Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 376
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 16 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)

(WolfSpirit29) I have no problem with a background check and neither should anyone. I mean come on, I don't want to date someone that just got out of prison, or was just arrested for drugs, etc.


And, I wouldn't wanna date a chick who's too dumb to pick up on a person's vibe without doing an invasive, privacy-violating background check. So, 'sall good...



 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 377
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/1/2013 11:28:35 AM

Posted by Campfires:
"...Most of my first dates are measured in days, not hours...
And I typically don't do first "meets" because they are virtually worthless IMHO..."

So you chat with a woman online and simply invite her to your groovy pad to spend a few DAYS? Nice!
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 378
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/2/2013 7:34:08 AM
I have no problem with a background check and neither should anyone. I mean come on, I don't want to date someone that just got out of prison, or was just arrested for drugs, etc.



Anyone who is offended by a background check is the one who is insecure. Yes, I sometimes do them and have had them done on me. Most of my first dates are measured in days, not hours. And I typically don't do first "meets" because they are virtually worthless IMHO.


Did you perform background checks on friends, business associates, ex's that you had randomly met at a bar, co-members of a social club that you belong to etc? If the answer is no to any of these, then I think people are being paranoid and insecure about internet dating. The types of people I listed are just as likely to be potential criminals as a person from a dating site. Sometimes alaises can be revealed during a background check. But not always though.

Many women wouldn't be willing to give their last name and other personal info prior to a first date / meeting. Some women wouldn't even give their phone number before a first date / meeting Therefore why should I be expected to give my personal info so that a woman can perform a background check.

Also as mentioned many times on this thread, a clean background check might mean that they haven't been caught and convicted. A person could have committed many crimes and got away with it. Or they may have a criminal record under a different name. Sometimes aliases can be revealed during a background check. But not always though.
 tomiamiam
Joined: 2/6/2012
Msg: 379
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/2/2013 8:31:23 AM
I didn't read through the entire thread, but how can you do a reliable background check without full name. social and residences in last 10 years? What if your 'target's' name is Bill Smith. Lots of hits on that one. I think relying on a mail order background check gives a false sense of security. Best to stick with proven common-sense tips at protecting yourself. And, of course, at some point you have to take a leap of faith when building a relationship. 2 cents deposited.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 380
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/2/2013 1:03:23 PM

(grove_22) Many women wouldn't be willing to give their last name and other personal info prior to a first date / meeting. Some women wouldn't even give their phone number before a first date / meeting Therefore why should I be expected to give my personal info so that a woman can perform a background check.


The compromising amount of personal information that y0u'd have to divulge in 0rder for a reliable background check to be done on you is never addressed. Is *ANYONE* that stupid these days as to give a complete stranger your full name, Social Insurance Number, Date of Birth? All in the name of supposedly "making the woman more comfortable"... If a "woman" is *THAT* timid, she shouldn't be dating. Period. She certainly won't be dating *ME*. Let the morons who don't mind having their identity stolen and their bank accounts cleaned out have 'em...
 MzUnderstood314
Joined: 12/10/2011
Msg: 381
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/2/2013 1:12:36 PM
No its not insecurity. Tell her the bad then let her because some wont tell then u sleep with the enemy
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 382
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/2/2013 3:25:37 PM
Anyway, internet dating does have a higher ratio of loons per minute than a bar. I've tested the theory :-)


Any proof to back up this theory. Unless you think criminals on dating sites sit in their house all the time, these same criminals are also out and about at bars, shopping malls, supermarkets, musuems, sporting events etc.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 383
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/3/2013 10:08:08 AM

(millsandboons) Anyway, internet dating does have a higher ratio of loons per minute than a bar.


If you're that scared of running into "loons", then simply don't date where the ratio is worrying. Problem solved.
 army3
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 384
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/3/2013 11:11:43 AM
Ok- I didn't read all the posts, but I read up to the second one you made. Souds to me like they're just scared. Look, if you really like her, then you won't mind. She's just gotta be more careful in her choice of guys now after having one go postal. Is it an invasion of privacy- yes. She should have told you about the background check before it happened. But all in all, I wouldn't have too much of a problem with it if it was me.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 385
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/3/2013 11:24:24 AM

She should have told you about the background check before it happened. But all in all, I wouldn't have too much of a problem with it if it was me.


