Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 MuscularVampire
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 326
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 14 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
First of all, If a person is a sex offender, no court on earth is going to allow him to have any sort of custody of his children. So, If a man has some sort of custody of his child, that is a good indication right there, that he is not a sex offender.
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 327
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 2:18:04 PM
Ksayer according the FBI source, they say 80% of rape is committed by men they know .
lots of these guys dont have the greatest social skills and the ones who are sociopaths well its a game of chance, there is always risk but if your spidey senses are tickling that's usually a good sign to run or avoid meeting the dude in the first place.

If someone sounds too good to be true , good chances they are, my best friends sister is on here and she is stunning , she corresponded with a good looking man was supposedly a model of some type his pics are professionally done, this guy is a charmer but her spidey senses went off and thought something is not sitting well with this guy, turns out he stole the pics but he wanted her email addy and what not and she just said thanks but no thanks and blocked him, I wonder how many other women would have given this " guy " their email address and info?
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 328
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 2:52:10 PM
As I stated earlier, I have never done a background check and have never felt the need to. That being said, I understand why the OPs girlfriend's mother did one. It is not so much about finding out the information, it was more of a peace of mind situation. We also don't know the whole story, perhaps the man who abused them had a documented history of abuse that a background check would have revealed and so moving forward they decided to do background checks.

Again walk a mile in someone's shoes before you condemn their actions. The OP on the other hand, certainly overreacted to the situation.
 MurrayClan
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 329
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 7:56:58 PM
Every woman who has had a bad experience with a man has "trusted" him first. I am probably older than most of you but I value a woman being able to feel secure with me; especially on the first date. Check all you want before or after. I would rather not know either way.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 330
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:18:14 PM
Nothing wrong with it as far as I'm concerned. Not specific to men or women either, really. It may simply be that men feel safer, physically speaking. To be honest I think 15 pages of this is a bit much. Internet "meeting", background check comes with the territory. Just another sign of the times.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 331
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:25:33 PM
Would i do a background check on a new friend?
No. But think about where you meet your friends. Online? No.
You meet them at work so chances are your job has already checked for you. You meet them through other friends so some one you trust already knows them. They live next door so you have to see them. I have googled the registered sex offenders in my neighborhood before and was glad i had. Turns out i had talked to one a couple of times and would have had no idea he was. Convicted rapists should just have it tattoed across their face. It would save me 5min lol!!
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 332
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 10:51:05 PM
yes...back ground checks are ridiculous and not needed.....so says the guy that just raped a woman off of Christian Mingle.

There are enough real life examples of women being raped, killed (men too) and taken advantage of financially that doing a back ground check is warranted.

But...better not. Let's let the guy be anonymous to keep from hurting his feelings or pissing him off. After all if we don't trust a stranger...who can we trust?






Ksayer according the FBI source, they say 80% of rape is committed by men they know


That leaves 20% to men you don't know.....I don't like the odds.




If there are red flags, why would you proceed any further? When I see red flags, that's the end of it. It's time to click Next.


Yep...that is about right.

If you had any idea how many men try and mess with my head...it is ridiculous.,,it really is. I am in from the first breath I take when I see him. Everybody comes to me with a clean slate. But little by little I see myself backing away until...I am gone. Here on the net that happens more often before we even meet. It is exhausting.
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 333
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/19/2013 11:48:21 PM
Oh, geez... this is NOT hard.

Message here on POF until your common sense or intuition or best friend or whatever has enough to make a basic judgement call. Yes, that means: bad vibes=NO meet.

Meet in public taking whatever precautions you feel are appropriate (yeah, yeah, I know, some of you think I'm an extremest... but I've carried every day of my life for more years than I want to count to every place I've gone excepting courthouses, banks, hospitals and post offices- not going to change ever probably... and I've had a handgun in reach at home for longer... residual effect of an interesting life).

If the other person is deemed suitable, date them casually while getting to know them.

If/when you feel you know them well enough and they are compatible enough, commit to exclusivity. I assume that if it hasn't already happened, at this point there will be sex between the two of you. :)

At some time when things begin to turn serious, ie: framework and discussions of LT, moving in together or possibly marriage... do a full investigation.

If the investigation come back with whatever you wanted to know and no surprises... then move forward, if there are surprises... then you either need to have a long talk and get some explanations and/or consider whether to continue as before or cutting it off.

At ANY point from first message onward you (either one of you) have both the right and responsibility (to yourself, if no one else) to end the relationship (without regard to the "type" of "relationship") with or without notice or explanation. If you are not comfortable and you can't or won't work it out, you NEED to walk. Period.

This is a basic weeding out process. Oh, remember to make sure that at some point in the dating process they read your forum posting history (on whatever forums you are active on, not just this one) and you read theirs, there are fewer surprises that way. All the way through this... communicate. If you don't know how... take a class at your local college or something.

Simple, yes?

