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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
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 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 151
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 7 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
@strangedreams..Sorry to burst your bubble,But i know plenty of women that are stable that could careless about a good guy...They worship the ground MR.Drama King walks on..You see it is all about the thrill..They will nick pick a good guy..Even give him the run around..Go through him like a fine tooth comb..Then when the first piece of crap that comes out of prison..Lives off of drugs..Will not work if his life depended on it..Then there is no problem with hime with most women..Meanwhile back at the ranch she will put down the nice/good guy down like a dog..In most case use him..You know i am so tired of the games..I have witnessed women leave good men that is honest,drug free..Works hard..Pay his taxes..Have not spent a day in jail..Just to be with the most worthless piece of crap on earth..I get so sick of it..I gave up many moonlights ago...
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 152
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/9/2013 6:14:15 PM
Well I hate to burst your bubble down in Florida Man, but up here this isn't the case, I know plenty of women up here, most are successful , educated and classy and none of them dates losers, jailbirds/criminals, drama kings etc.

I dont know one stable woman that would consider dating the guys you mention, not one I dont know if its a Florida thing, I know women in New York where I'm from and I can tell you the majority of them are not like that, a small percentage I went to school with are dating losers and I have nothing to do with them and its their life to that I say Good luck to them and dont come near me with the bangers and wannabee criminals, mobsters etc.

I dont know what to tell you dude, maybe I hang around a different class of people.
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 153
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/9/2013 7:18:10 PM
^^^^I do not hang around losers...You are barking up the wrong tree..I cannot help that most women hang around losers..If you see it a different way then that is you....When i meet a woman and she tells me she wants a nice/good guy then i trust what she tells me...Fast forward 6 months and she is with a convict,jail bird,drug addict..then i have no control over that..Also have no control over a woman that lies(Say one thing and do another)And please do not hand me that i invite this into my life..When somone speaks to me and tell me what they are looking for then i trust them...And please do not get me started with these spritual women...They are the worse of the worse..They claim they are all spritual,But they have the lowest POS on earth for boyfriends..So do not tell me about class..I do not compete with trash....
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 154
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/9/2013 7:57:27 PM
Well dude you're also close to 50 , so maybe its the chicks that age that hangs out with losers, because the women my age at least the ones I know that do that shit.

I dont or wont meet a woman that tells me she wants to meet a good/nice guy, anyone that emphasizes that is full of shit, quality people dont have to indicate, suggest or mention they want to meet a nice/good guy, their actions dictate, talk is cheap in our world and money buy the beer at the bar.

That is my experience, even women on this site as soon as I read " oh I want to meet a nice guy/good guy" right there is a red flag, why would you post that? and I avoid them , if you talk to some of these women they will tell you about their past and reveal they used to go out with hot guys and their last boyfriend is doing time for this or that, and some of them has a history of dating guys like that, to that I say adieu boss, its shows me you have terrible judgment when it comes to picking men and im not interested in being a test subject for something different.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 155
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/9/2013 7:57:47 PM

And please do not hand me that i invite this into my life..


If this were so universally true then we would all know people who do this all the time. I don't know personally know anyone who does this. I know OF people who do but they are people with whom I associate. So once again, it's the people YOU are choosing to be with and you can't blame that on anyone else.
 H0wAboutIt
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 156
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/9/2013 9:04:03 PM

Last summer, I had a brief relationship with a woman whom I met on here. She was nice, kind, honest, hard-working... and she had a unique way of fun. As we were getting to know each other, she told me a little bit about her past. With that, she told me about her ex-bf whom was abusive. So abusive in fact, that he physically assulted her AND her mom


This girl has emotional baggage and scarring. NO WONDER it was so BRIEF. I would have not continued the conversation with her or pursued anything further for at least a year AFTER she went through therapy. The next question after she told me that would have been. "Did you decide to take care of yourself by talking with someone about it?"



Anyways, things were going great for the first month and a half. We seen each other about 3-4 times a week. And hung out with another couple (consisting of her best friend and her best friend's bf) every Thursday Night for board games. Furthermore, she has ISSUES, this is why folks like that need to be taken through the dating process WAY MUCH MORE SLOWER than usual.


It was BRIEF because you RUSHED. Meeting her friends that FAST? 3-4 times per week per month.. dude ..it sounded like you were ready to marry this girl. Meeting a girl's friends without being with her for six months is always dangerous. You don't know her well enough, if her friends don't like you this early, you're on your way out.

