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 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 24
Would you be upset if your SO did this?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I always try to put myself in the other persons scenario and the "what would I say or react?"....IF..
By the way he reacted...to me it seemed a bit too much..over reacting?? Why??
Something just isn't right.
See....If it was me....and my mate was jealous over nothing....I would probably tease him a little...not get angry.
I have learned to go with your gut...
Good Luck!
Oh....and I wouldn't take threats lightly either....I'd be gone or him...
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 25
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 3:32:45 PM
Karen,
In my experience when a couple is together, they will normally leave the past behind, that's usually mature people.

However, I don't care what age a person is, when the red flags come up, and your gut is making you feel insecure, there usually is a good reason for it! Whenever I had those kinds of fears in the past, in the end I was always right.

I know you want to give him the benefit of doubt, but when a guy is into you, they normally don't have a need to talk to ex's or any other woman.

I don't want to make you paranoid, but I would tell him, that you are looking for someone who wants to be with you,and has no other interest in hanging onto the past or playing attorney for other single women or talking to other women on the phone/text. He's a piece of work!

Get rid of him, it's better to hurt now, then find out a bunch of bad things down the road.

Tell him to call you when he's ready to only be with you, and watch his reaction, if he acts like fine and storms away, you got your answer sweetie, believe me, he likes playing head games and he likes keeping too many women in his life for him to offer any girl (you) a solid and honest commitment.

Do what you will, but I would run as fast as I could and I would find someone who only has eyes for me, but that's me, and I don't know how strong you are....

You need to get rid of the baggage, so that you don't have to worry about carrying it.

Take Care, good luck.
Jan
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 26
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:02:39 PM
op please tell us a bit more about this situation if you can.
as far as to what you already said..
I consider his over reaction to be a big red flag

leaving someone is difficult.....it hurts..
staying can hurt worse if it is not the right person..if it is a person who does not respect you.
He should not have a difficult time understanding how you are feeling about him calling her IF you are telling him how you feel.
If he still cant make changes and stop calling her.....I would have to go.
 KER6969
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 27
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:04:49 PM
Oh yes I'd be pissed off. These women can't call up a lawyer and ask for advice? He's being defensive because he knows he's cheating and disrespecting you and got caught. He's telling you to get it together? You aren't doing anything wrong HE IS! Oh he's as guilty as sin.

If it was me I'd dump his cheating behind! No way I'd tolerate his bs.
 Skotch
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 28
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:31:35 PM
Let me look at it in the most pro-this guy look.

He could just be giving advice. Maybe he gives good advice, even in a non threatening manner. After all, he's living with his girlfriend, he'd have to be married to be any more non threatening. Legal advice could just mean advice on how to proceed with a divorce. It doesn't have to do with this form or that letter, it could literally be advice about if the woman should feel bad about demanding to keep the toaster.

His reaction could be another story, however... He realizes how this looks. He sounds like he may do this a number of times. Maybe he's defensive and thinks of it as one of his traits. Nonnegotiable trait even. "I get along with new people really well and have had good luck on giving women a male perspective on their break ups." Sounds fishy, right? Well, yah, it does, but its not totally unrealistic. He probably does feel guilty for putting his SO through that uncertainty, but he could be debating this whole thing in his head every other minute and came to the conclusion that he's not doing anything wrong and its wrong for you to make assumptions. When you asked him if he was talking to her, all those debates he had in his head came up. It doesn't matter if you just asked him if he said hello to her when he walked by her on the street, to him it could have implied that you brought up all the accusations that he knows you could be thinking.

Now, with this best case scenario, what can we conclude? Well, he's got an issue or two. What a previous post said, if someone brought up your question to me, I'd tease them about being jealous then proceed to dish out a lot of affection to reassure my SO. That'd be a reasonable mature response. I'd also try to find a way to include you in this "legal advice relationship." Maybe ask you about your opinion on this other woman's problem.

So even if this situation is something blown out of proportion, his getting defensive immediately off an apparently innocent question means that he realizes what it could look like. His threatening to end your relationship because of the question makes me thing that he's either got some unresolved insecurities, he is cheating on you, or you've been nagging the f*ck out of him and he knew where the conversation was going to go. Seems you've already decided that no matter what the answer is, it wasn't worth the work it would have taken to get through it.
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 29
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:35:18 PM
Giving priority to someone you met a month or so ago over your girlfriends feelings.

