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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
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 sunsunsun4
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 76
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 4 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
I would understand if someone did a background check. It indicates high self esteem. I think your girlfriend made a mistake in telling you, because I think it would create paranoia in almost anyone.

We all check on each other to some extent. I would rather a potential mate get a professional to quietly check my history (such as my absence of criminal record), than have them create gossip by asking questions of a bunch of people themselves. I will not tolerate people who go behind my back to my community.

Again, I understand her reasoning. Her mistake was in informing you. There's a thing as "too much honesty." I experienced that once, when I trusted a friend to sit my dog. When I got back, she told me about the horrible day the dog got out of the yard. So now and then I shudder to think what could have happened. I don't need those images in my brain.

Your ex was not "relationship savvy" in more than one way!
 434handyman
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 77
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 4:25:08 AM
Guys, come on. Every woman has the right to protect themselves and there are some asswhipes out there who are abusive, excellent, decievers. What are you afraid of when you have a woman who can think for herself? Sounds like you have insecurity issues. I have had women do this to me many times and it actually makes everything better when they can be at ease and unafraid.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 78
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 7:45:27 AM
If a person feels that he/she has to conduct a background check, then the honourable, dignified thing to do would be to recognize that he/she is not ready to date, and get therapy. There's nothing wrong with being concerned for your safety, but the *IS* something wrong with visiting the penalty for bad circumstances on a person who had *NOTHING TO DO* with those circumstances.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 79
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 7:48:56 AM

(privat33r) grow the funk up, if you wanna dunk your oreos in the dark you have to let this type of miniscule irritation go. If mom wants to consult a Ouiji board, witchdoctor or an Iphone app about whether you're a keeper take it as a good sign. Baron Samedi said you were okay.. getting your intestines twisted around because they were snooping through completely obselencent bullhunk internet twertle is infantile. Don't get caught in that.


Thing is, people like the OP's GF's mother, will never be satisfied with a positive result: she'll keep on digging, looking for *ANYTHING*, and blowing *EVERYTHING* out of proportion ("Your new boyfriend is left-handed! Your LAST abusive boyfriend was ALSO left-handed! RUN NOW!")
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 80
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 7:51:07 AM
(motown_cowgirl) you poor thing.

look at it this way. if you bought a used car from a local dealer ...


A BF/GF relationship is not a business transaction. Really, why do people insist on making stupid comparisons?


(Indira46) I wouldn't feel like a criminal. I have a copy of my background check that I use at work. My dates can have a look if they like.


Being willing to voluntarily give others private, personal information is significantly different than having someone snoop into your background without your knowledge.


(Aww-Ree) You might have a differing point of view G-ROCK if your "world" was suddenly turned upside down by someone who used violence against you or someone you love.


The difference being, I'm pretty sure G-ROCK wouldn't hold the entire rest of the world responsible for what one psycho did to him.


(MoonchildMN) Well men, I have one question for you to think about. If you were married and had kids, then later divorced would you like your ex wife to trust blindly and bring someone into your childrens lives that she met online without doing any kind of a check on him? Would you be happy to know that she just took a "chance" with him?

Believe me, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the people out there who don't have the same good intentions as you. Seriously, quit feeling sorry for yourself.


If my ex-wife was a total lame-brain, then your argument might hold water. However, my ex-wife is not unintelligent, and tends to make good choices (other than divorcing me, that is...), so your question makes no sense.


(Stubidoo) I have no problem with women running background checks. In fact, I will give the all the information they need to do so if they ask and if I found out that they did.. they have my blessing. Good for them.


*YOU* may be comfortable with invasions of privacy; not everyone is.

This entire thread is why some people should neve date... :facepalm:
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 81
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:06:23 AM
OMG! Ladies do a background check! Their pf is not going to say sex offender on it. Some of these freaks are very charming and intuition is not 100% but never ignore your gut either. Here's how to do it. All u need is his first and last name and DOB. Go to your state circut court access online and if he has a record it will show up. These guys say u shouldn't do that because they don't have to worry about being raped!! do u think he is going to tell u he served 2 yrs for beating a gf half to death? And don't think u r too smart to fall for some one like that, my sister works in a woman's shelter and meets really smart women with black eyes all the time, who then find out he has done it before, so do the check!!!
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 82
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:18:50 AM
I have to laugh at some of you folks with the super cautious " oh lets do a background check" LOL, if you're that paranoid dont date, do you perform a background check on guys you meet in a bar or dance?

I hear " oh you have to be careful" yeah okay, you have be careful when you drive or walk across the street, sure there are psychos out there, but most of you dont use your common sense the good Lord gave you, Ive been using Online dating off and on for 3 years or so and Ive never met one psycho, weirdo or freak.

