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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Iredurbio2
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 51
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 3 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
g rock.Welcome to the real world.If there is a way to get an accurate no holds barred background check for anyone about anyone my suggestion would be to put in a nice clear plastic crush proof envelope. In the future any new dates
can read it while your picking up the witness for your date(I would think using the same witness for all your dates is
the best idea.)Get yourself a blood work up done.See if they can put a DNA on a key fob.It would make a nice gift.
 niceguyga2011
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 52
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 8:49:00 PM
When living in Miami in the 80s, I knew a woman that ran credit checks on every guy she got involved with. And to be honest, based on my experiences and what I've heard, not necessarily a bad idea. I'd be on the fence about it though.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 53
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 10:50:08 PM
Well... here's the thing. The one thing she wanted out of me.... was total honesty. And that's exactly what I gave.... total honesty. And when she told me about the background check... I felt betrayed. Again... I understand about why she did it... for her safety. That can't be changed. All I'm saying is she should've been more honest about it. Had she been up front about it... I would've stayed, guaranteed. In fact, I would've paid for the background check myself... just as proof that I had nothing to hide. They didn't give me that chance. They should've given me that chance.

As far as me being with her now... not happening. I've tried apologizing to her several times since then... and nothing in return. I've even admitted to her that I messed up by not being considerate of her safety and her feelings about it.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 54
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 2:05:43 AM
Oh I hear you on that. I'm just wondering whatever happened to good old-fashioned trusting? It's like nowadays, nobody trusts anyone or anything. To me, that's sad.
 niceguyga2011
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 55
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:00:22 AM
It's not only men that can be scary, I've dated a few nut cases myself.

Plus if it's too good to be true, it probably isnt.

I don't trust a word I see on the internet,
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 56
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:08:11 AM

It's not only men that can be scary, I've dated a few nut cases myself.

Plus if it's too good to be true, it probably isnt.

I don't trust a word I see on the internet,


If that's the case, then I'm better off leaving my profile on here blank, and just leave everything up to actually me telling women about myself. Which is something I'm way much better at than writing about myself.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 57
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:16:15 AM
Any person that requires they do a background check on every single person they meet or date has deep insecurity issues. A woman does that to me and I kick her to the curb so fast the squirrels on the street corner will be going "WTF?".

It is one thing to do a backgound check on someone you are going to become exclusive with, or STD testing, but the person needs to be honest about it upfront and communicate with you.

"As far as me being with her now... not happening. I've tried apologizing to her several times since then... and nothing in return. I've even admitted to her that I messed up by not being considerate of her safety and her feelings about it."

Don't apologize for other people's unusual behavior. I only apologize if I know I did something wrong. This woman is 100% wrong not you, so when you apologize for something someone else did you come off as a doormat.

Don't be a doormat.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 58
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:25:26 AM

Any person that requires they do a background check on every single person they meet or date has deep insecurity issues. A woman does that to me and I kick her to the curb so fast the squirrels on the street corner will be going "WTF?".

It is one thing to do a backgound check on someone you are going to become exclusive with, or STD testing, but the person needs to be honest about it upfront and communicate with you.

"As far as me being with her now... not happening. I've tried apologizing to her several times since then... and nothing in return. I've even admitted to her that I messed up by not being considerate of her safety and her feelings about it."

Don't apologize for other people's unusual behavior. I only apologize if I know I did something wrong. This woman is 100% wrong not you, so when you apologize for something someone else did you come off as a doormat.

Don't be a doormat. [/qoute]

You're right.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 59
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:33:05 AM
Dating is supposed to be about balance. Yes I can provide my information for a background check, but as Panderic alluded to earlier in this thread, then my safety is compromised. It is a two way street.

Trust is built, not earned, this is why we go on dates to slowly build this up. A background check doesn't bother me if we are to become an exclusive couple or before marriage. That is fine.

A background check on every single person I meet or date that highly likely I will never see again? That is extreme. Probably more dangerous to turn the key in the ignition of your car and drive then meet with people in public places.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 60
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:37:58 AM

Just because something is not recorded, does not mean you are safe. And just because something IS recorded, doesn't mean it's true. A lot of people are falsely arrested and can't afford a good attorney to represent them. Background Checks are good but not totally always accurate. If something comes up, it should be up for discussion before you judge. The person may have learned from their error or it may not even be true. Do not give up a Diamond just because of a background check. Look at it and then question its validity.


