Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 26
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 2 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
I have no problem with background checks. I think it would be respectful that she let a person know up front. Either way the truth comes out but common courtesy would be nice. I had a woman leave my license number and my name at the house so if anything happened, someone knew. I kind of thought that was cool. To me it shows a responsible woman.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 27
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:13:15 PM
That's the point I've been trying to get at this whole time. She should've been upfront with me about BEFORE it was done. Instead, she told me about AFTER it was done. It's not like I was applying for a job, a bank loan, buying a house, or anything of that nature. I was trying to get to know her. And last time I checked.... getting to know someone as a potential lover.... shouldn't require a background check. That's all I'm saying.
 Aww-Ree
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 28
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:27:39 PM
Maybe for a woman that has never been beaten up or in an abusive relationship with a man that purports to love her, getting to know someone new who could potentially become a lover shouldn't require a background check...but for this woman's mother it did.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 29
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:39:09 PM
I have no problem with women running background checks. In fact, I will give the all the information they need to do so if they ask and if I found out that they did.. they have my blessing. Good for them.
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:42:38 PM

That's the point I've been trying to get at this whole time. She should've been upfront with me about BEFORE it was done. Instead, she told me about AFTER it was done. It's not like I was applying for a job, a bank loan, buying a house, or anything of that nature. I was trying to get to know her. And last time I checked.... getting to know someone as a potential lover.... shouldn't require a background check. That's all I'm saying.



in all truth..a relationship is bigger than a job and a bank loan, even buying a house....now while background checks are no guarantees of future behaviour, they offer some peace of mind. I think you are being oversensitive. If it isn't something you can forgive her for., then you should break it off as it will come back to be an issue later.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 31
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:47:15 PM

HE has a hidden life, HE is a dangerous man, HE is the reason that women do google searches and background checks. I'd rather be smart than be sucked into the fantasy of some deluded mental case and bring him into my life and the lives of my children. Sorry your feelings were hurt (not really) but just because you might be a good person doesn't mean the rest of the people in the world are.


Welcome to 2013. Before I meet a man, I check him out on Washington Courts - Search Case Records and Google his name. This isn't a sign of insecurity. It is a smart move for women to be careful about strange men.
 queenofyourhearts
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 32
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:48:10 PM
then I guess there should be no men or women being non-trusting with their money either, no pre-nups, etc.
I did a background check on a guy about 2 and a half years ago, he was angry, but said before that that all women were after his money? so I guess we all know trust goes 2 ways. I would not care if anyone did a background check on me.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 33
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:53:25 PM

And last time I checked.... getting to know someone as a potential lover.... shouldn't require a background check. That's all I'm saying.


And the last time I checked, if you want to be in a relationship with someone, you need to have some understanding and compassion for them. OP, you have made this all about you! It was never, ever about you it was about a poor woman and her mother who were abused at the hands of a monster and now the mother has some trust issues. If you cannot understand this, you certainly are not the right man for her daughter.
 stephen bazarian
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:07:49 PM
good job. I would have told her, her background check came back that she was nuts, crazy, wanted by the police and good bye!!
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 35
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:14:49 PM
I don't really have an issue with a woman checking my background. That said, I'm also cautious about giving out details about my identity that would be needed to do a meaningful search.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:21:18 PM
OP, while I'm resisting being serious this thread is starting to diverge.

My uncle was a prosecutor for many years in the far north. A good part of that involved sex crimes. At that time there was little to encourage false claims and more or less all the situations were real. Guys took advantage of every inroad into trust and secrecy they could. Good doctors feel the pain of their patients. Great lawyers are similar. They live the pain in a day by day way. I don't get it either. Happy I'm not a great lawyer.

