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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 501
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 21 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)

(paderic) An alternative viewpoint would be that any guy who can't accept a woman at least checking him out through Google shouldn't be online dating. Because it is going to happen and there isn't a darned thing he can do to stop her (except refusing to give any personal information at all, in which case he's not likely to be meeting anyone).


Yet another alternative, and one far more likely to be in accord with actual human nature, would be that, if enough guys make it clear that they won't put up with this sort of shennanigan, and will dump any girl who does it when they find out, maybe girls will learn that it's not a nice thing to do out of the gate and behind someone's back.

Telling anyone, "I'm going to do this, and there's SFA you can do about it!", is a good way of causing an unpleasant reaction, and a self-defeating paradigm. You know better than that.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 502
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 12:37:03 PM
The days of people trying to prohibit other people from doing something common, legal and easy, simply because they don't like it, are long gone. I don’t think that the threat of being dumped is a very big threat. Most people are okay with not continuing with a prospective partner who thinks s/he can threaten an “unpleasant reaction” to get the other person to do what they want them to.

At least half of the people who posted on this thread don’t mind and aren’t upset by a Googling of their name or a look at their court records once they’ve met someone and are in the early stages of dating.

Just like in OP’s case, the girlfriend dumped him because he got upset. He tried to apologize but she didn’t want to continue with someone who got upset as he did. Probably the more likely scenario.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 503
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 1:23:24 PM

(Midwest_Southwest) The days of people trying to prohibit other people from doing something common, legal and easy, simply because they don't like it, are long gone.


Phew! Good thing I'm not trying to prohibit anyone from doing anything, then!


I don’t think that the threat of being dumped is a very big threat.


I don't think it's a very big threat, either. In my case, it's a 100% accurate of future consequences *IF* the other person chooses, freely and of their own will, to follow a certain course of action WRT me.


Most people are okay with not continuing with a prospective partner who thinks s/he can threaten an “unpleasant reaction” to get the other person to do what they want them to.


No threat. Nor, any cajoling to get anyone to do anything. Besides, my response was to paderic's implication that, since Googling was easy and legal, people subject to it had better learn to put up with it. Knowing human nature, I opined that *THAT* was an asinine way to approach relationships.


At least half of the people who posted on this thread don’t mind and aren’t upset by a Googling of their name or a look at their court records once they’ve met someone and are in the early stages of dating.


Well, simple math should tell you that the other half *ARE*. Anyway, ethics aren't (or shouldn't be) decided upon by majority consensus. Most people wear their hats at the dinner table, or when talking to a woman. It's still wrong.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 504
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 1:29:03 PM
You're actually right about that Midwest... she dumped me for my reaction. In fact, because of my reaction, she thought I was gonna end up treating her the same way her ex did.

In short... simply because I got upset about it, she thought I was going to beat her.
 NewAZGurl21
Joined: 3/16/2013
Msg: 505
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 1:58:25 PM
This is totally true. Families knew the other family back before online dating. I used to live in a small town when i was a child and everyone knew each other in the community. If i had dated someone there, I wouldn't need a background check, my family would have known the other family. And yes if you have an issue g-rock with background checks, look in a mirror. I have never met someone who would mind a background check unless they wanted to hide something about themselves(maybe not a criminal record, but something). Grock you are sketchy.
 NewAZGurl21
Joined: 3/16/2013
Msg: 506
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 1:59:12 PM
Im new to this that post was to reply to Midwest_southwest.
 NewAZGurl21
Joined: 3/16/2013
Msg: 507
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 2:04:40 PM
I dont even get why you are still fighting. All the guys who oppose people trying to be safe should put on their profile, If you do a background check on me, i will be offended. then you wont have to worry about the women who look for their safety when in a relationship. Then you will only date women who dont do background checks. I have had many people who abuse friends of mine and they do background checks. If you have an issue date women who dont give a crap whether they are in danger. AS far as i am concerned guys who oppose that are losers and no wonder they tend to never be married or have good relationships. Because "thats not fair". WAKE UP CALL LIFE IS NOT FAIR
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 508
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 2:24:58 PM
NewAZGurl21...I have EXTREMELY COMPELLING security information to share with you.

Before sending it to you, please provide me your full name, social security#, telephone number, current address, previous addresses, current employer, previous employers, plus names of your parents, siblings, and dependents. It is totally worth it and it will be an eye-opener for you. Thank you.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 509
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 3:27:29 PM
Yet another alternative, and one far more likely to be in accord with actual human nature, would be that, if enough guys make it clear that they won't put up with this sort of shennanigan, and will dump any girl who does it when they find out, maybe girls will learn that it's not a nice thing to do out of the gate and behind someone's back.

