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Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 23
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My kids a biter!Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

I've spoken with my daughter and she keeps telling me that the other little girl is hitting her or pulling her hair or kicking her. My child refuses to tell the daycare provider this so to me I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation.

This is where YOU must be the voice for your child, and teach her to use hers, as well.

Speak with your daycare provider WITH your child and come to an agreement about your daughter's options to use her WORDS when there is a situation with another child.

Is she allowed to yell "stop hurting my body, Jane!" ?
Can she run to the daycare provider and be BELIEVED and not be labelled a tattletale? "Mrs. Smith, Jane is pulling my hair because I have the red ball. She's not using her words to ask for it."

You will have to practise her options with her, and encourage her before daycare and followup after daycare to ensure everyone is working together.

Mrs F
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 24
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My kids a biter!
Posted: 2/13/2013 1:53:38 PM
OP, it just may be possible that there is no hair pulling and that your child is telling you that because she knows what she is doing is wrong and doesnt want to get into trouble. Perhaps she is becoming a bit of a bully with the other child. That would certainly explain why the day care provider cant give you any time line of something that is happening with the other child, because the other child may not be doing anything. While your child may be a "good girl", it certainly doesnt mean that she will never do anything wrong. While I get that we all want to believe that our children are not capable of doing things, the reality is that at some point all of our children do things that we arent going to like.

To be quite frank, unless you can prove that the other child has done something to cause your daughter to attack her, you may just have to accept that your child is the one in the wrong. Regardless if she is reacting or not and I cant understand why it makes a difference because your child is still biting another child and it needs to stop.

FThe whole funny part about this whole situation is that you guys are trying to make my child look like a crazy out of control child, but you haven't even considered that maybe it is retaliation...ok a few people did. I thank them for being honest and looking at both sides of the story. Seriously though, all of you who are putting a 3 year old down wtf is your problem? Really? You have to talk crap about a child to make yourself feel better? $100 says I'd rather take my child out over your child as mine has manners and is well behaved. She knows what is expected of her so for her to act out like this tells me something is happening to her to make her do it.

I find this quite interesting as I dont recall anyone calling your child out of control or crazy, perhaps you need to be a little more objective in reagrds to your child and understand that she isnt perfect and will do many things that arent pleasant.
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 25
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My kids a biter!
Posted: 2/17/2013 7:16:31 PM

. She needs direction in how to behave properly and dropping her off at daycare ain't cutting it, Just do it, whatever it takes to be there for your neglected child.

Go on welfare...... And people wonder why society is so fvcked up

Childcare has trained professionals who tend to the every day needs of the kids. One of your previous comments says that the carers can't keep an eye on the kids 24/7. Just to correct you on that, there is actually a law for an even ratio of kids to carers, this law is put into place so that the kids are being looked after properly and being given the attention they need.

Will her little girl be equally 'neglected' after she is 'abandoned' at school? Besides, I personally find it healthier for kids to be around each other at a young age instead of stuck in a house with adults all day.

As for the secont line of the quote, words can't even describe how idiotic you sound. You are telling this girl to quit her job and go on welfare and yet you wonder why society is messed up? Take a good hard look in the mirror.

When a relative of mine adopted a baby, his wife took off a whole 4 days from her "important" career to be with the baby. Then he got "dropped off" at daycare. He's "medicated" for emotional issues.

Your relative should be praised for helping a child in need instead of being demeaned over the internet as being a bad parent. Just imagine how worse off he would have been growing up in an orphanage.

If all else fails you can work nights somewhere and let daycare become night care when the kid is sleeping

and when exactly does she sleep? Sorry for the lengthy post but you are a horrible person for posting comments of this nature.
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 26
My kids a biter!
Posted: 2/21/2013 1:52:29 AM

Childcare has trained professionals who tend to the every day needs of the kids

Sort of. Children need discipline and daycare workers are severely limited in how they can approach it that the parent can't rely on them alone. Discipline is best done coming from someone the child feels completely safe with, accepted by and loved by. You cannot rely on the daycare workers to provide the needed discipline in this instance; however, providing discipline after their time at daycare is fraught with difficulties as the child is not likely to remember it too well, though as it is recurring and the child is 3, they definitely will understand.
I had a 3 year old biter. He had been through quite a tough time and life was just getting back to normal for him when it started. He doesn't hold back and drew blood most of the time. I've got no clear cut answers. The best form of discipline will depend heavily on the child's personality and to a lesser degree yours. As this has become a problem you will have to step up what you do for discipline to target this.
1) Biting them.... ok it does make a point but 90% of the time that point is lost in OWWWWY!! Not to say it couldn't work for some but the connection is not going to be so much there when done after daycare is out and each time you see the mark you'll likely feel like a bad parent whereas they won't notice it at all.
2)Get them to bite mummy/daddy. Have a cry and then tell them how much it hurts. Do they love their mummy? Yes. Do they love their friends? Yes. Do they feel happy or sad when their mummy/friends are hurt? etc. Good if you've got an empathic child, though pull this one too often
3)Smear chilli paste over your arm and then get them to bite you. Probably no need for the emotional discussion. Can backfire if they develop a taste for it, but then at least you've discovered a new way to get them to eat their greens etc.
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 27
My kids a biter!
Posted: 2/21/2013 10:49:29 AM
Good lord, do not bite your child back. I'm guessing this is an anger issue developed from the treatment this poor child receives from her nephew. She's taking it out (in typical bully behavior) on a weaker child at daycare. You need to protect your child from the nephew, and talk to her about his behavior. Let her know what he's doing to her is unacceptable and you plan on protecting her from it.

