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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
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 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 101
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 5 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
Doing the check before a first date would be the best time because if need be you can completely avoid it. makes sense right? As btw way more women are date raped then the whole pumping out of the bushes thing.

I do checks on some one i just met any where, it takes only a minute :)

So u r saying u dont like the check because she can find out u have money? Well if we should be expected to spot a rapest u must be able to spot a gold digger, right ;)
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 102
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 2:19:03 PM
Again you're missing the point, second I dont go out with gold diggers fortunately most of them are easy to spot, and more women are date raped? and why do you think that is? you think a background check is going decrease your chances?

As I said earlier I know Lawyers and Cops who are the biggest dogs on earth, could pass any background check that doesn't mean that they are the cream of the crop.

I bet if a man did a background search on you and found out your address , place of work, what you do for work you will be up in arms and running to your congressman and trying to get him or her to pass the " ksayer1" background check bill into law.

If you can spot a rapist from a background check please send the reports over to law enforcement because they can get them off the street faster.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 103
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 2:37:30 PM
If a stalker showed up at my house i would shoot him. Plain and simple

Send it to the police......... The is a whole other can of worms. The guys with records have been caught at least once get out and re-offend. Why are they let out? I have no idea and their sentences are no where near long enough and there is a huge percentage of them who re-offend.

So please do the check ladies!!!!

After all, we are not all as perfect as strangedreams is ;)
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 104
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 2:51:22 PM
You would shoot a stalker for showing up at your house? okay then so you dont like it when a guy does a background check on you? funny how that works.

I dont want someone doing a background check on me for the simple purpose of its invading my privacy, I have nothing to hide but I dont want some crazy chick showing up at my place .

I'm not perfect but I use common sense Ksayer.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 105
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 3:11:35 PM
Strangedreams i never said i dont want some one doing a background check on me, go ahead i have nothing to hide. If a stalker wants to find you they will with or with out the internet as they did exist before the web.

As far as shooting a stalker i would put a warning round in the dirt first ;)

Again it makes the most sense to do a check before a first date, dont you think?

Sure why not tell him before you do it but if he says ok do the check anyway, he could be calling your bluff. A guy i met in a bar not that long ago, told me about a bogus domestic he was charged with and it was dropped and he ended the story with ''incase you look me up'' and i had not mentioned or done it yet. Lol i did look him up and it was the truth :)

I get the invasion of privacy. But it is another way to protect your self. My saftey out weighs your privacy.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 106
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 3:34:54 PM
Do u think women who take self defence classes or carry mace are paraniod too?


No, those actually are the smartest and best methods because they prepare a woman to take care of herself in the event anything happens anywhere (not just on a date) , and they don't involve anyone else unless necessary (to protect herself if she needs to), and they don't invade anyone's privacy.
 Bratty_to_the_core
Joined: 1/18/2013
Msg: 107
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 3:35:50 PM
from the comments that I am reading you are not really asking for people's thoughts ... you are merely looking for validation from other men on how you feel .. that being said ...

I have done extensive volunteer work which involved criminal checks and child abuse registry search. I have no issue with this since I am involved with children and adults at risk.

I value my family, myself and children of family as much as strangers ..... so the answer is YES.

If a man sounds like we have a potential for a relationship, I will advise him that in the future, I will be asking for a criminal check and child abuse registry clearance and as well, I will provide it to him on myself.

Guys have to be just as careful about gals with criminal records, etc.

Unless you live in small town canada/usa where you know everyone's family for generations and all the skeletons ..
it is not unreasonable to ask for verification of who you are meeting and their background.

IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE ..... WHAT IS THE REAL ISSUE HERE ??

your pride was hurt that your word wasn't good enough .... suck it up .... blame that on the guys that lie to women everyday .... TRUST IS EARNED .... and that takes time !!