Ive had a lot of them email me but I use my gut feeling and weed a lot of them out, I see a Gorgeous woman and shes been on the site for years right there tells me there is a problem.I was on this site two years ago and I see the same people so when they email me I politely decline their request to chat because I know something is up.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 83
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:26:00 AM
And... she proves that she doesn't trust anyone.
^^^
Can you blame her?

This is a woman who was physically beaten and her mom was beaten by the same man!
They probably did the background check to because they felt you were too good to be true.
When she said it came back perfect, I gather it's her way of saying she trusts you.
I would just say although you are upset they did this behind your back, you understand and ask they be upfront with any questions or concerns they have. From this point on, they should respect this request.



Communication and understanding.
It ain't rocket science
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 84
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:28:57 AM
StrangeDreams & Arlo... thank you! THAT IS THE POINT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET AT WITH THIS THREAD! :-D

Still... no one has actually answered the question that appears as the title of this thread:

Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?

It's a simple yes or no question. We all know that there are psychos, weirdos and such out there... and with that a background check may or may not be the best idea. But... if it's done, should it be considered as a sign of insecurity?
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 85
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:35:54 AM

Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
YES, and a Hell Yeah, insecurity, paranoia, lack of trust and their ability to pick good mates is complete broken.

One poster said its because she was abused and her mother abused and beaten, okay I dont like to hear stuff like that but do you really think a background check would have prevented this? I know Cops and lawyers that could pass any background check and they are the biggest dogs out there.

As much as I sympathize with these women , I think its time to sit down with a therapist and resolve these issues before you attempt to date.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 86
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:59:10 AM

Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?

Insecurity is when you don't think you're pretty enough. This isn't an insecurity issue, it's a trust issue.



One poster said its because she was abused and her mother abused and beaten, okay I dont like to hear stuff like that

Don't like to hear stuff like that? Then keep your head in the sand.

To anyone who has ever been beaten by a significant other, tell me that doing a background check on future mates has ever crossed your mind? It's human to think this. Natural to develop trust issues.


I think its time to sit down with a therapist and resolve these issues before you attempt to date.

I agree!


Op, sounds to me you aren't emotionally equipped to deal with a woman who has dealt with domestic abuse if you are going to be offended by a background check. IMO
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 87
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 9:14:49 AM

Still... no one has actually answered the question that appears as the title of this thread:

Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?

I thought the portion of my reply indicating that I think it's insecure to be bothered by it was a pretty strong "No."

If that wasn't clear enough: No.
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 88
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 9:17:51 AM

Insecurity is when you don't think you're pretty enough. This isn't an insecurity issue, it's a trust issue.
good point, insecurity is the wrong word .


Don't like to hear stuff like that? Then keep your head in the sand.
I prefer my head somewhere else , okay back to the topic .


To anyone who has ever been beaten by a significant other, tell me that doing a background check on future mates has ever crossed your mind? It's human to think this. Natural to develop trust issues.
And what do you think a background check is going to tell them, so lets say they passed they dont have a criminal record, they are not a sexual predator, then what? you're going to tell me that because a person passes makes them a qualified person to date? that is naive.

A guy I play baseball with has a STD, the guy is a Lawyer, partner in a firm, been on TV a few times, comes across as a nice guy but this guy has women on the side and he is a pig, He can pass any background check and I feel sorry for the women that gets involved with him all because he dresses nice, good profession and has money and hes not bad looking.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 89
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 9:22:48 AM

Insecurity is when you don't think you're pretty enough. This isn't an insecurity issue, it's a trust issue.
good point, insecurity is the wrong word


Lack of trust = insecure

You have to be secure with yourself, before you can trust anyone. Anyone disagree with that?
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 90
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 9:43:40 AM

You have to be secure with yourself, before you can trust anyone.

I don't know... seems to me an awful lot of insecure people are, if anything, far too trusting, because they're so eager for affection and acceptance.

This wouldn't prove the converse in any case though.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 91
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 10:40:37 AM
Wow the people on here who say yes it is trust issues have lived nice sheltered lives and are lucky to have done so! Or are way over confident and not living in the real world.

So the answer is NO NO NO! Be smart use your head and don't tell women not to pop online for a minute and do a quick circut court check! The rapests out there are counting on the attitude you have they can't rape some one who won't see them because now you know what they have done. Ladies don't bury your head in the sand, they do exist and your chances of meeting one may not be good but give your self even less of a chance and do a quick check!!!! I guess i have seen it and she wasn't any more foolish then the rest of you just less lucky!!!!
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 92
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 10:47:07 AM
It is funny before seeing this thread i assumed every one did a quick check, because it seems so foolish not too. Yes btw u should do a check on that really nice guy you meet where ever too! Don't get stuck in thinking it could never happen to me, they all think that until it does, just talk to some one it has happend too.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 93
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 11:11:58 AM
And another thing! It would be paraniod if it never or almost never happend. For those of u who think it is being paranoid just watch your local paper in the arrests section. Sexual assult doesn't make the front page. Chances r there will be more assaults and domestics then car crashes reported!! The fact is the thought of rape is so icky we would like to think it isnt a problem
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 94
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 11:41:37 AM
Sorry Ksayer, you're paranoid, if you think the majority of men are like that , then why are you using the site?
the truth is a small percentage of degenerates use online dating, and more on free dating sites, that is why online dating sites should be used as another avenue for meeting someone, and using common sense is a good thing.

