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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
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 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 226
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 10 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
It's not fear or insecurity. It's selection, and possibly rejection.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 227
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 6:18:42 AM

It's not fear or insecurity. It's selection, and possibly rejection.


That makes it worse because if they are forking over money to see which guy they are willing to meet that says it all doesn't it? The only true information that is "public" are criminal records, and property ownership where you can obtain without paywalls. All other public information is hidden behind paywalls.

Is there ways to obtain such information free? Yes, but it takes a lot of time and work, so if they are willing to spend that much time and money before even a first meeting that points to the person's mentality. I can't be with a woman that sees the glass half empty with such a mentality as I am a glass is half full type of a guy.
 MuscularVampire
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 228
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 6:32:01 AM
Anyone can write a novel? Really? Ok, sit down and write a 250-300 page novel with a completely original story. Go for it, tell me how easy you think it is. Sure, many people write stupid books about their life, or their families recipes, I'm talking a fiction novel.

A girls height means nothing. Do you know how many over 6 ft guys i know, yet are a buck 75. Big deal. Tall and skinny doesn't impress me.

Varsity athlete, so she can run track and field or something stupid, lol Remember one thing, theres a reason why women never compete against men, in any combat sport. No matter how tough she is, she is still a girl.
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 229
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 6:41:58 AM

Anyone can write a novel? Really? Ok, sit down and write a 250-300 page novel with a completely original story. Go for it, tell me how easy you think it is. Sure, many people write stupid books about their life, or their families recipes, I'm talking a fiction novel.
Lots of fiction novels out there and most of them do not make MONEY, why? because the book is shit.


Varsity athlete, so she can run track and field or something stupid, lol Remember one thing, theres a reason why women never compete against men, in any combat sport. No matter how tough she is, she is still a girl.
says who, you? So according to you no woman on this earth has no chance of beating your ass, is that what youre saying?
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 230
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 7:25:31 AM

(Arlo) Besides, it's a sneaky, weasely, backhanded thing to do. No one who's in favour of it has dared to address the violation of privacy aspect.


(hamilton12345) Not sure how accessing legally accessible public information on someone is a violation of privacy.


There's a significant difference between "legal", and "ethical". Some people don't get it, and apparently never will...




Testosterone poisoning has now overcome this thread. Wow, totally un-flipping-believable.
It is so cool when a man brags of beating-up a woman in a thread specifically about relationship security.


(hamilton12345) And now you know why some might think that background checks are a good thing.


I knew we'd get here eventually: the argument behind running surreptitious background checks is "because they probably deserve it anyway." You shoulda saved yourself the trouble of trying to spin it as something noble, and just said it right from the outset. You'd have murdered WAAAY fewer electrons...
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 231
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 7:32:49 AM
(PittsburghVixen) I'll address it for you, Arlo. Public information, especially if put out there by the person whom one is Googling, is not an invasion of privacy.


What about personal information put out there by a third party? Never heard of "dontdatehim.com", or other libelous sites like that, where you can post smack about a person simply because you got pissed at him?

You're making my point for me: we're not talking about a thorough, semi-legal background check, but a snoopy person with too much time on his/her hands, Googling a name and running with whatever their lazy so-called "search" uncovers.


If I meet a guy and we hit it off, and we express a mutual desire to see each other again, at the end of the first actual date I will often request that we exchange business cards and encourage him to look me up, so that he can see that I'm being honest about whatever he's found out so far from me


I hate repeating myself, but it seems I have no choice: VOLUNTEERING personal information, or access to it, is SIGNIFICANTLY different than having someone go behind your back and Google you.

And, the comparison to job-seeking is specious and stupid: first of all, employers are legally required to inform you BEFOREHAND, that they will run a background check on you; second of all, an employer/employee relationship is different than a romantic one. If you can't see the difference, you shouldn't be dating.