IF DOING THIS PRECAUTIONS SAVES ONE WOMAN, MAN OR ONE CHILD FROM BEING MOLESTED, ASSAULTED OR WORSE ...... TO ME ... IT'S DAMN WELL WORTH IT....

I know a gal who remarried and that 2nd husband molested her daughter .........
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 108
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 3:58:20 PM
from the comments that I am reading you are not really asking for people's thoughts ... you are merely looking for validation from other men on how you feel .. that being said ...

I have done extensive volunteer work which involved criminal checks and child abuse registry search. I have no issue with this since I am involved with children and adults at risk.

I value my family, myself and children of family as much as strangers ..... so the answer is YES.

If a man sounds like we have a potential for a relationship, I will advise him that in the future, I will be asking for a criminal check and child abuse registry clearance and as well, I will provide it to him on myself.

Guys have to be just as careful about gals with criminal records, etc.

Unless you live in small town canada/usa where you know everyone's family for generations and all the skeletons ..
it is not unreasonable to ask for verification of who you are meeting and their background.

IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE ..... WHAT IS THE REAL ISSUE HERE ??

your pride was hurt that your word wasn't good enough .... suck it up .... blame that on the guys that lie to women everyday .... TRUST IS EARNED .... and that takes time !!

IF DOING THIS PRECAUTIONS SAVES ONE WOMAN, MAN OR ONE CHILD FROM BEING MOLESTED, ASSAULTED OR WORSE ...... TO ME ... IT'S DAMN WELL WORTH IT....

I know a gal who remarried and that 2nd husband molested her daughter .........



I'm not disagreeing with you on this at all. You're right... my pride was hurt. I admit that. And again... I completely understand looking out for your own safety. And I also understand that trust is earned not given (explain that to XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX... she wanted me to give my trust... but I had to earn her's? That's not right nor is it fair... especially with the background check. IMO... you do a background on me before a first date, and tell me about it later... you lose ALL trust with me.



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 sunsunsun4
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 109
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/7/2013 9:13:01 PM
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
No. It's a sign of intelligence.

Campfires, great answer!

GRock, I hear a dismaying lack of empathy for a traumatic experience that has deeply scarred two women. Why WOULDN'T a woman who's been through that, do a check on a man? You sound as if your hurt feelings are more significant than her very real trauma.

Anyway. I appreciate the tips for doing background checks. I went out with a guy who was given a high recommendation by my choir manager. I wish I'd done a further check before I allowed him in my home. I'll admit I had a clue to his character when we were on a walk. We went to a hardware store, which was closed. They'd left palettes of potting soil outside.

He said, "Look at that. Anyone could just steal them!"
I was amazed. I replied, "Who the heck would steal $1.99 bags of dirt?"
He said, "Well, I would. They're just asking for it."
I said, "No, they're expecting a minimum standard of honesty from their community."

Unbelievably, I still let him into my home. After he left, I discovered my peanut butter missing. Gone. That's right, peanut butter.

I know it was him, because that jar of PB never showed up, not even when I moved. It wasn't worth calling the police, but to this day I wonder what a background check would've turned up. A man who'll steal dirt and PB, obviously has no standards at all. Which is why he didn't continue pursuing me, either LOL
 willishudson
Joined: 4/28/2012
Msg: 110
 Bratty_to_the_core
Joined: 1/18/2013
Msg: 111
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 12:12:46 AM
I don't think that campfire you will fully every understand ... you are a big guy ... you have no idea what it is like to be a woman ... unless a gal has taken self defense training and willing to get into a male mindset that she would be willing to kill someone to protect her own life ....

have you been assaulted by someone bigger than you?

have you have had forced sex by someone ? raped?

have you ever been pinned down by your arms by two people that you thought you knew?

have you ever been stalked?

have you ever been followed?

have you had someone hit you in the face by a man bigger than you for talking?

