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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 greshamgirl30
Joined: 7/21/2013
Msg: 604
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 27 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
considering her past, it probably sounded reasonable to her to do one, i don't think it had anything to do with you, it's for her own safety which i don't think makes her insecure, it just makes her more cautious of who she let's in her life. See it from her point.
 sweetpe4u
Joined: 11/4/2013
Msg: 605
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 11/28/2013 12:52:51 PM
Can't you understand the reason behind her (and her mother's) concern? You could at leat TRY to be empatheic and not take it personally. It's a reflection of HER past traumas and not of your character.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 606
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 12/1/2013 11:34:38 AM
If she's so damaged that she has to run background checks on her dates, she shouldn't be dating.

Common sense.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 607
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 12/1/2013 12:39:35 PM
The guy is largely to blame for what irked him by providing too much information too soon to a stranger. I won't provide a woman with my last name, address, or any other personal information until after we meet in real life and I'm interested in dating her, and vice versa. There's no reason to give personal info or add someone to Facebook if it's a once only meet or no meet situation. If a woman won't agree to that, too bad. I don't play paranoia games.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 608
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 12/1/2013 7:00:14 PM
The only time I ever do a background check is when something seems odd and this person has some type of information on me. This includes all types of relationships.

I have never paid for a background check but I have googled my fitness instructors wife after she disguised as my instructor and send me e-mails to check up on my interaction with him. Since I had not given her any reason to be jealous and was getting weird vibes from her, I did look her up. I found a mugshot of her for credit card fraud.

But in regards to meeting people from a dating site, I simply won't meet anyone that I don't feel comfortable with. I won't check up on anyone unless I have a reason to do so, even if it's just a gut feeling.
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 609
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 12/3/2013 6:48:28 AM
A simple internet search may not be accurate because that person could have the same name as another person. A complete background check would involve a SSN and other personal info. I'm not giving that info to a virtual stranger. I'm sure a woman would not give me this info to me if she didn't know me that well.
 traveltrekker
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 610
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 12/4/2013 12:13:51 PM

You cant be too careful these days and it is all very risky.


I hear people say this all the time.
At what time in history could you BE too careful? And when was it not risky?

There were no cell phones to carry around with you 100 years ago, and there was no 911 to dial if you found yourself in trouble 100 years ago. People are actually safer now, with more resources available, than ever before.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 611
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 12/4/2013 3:32:48 PM
OP, I know that to perform a comprehensive background check, companies need you to sign a release form. Now I know that there are some (probably rather shady) internet companies that promise accurate BG checks online, but I question exactly HOW accurate those are. Methinks there may be some legal questions regarding a BG check on anyone without their knowledge and consent.
 PrettyBr0wneyed1
Joined: 8/29/2013
Msg: 612
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/18/2014 9:47:28 AM
It's ridiculous and it is indeed intrusive. I briefly dated a guy that was not upfront that he had been married and divorced 4 times. He played victim and tried to paint the picture that everyone had basically done him wrong. I found out that he did a background check on me. As much dirt as he had done in his past. I never once performed a background check. When I proceeded to distance myself after seeing his insecure and argumentative behavior and even when he did drive by's, not once did I perform a background check on him.

It was not until after I ended things, changed my number and specifically told him that if he proceeded to contact me, do any drive bys, make any contact that I would proceed with a restraining order. His last exwife (which is much younger than him) and I had correspondence via facebook. He painted such a lovely picture which was total opposite. She shared with me that he had pushed her down the stairs while she was pregnant and that was a result charge in his background that reflected that. She told me to look it up to confirm that she was telling the truth. She was telling the truth about the assault charge in his record, among many other things.

I won't say in all cases, but being that this guy was highly insecure, demanded to know my whereabouts every second of the day if I didn't answer my phone or text him back fast enough. I do feel that in many situations the guilty tend to pry and part of that is they feel they're entitled. I learned my lesson from that whole ordeal, but I will say if you have questions, then it should be a conversation. There are many people that commit crimes that get away with them, so there is no record to indicate they are guilty or tell of their past criminal history. So prying into one's past isn't always telling of them or their character. It can be an indicator, but as with most things the best place to start is by being direct and having a very upfront conversation with that person. If they're not ready to divulge information to you, then they're probably not ready to be involved with you.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 613
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/18/2014 10:35:40 AM
So.... are you saying you've changed your mind now, and decided it IS a good idea to do background checks?
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 614
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/18/2014 2:40:11 PM

But in regards to meeting people from a dating site, I simply won't meet anyone that I don't feel comfortable with.