Although this doesn't guarantee that either of us are not psychos, I've found that people who are truthful and trustworthy in some things tend to be more truthful and trustworthy in everything.


"Truthful and trustworthy" to me includes not going behind my back and snooping into my past without my knowledge.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 232
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 7:36:35 AM

(Bellablue33) He was charged with physically assaulting his girlfriend and It was bad enough to lose a State job over it.


You do realize that there is a significant difference between being "charged" with a crime, and being "convicted" of a crime, don't you?


I wouldn't care if someone ran one on me .


YOUR preferences are not MY preferences.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 233
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 7:37:04 AM
I don't care if a woman wants to do a quick google search before a first meet. But I have a cousin that has the same first and last name as me, so whatever they google will mislead them and confuse them as he lives in another state and is older than me haha.

So whether it is a background check or google it doesn't make a difference. Meet the person in a public place during daytime and use your brain. It is as simple as that.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 234
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 7:47:19 AM
There are a lot of reasons to NOT provide enough information for someone to do a background check:
1. If a person wants your personal info and you've never met the person, it could be a Nigerian scammer or some similar schemer.
2. Even if you have an initial meet with a person from a dating site, he/she could be a con artist looking for personal info for personal gain by using your name and ID to buy things on credit, and they may or may not not have a criminal record.
3. If a person has a criminal record, they might give you a false name, even if it's changing one letter in the spelling of the last name in order to pass your test. You will eventually find out, but it the mean time, you will have invested time with that person.
4. Women are always professing they need to have instant chemistry within seconds of meeting someone and that will decide if they want a relationship with that guy. Instant chemistry goes out the window if women have to do an intense search for any red flags before being involved or meeting with any guy.
5. Like stated here before, having no criminal record is no guarantee against future abuse.
6. Doing a background check does not tell you if the person has Aids or any other STD's. Are you also going to demand that the person gets tested for STD's and give you the test results? Most people don't walk around carrying their medical records, so a person can say they got tested recently and are free of any STD's, but you have no of knowing if that's the truth.

Most people aren't going to bother with a person who demands all of this nonsense of checks and tests. I will use the old fashion method of meeting in person, using common sense and intuition and taking time to know someone. The biggest problem is people are looking for instant love immediately and don't have a microsecond to waste, so they want to bypass the part of multiple dates to get to know someone and want to get to the altar as fast as possible. So they figure if a guy/gal passes a criminal check, that's good enough and proceed with happily ever after in the castle in the sky.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 235
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 8:07:40 AM

(maleman999) Most people aren't going to bother with a person who demands all of this nonsense of checks and tests.


If it's no big deal, as proponents keep insisting, I don't know why they don't disclose it upfront, ie "I will snoop into your personal info without your knowledge or consent!" Is it because, deep down, they KNOW it's the wrong thing to do, but are just too mule-headed STUBBORN to admit it? Is it because they know that any guy worth having, will avoid them like the plague?
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 236
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 8:10:27 AM

When she told me that... I was upset.

^^^^^^^^
So if your mom/sister met a man online or at the Kangaroo you wouldn't want to check him out?

if a woman wants to know everything about me, she can just ask.

^^^^^^^^^^^^
Half will lie, the other half have nothing to hide and would be wise to check out the woman too.

she's showing her insecurity big time.

^^^^^^^^^^^^
She looking out for herself and is smart.
There isn't a whole lot you can find doing a background check anyway.

Marital status IF you know what state and county to look in
Criminal background
Tax liens
Property value
Past due child support IF you know where to look
Job
DUI'S


had a date do that to me about 20 years ago and it ticked me off too. I was offering good faith and expected it in return.


This isn't 20 years ago.
If you were not raised in the same town or know the same people, their family ect you have no clue WHO/WHAT someone is.
You can only check certain things with a background check anyway.

Half the time you don't know the TRUE person until you marry them or are heavily involved and then I have seen many men and women get a big surprise 5- 25 years later.