And I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem giving you all of her private information before meeting her to do a background check on her. Why would any woman object to giving a stranger all of her private information?
 T8kalook
Joined: 10/28/2012
Msg: 386
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/3/2013 11:31:58 AM
Wow, this conversation has really surprised me (what I read anyway). I don't really understand why doing a background check would be so offensive. I personally would not care if a guy did one on me. I do think the girl you spoke about had issues with trust, but she shared that with you up front. How can someone NOT have doubts about their own judgements after having a relationship like that. It's ok if that is not where you are or what you are looking for, but I don't understand why the background check is offensive. Very interesting to hear this view for me. Not saying it's wrong, but just never considered it would offend someone.
 Railrunner
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 387
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/3/2013 12:02:44 PM
30 years ago, before online dating, a background check might - might - be considered a sign of insecurity. Nowadays, I don't think it is a sign of insecurity, but rather of self-preservation, of wanting to minimize one's odds of being a crime victim statistic.

Meeting people online generally means one is meeting someone outside of his/her usual social circle or groups, and thus is an "unknown". That person you're going on a first date with? None of your friends know who he/she is either, so no one to vouch for his/her character or integrity.

If anyone wanted to do a background check on me, that's fine, and I would even encourage it as a sign of responsibility. In return, I expect the same respect should I do one on her. There should be no reason to be upset over a background check unless she is hiding something.

I wish law enforcement agencies offered a free service, perhaps via the web, for accessing basic information on a person. The only service that I know of like this is for registered sex offenders. For those who have been convicted of other crimes, like robbery or murder, these too should be made publicly accessible. At least then there is a reliable source. I've checked out that "Don't Date Him" site, and seems more to be petty whining than anything. "He wouldn't pay for my dinner, he his a psycho" and other such nonsense only devalues real, honest reports about dangerous people. Information coming straight from law enforcement agencies will be credible and straightforward.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 388
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/5/2013 10:28:41 AM
(t8kalook) Wow, this conversation has really surprised me (what I read anyway). I don't really understand why doing a background check would be so offensive. I personally would not care if a guy did one on me.


So, you would willingly provide him with your full name, your SSN, your DoB? That's *REALLY* idiotic behaviour...


I do think the girl you spoke about had issues with trust, but she shared that with you up front.


She was *NOT* upfront. She told him well after the fact.


How can someone NOT have doubts about their own judgements after having a relationship like that.


In other words, she's perfectly within her rights to invade her current guy's privacy, because of what her last guy did... if a person has such a heightened state of paranoia, and his or her go-to position is "They're guilty until Google proves them innocent!", then the right thing to do is not date.


(Railrunner) Meeting people online generally means one is meeting someone outside of his/her usual social circle or groups, and thus is an "unknown".


If you're that afraid of the "unknown", then don't go where it is. Stay in your house, and don't visit your mental abberation on others...
 prime ribb
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 389
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/5/2013 3:42:25 PM
I think if a person has heightened paranoia in regards to online dating, then they shouldn't be doing it. This scene isn't for everyone.
 Railrunner
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 390
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/6/2013 4:55:42 PM

If you're that afraid of the "unknown", then don't go where it is. Stay in your house, and don't visit your mental abberation on others...


You _are_ aware that being "afraid", and being "cautious" are very different. If one was indeed afraid to meet people outside his/her social circles, then indeed online dating is not for them. However, an ounce of prevention does prevent a ton of trouble, and being cautious can be life-saving. Generally speaking, most people won't do background checks in dating unless there is some sort of red flag or tipoff that something may not be right.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 391
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/6/2013 5:35:08 PM
I think it's a compliment that some lady
paid 20 bucks to know more about me.
:-P
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 392
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/6/2013 7:57:28 PM

Msg 429: Generally speaking, most people won't do background checks in dating unless there is some sort of red flag or tipoff that something may not be right.


Why exactly would you be interested in dating someone if you see a red flag or a tipoff that something is not right? Why waste time and money on a background check? The red flag and the "off" behavior isn't going to disappear after doing a background check. I guess I'm not as desperate as you.
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 393
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/6/2013 11:31:50 PM
maleman999:

For some of us, it isn't about the red flag... that will end things on it's own, in time. After all, a red flag is a reason to stop and reconsider, to end. That should never be ignored. It's not about desperation either. It's about making sure that we aren't missing anything significant a bit further down the line... before things get too serious to back out easily... without hard feelings... confirmation, of sorts... that you are indeed who and what you have said you are, so that we can go forward with due diligence, and create with you the life we are wanting... and sometimes... of our dreams. Most of us (male and female) come out of a divorce or other LTR damaged in some way, the most obvious manifestation, is in a lack of trust on some level. This will actually help us to relearn to trust our own judgments... that what we think we know is correct... and to act accordingly in a timely manner. It teaches us to trust ourselves, our instincts, our intuitions... and not give in to blind fear. It is a good thing... uplifting, enlightening. In a strange way... it allows us to love fully and completely again... with all of the potential that can hold. :)
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 394
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/7/2013 7:14:02 AM
(Railrunner) You _are_ aware that being "afraid", and being "cautious" are very different.