Her being abused by him creates anger, this anger needs an outlet, thus she finds weaker prey and physically releases her own pain. Telling her to not do it, or biting her as well, reinforces her anger and feelings of resentment that no one is protecting her. So, do your job, let her know you don't like that she gets hurt, and let her release her anger through expressing it to you, your response should be one of concern and support.
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 28
My kids a biter!
Posted: 2/21/2013 10:02:38 PM
my then 3 year old started biting when another kid bit him, but there was no re-occurrence for me to address. He would target bigger kids who would stand there completely mystified as to what was going on. Generally happened when he got so happy and excited that he couldn't restrain himself and then chomp down on his best friend. He's a really good kid, always was, and never did intend to harm anyone physically and emotionally and it devastated me to find out that his friends were starting to not want to play with him as in every other aspect he had such a personality that would draw people to him and make them glow. Did not know what to do. Tried many things (stepping up time-out for him to have his nose on the wall ended up making a big difference) but it went on for over a month.
* It's going to take time, you may feel completely at a lost and nothing you are doing is working but that is because you haven't yet seen the fruit of your labour (it may feel like a kidney stone - but the result is so much better). Surround yourself by supportive people who will encourage you; bear your failings and tell you you are doing a good job. You are doing a good job.
* Lavish extra love on your child during this time, not just rewards so that they'll get into a behaviourist good/bad mindset. Tell them you're proud of them for the progress they're making, but also be spontaneous and let them know that they make you happy just by being around.
* cause and effect - it doesn't have to be. Yes you want to protect your child from be victimised, but you can't always be there for them. She's either going to get a lot of hair pulling at school or be called baldy. Better is to be able to teach them to be able to say "no I will not be a part of this vicious circle. It ends here with me. I am better than this."
* Don't over-analyse things. There's going to be relapses. You might come up with a wonderful theory but tomorrow something'll come along and nothing will make sense again. One day soon your going to hold your little girl in your arms, having forgotten all the theories, tell her how she used to be a little biter and then chase each other around the room pretending to be dinosaurs. It's pretty good:)
* re: not seeing anything when your on duty. Maybe you're a bit of a strict stand-over parent like me (yes this bit of advice is completely hypocritical). It's good for molding behaviour but can make for a split in pretence and actuality. Kids are smart little cookies. Try standing off a bit and delay intervening when you feel compelled. Sometimes a bit more observation'll help in knowing how to act.

Ah yes the humanist view. The fundamentalistic, moral high-ground taking, watered down solutions giving, "abuse!" shouting school of thought. As if parents weren't burdened enough by guilt and trapped by fear of societies perception. Never say never, at some point it's going to happen and unless your philosophy has a good basis for picking up the pieces when life explodes around you then it really is pretty worthless. I've known many mums driven to excruciating agony when feeding a teether, that they couldn't help but take a little chomp too. Compounding this with guilt and then bottling it up is just dangerous.
Discipline needs to be an appropriate response. Too little is just as abusive as too much.
people naturally have a flight/fight response so endemic that it can never be completely purged or suppressed. Lets say the little tike decides to suddenly bite down hard on a random adult in a public place. Chance may be that in pain the adult may reflexively backhand the child before he/she even realises it is a child that they've struck and not too lightly. That adult, if they escape the lynch mob, is likely going to be beating themself up severely and never forget it - not to mention how distraught the parent or child may be.
Might seem a rare artificial case, but if the biting starts to become a big problem then cases like this start to become a near reality.
Do I advocate biting them? No, though it may work for some and if it does they may have saved the kid from more pain in the long run. In either case it is unlikely that a soft psychological approach (completely fantastic advice in and of itself though it may be) is going to cut it on it's own. You'll need something more to grab the kids attention, creative and new, that say's "hey this is really important to mummy". Teaching my kids road safety I don't worry about what emotional issues I may reinforce by shouting out loud. Appropriate measures for the situation and your child's personality. Keep on at it and look after yourself too; you're going to have one great kid!
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 29
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My kids a biter!
Posted: 2/22/2013 10:40:42 AM
Who the hell would bite a kid? That's sick and if I ever seen someone do that in public i'm afraid i'd hurt them badly.
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