My personal perspective is that you don't need to tell anyone what you have done or are considering doing with regard to an investigation or that they should or should not do one on you. What they choose to do or not is their responsibility, not yours. Personally... should it come to the point that I am doing one, I expect that they either are or already have. I am very selective about who I allow into my life as more than a casual acquaintance and quite frankly, they should be too... and so should you. I have no problem cutting out people who don't mesh for whatever reason at ANY stage.

I've only broken this list once... I got the investigation done before meeting the person... because he wanted me to- because of an unusual situation... I'll let you know how it goes... maybe. :)

And people wonder why they irritate me...
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 334
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 6:03:18 AM

All the other saftey procautions are nessessary too! I love that men keep mentioning them so i don't have to.
I have never gone on a first date before knowing his name. If you are afraid to tell some one your name i think that is a little paraniod. If some one really wants to stalk you they will hide follow you, find out everything they want to know. You can't stop it. My house has a good security system, it is called 357 ;)


I think wanting a background check prior to a first date / meeting is more paranoid. People can reveal their last name and other personal info at a later time. If it gets that far.


Actually I dont think any of us are talking about background cks prior to the first meet-up, or even the first date..


This is not correct. Some women mentioned they wanted a background check prior to the first date / meeting.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 335
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:34:54 AM
Well the undercurrent that is obvious in this thread isn't necessarily the background check itself only that is troubling as it is more than that. As I mentioned earlier in the thread, I am not compatible with a woman that has the mentality she has to do a background check on the first meet/date. If she sees the glass half empty and I always view the world from a half full stand point we are already on a different page, and not compatible as a potential couple.

I take a lot of precautions in life, and I am very careful (I haven't made any financial blunders, haven't married/divorced, no kids, no criminal record, etc). But do draw the line and distinction between safety and being able to live my life. Fear is good, but to an extent or else you are unable to live your life normally.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 336
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:42:53 AM
(12thhour) yes...back ground checks are ridiculous and not needed.....so says the guy that just raped a woman off of Christian Mingle.


Rape is a serious crime. If one occured, it should be reported to the authorities immediately.

This is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about, people posting libelous insinuations about others.



Ksayer according the FBI source, they say 80% of rape is committed by men they know


That leaves 20% to men you don't know.....I don't like the odds.


I actually agree with you here: the 80% figure is highly misleading (ie, pimps are generally known to the girls they run; drug addicts are considered to "know" the dealer, etc). It's a fairly useless stat.

However, GET REAL. How many dating site meet-ups lead to rape/assault, as compared to, say, a boring fizzle; or, one party telling the other "There's no chemistry!" I repeat: if you're this paranoid about dating, don't date. Don't inflict your mental instability on another. There's no 100% guarantee that dating will always and ever be safe and pleasurable. People who think that weasely, sneaky background checks make them safe, are the same sort of people who subscribe to the National Enquirer, and follow their horoscopes faithfully.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 337
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:50:22 AM
What are the statistics from 2012 of how many hundreds of millions of dates occurred without anyone assaulted? The reality is enjoying a date is likely just as safe as going to the bank, riding your bicycle around town, conducting errands at the local hardware store, or visiting the corner pub.
 newstart1949
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 338
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 8:12:52 AM
Below is just some of the recent stuff this year....Guess some are more gullable than others and some are better at playing the game than others..
Your choice...But if you date more than a couple of times its best to check it out as the article says.

A man in California was arrested this week and charged with raping a woman he met on a Christian dating site.
And another woman is suing Match.com after her date tried to murder her.
"I know a guy who had a rufi slipped in his drink and got robbed. Anything can happen. You can make a false profile to lure people in," Drake said.
Brian Wedgeworth, known as "The Casanova Scammer," was arrested in Georgia for defrauding more than 60 victims nationwide. One victim in Tampa suspected something was wrong when the name he gave her got no results on Google.

Read more: http://www.myfoxtampabay.com/story/21255813/2013/02/19/the-dangers-of-online-dating#ixzz2LSLzNcsb
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 339
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 9:15:43 AM
Rape is a serious crime. If one occured, it should be reported to the authorities immediately.

This is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about, people posting libelous insinuations about others.


It was reported and it is all over the news. Therefore it is not a " libelous insinuation."Maybe you should get your head out of the internet hole and listen to the world around you.


Oh, geez... this is NOT hard.

Message here on POF until your common sense or intuition or best friend or whatever has enough to make a basic judgement call. Yes, that means: bad vibes=NO meet.


So by this thought process women wo have been raped didn't listen to thier intuition or best friend or whatever?

Interesting comment.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 340
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 9:34:31 AM
Actual background checks are a bit much, but a simple google search out of curiosity, is prudent, understandable, and not really an issue. And it could be just one more layer of precaution to toss on things as well.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 341
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 10:48:41 AM

Rape is a serious crime. If one occured, it should be reported to the authorities immediately.

This is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about, people posting libelous insinuations about others.


(12thour) It was reported and it is all over the news. Therefore it is not a " libelous insinuation."