I think that is a good approach - face it, if you're off doing background checks you *already* have an uneasy feeling about someone and don't trust them. That's not a very good start to a healthy relationship. Your 'gut instinct' is telling you something is wrong, listen to it and save yourself the effort of running checks on someone you already don't trust.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 615
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/18/2014 3:56:29 PM
^^^

forums1 is precisely correct above. No need to force yourself to do something you don't wish to do.
Don't rely on a background check to "make you feel better" if your personal alarms are already sounding.

It is for the same reason so many of us can be comfortably seated next to strangers at a coffeeshop or a restaurant.
They are not engaging in behavior that causes us discomfort, so everyone carries on with their own business.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 616
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/18/2014 4:28:53 PM
Like it was said multiple times in this thread on multiple pages, you would have to get some personal information on the person, in case two or more unrelated people have the same name, and you should be willing to share the same personal information as well. How comfortable are you in giving someone you don't know that well your personal information? I certainly wouldn't give anyone some of my personal information, for them to use for whatever purpose. The information might not be used for a background check, but instead for fraudulent purposes. Are you willing to take that chance with your personal information?

And like it was said above, if you feel something is not right, do not proceed any further. Simple and easy.
 PrettyBr0wneyed1
Joined: 8/29/2013
Msg: 617
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/18/2014 5:41:30 PM
Seriously, now a days, LADIES I would do a local "courts check" (its free) to see the guys criminal record or lack off, men, I would suggest you do the same, but we don't get raped as often. "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"


Again, there are people that have gotten away with crimes and there are people that have been a victim of situations, so judging based on checking someone's background without getting their consent. If that's what people have to rely on, you've never seen the movie "Assault on Wall Street" as an example of how his credit was jacked up, he lost his job because his credit took a hit, all due to trying to keep his dying wife alive. I'm going all the way left to prove a point that credit checks and background checks are pointless if someone is doing them without getting consent, FIRST.

And, if a person has any doubts about someone than they shouldn't date them, period. I mean if you can not have an honest talk to the person than they probably don't need to be in any type of dating situation, because that harbors trust issues. And, that guy that did the drive bys and was insecure, even with an assault charge, there are ladies that know and don't care. So please understand that records, background checks are just that and a person needs to do more communicating upfront.

No, I opted not to do a background check on that guy that was doing all of that, because I was getting to know him. The only reason I did it after was to see that the 4th ex-wife that he had painted as a bad person to see she wasn't lying about him. I'm not saying not to take precaution, but again back to my point that you walked all around, many criminals do things without getting caught. And the courts mess up often, so I'm not always trusting what the courts say. They let rapists, some that commit homicide walk free,bad cops that beat their wives, etc. So again it's not all about checking court records.

And one other thing I learned about people's perception of the "TRUTH" it definitely depends on their vision, reality, and perception. Just like a mirror, there are 2 sides, potentially 3, the reflection, the vision, and even the middle or the back. Truth is truth, but some people's version can be skewed.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 618
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/19/2014 10:15:43 AM
I only read the last few pages...

But what did we do before the internet? Did your grandparents, or even parents do background checks on each other? Some of you came from families where there were problems, but those of you who had grandparents who were together for 60+ years, they couldn't do any research on each other but turned out just fine.

You don't need to search for people on google, you don't need to be one of the extremes who actually pay for background checks, just use common sense.

Also, every criminal has a first crime. Maybe he's never raped someone before, or shown any signs that he would ever do anything like that. No restraining orders, no harassment or assault record. He was the perfect guy. But then one day, something just snaps and he decides you two are having sex, whether you want to or not.

But then there's people who went to jail for rape, but while they were there, ended up becoming very religious, understood what they did wrong and why they're there, some have even become activists against rape and helping women who went through it.

The past is the past. Don't rely on google or facebook to tell you who you're dating. Rely on communicating, and learning the types of body language that typically come with lying or being honest. Listen to how they talk. Stop basing life on the internet and really talk to these other people.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 619
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/19/2014 11:08:20 AM
Posted by YingKissesYang:
"No shet shirlock. I think we are talking about normal people checking to be sure there new meet and greet is healthy and normal. No one said "personal alarms are already sounding". If they did, well, thank you accepted in advance."

Calm down. Why are you quoting and then addressing me personally above?
My post was entirely general in nature and not directed at you.
Additionally, I have been participating in this long thread from PAGE ONE at its inception.
 PrettyBr0wneyed1
Joined: 8/29/2013
Msg: 620
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/19/2014 11:36:16 AM

I only read the last few pages...

But what did we do before the internet? Did your grandparents, or even parents do background checks on each other? Some of you came from families where there were problems, but those of you who had grandparents who were together for 60+ years, they couldn't do any research on each other but turned out just fine.