To check out everyone you meet online before you meet is not being cautious its being ultra paranoid and it tells me the critical thinking skills are poor.

I know a few attractive women on line , even on this very site its amazing that none of them meets creeps and degenerates, I know one woman who is 37, has two kids shes been using this site for 5 months and just recently started dating this guy , she met 12 guys before this one came along , shes made it perfectly clear hes not meeting her kids right away and he made it clear to her that she isn't meeting his daughter yet.

Since he happens to work for a firm on Bay Street , lives on his own,drives and is financially independent there are no red flags popping up, hes been more than a perfect gentleman to her and they go out and do things in public and not end up at each others place.

Degenerates for the most part are easy to pick out, the problem is most people dont have the skills or refuse to acknowledge red flags for fear of being alone and would rather "enable" these degenerates.

Background checks will weed out those that have been caught, not the degenerates that knows how to manipulate the system, case in point the example I gave in a earlier post.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 95
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 11:57:42 AM
Strangedreams, i dont think most men are like that at all!! I by no means said that. But they r out there. Take the time to actually read what i said. If u have a sister daughter and doing a quick circit court search would give her even a 1% less likely chance of being raped wouldn't u tell her to do it? His privicy? What does he have to hide? There are tons of good men out there that doesn't mean there are not bad ones. So guys don't take it personal or think she is being paranoid because another disturbing fact if you know more then 4 women chances r u know some one who has been raped! Just because they r not talking about it at dinner parties doesn't mean it doesn't happen soo be safe!!!!
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 96
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:08:30 PM
U do bring up a great point...... Only the ones who get caught show up so just because he isnt on there doesnt mean he is safe and u should run right over to his house. Too many women don't report it and that sucks. But too many people want to bury there heads because if they don't it is just too disturbing! And thanks to people like you, strange dreams. if they tell and people find out then she is afraid they will think she is a fool or stupid. Thinking u can never be fooled is foolish!
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 97
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:28:53 PM

Too many women don't report it and that sucks. But too many people want to bury there heads because if they don't it is just too disturbing! And thanks to people like you, strange dreams. if they tell and people find out then she is afraid they will think she is a fool or stupid. Thinking u can never be fooled is foolish!
Well then whose fault is that? if a woman was attacked and she doesn't report it well who is to blame for that? but to live her life paranoid isnt healthy either.

Im all for reporting, I know it goes on out there and if more people report it and those degenerates things can change, me personally I dont have a issue with background checks if I was exclusive with someone or moving to the next stage of the relationship Im all for it, but to do a check on me before you meet me? or do it behind my back that screams " trust issues" and people like you with trust issues only gets worse as time goes on.

I guess Im different from you , I meet people get to know them watch for the red flags, they dont come to my place until we have gone out at least a month or so and I dont go to her place either, we go out in public, get to know each other, go out for drinks to see how she handles her alcohol, meet a couple of her friends etc. I know a few women that does the same thing
its their way of weeding out who is out for a piece of ass and who is serious.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 98
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:56:34 PM
I dont have trust issues and count my self fortunate to have never had that happen. But trust me u get to know a woman who has and as a woman u will take the precausions u can and there is an easy and accessible one just a website away. Do u think women who take self defence classes or carry mace are paraniod too? R u a man or a woman btw, strange dreams?
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 99
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 1:03:47 PM
Oh your male, ok makes more sense now. What r u afraid your date will find if she looks up you court records? If the answer is nothing, then what is the big deal it is just another procaution and u seem all for women playing it safe?
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 100
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 1:44:24 PM
Maybe you should learn how to read Ksayer, what did I actually say? let me break it down for you so you wont be left scratching your head.

1) I dont have a problem with anyone doing a background search on me once we become exclusive etc.
2) I have a problem with anyone doing a background search on me before we meet or behind my back because I think they are paranoid and I dont want be around someone with Trust issues or paranoia because in most cases they have poor critical thinking skills.
3) The only thing you will find when you search my name is Im a partner in a company with nice revenues and assets , where I was educated and a seminar I was speaking at last year so nothing bad, but its not something I want some woman I barely know to find out about me by searching me out.

4) I'm all for safety, but too many of you paranoid folks refuses to take responsibilities for your experiences and like to blame other for your mishaps, while I wont downplay sexual abuses etc because it happens , I asked you if you that to all the people you meet not online either?
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