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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
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 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 576
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 24 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
Arlo, in many ways I agree with you. But tell me, would you give someone that you had never met enough information to do the check in the first place? I know I sure the h3ll wouldn't.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 577
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/27/2013 3:33:02 PM

(hamilton12345) Arlo, in many ways I agree with you. But tell me, would you give someone that you had never met enough information to do the check in the first place? I know I sure the h3ll wouldn't.


Of course, I wouldn't. Identity theft is as real as insecurity, and it also cannot be dismissed. There are valid arguments on both sides, and I'm *TRYING* to listen to both sides. Occasionally, you can hear a "peep" of validity while the majority of posters are raising Cain, trying to out-shout each other...
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 578
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/27/2013 3:34:51 PM

would you give someone that you had never met enough information to do the check in the first place? I know I sure the h3ll wouldn't.

It's amazing what can be discovered without a lot of effort. Over a decade ago, I worked at a company that wanted me to do cold calls on businesses to sell our product. However, I had to identify the correct person. I found the easiest way was to use software that would 'search' company websites and give me names; then, I could search the names and find out the position they had in the company to see if they were the right person to call. Now, I'm no whiz at this, and I had to do a bit of searching to find the software, but it wasn't that difficult. Ten years down the road, and I've no doubt that if someone really wanted to, they could find out who I am just from my profile here; they could then go on to find out all kinds of other stuff about me. Now, most people aren't that interested, so most of us are relatively safe. But once you've put anything about yourself on the internet, you're "findable" if someone wants to badly enough.
 Aura1shine
Joined: 3/2/2011
Msg: 579
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/27/2013 3:43:03 PM
If there is nothing to hide, why should it be an issue? Prevention is much better than correction after. I do believe in prevention.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 580
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/27/2013 3:58:19 PM
(4ms4me) It's amazing what can be discovered without a lot of effort.


You *DO* realize that it's statements like this, that polarize opposition to background checks, don't you? I.e. "Snooping is easy, and here's how I used to do it!"


(aura1shine) If there is nothing to hide, why should it be an issue


Already answered, many times. Read the entire thread before you make such facile statements.


Prevention is much better than correction after. I do believe in prevention.


Then, don't date. Problem prevented.

This is the sort of noise I was talking about...
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 581
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/27/2013 4:38:28 PM

I've no doubt that if someone really wanted to, they could find out who I am just from my profile here; they could then go on to find out all kinds of other stuff about me.


I don't know, I really have a hard with believing that . Even when I was dating from here, there was not enough information on my profile to actually figure out who I am. Even after contact, still not enough information given to find out who I am. Not until after the first date. Nickname, not even full first name, no last name, job in the public sector in a city where the public sector is the biggest employer. Stuff about my likes and dislikes, but nothing that coud actually ID me.

Now in the end, I am not a proponent of background checks, but I can certainly understand why this young woman and her mother felt it was necessary. As was said earlier, she already knew that her unassisted choices were not great. Maybe she shouldn't have been dating but...

If we say that anyone who is damaged or has any emotional problems should not be dating, then I guess they might as well close down all these say, because we are all damaged in one way or another.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 582
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/27/2013 5:08:27 PM

I don't know, I really have a hard with believing that

As I said, it would be if someone really wanted to --- most people don't.

there was not enough information on my profile to actually figure out who I am.

Did you have a pic up, and was that pic up anywhere else on the internet, such as FB? Obviously, you are correct that the less info you provide, the harder it will be for someone to identify you so you might as well make them work for it.

I'm not against background checks, if that makes someone feel more comfortable; nor do I think there's any moral need to tell the person you're checking up on. I also think it's only fair to exchange personal information if you are doing background checks, so that both people have the opportunity, should they wish to take it.


You *DO* realize that it's statements like this, that polarize opposition to background checks, don't you? I.e. "Snooping is easy, and here's how I used to do it!"

Why should pointing out that snooping is easy polarize opposition to background checks, except among people who have something to hide? If anything, it should make people realize that once their stuff is out there, it can be found even if they think it's hidden; all it takes is the will to find it.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 583
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/28/2013 3:37:34 AM
4Ms4me: there is a significant difference between making a statement to make a point, and ham-handedly trying to batter down opposing viewpoints; an important distinction that many seem incapable of grasping.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 584
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/28/2013 4:32:13 AM
The state about a damaged person not dating. There IS a difference between "damaged" and "severely damaged" people. This woman that I dated, was severely damaged.

Granted, I wouldn't wish what happened to her and her mom, on my worst enemy. But had that been me... I would've sought out psychiatric help, BEFORE I started dating again. And that's something she didn't.

And because of this... she felt it was necessary to know my personal information. Which now poses another question. How much personal information should you really know about a person BEFORE a first date?
 FamiliarGuy545
Joined: 2/11/2013
Msg: 585
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/29/2013 12:25:10 AM
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-politics/9625073/Clares-Law-Do-you-know-your-partners-past.html

Pilot in the UK.....
I am unsure how I would react if I found that someone had checked me out using it - my gut feeling would be that I was being judged as being an abuser under the 'guilty until proved innocent' rule. Part of me doesn't care because I know it would be clean...and part of me would be wounded at the lack of trust.
I quite often divulge information to potential dates so that can 'check my story' etc with google, fb etc. Yet I would feel betrayed, badly, knowing that this kind of check had been performed - to me it would be tantamount to 'you thought I was capable of That?'....
I would be feeling a mix of emotions....
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 586
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/29/2013 10:51:08 AM

4Ms4me: there is a significant difference between making a statement to make a point, and ham-handedly trying to batter down opposing viewpoints; an important distinction that many seem incapable of grasping.