Another consequence on your part is that you spent so much time with this girl that she acquired ENOUGH information from you to do a background check. See where this is going? Background check information can be dangerous depending on what's on it. If she goes bonkers after the relationship ends, she knows just where to find you.



"Oh you have nothing to worry about. Your background check came back perfect!"
I said to her, "Background check? What are you talking about?"
"My mom conducted a background check on you, not too long after we met. And it came back perfect," she replied.

When she told me that... I was upset.

While people post links to sensationalized news stories, what these news stories don't tell you is enough about the background on BOTH parties involved. Guaranteed, if we peeked deeper into the lives of these women who were (UNFORTUNATELY) assaulted, we'd find some questionable tendencies or behavior that lead to them dating a psycho in the first place. Does it justify harm? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But, it also doesn't justify a man having to reveal everything including whether he had ketchup or mustard with his turkey burger.

I would be upset too. You had a right to be. A woman who you only saw for a MONTH or SO (REALLY, A STRANGER), invaded your privacy. What does her mom have to do with any of this? Does this girl always introduce men to her mom this early (risky behavior and flags are already confirming the previously mentioned suspicions). If you are concerned about your Mom's safety, your subsequent dates should be NOWHERE CLOSE to where your Mom is UNTIL you are ready to marry them. This will give her mother (who she allegedly cares about so much) a piece of mind and establish a boundary.



Bottom line though, this is something I definately don't wanna go though ever again. if a woman wants to know everything about me, she can just ask. If she has to resort to a background check, then she's showing her insecurity big time. And... she proves that she doesn't trust anyone.

it's more than insecurity..it shows she's crazy.. I don't have that much time on my hands to do a background check on some chick. Her actions will tell me more than what I need to know about her. If folks would just LISTEN and talk less a lot of bad sh*t wouldn't happen because we watched close enough for flags that told us to get away from this whack job long before they decided to lose their marbles on someone.



***Aww-Ree***

You might have a differing point of view G-ROCK if your "world" was suddenly turned upside down by someone who used violence against you or someone you love.


Once again - this is a sign that the only person you should be seeing on a consistent basis is a THERAPIST or a LICENSED MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL to work through this NOT walking around with your proverbial diaper off and smearing sh*t all over everyone else's wall..
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 157
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/10/2013 2:16:42 AM
@PittsburghVixen..Here is another one that is barking up the wrong tree!!!!!Sorry you do not have a clue of what you are talking about as far as my life...I know people that have relationships with POS and know damm well who they are..BUT,I AM NOT ONE OF THEM..Sorry to burst your bubble..But i respect for myself....You know when i go into a relationship with someone i expect the truth(Like most people)..If a woman tells me she wants a good guy/stable...Then i expect that and no less..Just the truth...But down deep if she wants a POS fresh out of prison then she should say that upfront...Or a loser that is on drugs...You see the whole problem with relationships there is no honesty...If there is no honesty then what is the sense in dating
 macinmass
Joined: 1/15/2013
Msg: 158
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/10/2013 2:49:08 AM
No. But I think asking about it demonstrates insecurity in you. There's too much deceit on the Web. It makes a lot of sense. If a potential match asked me if she run one on me , I'd say, "Of course." What do I have to be afraid of? Nothing.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 159
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/10/2013 3:28:54 AM

Im' sorrry, i didn't read anything u had to say and skipped straight to answer ur question.

I think where modern technology is ever booming, u would think that someone has invented a carry on device where we can scan someone's fingerprints and find out their entire life history. (maybe I watch too much sci-fi, hence my ideas are bit far fetched)

In this day and age, it's very dangerous for anyone going out on a date. U don't know the person well enough but we trust them just a bit to date them. I think resorting to background check on someone b4 we date them, we imply we don't trust them. And that we have trust issues.

Of course that's true to a limit, but that is life. If we don't experience, heart ache, disloyalty, unfaithfulness etc, how can we say that we've been there and done that?

I have dated alot of guys in my time and to be honest, I have shitty taste in men, and perhaps still do. But hey, atleast I can say, I've been there and experienced it and know the signs of deceit when I see it now. But then again, no one can really know. We have to trust someone somewhere down the road. We have to get hurt in order to heal. That's wat relationships are about. If life was perfect, we would all be with that special someone and living happily ever after, just like in the movies or in fairy tales.

But that is not the case.

So trust a little to get hurt just a bit more. It'll only make u stronger, not weaker.


msright78... you are 100% correct. My mom always said to me, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." And in the years that have passed since she last told me that (she died back in 1991)... I've learned that that statement is 100% true.