I can yes to all the above .... and I bet a number of gals would say yes to a number of them too ...
 RJHistoryGirl
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 112
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 1:15:11 AM
Bratty... I think you directed your post to the wrong person. ^campfires^ said that he thought both parties doing background checks is the smart thing to do- and I agree with him. He might understand better than you think... unlike some other posters here. :/

*edited* because my brain got ahead of my fingers. :)
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 113
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 2:21:37 AM
Will say this much... I did have sympathy for her and her mom for what they had gone through. Which is why I put trust in her. When she told me about the background check, I was a bit surprised by it. I had the understanding of why it was done. However... to perofrm the background check BEFORE even 1 date took place, WITHOUT the subjects concent?! That's pushing the limits. Had they been up front about everything... this thread wouldn't exist.

I fully understand WHY they did it. But the way they went about it, in my eyes was completely dishonest. I don't blame them for doing the background check on me. But still... BEFORE even one date took place?! And even when that first date took place... something did seema bit odd to me. Here's why:

My first date with this woman... was a huge triple date pool party at her house. The date's were as follows:

1.) Her and I
2.) Her best friend, her best friend's bf, her best friends 2 daughters the bf's neice
3.) Her parents

And all we did was swim, played board games all night, and eat. No alcohol was involved. Even though the date was fun... something did seem a bit off. As if someone wasn't being totally honest with me. Sure enough, someone wasn't being totally honest with me. Because a 1 1/2 months later... she mentioned the background check to me.

So please have an understand on both sides. If you're gonna run a background check on a guy/girl:

1.) Don't do it before a first date
2.) Be up front about it
3.) And hold off on running the background check on the guy/girl untill things get really serious.

Anyone disagree?
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 114
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 5:29:22 AM

I don't think that campfire you will fully every understand ... you are a big guy ... you have no idea what it is like to be a woman ... unless a gal has taken self defense training and willing to get into a male mindset that she would be willing to kill someone to protect her own life ....

have you been assaulted by someone bigger than you?

have you have had forced sex by someone ? raped?

have you ever been pinned down by your arms by two people that you thought you knew?

have you ever been stalked?

have you ever been followed?

have you had someone hit you in the face by a man bigger than you for talking?

I can yes to all the above .... and I bet a number of gals would say yes to a number of them too ...
so what would a background check on a potential date prove to you? lets say if he is a guy that does the aforementioned and has never been caught will doing a background check prevent that?

I think people who rushes to do background checks before meeting someone are really paranoid and shouldn't be dating, you might as well do a background check on your dry cleaner to make sure he or she isn't a terrorist from a sleeper group, or your boss at work to make sure he isn't a closet rapist for nights you have to work late.

What ever happen to common sense? I get that there are abusers out there but 99% out there will give you a clue about their issues , I remember a few years back a buddy of mine met this Gorgeous woman, I mean she was close to a 10, the looks, the body you name it, he thought he died and went to heaven, well things didn't add up with this woman in the beginning and we talked to him about it, but he didn't listen and ignored the red flags well skip ahead 5 years later , a restraining order against her, he had to move, change jobs distanced himself from his family because she was a complete nut-bar and did a lot of damage.

Looking back if he would have done a background check he would have found nothing, if there was a restraining order after he did the check,I'm pretty sure he would have ignored it because all he saw was looks and he would have thought " oh people can change and she wont do that to me"

I think if you're going to get into a long term committed relationship and you have children yes I think its very wise to do a background check to make sure, and BOTH parties consent to it , where I draw the line is doing a background check without a person knowledge because you are paranoid or your critical thinking skills are poor and you think by doing a background check before you meet someone is going to protect you and make you safe.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 115
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 6:17:03 AM
G-rock. I gotta say you are going to miss out on some good, smart woman if you freak out because they did a check. If you keep telling your self they are insecure instead of smart enough to use such an easy way to give them selves just a little more protection.
At least 1 in 5 women have been assaulted in some way. Pay attention! This isnt about YOU!! I am in the lucky # who hasnt, but it isn't because i think i can read minds. i take the procautions i can and then still hope for the best. So get over it and just assume if you have met a smart woman or she has smart friends that they have done a check.