Its truly tragic to suffer sexual assault. I don't doubt it. This isn't an attempt to garner some wacky appreciation fest from the babes. I'm only trying to help you get some understanding of why background checks happen. We are strangers. We might be bad. You passed. Celebrate that. Don't get choked that they looked because the non-passing guys can be whacked. Lots of them have showed up on POF. That dude that killed the security guards in PoQ was here. Lots of other crazies are here, floating like nasty hidden mines.
 CheezyChick
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 37
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:22:59 PM
Very intrusive.
Yet sometimes necessary apparently.
I personally wouldn't date someone I felt like I needed to do a back-ground check on.
Possibly a little naive considering the 'what if' factor....
If it comes to that for me...I'll find other venues to date.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 38
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:37:40 PM
My thoughts are that you should consider how you'd feel about this if it were your daughter doing a background check on a stranger. And calm down.

It's a "just in case" measure employed by people smart enough to know that no one is impervious to being fooled, and who recognize that they haven't known you since second grade. All information that's accessible is public record; your privacy is in no way invaded.

I've never gone beyond Googling someone's name, myself, but it would hardly be offensive if someone had a check run on me. I just hope they would use a competent, reputable investigator, and not one of these online services that might confuse me with someone whose last name is my middle name!

And BTW people have always done this, especially when meeting someone via correspondence. It just used to take longer is all. Background investigation is a profession with a tradition at least as long as arranged marriage.

I think it's pretty insecure to be bothered by it.
 i_ski_do_u
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 39
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:53:30 PM
I have no problems Googling names. If it would get serious, I would do a background check.
 Glenoran1
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 40
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:06:55 PM
Many of us who are retired volunteer in different capacities, and oftentimes that requires a police background check (e.g., for me to be the Block Watch captain for Glenora). If a potential boyfriend asked, I'd give them the name of the RCMP Officers handling the Block Watch program and suggest the fellow contact them to confirm my status.

I certainly wouldn't be offended by it.
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:19:40 PM
Well I am soooooooo glad I ran across your post because I was just going to write a post on something very similar and ask a question on it. I will answer your question HONESTLY. I am one of those women that has been abused so bad by my ex boyfriend that he nearly destroyed my life. He physically choked me when I told him I loved him, wanted me to get out of a moving car, went thru my cell phone and erased numbers, charmed everyone in authority (Police, pastors, ministers, Judges, Hospitals, Doctors, ....) He has called the Police so many times for small arguments, asking for emergency phone numbers and him jumping out of car to choke me and then trying to get me arrested when he dropped his cell phone in my car, black balling me at many large mega churches to ministers who refused to help me when I sought their help. These mega Churches partner with many smaller churches that are funded by them and therefore ban you from church and activities. My abuser is charming, powerful in society and women from POF and everywhere love him. I can not get an Order of Protection since he charms the Police and Judges. I went 7x to court and they refused to look at pictures. Police ridiculed me every time I wanted to file a complaint and refused to allow me to file them. You can't get an Order without a complaint. I still struggle with this 8 yrs later and he is not in my life. He goes to same places me and my friends go, he comes to my church and he goes to lunch with my minister. He dates mostly POF women. I have forgiven him----but he refuses to say he is sorry although I have poured out my heart and explained in numerous emails. HE WILL NOT SAY HE IS SORRY AND I AM STILL DEALING WITH BEING BANNED AT MANY PLACES BECAUSE HE LOVES TO CALL THE POLICE FOR MINOR THINGS SUCH AS BEFORE TELLING HIM I LOVE HIM (WAS CHOKED), ASKING FOR EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS (ATTEMPTED TO CHOKE ME AND HAVE ME ARRESTED), WANTING TO MEET HIS FAMILY (I WAS THROWN ACROSS THE ROOM). These are the highlights of an abuser. Control is the main reason. When a person is abused---they do not TRUST themselves and their decisions. Most abusers are charming. My abuser is now with another POF lady. SHOULD I WARN THESE WOMEN? When I allude to the fact that he is controlling---these women tell him and then he threatens me. Why do women do this. Abusers get even. He dated a women leader at my church. It's very uncomfortable for this women who he cheated with to teach me at my present church. He also goes to lunch with my minister. People from his Church come to my church and gossip and complain to my minister before I even start a class and then my minister bans me from small groups. This is how far this has gone. My church family is the only family I have.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Your girlfriend did a background check because she does not trust her feelings. If you both had a good relationship till this----I would reassure her that you are not an abuser, but that you understand why she did this because of her past. Tell her that you feel offended by it but that you understand why she did it, because of her past abuse and that she is only trying to be safe. It is healthy that she is taking measures to be safe. If you have a clean record there is nothing to fear. Tell her that you were offended but you understand her reasons and that you have nothing to hide. If you value her, stay with her and work thru her insecurities
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 42
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:26:52 PM

When visiting a random Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts each day, it is packed with complete strangers.Some might think this crazy...yet I sometimes SPEAK with these people...it's totally reckless, I know.