And if you ask me, if you're someone like me who will openly speak about there past experiences, it only proves one thing.... That the person has a heart. Most people won't do that. And in my opinion... that's a shame. I totally agree with you that peole do need to trust trust a little to get hurt just a bit more. Experinece like mine and the ones you and everyone else have been through... DOES make you stronger. ANYONE who tries to tell you that's a WEAKNESS... has got to be a weak person themselves.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 160
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/10/2013 10:00:57 AM
Ahhh to be part of the chosen few who are so super smart or whos instincts are so perfect that they have never been fooled, must be great! What a charmed life! ;)
But for the rest of us mere mortals i think it is best to take the precautions we can.
To do a criminal back round check, you need first and last name and birthday. Look up you state circut court access or the states that they have lived in and look them up.
If u cant stand my seling or that i slip ito txt speek, dont read my posts :) and crap i was just this close to being perrfect ;)
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 161
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/10/2013 10:44:48 AM
Background checks aren't always effective. A man could happen to have the same name with another man that has a criminal record. Some men have done terrible things. But never have been caught or convicted of their crimes. Or they used an alias. Do some women have background checks for any man they meet or just the ones from online dating. The random man that she sees at a bar or a shopping mall is just as likely to be a potential violent criminal.
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 162
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/10/2013 10:49:38 AM

Ahhh to be part of the chosen few who are so super smart or whos instincts are so perfect that they have never been fooled, must be great! What a charmed life! ;)
yeah its hard to be humble sometimes, but those that are smart enough use this thing called " common sense" when approaching dating especially online.

But for the rest of us mere mortals i think it is best to take the precautions we can.
that's the spirit, taking precautions is good,being paranoid isn't, are you wise enough to spot red flags and actually have the courage to walk away.

To give you a example I was corresponding with a woman on here last week, every thing seem fine until she mentioned her ex and I thought hmmmm, where have I heard this story before, well it turns out my buddy met her two years ago, same pics same story met her for 5 dates, of course they had sex but on her profile she says she isnt looking for one night stands or jumps into bed with guys until a relationship is formed, well he had sex with her on the second date, but what was disturbing was how she became clingy and if you didnt reply to her text within 5 minutes she got mad, would start breaking chops etc.

And this is a woman with a stable job, lives on her own,drives and would pass any background check and according to my bud, it took him almost 6 months to get rid of her, tell me what a background check would reveal about this nut case?

Like I said I understand doing background checks if 1) you have kids and are entering a exclusive relationship so I get it and have no problems with it but doing one before you meet the guy ? that is just friggen paranoia at its worst.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 163
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/10/2013 12:13:09 PM
Court records are public, they are fact and the chances that some one is going to have the same first and last name as well as birthday are pretty slim.
Of course there are men who have not been caught but the ones who have are on there.
No financial info comes up on a court records search unless u r being sued for debt.
So again it is an easy way to take a precaution in addition to being smart and using your gut.
I think it may be a bit paraniod to think the women who use it are using it to stalk someone or because they have serious trust issues.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 164
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/10/2013 12:48:28 PM
A charming woman (no photo on her POF profile) contacted me online on Thursday evening.
She lives in the same town and had detailed knowledge of local news. We agreed to meet Friday for drinks.
As it turns out...she is clever, witty, totally funny, and stunningly attractive. We laughed for two hours.

Called her to go to dinner tonight and she is excited to meet again! She is out buying wine and I'll pay for dinner.
We know which street each other lives on, yet we don't even know each other's last name. Oh, the humanity!
I used my internal Normal-O-Meter to determine she is utterly cool and fun. Reject irrational fear. Embrace life.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 165
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/10/2013 2:59:02 PM

A charming woman (no photo on her POF profile) contacted me online on Thursday evening.
She lives in the same town and had detailed knowledge of local news. We agreed to meet Friday for drinks.
As it turns out...she is clever, witty, totally funny, and stunningly attractive. We laughed for two hours.

Called her to go to dinner tonight and she is excited to meet again! She is out buying wine and I'll pay for dinner.
We know which street each other lives on, yet we don't even know each other's last name. Oh, the humanity!
I used my internal Normal-O-Meter to determine she is utterly cool and fun. Reject irrational fear. Embrace life.


AMEN Eric!
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 166
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 7:14:59 AM
*shrug* Some people are obviously lacking a backbone...
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 167
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 7:44:30 AM
Here's the funny thing, I have never done a background check on any guy I met from here and never intended to. But, I have also not been in the situation the OP's date was.