Btw, posting your exs pf name on here violates more trust then a check does. Tacky, tacky! She wasnt being spitefull just smart! You on the other hand? Is she a threat in any way that people should be warned about? No you are just trying to semi publicly bad mouth her for no other reason besides the fact that she wasnt what you wanted. Ugh.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 116
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 6:40:42 AM
I tend to avoid paranoid nutty people on dating sites by not giving them my last name until we meet in person at least once and vice versa-I don't need to know a potential date's last name until at least the initial meet and decide if we want to see each other again. We exchange a few e-mails, maybe a phone call, then meet up. Women say they know within seconds of meeting someone if there's instant chemistry and know at that point if they want to go any further with that person. Guys know if there's physical attraction in the same amount of time. If they are not attracted to each other and it goes no further, what's the point of doing background checks? Are women going to do background checks on everybody they talk to, even if they never date the person? If a women won't meet for a 20 or 30 minute coffee meet without getting my last name in order to do a search, that's fine with me. I actually prefer that we don't meet if she's terrified of people.

I'm a believer of using intuition and gut feeling about someone. If a person starts acting weird or abusive while dating, cut ties and end it. That's the biggest problem in dating. Some people are so desperate for a relationship and have such low self esteem, they will put up with abuse and hope the abuse ends by itself. That's why there are so many posts here from women (and a few men) whining about being in abusive relationships for years, but made no attempt to end it when the abuse started. There's a good chance these abusers don't have criminal records and seem like outstanding citizens otherwise.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 117
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 6:57:37 AM
Maleman, did you read my post on the first page of this tread?

I'm no dummy and trust me, I pay attention...probably too much. I work with mentally ill criminals who should be in prison.

The guy I met had it down to a t. He did everything right and it wasn't until well into my 2nd date that I said hmmmm....and it wasn't because I thought he was abusive or saw any blazing red flags. It was because he asked me a question related to my law enforcement experience that nobody has ever asked me before.

After doing a google search on his name I read the stories of his multiple arrests. His profile is full of lies. I did ask him wtf is he doing....why is he lying and he said he wants to pretend as if it didn't happen and he plans to keep his deluded fantasy going. All any woman who knows his name has to do is a google seach on his name, his story is all over the web...but if they are looking for signs of abuse, they aren't going to see it until he already has his hooks in them, it's how pathological people work.

No matter what you guys say and no matter how hard you try to shame women for staying safe you'll never convince me that our thinking is wrong.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 118
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 7:25:13 AM
If you feel that you have good reason(s) to run a background check, then do so. Stop trying to convince others that it's the "right" thing to do: some people will not mind it, and some people will blow a gasket over what they (rightly)see as an invasion of their privacy. Instead of expending all this energy trying to hammer square pegs into round holes, here's a revolutionary concept:

LOOK FOR SOMEONE COMPATIBLE!!!

Crazy idea, hunh?
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 119
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 7:28:21 AM
(ksayer1) Oh your male, ok makes more sense now. What r u afraid your date will find if she looks up you court records? If the answer is nothing, then what is the big deal it is just another procaution...


That's the same argument used by would-be totalitarians everywhere. It's just pathetic when used by a relatively powerless person, to justify violating another person's boundaries.


... and u seem all for women playing it safe?


I have no idea what this means. Try a little proof-reading before you post. And, stop using text-speak - it makes you sound dumb (unless that's what y0u were going for)...
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 120
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:06:21 AM
(MoonchildMN) I'm no dummy and trust me, I pay attention...probably too much. I work with mentally ill criminals who should be in prison.


If you think "mentally ill criminals" is synonymous with "guys looking to date", then I'd suggest that your problems aren't with what's going through guys' heads, but what's going through YOUR head...

Ay-yi-yi...

