it is a mutual thing
 MiaIris
Joined: 4/30/2010
Msg: 33
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:08:54 AM
re: cherld53


a relationship takes longer then two weeks and it is a mutual thing


I feel like the fool. I am quite aware that a relationship is a mutual thing that takes two people and am generally not the type to force things. But with interaction and reciprocity, it doesn't matter how long it is, if there were mutual feelings, it counts as a relationship worth salvaging. I suppose anytime communication breaks down, the relationship will deteriorate naturally.
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 34
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/5/2013 9:19:50 PM
While you did make a couple of mistakes, I see lots of other people make the same mistakes.

I suspect that this was a long distance relationship - those are tough. Yes, I do believe you had sex too early - waiting until the third date would have been better (and only when things are just right between a couple at that stage) - I'm sure the long distance thing mixed it up in a bad way.... this probably lead to things being more involved too fast. Plus, he moved too quickly (this was his fault)... in fact, it's usually the woman who initiates sex in the better relationships that go the distance - when she is ready. Are you surprised?

But his sickness was a real curve-ball at a critical time in the relationship.... within the first two months, things are very fragile. This is because you did not love him deeply enough, there was not enough time in the relationship to handle this curve-ball, so you flaked.. and rightfully so.

But I would suggest some rules to keep you out of trouble in the future - one date a week and call only to schedule a date for the first two months, No sex until at least the third date (the first coffee date off an online dating site does not count), and stay away from long distance relationships.

Honestly, this is just a number of dating blunders and an unfortunate sickness at a critical relationship building time, and all happening too fast.

But no, I think too much damage was done too soon for this to be salvaged... egos, trust, and respect, and love has been permanently killed off here. You need to find someone else, and start with a clean slate.

I also suspect you may be on the rebound and not fully healed from the last relationship - this may also be getting you down.

Relationships can be fragile, and dating can be a big cat-and-mouse game in the first two months until both people fall in love - don't get down on yourself - you'll find another and someone better. And the good news? - you only need to find one good one.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 35
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History
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/5/2013 11:57:20 PM
I don't know how old you are, but all this drama with a complete stranger over a couple of weeks...it screams 14 year old drama fest. He deserves better? Anyone would deserve better, including how badly you treat yourself, time to grow up some.
 auntyemm
Joined: 12/22/2012
Msg: 36
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 12:07:49 AM
Your 35..GROW UP.If someone is sick then they don,t want to be bugged.
 for4rums_loner_here
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 37
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:02:32 AM
OP don't grow up. People who tell you "grow up" are not only arrogant in their wordage, but also envious of you, because you can still live life without being grown up... it's always the grass being greener, and some can't stand that, because they are entitled to all the happiness and entitlements in life that anyone else is entitled to, and if they don't or can't enjoy one of these entitlements, then they try to hurt the one who does or can enjoy the entitlement. Sort of "hurt them so they lose their advantage that they enjoy with that entitlement which I don't have", is what they say. In short, they have to bring down the grass. On the other side.
 darkmascara
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 38
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:22:48 AM
But I would suggest some rules to keep you out of trouble in the future - one date a week and call only to schedule a date for the first two months, No sex until at least the third date (the first coffee date off an online dating site does not count), and stay away from long distance relationships.


sex on a 3rd date?? isn't that too soon?? men respect standards.
why, ladies, are you passing out benefits to men before they’ve proven themselves worthy? Come on now, you know what the benefits are. I’m not talking about being nice to him, or cooking for him, or going out to dinner with him, or helping him pick out an outfit, or bringing him around your mother. Those are things that happen during the course of a budding relationship you do special things for each other because you care. By benefits, in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m talking about sex. And if you’re giving your benefits to a guy who’s only been on the job for a week or two, you’re making a grave mistake.

You don’t know this man not much about him, anyway.
He doesn’t know you.
He hasn’t proven himself.
And he could walk off the job at any time.
And you’ll have no one but yourself to blame.
Think about it: the first guy you slept with quicker than ninety days where is he? I’m willing to bet that you’re probably not with him. True, there are some people out there somewhere who had sex early in the relationship and are still together to this very day, but that’s rare. More likely than not, a guy who gets benefits early in a relationship, without having to put in work or prove himself, leaves and moves on to a committed relationship with a woman who puts him through some type of probationary period to find out more about him. I’m sure that if woman laid out the rules the requirements early on, and let her intended know that he could either rise up to those requirements, or just move on.