Life throws things at us and we all cope with those things in different ways. If this is what the young lady and family need to do to cope with what happened, it is what they need to do. If the OP finds it so dreadful that this "terrible" thing was done without his permission, he is obviously the wrong person for her.

By posted her user name here along with the story, he has also continued the assault against the poor young woman. I had little sympathy for him from the start, but the minute he posted her user name I had nothing but utter distain for this man. He proved himself to be the wrong man for not only this young woman but for any woman who has ever had any problems with her life.

**Edit**
VVVVVV
Arlo - How do we know that the young lady and her family were not in therapy and that this was not one of the coping mechanism given to them by the therapist. And really the only person here who truly seemed to be in the "all about me" mode is the OP, he made someone elses misfortune and coping mechanism into a great dastardly deed perpetrated against him.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 168
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 8:04:49 AM

(hamilton12345) Life throws things at us and we all cope with those things in different ways. If this is what the young lady and family need to do to cope with what happened, it is what they need to do.


*sigh* That's just the thing, though: OP's lady friend and her family didn't do what they needed to do, which was to get therapy to cure them from being such paranoid schnerds, and thinking that everything was and is about *THEM*. Other people have feelings and thoughts, and *SOME* of them might not appreciate snooping.
 MissyShelle
Joined: 11/24/2012
Msg: 169
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 9:31:05 AM
A year and a half ago I went on a date. We had a nice time. But there was no real physical attraction so there was no kissing or touching. He drugged me, raped me and 2 days later came back to my house and broke in. Luckily, nothing happened because I grabbed a metal baseball bat. I called the cops, filed charged and found out later that he had been previously charged with breaking and entering.


So now, I do run a quick check of a person to see if anything questionable pops up. I also let friends know where I am, always drive myself and pay attention to intuition.

Is the world a good place? Overall yes it is. But sometimes, it's also a bad place and I do my part to keep myself safe. I'm not insecure, I'm just more knowledgeable that not everyone has the best intentions.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 170
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 10:45:57 AM

(Hamilton12345) Arlo - How do we know that the young lady and her family were not in therapy and that this was not one of the coping mechanism given to them by the therapist.


I don't, with 100% certainty. However, I find it highly unlikely that any competent therapist would prescribe this as a manner of coping with an abusive ex; to whit, "You had your autonomy violated by another, so the best way to deal with that, is to sneak behind other people's backs, and snoop into their personal information without their knowledge." I may be wrong, but I think a therapist can lose his/her licence for that sorta thing.

Really, do some of you people even *THINK THROUGH* the implausible scenarios you post? It took me less than a minute to spot the crippling flaw in that argument...
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 171
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 10:56:07 AM
MissyShelle

Sorry to hear your story.

First meets at an establishment that serves alcohol isn't a good idea. I tell my classmates (many young university students) to avoid bars/clubs if alone. Also a background check isn't going to help you at a bar or club because often these scumbags coordinate and work in teams. One guy lures the woman, and the other guy is the catalyst in spiking their drink.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 172
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 12:59:51 PM
MissyShelle, sorry about your very tragic experience. It is very unfortunate.
A member of my family was raped and murdered in 1993 by a serial killer who now has 14 killings aligned to him.
It had nothing to do with a dating situation, yet I know firsthand the paralyzing pain that is endured.

The thankful news that can be taken away is these violent events remain statistically rare.
There is no harm being cautious as long as the vicious crime doesn't itself cause one to lose their own humanity.
It is a long road to recovery and hopefully you find true peace.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 173
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 7:02:36 PM
A criminal record is NOT private or personal information it is public information. Wouldn't criminals like rapests and women beaters love to keep that private!!! Ciruit court access is an online tool to check PUBLIC RECORDS. Would it be an invastion of privacy to look up some one's phone number? But let's protect some pervs criminal record? And it is my thinking that is off? Really? I think if some one gets up set because u lok up there record they have some thing to hide or are, them selves paranoid
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 174
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 7:14:55 PM
you're really scraping the bottom of the soup bowl Ksayer, do you think I want to protect criminals, rapist and scum bags? you really haven't been paying attention to what I was saying, you just pick and choose what you want to hear .

What did I actually say?
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 175
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/11/2013 7:33:47 PM

First meets at an establishment that serves alcohol isn't a good idea. I tell my classmates (many young university students) to avoid bars/clubs if alone. Also a background check isn't going to help you at a bar or club because often these scumbags coordinate and work in teams. One guy lures the woman, and the other guy is the catalyst in spiking their drink.


Either have the waiter/waitress serve you or get yourself a drink. Then never leave your drink unattended. That would prevent someone from spiking the drink.
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