If you didn't intend for people to conclude that you were (attempting) to assassinate someone's character by suggesting that people opposed to private-party, surreptitious background checks shared interests with an actual rapist, you would have taken more care in the construction of your sentence. Also, if it's "all over the news", you should have no problem clearly identifying the principal. No, the way you wrote tells us all we need to know...

Just one of the reasons I hate "txt-spk": it leads to sloppy, simplistic, thinking. Which we've seen a lot of in this thread.
-----------
ETA:

TraveliciousGuy: it's always a bad idea to start playing the numbers game. I mean, if you were on that one flight in 10,000 that crashed with no survivors, I guarantee that it'd be a big deal to you. Similarly, one rape versus 10,000 safe dates: no contest. My objection to prying into my personal business rests on factors other than the relative non-assaultive nature of dating.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 342
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 11:08:27 AM

What are the statistics from 2012 of how many hundreds of millions of dates occurred without anyone assaulted?


Excellent point.
It's similar to airplane flights.
One airplane crash makes the news, thousands of daily normal safe landings don't.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 343
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 11:27:51 AM
I find it very comical that women who are paranoid and afraid of being raped and murdered on a first meet or subsequent date are on a dating site. That would be like a religious nut being on a Satanic site, looking to date devil worshippers.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 344
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 11:43:04 AM

yes...back ground checks are ridiculous and not needed.....so says the guy that just raped a woman off of Christian Mingle

If I recall, this woman let the man into her home on their first meeting. I think we could all agree that was a monumental lapse in judgement.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 345
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 12:06:15 PM
Feel it’s too risky? Don’t date. Or shop. Or go out for lunch or dinner. Or leave the house.

So the rapist and “rufi” ist had criminal records then?

I suppose all convicted rapists/murderers/druggers tell potential victims their REAL names so they can be discovered, eh? “Yes, honey, I’ve raped and murdered 33 women in the past year. Oopsie!” Keeripes.

Any of those things could have happened and do happen meeting ANYone, ANYwhere.

I can’t believe anyone would bother attempting to meet anyone from dating websites while being THIS paranoid. Why friggin bother? I don’t get it.


I find it very comical that women who are paranoid and afraid of being raped and murdered on a first meet or subsequent date are on a dating site. That would be like a religious nut being on a Satanic site, looking to date devil worshippers.


Again, I agree, totally.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 346
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/20/2013 9:22:31 PM
Below is just some of the recent stuff this year....Guess some are more gullable than others and some are better at playing the game than others..
Your choice...But if you date more than a couple of times its best to check it out as the article says.

A man in California was arrested this week and charged with raping a woman he met on a Christian dating site.
And another woman is suing Match.com after her date tried to murder her.
"I know a guy who had a rufi slipped in his drink and got robbed. Anything can happen. You can make a false profile to lure people in," Drake said.
Brian Wedgeworth, known as "The Casanova Scammer," was arrested in Georgia for defrauding more than 60 victims nationwide. One victim in Tampa suspected something was wrong when the name he gave her got no results on Google.


I'm sure these types of incidents happen at a very small percentage of first dates / meetings with people from the internet. The chances of something bad happening on a date with someone from the internet is not any worse than it is with someone that you had randomly met at a bar or bookstore. Last time I checked, rapes and murders happened well before the internet was invented. Also a background check may not have prevented these things from happen because they had no criminal record or they used an alias.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 347
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/21/2013 7:35:32 AM


(12thour) yes...back ground checks are ridiculous and not needed.....so says the guy that just raped a woman off of Christian Mingle


(Stubidoo) If I recall, this woman let the man into her home on their first meeting. I think we could all agree that was a monumental lapse in judgement.


Ah, this must be why 12thour didn't want to go into too much detail about this...

Background checks won't stop y0u from making stupid decisions. Inviting a first date to your home is a pretty stupid decision.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 348
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/21/2013 7:56:56 AM

(On_the_Edge_of_Glory) When I got my TS clearance for my job it was a very tedious process. They (the Men in Black haha) interview your friends, your coworkers, your family members. Then they screen your criminal record, finances, mental health. All to get a favorable determination of trustworthiness. Now it's double tedious if you've traveled overseas. That's another can of worms.

So yeah, I'm all for Online dating services conducting background checks...


*sigh* Yet another "They do it for jobs, so d0ing it for dates should be okay, because *JOBS* and *DATING* are *EXACTLY* the same!"...

Ai, Caramba...
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 349
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/21/2013 8:07:54 AM
Do folks consistently get detailed criminal background checks when they request vendors like carpenters, painters, electricians, plumbers, HVAC, meter readers, and similar people to enter their homes? Those instances pose a far higher risk than meeting someone (who doesn't even know your full name) at a coffee place.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 350
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/21/2013 9:06:37 AM
Another point of confusion (among many here):
The women who are in favor of doing a background check first before meeting, all say that if a guy wants to do a background check on her as well, it's fine to do that because they have nothing to hide. That means the woman would need to give the guy her full name, birth date, address and other personal information in order to do the background check. How brilliant is that-giving a stranger you don't trust yet your personal information?
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?