Grow up.
You cannot take anyone male or female at face value and 20 years ago it wasn't a whole lot better.


Of course, a guy like that won't admit his wrongdoings to such a woman. However... think about the innocent new guy in the picture.

What if I had been abused by a woman in my past. And I conducted a background check on you, because of what the woman before you did to me? It would probably make you feel like a criminal right?

^^^^^^^^^
No..unless I had something to hide.


Before getting yourself involved more than casually dating a few times..check them out.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 237
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 8:14:36 AM
So you guys who find this offensive or immoral behavior, ask your dates if they are going to, or have, run a background search on you. If she says, yes, stop dating her. If you don't trust her, stop dating her. If you get a sneaky, deceptive, mule-headed and stubborn vibe from her, stop dating her. Date other people instead. Really, what do you care?

I agree with maleman- if you don't like her asking you for info that could facilitate a background check, just say NO and stop dating her. If you want to decide she's bad, go ahead. The relationship's over anyway.

That is what happened with OP. He found out her mom had checked him out. His objection purportedly is not that she did it but that she did it without asking his permission first. He “got pissed” at the woman, that he’d been dating for only two months. She ended it because he “got pissed.” We don’t know how he acted when he “got pissed” but his reaction was sufficient for her to break up and cut him off. So he’s not with the woman he deems immoral and she's not with the man who got pissed. Seems like everything turned out fine. They weren't a good match!

If you have the same concern, that someone you’re dating checked you out, ask him or her about it, and break it off if you think they’ve been out of line- paranoid, insecure, sneaky or stupid.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 238
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 8:20:16 AM

(peppermint_petunias) Before getting yourself involved more than casually dating a few times..check them out.


Or, here's a novel idea: USE your ability to analyze a situation, and be brave enough to act with integrity. If the person you're with feels like not the right person, have the courage to end things, and stop trying to beat them into compliance.

(I sense a lot of control-freak, "My way or the highway!" people here...)
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 239
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 8:55:08 AM
It looks like the majority of people here are divorced-especially the over 30 crowd. A question for the divorced or coomon-law gone wrong people: I'm assuming most of you never did a background check on your ex before or while you two were dating. If you did a background check on him/her before getting serious, would it have changed your situation with that person and prevented a divorce?
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 240
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 10:45:01 AM
It looks like the majority of people here are divorced-especially the over 30 crowd. A question for the divorced or coomon-law gone wrong people: I'm assuming most of you never did a background check on your ex before or while you two were dating. If you did a background check on him/her before getting serious, would it have changed your situation with that person and prevented a divorce


Yes, a background check and actually a full investigation was done before we were married.... however, a 20 year old from the average middle class family 20 years ago didn't really have a whole lot of "red flags" in his past, he hadn't had enough time or life experience to raise them. His family, on the other hand, raised quite a few... that I chose to ignore for various reasons.

People change over time... especially when they first marry relatively young. Sometimes you grow together, sometimes apart. No, I didn't make the best choice, but, I knew what I was getting into when I went into it... at least until he changed the game completely, something that NO ONE could have pulled from his background... even his close friends and family were/are shocked at some of the things he has done.

So, my conclusion is that for someone in their early years, yes, it can be helpful, but not necessarily predict behavior mostly because the person hasn't finished learning and growing and often doesn't know themselves yet. Later life experience has shown me that someone in the 40+ age range that an investigation is much more likely to be relevant to the future.

That said, although I DO do investigations, I don't do them randomly or rely on an internet source for them. And I almost never do one before meeting someone for the first time (once, it was a special case).
 MuscularVampire
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 241
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 11:52:42 AM
RJhistory girl. how can you do a search on someone, if they don't tell you their name or real name?
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 242
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 12:36:50 PM

RJhistory girl. how can you do a search on someone, if they don't tell you their name or real name?
well duh, its works when someone gives you there name which is what most people do , Ive only ran into one woman before the woman Im seeing now who wouldn't reveal her surname or anything, just a first name and I found that kind of odd and a bit suspicious and I decided not to pursue and thank God I didn't or I wouldn't have met this one.