This is the best advice I have seen....

I have zero issue with background check, credit history, blood tests, personality tests... etc

I only ask that it be transparent and the actual documents are shared with me... I also ask to conduct my own due diligence as well.... If there are concerns... then a convo is required.... but not a one sided decision.....

If you cant as two adults engage in a discovery process with fairness and a sense of tolerance to a less than ideal past on both parts.... then there is something seriously wrong with one or both persons.... at the same time the embarrassment of discovery and rejection is better upfront and no wasted time or further damaged emotions when sooner or later the truth is revealed...

G-Rock..... your constant resistance and effort to off put/ counter balance this question triggers MY own nutter/psycho/BS/issues/ etc alarms.... good luck with that.... ps do a google search on your name here.... see what you find...
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 61
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:32:15 AM

Oh I hear you on that. I'm just wondering whatever happened to good old-fashioned trusting? It's like nowadays, nobody trusts anyone or anything. To me, that's sad.


What makes you think people trusted people in the past? They didn’t. They knew each other and each other’s families, or had friends or extended family who knew them. People checked each other out, or already knew.


G-Rock..... your constant resistance and effort to off put/ counter balance this question triggers MY own nutter/psycho/BS/issues/ etc alarms.... good luck with that....


Me too. The only men I’ve known who insisted that I should trust them definitely had issues.
 niceguyga2011
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 62
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:37:54 AM
I don't see what the issue is. You do what you feel comfortable with, just consider the source. you gather what you can and hope for the best.
 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 63
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:41:59 AM
Look in the real world people lie an can lie about all kinds of things even down to hair color an eye color..

nowdays doing a bit of a checkup whether it background or facebook/twitter on possible date or mate is NOT all a bad thing especially if that person is giving you a werid vibe or something seems off with their stories,,

AND YES in some cases what the person finds out can be jaw dropping an the person is left sighing in relief that they found out sooner rather then later or some literally dam near dodged a bullet real or not..

oh sure you can do things the old way just chit chat an over time grow trust an learn more about that person in question..hell theres nothing wrong with that..

but with so much s hit in the world happening more an more each day there is nothing wrong with being 2 steps ahead an there is nothing insecure about wanting to know what type of person you maybe dealing with or allowing into your home or life an bed in some cases..

there are way to many self proclaimed nice guys who pitch their speech every 30seconds about how sweet an trusting they are when most of the time this act is just a ploy to lure women in,there are to many fake nice guys using this rap only to be the devil disguise...


as the saying goes actions speak louder then words an time will tell an if somebody really is a nice person with a kind spot in their heart they WONT whine or pitch their speech every 30 seconds just because a woman they may have known for 30minutes or 2 weeks isnt hanging off their every word an not giving them unconditional trust

a REAL nice guy knows that this kind of thing takes time an will understand especially a woman who has been through some rough bull s hit that she wont be quick to say ok here is my soul i believe everything you say just because you gave me the BUT im a nice guy line with in 24hours..

sure not every guy is a ***hole

but not every self proclaimed nice guy, is really nice either

yes life is full of risk an chance but if a person has the option to hopefully avoid a mistake or encounter that they may regret by getting info before hand,that is a great thing..

like others have said 90% of the time a person isnt going to be like yes i just got out of prison yes im a dead beat parent yes i treat people like s hit an yes im lying to you right now..

good for you that your record came back clean BONUS!!

would you have been this upset if it would have came back dirty if you had a bad past an in reverse she would have found you to be a convicted felon or something eles would you then have pitched a fit about OH well i woulda told her or it isnt that important i only lied because i know she wouldnt have talked to me if i would have said all that..me thinks so..


by the way she did give you a chance you was still all good till you screwed it up in your words so to speak


G-ROCK1980

As far as me being with her now... not happening. I've tried apologizing to her several times since then... and nothing in return. I've even admitted to her that I messed up by not being considerate of her safety and her feelings about it.