You don't need to search for people on google, you don't need to be one of the extremes who actually pay for background checks, just use common sense.

Also, every criminal has a first crime. Maybe he's never raped someone before, or shown any signs that he would ever do anything like that. No restraining orders, no harassment or assault record. He was the perfect guy. But then one day, something just snaps and he decides you two are having sex, whether you want to or not.

But then there's people who went to jail for rape, but while they were there, ended up becoming very religious, understood what they did wrong and why they're there, some have even become activists against rape and helping women who went through it.

The past is the past. Don't rely on google or facebook to tell you who you're dating. Rely on communicating, and learning the types of body language that typically come with lying or being honest. Listen to how they talk. Stop basing life on the internet and really talk to these other people.


Exactly!!!! I totally agree with everything you stated. Common sense died at the birth of social media and people relying mostly on computer searches. Communication and common sense play a huge part, but many do not grasp that at all.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 621
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/19/2014 11:48:15 AM
to answer the latest question technically...in small towns, gossip WAS the version of the Internet :) In school, of course, you could ask a classmate "what they knew", and outside of school, you could still drop a hint you were interested in someone, and you could hear the rumors going 'round. As much as people hate gossip, they always begin with a seed of truth. You just have to ignore the exaggeration. I never met a good person who got gossipped about--they were too boring to have anything juicy to build on :)

still, relying on body language and actually frigging listening to the words coming out of another person's mouth, and being enough of a "Rennaissance Man" to know they are spinning castles out of the air is a dying art. Technology isn't the factor killing it, technology just allows us to be who we really are.

If you're self-focused, all you are looking for is what you want to get. you aren't looking at what's really there. But then, if you're self focused, its hard to tell the other person is self-focused--they're only acting the way you act, and you think that's perfectly normal since you do it, too.
 AndieJ68
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 622
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/20/2014 10:06:17 AM
I work with SEN Children and as part of my job even my own children have to have a CRB so i am not allowed a BF near the house in or out of working hrs unless he has a full check so dating is difficult as i need to be away from home yet in a safe place... and who can afford the pub every night or the pictures etc.. so if i had a bf from POF and we got serious we would need to talk about a crb... if he refused ...run... x
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 623
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/20/2014 10:21:16 AM

Posted by andiej68:
"I work with SEN Children and as part of my job even my own children have to have a CRB so i am not allowed a BF near the house in or out of working hrs unless he has a full check so dating is difficult as i need to be away from home yet in a safe place... and who can afford the pub every night or the pictures etc.. so if i had a bf from POF and we got serious we would need to talk about a crb... if he refused ...run"

He would need to get his full ID to you PDQ if not ASAP so you don't need to go AWOL from your job.
AFAIK, if he can't adhere to these P's and Q's you will have no choice but to AMSCRAM by EOD...TGIF.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 624
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/20/2014 11:45:34 AM

But what did we do before the internet?... many of them unwittingly got into abusive relationships with drunkards, con artists, or married people, and cried their hearts out or worse when the truth became known.


I'm sure women nowadays are very appreciative of the internet, avoiding all of the sub-par men and all marrying a Mr. Wonderful. Don't you see all of the joy women express here, happily divorced and cheerfully looking for another guy more perfect than the last guy they dumped or got dumped from? All of the bitterness many women spew is just an act. How can you be bitter when you have the internet to create your perfect, fantasy world with a perfect partner?
 NJgirl116
Joined: 8/11/2013
Msg: 625
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/20/2014 12:03:23 PM
I used to know a girl who worked at my local diner and she met a guy there. He was smitten by her but did a background check on her. When she found out, she thought it was hilarious. They're married now.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 626
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/20/2014 12:53:01 PM

gtomustang:
I never met a good person who got gossipped about--they were too boring to have anything juicy to build on .


I have to strongly disagree with this. You list yourself as a Christian. So, you would have to agree that Jesus Christ was a Good Person, & I bet he was gossiped about.
 Sonic98
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 627
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/29/2014 9:04:37 AM
Doing a background check on someone is overboard. You have to do the work to find out who the person you're dating really is and not just get caught up in the moment of what seems like a good relationship. Whether you do background checks or not, there should be some red flags. Plus, you could do a background check and not find out what you need to find out anyway. A background check won't tell you if they've dated women and get money from them in the past. You won't know if he is a player. You'll probably find out if they have a violent or criminal past but most of the bad stuff people have their ways of hiding it.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 628
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 5/29/2014 10:27:15 PM
I have nothing to hide, but please don't take a picture of my license plate before I drive you to a comedy club. WTF?!

If you're not comfortable getting in my car, then don't get in my car.
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