Huh? Are you trying to call me ham-handed in some roundabout way? Or just what are you trying to say? What has this to do with polarizing statements??
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 587
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/29/2013 11:11:53 AM
What I find laughable are people who object to a background check , but are willing to friend someone they barely know on Facebook right away, where private information can be obtained. That's like leaving a $20 bill on the sidewalk on a busy street and hoping nobody will pick it up.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 588
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/29/2013 11:58:00 AM
I know what you're trying to say. But to be honest... when I added her, I seen no harm in adding her. How was I to know that she ws only adding me for bg check purposes?
 FamiliarGuy545
Joined: 2/11/2013
Msg: 589
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/29/2013 12:32:22 PM
Adding someone on FB or similar is a two-way street, you are opening yourself up, just as they are.....
Using paid services et al isn't the same thing at all. We are all aware that we leave an online footprint - that things we put into the WWW are there to stay...which some people later regret.
However, there is a world of difference between that and bank details; social security information etc.
There is also a world of difference between that and - whilst I know that they are public documents, part of the public record - searching court records.
Whilst I do have nothing to hide, there would still be the 'why did you feel the need' question.
Don't get me wrong, if someone said, upfront, that they had issues because of something in the past, I probably would say - check me out etc....but for someone to do it and not inform me would be, to me, an gross insult.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 590
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/29/2013 4:23:24 PM
That's the exact way that I took this situation. Yes I do see it clearly both ways. But I still felt like my privacy was invaded, regardless of the information I gave. The only information she had was my first and last name. So its not like I gave everything. The only other info she had was my address.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 591
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/29/2013 4:23:46 PM
That's the exact way that I took this situation. Yes I do see it clearly both ways. But I still felt like my privacy was invaded, regardless of the information I gave. The only information she had was my first and last name. So its not like I gave everything. The only other info she had was my address.
 LoveBeautifulDays
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 592
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/31/2013 1:20:01 PM
Do it, seriously.
Its important
too many crazies, etc
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 593
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/31/2013 7:20:03 PM

Do it, seriously.
Its important
too many crazies, etc


Don't date, seriously.
too many crazies, etc.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 594
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/31/2013 7:32:07 PM

That's the exact way that I took this situation. Yes I do see it clearly both ways. But I still felt like my privacy was invaded, regardless of the information I gave. The only information she had was my first and last name. So its not like I gave everything. The only other info she had was my address.


You know, you really do need to take responsibility for this. As has been said repeatedly, you gave a stranger access to the information needed to do the check. Really! The onlly information she had was your name and address? That is all you need to do a check and you gave her that information. By adding her to FB, you also gave her access to your friends and family. You invaded your own privacy.
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 2/28/2013
Msg: 595
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 3/31/2013 7:33:29 PM
I tend to agree with you. I know with dating online, things can be tricky and can be scary. If she was concerned about you and your background, I agree she should've asked enough questions and then she should have asked you if you would consent to a background check. It was a violation of your privacy and trust.

I dated someone that I know he did that with me, because he started asking me about previous places that I lived in NYC and VA. He was insecure though and it all came out. I feel if someone has that much mistrust with someone, they shouldn't date them. Your background is not your character and that should speak for you. If she doesn't trust anyone, she shouldn't date anyone. I totally agree with your stance on this.
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 596
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 4/2/2013 6:59:00 AM
A simple internet search may reveal some info. But there is no guarantee that info is correct. That person could have a common name and you got him or her mixed up with another person. Or that person used an alias. There is no way that I would give a virtual stranger my SSN and other personal info that is needed to do a complete background check.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 597
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 4/2/2013 8:00:34 AM


(AT) 4Ms4me: there is a significant difference between making a statement to make a point, and ham-handedly trying to batter down opposing viewpoints; an important distinction that many seem incapable of grasping.


(4ms4me) Huh? Are you trying to call me ham-handed in some roundabout way? Or just what are you trying to say?


I'm calling your statement, and its delivery, ham-handed. Understand what is being said, and don't just think about the next neat-sounding thing you want to say, and this conversation will actually advance.
 newstart1949
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 598
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 6/23/2013 12:57:57 PM
After all the TV shows on Facebook, its really interesting what can be found on Facebook..
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 599
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 6/23/2013 3:49:12 PM
Nice! This thread returns just-in-time for summertime fun.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 600
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 6/27/2013 3:32:27 AM
(op)

What might be considered wrong or rude here, is not that a background check was done, nor conversely that the checkee doesn't understand that you can't know if you can trust someone you don't know yet to be fully disclosing...but what was wrong, rude, self-defeating, and negatively startling, is that it came out-of-left-field, done in secret, without pre-notification, wasn't asked about beforehand directly. The checkee should be given the opportunity to answer questions directly about his/her past first, and the checker should notify that a check is going to be done. Yes, in applicable cases, the checkee would (should) voluntarily offer information without even being asked, but when this might be done is always the question, and probably shouldn't happen as early as the first-meet. And, I wouldn't expect the checker to take the other person's word for things, and they should exercise the prerogative to still do a check after asking the checkee to disclose any information, and it's certainly a concern that first asking for disclosure directly or notifying that a check is going to be done entails not knowing what kind of response might be given if it's a person who has something in their past/on their record, which just means that how and when you ask is what's important...however, do the check, no matter what, but first ask the person directly and/or notify them ahead of time that you're going to do a check. Absolutely do not tell them after the fact that you did it without you having brought it up first. Someone with the cleanest background check might consider that rude as hell, and it might be a complete deal-breaker. The 'if there's nothing to hide then it doesn't matter' bit doesn't cut it.
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