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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
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 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 301
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 13 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
False sense of security? No one is dumb enough to think because he doesn't have a record it is time to pack up the kid and head to his house for dinner on a first date.
I really am suprised that people even care if some one does a criminal record check. Criminals are not going to tell you they are and can be charming and smart you can not pick them out having a couple of phone conversations. The ones who have gotten caught probably just got smarter.
Funny thing is i see on threads all the time ''if she doesn't want to meet right away she just wants a chat buddy'' well make up your minds!!
If a women has pepper spray or has taken self defence she is still not %100 safe either. Would you tell her not to bother with those either because they might give her a false sense of security?
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 302
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/18/2013 5:55:56 PM

I really am suprised that people even care if some one does a criminal record check. Criminals are not going to tell you they are and can be charming and smart you can not pick them out having a couple of phone conversations. The ones who have gotten caught probably just got smarter.
Funny thing is i see on threads all the time ''if she doesn't want to meet right away she just wants a chat buddy'' well make up your minds!!
If a women has pepper spray or has taken self defence she is still not %100 safe either. Would you tell her not to bother with those either because they might give her a false sense of security?
Hold on there Ksayer, you're still missing my point I dont have a problem with someone checking background when the time is right, doing it before you meet someone for a first date is like the group " the Kinks" sang about " Paranoia the destroyerrrrrr" .

I would never tell a woman not to carry pepper spray or take self defense, as a matter a fact I encourage it or pack a piece if your state allows it, I'm all for defending one self my original point is use common sense when out on a date, if you're paranoid about him doing something dont go try and forget how good looking he is and use common sense, its like men that goes after the hot women and they complain she turned into a headcase and whack job, NOOOO she was always that way the guy just chose to ignore it because he saw her looks.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 303
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/18/2013 6:19:42 PM
Why are people continuing to confuse a criminal background check with a simple Google/white pages search to see if the information offered by a person is congruent with the public information that may be online?

If someone claims that he's the CEO of X Corporation, I'm gonna go look him up on LinkedIn and see if he's BSing me. I don't know him well enough yet to tell if he's trustworthy, so if I find out that he's really the 3rd assistant pencil pusher, I'm not too likely to buy anything else he tells me.

I just fail to see how that type of simple fact-checking is overreacting and paranoid. I'd rather find out early on that a guy is an embellisher of the truth, rather than after I've invested some time in a relationship.

Obviously this doesn't mean that the person is always going to lie, or always tell the truth in other areas - but at least it lets me know who's on the level about the basics.

I've not had to do any "background checks"" by weeding out the liars early on.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 304
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/18/2013 7:13:00 PM

If a women has pepper spray or has taken self defence she is still not %100 safe either. Would you tell her not to bother with those either because they might give her a false sense of security?


She may not be 100% safe, but she is generally much safer than if she doesn't have pepper spray with her, and hasn't taken a self-defense class. As I said previously, those are smart choices because then she is prepared all the time for situations that may arise (not just on dates), they don't involve anyone else unless necessary (to protect herself), and they don't invade anyone's privacy.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 305
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 5:53:08 AM
Do you think a rapist has a 3 date rule?
The best time to do a check is before you are physicaly in their presence. They can't rape you over the phone.
I think i would be really disturbed to even find out i had been in the company of a monster. I would rather know a head of time.
A criminal background check is really the only chance, and it is just a chance, of knowing a head of time.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 306
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 6:31:19 AM
^^^Go the safest route: Avoid dating all together. That way, you won't have to live in fear your whole life.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 307
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 6:57:52 AM
Malemann
I am not afraid, just smart enough to use my head and what is availible to give my self the best chance of not ending up in a situation that 680,000 women find them selves in every year. And yes you are reading that number right!! Those of us who know the stats. Instead of chosing to believe that rapes are few and far between and it can't happen to me, do what we can to protect ourselves.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 308
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 7:09:43 AM
False sense of security? No one is dumb enough to think because he doesn't have a record it is time to pack up the kid and head to his house for dinner on a first date.


That's why the a background check before the first date / meeting is going overboard. The first date / meeting is often a simple activity at a public place. Some common sense safety tips can help. Such as using your own transportation, not leaving your drink unattended etc. Also I usually don't know a woman's last name ( or vice versa ) prior to a first date. Therefore any type of background check / google search couldn't be done. Why should I be expected to give my last name before a first date when many women would be hesistant to give me theirs?
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 309
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 7:18:47 AM
All the other saftey procautions are nessessary too! I love that men keep mentioning them so i don't have to.
I have never gone on a first date before knowing his name. If you are afraid to tell some one your name i think that is a little paraniod. If some one really wants to stalk you they will hide follow you, find out everything they want to know. You can't stop it. My house has a good security system, it is called 357 ;)
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 310
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 7:22:14 AM

(ksayer1) I think i would be really disturbed to even find out i had been in the company of a monster.


What would obligate you to *CONTINUE* to be in his presence?

Am I the only one who notices the sub-text that some women here seem to think that, once they see a guy, they're hopelessly obligated to keep on seeing him? They're unable to make the mature decision to end it once they've seen the guy?
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 311
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:16:43 AM
Arlo
What?? What are you talking about? The idea is to maybe save your self ever even having to meet some one like that.
I dont think i have ever met a woman who thinks if she goes on a date she has to keep seeing him. As a matter of fact there are a lot of guys on here whining about ''serial daters'' and are all ticked that they dont get a second date.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 312
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:18:49 AM


(ksayer1) I think i would be really disturbed to even find out i had been in the company of a monster.

What would obligate you to *CONTINUE* to be in his presence?