Telling anyone, "I'm going to do this, and there's SFA you can do about it!", is a good way of causing an unpleasant reaction, and a self-defeating paradigm. You know better than that.


Judging by the feedback in this thread, the guys who would dump a girl for this are in the minority.

I should know better than what? You're making a strawman argument, since I never suggested a woman should or would tell anyone anything.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 510
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 3:42:34 PM
Most women are after the bad boys. If a woman does a background check on a guy and finds out he has a criminal record, does that make him more attractive, since he's bad? Is that the real reason why women want to do a background check-because crime is sexy?
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 511
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 3:52:49 PM

Most women are after the bad boys


Wrong, most woman don't want "bad boys" they also don't want the self styled "good/nice guy" who like the OP is not really a good/nice guy.

What they really want is someone who excites them! And that does mean bad or good, it means what appeals. So tired of the "good/nice guys" telling women what they want and what they choose. Guess what? Most of the time we will go for the REAL GOOD GUY, not that self-styled good guy who is actually an a$$hat.

JMO

And over and over the OP has ignore what the "nice guy" did to the poor woman, his emotional abuse was nearly as bad as the original physical abuse! So he is not a nice guy thus making his arguments moot.
 NewAZGurl21
Joined: 3/16/2013
Msg: 512
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 4:11:16 PM

she dumped me for my reaction. In fact, because of my reaction, she thought I was gonna end up treating her the same way her ex did. In short... simply because I got upset about it, she thought I was going to beat her.


I don't think she dumped you because she thought you would beat her up. She dumped you because you blew up at her and got pissed that she checked you out for her own safety. You don't necessarily have to beat someone up to be an abuser. Their are many types. Emotional, Verbal and Physical abuse. Sounds to me like you might have verbally attacked her for doing a background check. Good for her to break up with you.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 513
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 5:19:28 PM

What they really want is someone who excites them! And that does mean bad or good, it means what appeals. So tired of the "good/nice guys" telling women what they want and what they choose.


You’re not the only one. It’s laughably pathetic if a guy who insists on doing this simultaneously tried to convince ANYone, including himself, that he’s a “nice guy.”

Of course they must blame women’s supposed bad judgment on why women don’t want THEM….not because they’re unattractive, unappealing losers….but because women really want “bad boys.” You should see the screaming crowd outside Attica Prison. It’s like a Justin Bieber concert over there.

IMO time might better be spent taking a good long look in the mirror rather than throwing foot stomping temper tantrums.

OT

If I feel the need to do a background check on a man, I’M NOT MEETING HIM.

A few posters have said they did background checks when they got suspicious, or noticed red flags. WHY bother? If a background check comes back clear, do you just ignore the suspicious red flags that prompted the check in the first place?? Makes NO sense to me.

Honestly…..the idea that all these legions of sex abusers, rapists, and other miscreants readily provide their REAL names is ludicrous. Jeezus, I’m not even a criminal (honest) and even *I* know I wouldn’t give out my real name if I had a criminal past to hide. Nothing worse than a stupid criminal. I wouldn’t date him just for that.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 514
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 7:24:41 PM
Obviously... there are some who agree with. And majority who don't. For those who don't agree with me... wait till someone actually does it to you. I guarantee you'll be singin a different tune. Especially you women who disagree with me.

I bet that the moment a man does one on you... you'll be quick to call him a stalker, or accuse him identity theft. But yet all he's doing, is looking out for him and his own safety.

Why am I NOT allowed to be mad about what had been done to me?
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 515
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 7:36:48 PM

For those who don't agree with me... wait till someone actually does it to you. I guarantee you'll be singin a different tune. Especially you women who disagree with me.


Well since I would never give someone that much information before meeting them, not worried about having it happened and if it did, no big deal. Nothing to find here and no, I would not think the person was a stalker, would actually find it rather amusing.


Why am I NOT allowed to be mad about what had been done to me.


Holy h3ll, nothing was done to you! Get over it, you gave her your full name and access to personal information and a list of your friends. She ran a check on you based on your name. WTH did that do to you other than hurt your poor sensitive, insecure feelings?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 516
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/21/2013 8:03:31 PM
If I was e-chatting with someone and she said "I need your personal info to do a criminal background check on you", I would say to her: "Do you also want to check my religious background? Contact the Church of Satanic Sacrifice where we do human sacrifices on the third Friday of every month. The third Friday is coming up. Want to join me?"
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 517
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/22/2013 2:45:44 AM
LOL Maleman... that's a good one. I'll have to remember that... just in case I get put in this situation again.