The French Civil justice system may be okay with the concept of "Guilty until proven innocent!", but North Americans generally aren't amenable to it...
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 121
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:16:21 AM
Did I say that?? Yah, I didn't think so.

BTW....I work with both men and women :) gotta say, I feel for the men too.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 122
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:18:39 AM

If a stalker showed up at my house i would shoot him. Plain and simple


Another reason why I think it's a bad idea not to call ahead when dropping over at someone's house, even if you think you know them well. IMO it's never a good idea to surprise a single women at home.

I don't care if someone does a background check on me before we date, it doesn't matter. But a lot of threads women won't even give out a phone number or use a burn phone to date, if the guy does the same thing it's going to be tough to do a background check. It's also a little more dangerious to give out enough into to strangers to enable them to do a background check.

I often google someones name, but that is just curiosity to see what turns up.

I also don't care if someone tells me before doing the background check. If I felt motivated to do a background check likely she has a public record of some kind and I just want to she what she is hiding.

But I am glad I am no longer dating.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 123
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:42:36 AM

What if I had been abused by a woman in my past. And I conducted a background check on you, because of what the woman before you did to me? It would probably make you feel like a criminal right?


It wouldn't bother me a bit, because I'm not a criminal, therefore I have no reason to feel like one.


And because of that jerk.... this innocent guy who has never harmed a woman in his life... got treated like a hardened criminal.


Give me a break. Background checks are conducted for employment reasons, too. Why? Because some people have been criminals, and some jobs aren't suitable for them.

To repeat, why would you feel like a "hardened criminal" if you've never been one? That says more about you than it does about the person doing the background check.

Personally, I wouldn't run a check unless I was getting involved with someone and I had suspicions about them not being truthful with me. I've never yet felt the need to run a criminal check but I have used Google, LinkedIn and Spokeo to be sure that the dude isn't BSing me about who he claims to be - and those have been useful screening sites to avoid the con artists.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 124
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 9:42:59 AM
One thing that I think should be mentioned.

Just because someone does a criminal check doesn't mean the person is safe or doesn't have a record. Sometimes people use their middle name, some people have fake IDs, some people have just never been caught. Don't let a good check replace common sense.

So I think the most important thing is to trust your instincts. It's easy to avoid fraud, just never send anyone any money or get involved with buying any type of investment. Personal dangers are more difficult to judge.
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 125
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/8/2013 11:03:44 AM
Wow Campfire you do all that before you meet the person? holy jumping you guys are seriously a paranoid bunch, I hate what you would do before you say " I do" do you do a Interpol background check, do you ask CSIS and the RCMP in Canada to do a check or MI5 and MI6 in the UK to do a check? is the KGB around to do a check?

Comparing dating to a job interview is as silly as some guy says I have to do a test drive on a woman to see if she is date worthy, A woman or a relationship isn't a object you cant compare the two.

I'm correct to believe a lot of you nice folks have poor critical thinking skills , no wonder you have to do all sorts of checking, Its amazing that my short time on this planet Ive never had to a do a check on someone, I use my gut feeling, logic and Ive never ignored red flags, sure Ive come across some nut bars online but Im smart enough not to get involved with such a person.

And before you say " that's nice ,keep your head in the sand, or there a lots of abusers out there, I have to protect my self" well that is where common sense plays a big part.

I will tell you a story about a associate of mine, Lets call her " Jackie", Jackie is a average looking woman, a little chubby, excellent career, financially stable etc etc etc, she met a guy named Paul, who was extremely attractive, 6 packs etc.
He wooed Jackie, paid for dinner, trips etc, meanwhile a few of us told her something isnt adding up here, and within 6 months his true colours came out, he had other woman on the side paying for this and that, and talked a executive ( Jackie) out of 75K , and this is a woman who has a masters degree, a executive in a Investment company earning more than 6 figures a year, how can a woman be so stupid and not see the red flags?

I know another woman who met a Military man, obviously he would pass any background check and got herpes from him? people do not use common sense in most cases.
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