You DO like to live dangerously, don't you? (wink)


There comes a time when intuition comes into play. I am an able-bodied male, yet if a new woman on POF sent me a message right now asking me to meet at a secluded loading dock on the wharf at 3:30 a.m., I wouldn't do it.


Just take Batman and Robin with you and you'll be fine.

On topic, I'm not keen on the idea of background checks for dating. While the crimes described in this thread are of course unacceptable, date rape and assault and battery were occurring long before online dating came along, and still even occur outside of online dating now, so I wonder if the mother and daughter in the opening post, and other women who advocate background checks for online dating, conduct the same background checks on EVERY guy they meet, regardless of the method of meeting, online or real world. If it is only online, then they could easily fall victim to a real world bad guy.
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:35:32 PM
My ex boyfriend is so clever that he has nothing on his record. He should have had a lot on his record, but he charming and makes the Police Officers laugh so he gets off on everything even speeding tickets. He gets off every time and brags about it One time I was in his car and he was supposed to get 3 tickets for 3 violations. He got off on all of them! He charmed the Officer and had a conversation about Race Cars and the Officer let him go on 3 tickets! He has never had a ticket and he is in his 60's. Just to let everyone know----Just because something is not recorded, does not mean you are safe. And just because something IS recorded, doesn't mean it's true. A lot of people are falsely arrested and can't afford a good attorney to represent them. Background Checks are good but not totally always accurate. If something comes up, it should be up for discussion before you judge. The person may have learned from their error or it may not even be true. Do not give up a Diamond just because of a background check. Look at it and then question its validity.
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 44
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:45:49 PM
When I date a guy, I want to see an STD report, divorce papers before I get involved. I also might add in a background check. It would be routine for me. I will not tell the guy about background check so he could fudge his behavior? I want to do this when he least expects it, so I could get to review his behavior. The STD check and divorce papers he will have to show me. Some guys will stop dating a women who lets him know you will be doing a Background Check on him. That I am assuming is the reason she did not tell you. She did this as a safety issue and she had past abuse so she fears for her safety. This is normal for someone who has been abused. What would you have done if she did tell you ahead of time? Would you honestly have stayed? If that is the case, does it really matter if she did the background check whether before or after? It really comes down to a Pride thing. Sure it made you uncomfortable but does it really matter if it was going to happen anyways??? If you value this girl----stay with her and tell her how you feel and set a boundary with her for the future. If you left her already, you would have also did this if she asked you first.
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:54:57 PM
I've had numerous background checks done on me throughout my life, for many, varied reasons-from very basic, to extremely extensive. I have a pretty well documented life as a result. If you have enough information on me to do one, be my guest. I am not offended.

I have also run background checks on others. Again, for many and varied reasons. I don't make a big deal about it, you'll probably never know I did it. There comes a point in certain types of relationships where I need to verify information and I will. It doesn't make you a criminal or a sleezebag. I simply need to know in order to make sound decisions. If that offends you, you aren't the person I thought you were, so whatever was in the offing becomes an automatic no-go. *shrugs*

I will say that I have seen reports from many of these online "background check" companies. What you can get from them on me is laughable compared to what is available elsewhere. Limited and out of date doesn't begin to cover it. If you are going to bother to do something, please do it right. There is no excuse for sloppy workmanship, a good investigator isn't THAT expensive. I can even recommend a few in different locations. *laughing*
 KneadyOne
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 46
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 7:55:12 PM
This thread has been quite interesting.

Personally, I usually volunteer, and suggest sometimes, and provide my full legal name so that a potential date can run a check if she needs to feel safer or more at ease.
We're trying to to have a relationship aren't we? Why be so secretive? They're going to find out sooner or later anyway.....or are they??