Yes, I am. I'm also aware that "afraid" and "cautious" are subjective, relative terms, and that they in no way justify sneaky, underhanded, intrusive behaviour.


However, an ounce of prevention does prevent a ton of trouble,


Again, agree. In this case, the ounce of prevention is staying away from online dating, not using "fear" or "caution" as justification for invading the privacy of another.


Generally speaking, most people won't do background checks in dating unless there is some sort of red flag or tipoff that something may not be right.


Generally speaking, people who would conduct background checks on dates will *ALWAYS* be looking for a problem, and will use their fear to justify *ANY* sort of intrusive behaviour that ignores the boundaries of another person.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 395
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/7/2013 7:14:26 AM
RJHistoryGirl:
So if a guy you don't really know wants to run a similar check on you, are you willing to give him all of your private info so he can do a thorough check on you? You would have to trust the guy-a stranger-to not use your name and info for fraudulent purposes. Otherwise, you could end up getting bills for thousands of dollars for purchases you never made or have your home broken into. A guy who would do that will give you a fake name and info that probably wouldn't show up in any background search. There's no substitute for a face-to-face meet and possibly a few dates to find out who the stranger is.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 396
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/7/2013 7:24:54 AM
(RJHistoryGirl) For some of us, it isn't about the red flag...


No, it's about being able to pry into someone else's privacy, and being able to cry, "Well, it's legal to do so, and if you have nothing to hide, then it shouldn't be a problem!"


It's about making sure that we aren't missing anything significant a bit further down the line...


If "something significant" comes up a "bit further down the line", how is a snoopy background check going to smoke it out *NOW*?


before things get too serious to back out easily...


If you can't back out of a dangerous/distasteful situation without worrying about what others will think, then you *ARE* desperate.


that you are indeed who and what you have said you are, so that we can go forward with due diligence, and create with you the life we are wanting... and sometimes... of our dreams.


the "dreams" bit.

I would *NEVER* give a first meet/date enough information to conduct a background check. You may live in a "dream" world, but in the real one I inhabit, people *CAN* and *DO* go to town with personal information (not everyone, to be sure, and not even the majority; not giving out personal information -- *THAT'S* caution and prudence, Railrunner).


Most of us (male and female) come out of a divorce or other LTR damaged in some way,


Just another reason why it's a good idea not to date a recently divorced person; and, a good reason not to inflict your drama on another. I have no interest in dating someone who got shafted by their last partner, so they think that gives them the right to take it out on me.
 MuscularVampire
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 397
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/7/2013 8:56:17 AM
This is teaching me something. Never use the same username on different sites. Always use a different name for any site you go on.
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 398
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/7/2013 9:36:47 AM
Maleman999 & Arlo_:

Try reading these. For some reason, I didn't feel a need to repeat myself endlessly.

In this thread: posts 48, 52, 79, 120, 263, 272, 363

And then in my posting history, there is much more... try the personal security thread...

Fact of the matter is, we are all damaged to some extent. At some point, verification of what we *think we know* is a very good idea. I have never advocated for "immediately" or before a first meet... just that it needs to happen somewhere down the line if we decided to continue. Maleman is right... face to face meetings should come first, as well as a few dates. I don't disagree with that. How much information is needed to do is a background check depends on the person it is being done on. Sometimes a name and a face and age range is enough, others require more.

Arlo_... about dreams... don't try to second guess someone else's. Mine are far from the norm. In our heart of hearts... want we each want truly is different... maybe you should think about that. As a guy I dated for a while once told me... the brass ring... find and grab onto the brass ring... if you don't really reach out, find your own dream and follow it, what is the point? :)
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 399
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/7/2013 10:00:11 AM
(^campfires^) What a professional investigator or computer savvy person can accomplish with a small amount of data is amazing.


And, what a professional scammer can do with that same small amount of information is *ALSO* amazing...


As predominant in this thread, the vast majority of and the most vocal complaints are coming from men with no pics and/or "fake" profiles. Why are they the ones who have such a huge issue with background checks???


I fail to see how there's any correlation between having no pic and/or a "fake" profile, and not liking someone snooping in your personal affairs.


... but sometimes it's appropriate and "no", it shouldn't offend anyone who is "real", serious and doesn't have something to hide.


You're right: I *DO* have something to hide. It's called, "My personal business".


Any little piece of information just multiplies in the right hands.



 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 400
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/7/2013 10:06:08 AM

(RJHistoryGirl) Arlo_... about dreams... don't try to second guess someone else's.


That "whooshing" sound was my point flying right past you... I was arguing (apparently futilely) that living in La-La Land, and believing that this real world is populated by unicorns who fart lollipops, is a great way to just *BEG* someone to victimize you...


Fact of the matter is, we are all damaged to some extent.


Apparently, you think that this somehow justifies riding roughshod over the boundaries of others...
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?