I get the safety factor but Im still shaking my head at the paranoia, makes you wonder why some folks are single?
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 243
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 12:40:26 PM

These women you mention would take one look at me, and run for their lives.

Probably more true than you know, for more reasons than you suspect.


(I sense a lot of control-freak, "My way or the highway!" people here...)

Pot...meet kettle.


If the person you're with feels like not the right person, have the courage to end things, and stop trying to beat them into compliance.

The point IS to end things if the person turns out to be lying. How the heck is the checker "beat[ing] them into compliance"? Compliance with what - with not being a lying sack of shyt?

SMH
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 244
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 1:32:12 PM

RJhistory girl. how can you do a search on someone, if they don't tell you their name or real name?


Well, Da** it really isn't that difficult.

*shrug*
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 245
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 1:38:17 PM
So you are saying checking some one's criminal record is unethical?
What i meant in a previous post about women not being a danger, i meant and should have included on a first date. What is she going to do be annoying? Maybe cause a scene? Chances are she isn't going to get violent unless you were to pull something crazy, refere to the post ''scum of the earth''
If you have listened to women who have been raped or beaten you will hear them say how charming, sweet, shy, what a gentleman they were. How they had no clue.
Most people dont want to believe this and most people have not talked to people who have been through this. It isn't something they generaly want to talk about with every one.
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 246
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 3:02:42 PM
I think checking someone criminal record before you meet is paranoid at its very worst, if things are progressing towards a exclusive relationship and if after spending time with your partner and things are not adding up then yes its a wise thing to do some checking to see if you want to continue and like I said if you also have kids and things are progressing and this is before the guy meet the kids, sure get it checked its a wise idea.

Ive known 3 women that has been raped, two are in successful relationship and the other one is going through therapy and she is on her way to recovery, although none of them were raped my men from dating sites, it was someone they knew, they still went through the motions, the denial, the anger, the mistrust until they received proper help.

And in answer to you last part about them being sweet in the beginning, sure it happens psychopaths can do that, but there tell tale signs that sometimes one chooses to ignore.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 247
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 4:47:23 PM
Well stragedreams, why don't you enlighten us by listing these tell tale signs.

Do you treat the women you know like it was their fault and the are foolish? Do they know how you really feel?

Did any of them do a criminal check before hand?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 248
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 6:21:55 PM
I think what would be more useful than a background check is a psychological check. After reading through the numerous threads on various topics, it's clear there are a lot of people here who have excess baggage and hang-ups that's clouding their judgement and reasoning ability.
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 249
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 7:23:49 PM
MuscularVampire... I never said I do a check before hand, that I have only done once... because the person it was on asked me to for reasons of their own- and volunteered the information I needed and more.

I do investigations at a certain point in certain types of relationships. This includes more that just potential "romantic relationships".

I also do NOT leave it to internet sources. I hire professionals who know where and how to find whatever it is that I want to know. It's costs a bit more, but gives much more information. No real name? No big deal... as I said before... whatever was in the offing becomes a no go. As far a a no name hit goes... the investigator will let me know and ask if I wish to pursue further investigation. Although, I should say... my picker is better than that... for both personal and business... I've never had that happen and I've never been surprised by the investigator's report.
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 250
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/14/2013 7:45:50 PM
Why do you keep putting words in my mouth Kysayer, I dont treat women like it was their fault, its a case by case thing, people need to take responsibility for their actions , all I said was some people ignore red flags, some people would rather put up with shit because of fears of being alone, some people try to change people and so on and so on.

Doing a background check before you meet someone because you think you're going to be safe is silly in my opinion, that was all Ive ever said.

Sure there are some psycho paths out there but do you think a background check will expose some of these people?
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