Nothing. She said "had been," not "would be."
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 313
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:36:31 AM
ksayer1: If you had a date with Justin Bieber, would you conduct a police background check on him first?
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 314
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:48:01 AM

If you had a date with Justin Bieber...

Are you accusing ksayer of pedophilia?!? I don't care how old he is, that child is clearly prepubescent! Shame on you.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 315
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:20:25 AM

Are you accusing ksayer of pedophilia?!? I don't care how old he is, that child is clearly prepubescent!


We better do a background check on her to make sure she isn't. She might be a cougar though.
 Bohica4u
Joined: 2/11/2013
Msg: 316
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:29:30 AM
how do you do a background check on someone? I have never even thought of doing that before i read this thread?
 newstart1949
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 317
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:31:17 AM
There are all sorts of sites out there...Its actually not that expensive for the membership either(No I dont Belong).
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 318
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:43:02 AM
If I am so unsure about meeting a man who might RAPE me, why would I bother with a background check to find out if he’s been convicted of rape? Then what am I left with? A false sense of security. What’s the point? I still have to rely on my own common sense to determine if he’s right for me….let alone a convicted criminal/rapist/whatever. That is just insane to me.

Why would a woman even CONSIDER meeting a man she suspects could possibly rape her??

Divorce proceedings are publicly accessible in NYS. If I found out some dweeb invaded my privacy to look that up to find out if I’d kill him at a coffee meet, I’d be livid. Like someone pointed out before, there’s legal and there’s ethical. Strangers have no business messing with mine.
 newstart1949
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 319
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 10:03:09 AM
Actually I dont think any of us are talking about background cks prior to the first meet-up, or even the first date..
Yet if there are l red flags then it might be time to do some serious questioning of the other person.
If the answers back dont totally add up, or you want to proceed even if there are still red flags then some internet checking might be in order.
Anyone you are dating that objects, especially someone that has indicated they have intentions for it to go on for a while then something is wrong.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 320
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 10:03:39 AM

(ksayer1) Arlo
What?? What are you talking about? The idea is to maybe save your self ever even having to meet some one like that.


*shrug* You're looking for the Magic Bullet that will GUARANTEE that you have a 100% safe and pleasurable dating experience, all the time. There's no such thing. If you're so suspicious that you need to do a background check (ESPECIALLY without his knowledge), then you shouldn't be dating. What's so hyard to grasp about that?

Surreptitious background searches are of questionable ethical standing (to some; to me, there's no question about the weasely nature of anyone wh0 would do such a thing).
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 321
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 10:07:25 AM


(ksayer1) I think i would be really disturbed to even find out i had been in the company of a monster.


What would obligate you to *CONTINUE* to be in his presence?


(HelenBackAgain) Nothing. She said "had been," not "would be."


Most normal people, having been in the presence of a "monster", would write it off as a Close Call, not grounds for unethical behaviour that involved intrusion into the rights of others...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 322
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 10:13:50 AM

Msg 348: Actually I dont think any of us are talking about background cks prior to the first meet-up, or even the first date.. Yet if there are l red flags then it might be time to do some serious questioning of the other person.


If there are red flags, why would you proceed any further? When I see red flags, that's the end of it. It's time to click Next.
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 323
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 10:38:11 AM

Actually I dont think any of us are talking about background cks prior to the first meet-up, or even the first date..
Yet if there are l red flags then it might be time to do some serious questioning of the other person.
If the answers back dont totally add up, or you want to proceed even if there are still red flags then some internet checking might be in order.
Anyone you are dating that objects, especially someone that has indicated they have intentions for it to go on for a while then something is wrong.
Well hate to burst your bubble lady but there are a few women on here that wants to do a background check prior to meeting for a first meeting/date. This is why I say some of you fine folks dont use the common sense the Good Lord gave you, I mean if you're talking to a guy prior to meeting and something dont seem right why would you go through the motions to meet him?
If you're meeting in a public place you still take precautions and never leave your drink or food unattended , seems like common sense to me.

If I am so unsure about meeting a man who might RAPE me, why would I bother with a background check to find out if he’s been convicted of rape? Then what am I left with? A false sense of security. What’s the point? I still have to rely on my own common sense to determine if he’s right for me….let alone a convicted criminal/rapist/whatever. That is just insane to me.
sounds like common sense to me here.


Why would a woman even CONSIDER meeting a man she suspects could possibly rape her??
I like to know the answer to that one from the pro background checker folks
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 324
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 11:28:52 AM
What i want to know is why so many of you think rapists are easy to spot?
You assume these men have no social skills?
If they are so easy to spot, tell me what to look for!!!
How can you tell before the first date?
They are not boogy men. They are usually charming and social.
You would like to believe you can pick'em, i am sure a lot of rape victims did too.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 325
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 12:09:19 PM
What you don’t seem to be grasping is that a background check isn’t going to tell you anything about a man’s character, or what he is or isn’t capable of….only what he’s been caught and convicted of.

So you get a clean record of some guy who made you think you had to check to see if he’s been convicted of rape, and he hasn’t been. That means he’s okay to meet? If you even consider that he MIGHT rape you, or be capable of raping you, WHY in the world would you even want to meet him?

I would agree to meet a man who has made me feel comfortable and compatible enough to WANT to meet him, in public, and I would rely on my own good sense to proceed or not. I would NOT agree to meet any man I suspected of being capable of rape.

My mind is truly boggled by your comments. We’re talking about meeting a man to consider dating! Learn to trust yourself to keep yourself safe, use common sense and put the brakes on anyone who makes you uncomfortable in any way.

I don’t often do this but I agree with Maleman999:


If there are red flags, why would you proceed any further? When I see red flags, that's the end of it. It's time to click Next.
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