I messed up by not being considerate of her safety and her feelings about it..

WOW mr sensitivity you feel violated by a simple back check that turned up clean,

yet she an her mother where the ones who got assaulted an physically violated an your off in fairytale land about how life is an should be an on a rant about somebody wanting to be safe rather then sorry because your words of gold werent taken seriously..an you had no consideration for her safety an feelings about things..

funny looks like MR.NICE GUY anit so nice after all...
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 64
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:42:22 AM
Dating is supposed to be about balance. Yes I can provide my information for a background check, but as Panderic alluded to earlier in this thread, then my safety is compromised. It is a two way street.

Trust is built, not earned, this is why we go on dates to slowly build this up. A background check doesn't bother me if we are to become an exclusive couple or before marriage. That is fine.

A background check on every single person I meet or date that highly likely I will never see again? That is extreme. Probably more dangerous to turn the key in the ignition of your car and drive then meet with people in public places


I have never done a background check on any one. Most of the people I have met are pretty upfront about their past. In fact, one guy told me during our first meeting that he had some "issues" with the legal system. I appreciated his honesty and I still went out on more dates with him. I'm far from perfect myself so I don't expect perfection.

But, the last guy, he was lying about his past in an attempt to get me to trust him and re-write history. There's a big difference between the two guys I describe. One is a decent guy, the other is mental.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 65
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:53:58 AM
Grow up dude.

If I was going to conduct a background check, I would not tell the person. What if you find some really creepy things?

Personally, I have never been in the position to where I felt I needed to conduct one. I'd rather ask questions. Get a feel about their life. If too much is too strange. Goodbye.

But I am a guy. Usually the people you have to worry about are not women, but men. So if a woman feels the need to conduct one to feel safe. Go for it. Feeling safe is an important thing for most women.
 niceguyga2011
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 66
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:57:23 AM
I'm leery of the folks mentioning a running a background checks of just what you are getting. I used to own a series of rental properties, I always did background checks, there was a company specifically that did this. However I always had to supply at a minimum, a SSN Nbr & DOB, and typically a driver license nbr.

And a few years ago, I found that my primary user id was also used by a guy in Britain, so if you googled my user id, you received my stuff and his. Let's just say he lead a very interesting lifestyle & interests. For example you would see what forums we belonged too. How I found it he was in Britain, I looked at his stuff, it was all in England.

Another time I worked with a guy that had the exact same name as a famous female adult actor. She let it slip out in Playboy where her home base was, which was the same city my coworker lived in. It was a mess for him, constantly changing his nbr, even when unlisted, letters/packages would come to his house etc. Once she came into town doing autograph session at local strip club, I went with him, waited in line etc. When finally his turn, he said do you know how much trouble you have caused me, we all got a good laugh. I swear I think she would have given him some action to make up for it.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 67
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 9:07:57 AM
Just for the record... before I had gone through this situation, I had never had a background check done on me by a potential gf ever. And I admit... I over-reacted with it. But do you blame me for being a first-timer with that? Put yourself in the situation. And imagine you're dating a man/woman. And everything thing's going just fine. Things are going smoothly, and then BAM! The man or woman tells you that a background check was done on you. And this comes to you, roughly 2 months into the relationship. Not on the first day, not after the first week... but 2 months after. Imagine that, and then tell me how you'd feel.

Me... I felt like my trust had been betrayed, plain and simple. if I'm wrong for having that emotion... all I gotta say is excuse me for being a human being that ACTUALLY feels emotion. Sorry for wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I'm a believer in love. And in my book... a secretive background check, although done with good intentions, is a betrayal of one's trust. If you disagree with me.... that's fine. I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

I am who I am... and I'm not ashamed.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 68
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 9:08:29 AM
maybe he should change his name to guido.... it won't be worse...

G-.... maybe if she said... "I am starting to have deeper feelings for you and want a reality check of my emotions... so I am going to get a background check as a step to a deeper level and I will share the results with you" Is that better now?? or would you freeze and run???
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 69
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 9:21:44 AM

maybe he should change his name to guido.... it won't be worse...