In my lifetime, I wish I'd been a little more investigative at times. Maybe I could have found out about the prior drug use, the DUI's, or in one case, the lack of identity at all.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 47
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 8:01:00 PM

If it is only online, then they could easily fall victim to a real world bad guy.

Well, we all live in the real world regardless of how we meet, but, excellent point. It's very easy to be lulled into a false sense of security by meeting someone in a safe environment: work, church, family-oriented occasions such as weddings, etc. It isn't any less a good idea, because of that, to just make sure they are who they seem to be - which almost everyone is, o'course.
 Kiki_Buttons
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 48
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 8:06:32 PM
After my experience I would do one before hanging out with someone. If I had with the last one I would have known he had gone to prison for beating the crap out of his last gf and it would have saved me a lot of pain and heartache. Only I would let the person know I as doing it.
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 49
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 8:06:57 PM
licoricecat_1

Are you sure you that you didn't date my blood father? That mostly sounds like him, except that last time I checked, he was down south and on wife number 6 or so.

OT- yes, I'm actually more inclined to check someone met in real life before someone I met online. People tend to tell me things, most are verifiable with a simple phone call. It's rare that someone outright lies to me that I've met face to face (without regard to where I was introduced to them). I get told a lot that I'm very easy to talk to, not usually easy to understand, mind you, just easy to talk to. *smile* People who contact me (from wherever) usually want something. Before I give, I first listen carefully, then check. Simple.
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 8:43:12 PM
Well I am soooooooo glad I ran across your post because I was just going to write a post on something very similar and ask a question on it. I will answer your question HONESTLY. I am one of those women that has been abused so bad by my ex boyfriend that he nearly destroyed my life. He physically choked me when I told him I loved him, wanted me to get out of a moving car, went thru my cell phone and erased numbers, charmed everyone in authority (Police, pastors, ministers, Judges, Hospitals, Doctors, ....) He has called the Police so many times for small arguments, asking for emergency phone numbers and him jumping out of car to choke me and then trying to get me arrested when he dropped his cell phone in my car, black balling me at many large mega churches to ministers who refused to help me when I sought their help. These mega Churches partner with many smaller churches that are funded by them and therefore ban you from church and activities. My abuser is charming, powerful in society and women from POF and everywhere love him. I can not get an Order of Protection since he charms the Police and Judges. I went 7x to court and they refused to look at pictures. Police ridiculed me every time I wanted to file a complaint and refused to allow me to file them. You can't get an Order without a complaint. I still struggle with this 8 yrs later and he is not in my life. He goes to same places me and my friends go, he comes to my church and he goes to lunch with my minister. He dates mostly POF women. I have forgiven him----but he refuses to say he is sorry although I have poured out my heart and explained in numerous emails. HE WILL NOT SAY HE IS SORRY AND I AM STILL DEALING WITH BEING BANNED AT MANY PLACES BECAUSE HE LOVES TO CALL THE POLICE FOR MINOR THINGS SUCH AS BEFORE TELLING HIM I LOVE HIM (WAS CHOKED), ASKING FOR EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS (ATTEMPTED TO CHOKE ME AND HAVE ME ARRESTED), WANTING TO MEET HIS FAMILY (I WAS THROWN ACROSS THE ROOM). These are the highlights of an abuser. Control is the main reason. When a person is abused---they do not TRUST themselves and their decisions. Most abusers are charming. My abuser is now with another POF lady. SHOULD I WARN THESE WOMEN? When I allude to the fact that he is controlling---these women tell him and then he threatens me. Why do women do this. Abusers get even. He dated a women leader at my church. It's very uncomfortable for this women who he cheated with to teach me at my present church. He also goes to lunch with my minister. People from his Church come to my church and gossip and complain to my minister before I even start a class and then my minister bans me from small groups. This is how far this has gone. My church family is the only family I have.



Sorry to hear he physically choked you when you said you love him of all things.
I suppose this means you mean nothing to him and he finds you quite despicable.
Good on you for leaving him
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?