Do I need to elaborate any more than this?
 Kiss_My_Soul
Joined: 5/23/2010
Msg: 30
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:17:05 PM
:) Karen, I am not bored at all and I totally agree with you: it is a red flag. In my opinion it's not ok to keep calling/texting your X(s), unless there are children involved.
If he really wants to help, why doesn't he volunteer at an orphanage, or ASPCA??:)
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 32
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 8:01:16 PM
If someone spoke to me that way, I'd have left already.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 33
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 8:11:02 PM

He said that she was so insecure that he had to hide a woman he hired because she didn't want him working with her.


*facepalm*

And it never occurred to him, even to this day, maybe his hiding things from her had something to do with her insecurity... I'll guess that explains countless things you noticed but wrote off at the time.

Ah, I'm sorry, Karen.
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 34
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 8:29:42 PM
Listen Missy...I don't really care about what that man is doing or with whom but I do care about why you felt the need to not do anything when he threatened to leave you.

Do you like walking on egg shells?

A man threatens to leave me, his bags are packed before he could finish his sentence. I don't care what the reason is...I don't do threats....I don't make them and I don't take them.

What you should be writing about is your low self esteem and why you are staying in a situation with a man who has no respect for his relationship with you.

wait did I just read he is leaving you and you are crying about it???

Sometimes there is just no way of making someone understand they are NOT a door mat. Doesn't matter if you are a guy or a girl...nobody deserves to be treated that way but on YOU can stand up for YOU.
 darkmascara
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 36
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 9:05:38 PM
He should know where his loyalty stand. In sense of loyalty, dogs are far better
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 37
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 9:12:15 PM
Wait, I'm confused. You didn't tell him to leave, but he is leaving? Did you two break up over this?
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 38
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 10:45:09 PM
They say Doctors are the worst patience....does the same go for teachers, are you horrible students? I ask because you are teaching yourself to believe a load of falsehoods..and while you are at it, ad some bull malarkey there too. Go back and read your original post. Don't try and smooth over this situation.

You either fear being alone and take the kind of crap this type of human puts out so your bed is warmed at night or

embrace the single, beautiful and uncomplicated you.

Your choice OP
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 39
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 10:52:46 PM
He at one time had to HIDE a woman he hired while he was married to his ex wife because she (the wife) did not want that other woman working for him because she (the wife) was jealous?

so instead of putting his marriage first and understanding her jealous nature,..which he must have seen before,....he HIDES his employee.

and this is normal. wow.

this is a bad situation that you are in.
it seems to me that the both of you must sit down and learn to openly communicate about everything if you plan on making your relationship work.
he needs to HEAR how you FEEL when he does the things that upset you .
then..is he going to respect and care about how you feel enough to stop...
or enough to include you?
or will what he tells you truthfully what he is doing...will that be enough to stop your fears?
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 40
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/5/2013 12:28:33 AM
I am a guy with more female friends than male. My entire life it's been easier for me to befriend girls/women than with other boys/men. I can sometimes get overly defensive when those friendships are called into question. My ex-wife thought I was nailing any and every woman I said hello to. That was a bad mix. What is his history as far as friendships with women? That makes a big difference. If he has a lot of female friends with whom he has neither been romantic nor sexual with, what makes this one different?
As others have said the way he spoke to you and threatened to leave you may be a problem. Sometimes people over react, but if the disrespectful tone becomes a pattern there may be a problem.
To answer the question asked in the post title. No, I wouldn't be upset. I don't base my friendships on things like age or gender, so I wouldn't set those limits on another. I'm not a jealous person by nature. If that trust were to be betrayed I would leave.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 41
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/5/2013 3:53:03 PM
Karen, I know you love him, and there has been times when I too had to choose between a crazy man or my sanity, so I have as with many women have walked away from love for the sanity. If he loved you he wouldn't want to stress you out. He wants to have what he wants regardless of his wife’s feelings or yours.

Now this friendship stuff is a hard one, because I have a few male friends that I’ve known for a long time, and some are even childhood friends, but you see I’m friends with their SO too.

If I had a male friend and I was in a relationship and I was keeping my so called friends a secret or throwing them in my SO’s face, almost choosing them over my SO, then that is for sure the biggest red flag anybody can see!

Some people are just different breeds of people. You can’t make someone love you and give you emotionally, physically and spiritually what you need to be a well rounded human being.

You could give into his wishes, but you can’t.

He’s just not the man for you.

Now this lonely I love him I can’t part ways is only insecurity on your part?