A directive like that signals to a man that you are not a plaything someone to be used and discarded. It tells him that what you have your benefits are special, and that you need time to get to know him and his ways to decide if he deserves them. The man who is willing to put in the time and meet the requirements is the one you want to stick around, because that guy is making a conscious decision that he, too, has no interest in playing games and will do what it takes to not only stay on the job, but also get promoted and be the proud beneficiary of your benefits. And you, in the meantime, win the ultimate prize of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem, and earning the respect of the man who recognized that you were worth the wait. Give it at least ninety days, and you can smoke all of that out
of him, so that you can be sure that this guy is the right man for you.
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 39
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:31:35 AM
Yes, loner, exactly. Hold on to your innocence, it is the key to love. I think we are all born with the seed of love inside us but when we start to experience pain in its various forms either from rejection, other's disappointment in us, abuse in all its various forms, racism, etc., our inner squirrels start digging holes to protect that seed from these pains. We dig many holes and finally find a place to hide that love seed. Unfortunately, just like the squirrel, we spend a lifetime digging looking for that seed, sometimes we dig more holes as we experience more pain or we add more dirt, sending our love seed deeper into hiding. Many are never able to dig it up but unlike trees, these seeds need to see the light of happiness to grow. They are buried, for many, under years of pain. "Growing up" does not help, it just makes things worse. The closer one is to their innocence, the more that seed will grow. Many people forget about their innocence. Lose touch with their inner cores. Why? Perhaps they felt some terrible and traumatic pain back then and do not want to explore it as adults. That's when being grown up can really help. To look at the pain of the past and realize it was not as bad as one remembers it, it happened when feelings were heightened due to youth. The memories will prove that they are still bad but they can't possibly hurt one anymore. You are lucky. You still know how to feel what it feels like, when you encounter a fresh situation for the first time like your posting. Hold on to that innocence. Let your love grow, do not bury it, do not run away from pain, face it, keep your love seed exposed to the light of happiness, let it grow, let it grow. Up.
 darkmascara
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 40
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:38:26 AM

Your 35..GROW UP.If someone is sick then they don,t want to be bugged.


you're 51 years old? I think you need to GROW UP.
 MiaIris
Joined: 4/30/2010
Msg: 41
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:50:53 AM

A directive like that signals to a man that you are not a plaything someone to be used and discarded. It tells him that what you have your benefits are special, and that you need time to get to know him and his ways to decide if he deserves them. The man who is willing to put in the time and meet the requirements is the one you want to stick around, because that guy is making a conscious decision that he, too, has no interest in playing games and will do what it takes to not only stay on the job, but also get promoted and be the proud beneficiary of your benefits. And you, in the meantime, win the ultimate prize of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem, and earning the respect of the man who recognized that you were worth the wait. Give it at least ninety days, and you can smoke all of that out of him, so that you can be sure that this guy is the right man for you.


Thanks for the sound advice. I always thought sexuality should correlate with the emotional connection you build with someone but with online situations that can be feigned or misconstrued. It's a more take charge approach than my past go with the flow approach.
 auntyemm
Joined: 12/22/2012
Msg: 42
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:53:47 AM
^^^^^^^^I have grown up^^^^^^.I am not the one getting angry becouse they haven,t text or called me back.
 darkmascara
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 43
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:28:12 AM

^^^^^^^^I have grown up^^^^^^.I am not the one getting angry becouse they haven,t text or called me back.


You don't understand women at all. Women want their love to be reciprocated in the same way they give it; they want their romantic lives to be as rewarding as they make them for their potential mates; they want the emotions that they turn on full blast to be met with the same intensity; and they expect premium they put on commitment to be equally adhered to, valued and respected.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 44
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:01:20 AM
I got the same thing from a woman I no longer date. Although I forgave I didn't forget & the minute I sensed her insecurities again she was history. May as well move on now. There's no undoing it & that side of you will always be in the back of his mind.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 45
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History
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:04:25 AM
There isn't a quick fix. You are looking for security, some one else can't give u that. If you really want to be happy you are going to have to get self help books or a shrink to help u get over your insecurities. In the mean time work at making your life what you want instead of chasing men who r better established. U can't depend on some one to provide you a stable life or to ''make you'' less insecure. In the mean time leave this guy be and if u do end u seeing him, don't sleep with him take time to figure out if you just want him for security, after just 2 weeks you don't really know him.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 46
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History
Misunderstanding & remedy
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:17:25 AM

When a man is really into u, he will not make u feel insecure, but he will make u feel safe. Men and women use the word insecurity as a weapon to form self doubt in otherwise normal people who have a keen sense and are intune with themselves


Really? I tend to agree more with this.


Wow, I just read the replies above me.....good lord, they only dated two weeks. The he gets sick, and if he had the flu or that stomach virus that's going around, either of those will knock you on your butt. The last thing you're going to do is worry about texting someone that you've only known for 2 weeks! And also....no one can "make" you feel insecure unless you let them. Especially after dating for only 2 weeks.


You are in your mid-thirties, people have lives, sometimes things happen in their lives and they don't feel like talking to anyone. If you don't have a life to live in the interim this is not anyone's problem but your own.

I'm talking with a guy I've reconnected with from high school. He is a long-haul truck driver. It should take us a hundred years to become reacquainted with phone calls getting interrupted and seeing each other when he comes through this way. I'm not going to sit around and worry about why I haven't heard from him if I don't for a few days because you shouldn't be talking to someone every single day when you first meet them anyone, that's fast forward to a relationship and skip the dating period. Whether anything is salvageable with this guy is up to him, but you should maybe try to take things a little more slowly the next time and you won't be imagining a relationship exists because you slept with him. From his perspective, your reaction to the silence was pretty selfish if he felt like hell.
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