Now... I do have one more thing to say. To which ALL of you will understand why I'm so upset about having this unnecessary background check done.

Aside from the fact of her initially being honest with me (which got me to trust her)... she also told me that she loved me.

Now I know ALL of you ladies know, how much it hurts for a man to lie to you about his feelings. Well guess what? We men feel pain, when women lie to us about their feelings.

This woman lied to me about her feelings about me.

Sorry but.... I never take it lightly when a woman tells me the "L" word. And when that emotion gets betrayed by any means... of course I'm gonna be hurt and upset.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 518
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/22/2013 4:19:43 AM

Now... I do have one more thing to say. To which ALL of you will understand why I'm so upset about having this unnecessary background check done.


Again,to you it was unnecessary to her peace of mind, it was very important.


Aside from the fact of her initially being honest with me (which got me to trust her)... she also told me that she loved me


Are you saying that she told you she loved you before the background check was done? If so, you are both are pair of nutjobs, YOU HAD NEVER MET!

If after, well she didn't break your trust, she did something insignificant before you ever met her, GAWD you are overly sensitive. How the h3ll did she betray you? She told what she had done, you went off the deep end and scareD the crap of her. Doesn't mean she didn't love you, means that love is not all it takes.

And if you loved her in return, regardless of the outcome, you would have never betrayed her online. AN ISSUE THAT YOU REFUSE TO ADDRESS!
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 519
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/22/2013 7:01:32 AM

For those who don't agree with me... wait till someone actually does it to you. I guarantee you'll be singin a different tune.


I don't know that someone hasn't "done it" to me. All I know is nobody has told me they ran a background check on me.

I can't control what other people do.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 520
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/22/2013 9:11:52 AM
Hamilton... she might be the nutjob, but not me. As far as when she told me the "L" word. It wasn't right away. She told me the "L" word, about 5 weeks into the relationship. Which was approx. 7 weeks BEFORE she revealed to me the truth about the bg check being done. Either way you look at it, she told me the "L" word after the background check was done.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 521
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/22/2013 10:50:12 AM
G-ROCK1980...the folks pro-background check mere moments into a relationship are having difficulty with privacy.
Heck, even the people who founded our beloved country touched on this very topic in the Fourth Amendment.
Granted that is about government intrusion into private affairs, yet they were certainly mindful of the topic.

Yet those same people who retort with "if you have nothing to hide" would be the first to complain if one promoted an idea of annual police inspections of their homes. It is very easy to be cavalier about another person's life and privacy.
Scores of my family members and friends have found great partners by relying upon the gray matter located between their ears.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 522
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/22/2013 11:31:55 AM
I don’t believe that you’re still upset about the “background check.” You might be using that to justify anger, but the check itself did you no harm and you don’t care about that girl anyway. (You called her a paranoid psycho and you named her in msg 115.)

She had only your name and location (not your ss# and family members addresses and all that) and therefore could not have gotten anything more than public information that your friends and family know anyway.

Nothing horrible was done to you. Your person and property are intact and you’re free to date. If this hurt your feelings and that is enough to send you into such anger and anguish for months, you’ve led a pretty easy life.

You can get mad about anything you choose to, but it is your choice. Some people won’t want to deal with people who fly off the handle, or who choose to be angry rather than listen and discuss, especially if they don’t see the reason for the outburst. And many here do not see anything horrible that was “done to you”, so why would she? People can choose to fight and blurt, or they can control themselves and choose to try to understand. If you resist seeing another person’s point of view, and prefer anger or owning the victim role, you are going to have a rough time in any relationship.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 523
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/22/2013 12:22:07 PM

...the folks pro-background check mere moments into a relationship are having difficulty with privacy.


I am neither pro nor con, I just don't see how information that is readily available can be considered private. I also don't understand how you're going to stop anyone from googling you after you freely give your name to them.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 524
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/22/2013 12:38:35 PM
A lot of things are coming clear now. I really shouldn't angry about this. I've upset about it for too long.

However, when I stated he did a background check on me. She actually PAID to have it done. With it... she received my personal info. Which included: my ssn#, a list of all my relatives, and their addresses. So she didn't just do the google search. She paid to get ALL of my info.

I hope this clears things up here.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 525
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/22/2013 12:53:38 PM
It was cleared-up by the OP moments ago, yet my impression all along was we were discussing far more than Googling a name. I agree many people will Google out of curiosity, yet results should be digested with a grain of salt. Further escalating to launch a full-scale investigation on another person is a whole new ball of wax.
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