I’m sure you know many women are emotionally abused by men, and it’s so subtle that many women stay in relationship because they don’t have the strength to walk away from love. Men too stay in unhappy relationships because they just can’t get up and leave their lives as it is….

So, the best advice I can give you thinking that you two have no children is to get out, and stay away from him.

I honestly don’t think he ever grew from the loss of his marriage. He just keeps running and running, and he’ll run to another and eventually he will find another who will put up with him. There are many desperate women in the world.

Unless you can accept the deal with him and his female friends that you don’t know then there is no other way.

I bet if you ask him that you want to meet these women, you will see another rage come from him, because he’s not being honest with you. People who are honest do not act in hostile ways… that is another hugh flag right there!

Now buck up little soldier, and someday you will meet someone who doesn’t want ex’s in his life, or call up other women or offer advice to other women unless you know who these women are….

I’m sorry that you have to deal with the pain, but I believe you are making the right decision.

I sincerely hope I am wrong, but I don’t think so…. I’ve meet too many guys like the one you are with and in the end I was right, and I too like most women have been emotionally abuse from men. It’s just not worth the pain.

The weird thing is and many women here will tell the same thing, they all come back around. Someday, he’ll show up again, the bad pennies always do.

It’s ok to cry, you didn't deserve this crazy man.
Hugs, and the best to you!
Jan
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 42
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/5/2013 3:59:16 PM
You let him cheat...he gets calls and texts from exes? and this other woman calling him?
You said he is a lawyer not a couple counselor? They are both playing you for a fool, open up your eyes
 NOCLOWNING
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 43
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:12:49 PM
He works with this womans good friend. Just met a month ago.
Why does she want his advice? Why not just talk to her friend?
What does your bf, have to do with any of this? Doesnt make sense.
He is spending time with this womans break-up, and causing his own.

Telling me to get it together, or he would leave. Thats when I would of said,"GOOD-BYE."
If he was hiding things from his ex-wife, He will be hiding them from you too.
I wish you the very best. We all know how much it hurts.
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 44
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:30:04 PM
I have exes but I don't talk to them anymore. And if the guy I'm dating has a habit of talking to his ex gf's via phone calls and text messages well that's a big no no for me. Simply because they had a history together and feelings could surface again from someone. And I would hate for it to be the guy I happen to date.

If and when I'm dating someone, he better not be having his ex's as friends. Cuz I don't.

I hate ppl meddling into my relationships. My ex bf's ex wife meddled into our relationship and the very next day of him having a huge fight with her, he broke it off with me. So yeah, I hate ex's.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 47
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:46:19 PM

His priority isn't with me where it should be. ... I won't have a problem after Friday since he's moving out. ... I'm not crying tonight. I'm at peace.

Well done. This had to be hard. Thanks for letting us know.

BIG old hug.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 48
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:57:12 PM
1) is this the first time he's passed blame for something off of him onto anyone else? you may not have noticed it so much when he passed it onto someone other than you.
2)is this the first time he hasn't worried about how his actions look, so long as they give him what he needs? again, it may not have been so obvious when it was done to others, and rationalized away...like your friend letting her ex sleep over.
3)actually, its not his job to make you feel secure. that is your job, sorry.good news is, since its your job, you get to control the results.
4)what does he get by helping this woman? I mean, does he get to learn anything he planned to put to use in the future?
5)you did the right thing, which is why you are at peace. good luck, hope you learn the lessons.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 49
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/5/2013 9:03:58 PM
we are told in the Bible,...if this makes a difference I dont know...but it IS a good point....

that even if we are doing no wrong,
To Avoid the Apearance of Evil (or wrongdoing)
so, it Does matter what others think of us.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 50
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/5/2013 9:26:19 PM
strangedreams nailed it.

Yes of course I would be pissed if my SO did that.
 NOCLOWNING
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 51
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:05:10 PM
Let him tell people, what he wants.
I wish you the very best!! Hope you find happiness!!!
 All2rosie
Joined: 2/3/2013
Msg: 52
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/21/2013 10:38:18 AM
A woman knows when another woman crosses the line of acceptable and appropriate behavior.
It is not always a jealousy or insecurity issue.

I would never put my SO in a place where he would feel emotionally ill at ease. If the circumstances are unavoidable - he is in the know. Why? Because perception is a 'B' and is the root cause of many an unhappiness thoughts, arguments and misunderstandings.

It will be interesting going forward to see what information comes to light....

Good luck to you.
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