G-.... maybe if she said... "I am starting to have deeper feelings for you and want a reality check of my emotions... so I am going to get a background check as a step to a deeper level and I will share the results with you" Is that better now?? or would you freeze and run???



Honestly.... I was expecting her to say that. And had she... I wouldn't have run. As a matter of fact, I wasn't the one who ran... she did. She ran from the situation, all because I got pissed and refused to communicate with me.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 70
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 9:47:43 AM
ok then... your actions frightened her.... your bad... lesson learned.... move on.... stop blame shifting
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 71
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/5/2013 10:24:01 AM
I think if you have to perform a background check on everyone you meet well you shouldn't date or even leave the house, do you perform a background check on someone you meet at a social function or if a fellow employee asks you out?

I get it if you become exclusive and wants to take it to the next level that I get but dating or before you meet someone? that tells me your critical thinking skills are poor at best and you really lacking in common sense.

Ive heard the stories about people saying their ex abused them but if you really look back there were red flags that YOU chose to ignore, I dont condone physical or emotional abuse but lets be real here how many times did you ignore red flags for the sake of keeping the relationship together?

Ive had people google me and you wont find a bad thing about me but as soon as they told me they googled me Im gone, Ive been fortunate that I haven't met a lot of psychos , weirdos , criminals etc, but then I use my common sense the good lord gave me, by the way I know a few Lawyers , cops and one Provincial judge that can pass any background check and these guys are the biggest poon chasers known to mankind.
 Dili_gent
Joined: 1/8/2011
Msg: 72
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/6/2013 9:20:15 PM
The really scary thing is that these women think that a Google search, a local or state search, will expose a "dangerous" person. It is a false security. To do an accurate backround check you need to hire a detective, and (as mentioned in previous posts) get a SSN, DOB and driver's license. Then maybe you will get accurate results.

These women think they are safe (maybe their gut tells them than something is hinkey), they do a cheesy search and then let their guard down. This is the perfect time for an abuser to attack.

With all of the scammers out there, there is no way I will risk my credit by offering my SSN and similiar identifying info. They could rip me off.

This is similar to the women who say, " I had sex with the guy and he was gone. He told me he loved me, but he is gone."

People move too fast to be safe anymore.

If you want to move fast, it appears that you will suffer the consequences.
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 73
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:36:37 AM
The really scary thing is that these women think that a Google search, a local or state search, will expose a "dangerous" person. It's a false sense of security.
Agreed. These online agencies sometimes do more harm than good.

To do an accurate backround check you need to hire a detective, and (as mentioned in previous posts) get a SSN, DOB and driver's license.
Only partially true. With a GOOD investigator, who knows what he's doing, you only need one of those things. Every other piece of information you can give them to flesh out the person helps, and will increase informational output. Sometimes it takes a bit longer. I have once pointed out a face on the street and gave the name that I was given. In a week, I had everything I needed and more. That was back in the 90s, systems are much more sophisticated now and personal information much easier to obtain.

These women think they are safe (maybe their gut tells them than something is hinkey), they do a cheesy search and then let their guard down. This is the perfect time for an abuser to attack.
Agreed. Much safer to trust their guts and cut loose. It also saves the cost of whatever "investigation" they might initiate.

With all of the scammers out there, there is no way I will risk my credit by offering my SSN and similiar identifying info. They could rip me off.
Agreed again. You should NEVER offer your SSN, However, someone who wants it badly enough and has reason can get it anyway.

People move too fast to be safe anymore.

If you want to move fast, it appears that you will suffer the consequences.
Enough said. Go slow. Take it easy. There is always time.

If it's truly there: Trust, but... verify.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 74
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 3:23:21 AM

To do an accurate backround check you need to hire a detective, and (as mentioned in previous posts) get a SSN, DOB and driver's license


The thing with this though... is that if any man/woman was to ask for this info for a date... there could be a chance that they're doing it for ID Theft. Am I wrong about that?
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 75
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 3:49:41 AM
Personally, I think you may want to do the same. It levels the playing field, and I've known a few girls that has one too many restraining orders that they had dished out to guys. The last thing I need is a girl like that in my residence.
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