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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is it ok to bring new people around kids      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Perspektiv
Joined: 10/31/2012
Msg: 16
Is it ok to bring new people around kidsPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I think you should ensure the relationship is well established prior to meeting your children up with a new person.

Otherwise, it is done with selfish reasons, and the results are often quite destructive.

I've seen so many parents, have revolving door levels of dates coming in and out of their children's lives, and they would have the nerve to wonder why their kids went off the rails later in life.

It causes severe self-esteem and trust issues in a child (especially so, if they are in their most crucial developmental years).

 NateAMFYOYO
Joined: 10/28/2012
Msg: 17
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:56:19 AM
Legally, there is nothing 'wrong' with it, and nothing you can do about it.

Morally and emotionally, I think its REALLY f'd up. I have 3 young kids, and NO intention of introducing them to anyone I date, until its gotten to a point where I think that person is going to be around for a long time, and they think so as well. And that certainly doesn't happen in a couple of weeks.
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 18
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:36:16 AM
I don't have kids but I have dated a single father in the past.

My ex has 2 kids and when we were dating, he never introduced me to him. And we dated for 5 months!

I agree with everyone else that it's not ok to expose ur child to a new person especially when they are that young. When the relationship has established on a more solid ground than it's ok. But even then there's a possibility of getting the kid hurt when that relationship doesn't work out either.

A friend of myne, dated this one girl for 2 years and he has a child. The kid got attached to this girl and when she was caught cheating on my friend and broke up, the child took it hard. But such is life I guess. Kids at a very young age probably don't know wats going on as opposed to a child whose 6 and up!

Just a thought. But if ur dating someone new, NO u shouldn't bring that person home and around the child. Wait till ur relationship is more stable and promising.
 darkmascara
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 19
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:29:58 AM
What’s most likely to happen is you’ll follow the timehonored single mom tradition of dating a guy, all the while
keeping him as far away from your home life as possible partly because you want to get clarity on the relationship and the direction in which it’s moving, partly because you don’t want to introduce your kids to any man unless you’re absolutely, 100 % sure that he’s in it for the long haul. Once you’ve convinced yourself there’s long-term potential with the guy in question, then you invite him home to meet the kids.Stop right thereeeeeeeeeeeee.

I’m here to tell you that you’re going about this all the way wrong. You can’t become emotionally attached to this man and make some kind of verbal or, especially, physical commitment to him, and then finally drag him to the house only to find out he doesn’t like your kids, and your kids don’t like him. You’ve gone and got this guy all hot and bothered thinking you’re some sexy vixen who’s fun and interesting and wild and willing and able to swing from chandeliers, and once you walk into your living room, he’s tripping over Tonka trucks and mashing crayons into the carpet while your kids are begging for potato chips, crying loudly, and telling you the baby’s diaper needs changing? This is not a good situation. In fact, the introduction is late much too late.

Some men needs to be able to see what all he’s going to be responsible for up front; if he sees you in the role as a mother, he’s going to immediately try to figure out if he sees himself in the role as a father. He’s going to evaluate if he can afford those children, if he wants to be bothered with the drama that come when a baby’s daddy is likely lurking in the background, whether he can handle any animosity that might come his way when the kids get wind of him, and, finally, if he wants to play second fiddle to the children, whose needs you surely will meet many moons before his all of these things and then some will be taken into account. And if you hold back key information he needs to assess his potential life together with you, and pop it on him when he’s not expecting it, he’s not going to receive the information well plain and simple. In fact, he’s likely to think he was duped, duped into thinking he had one woman, when Besides that, the longer you hold off introducing him to the kids, the more he’s going to think there’s something wrong with them that you’re hiding the kids for a reason. And that will only make him more apprehensive about that initial meeting; in his mind, you will have elevated the get-together to the level of a G8 summit, giving the introduction way more power than it needs or deserves. He’s meeting the kids, for goodness’
sake


A guy wants to see that the potential mother of his children is at least decent at it, that she can be kind, compassionate, creative, and stern. He wants to see that you can handle matters without unraveling that the stress that comes with marriage and family is something you can handle with decent skill because the one thing men know is that marriage and family equals stress. When he sees you with your children nurturing them, feeding them, and keeping all of their needs satisfied, you’re showing him not only that you’re a good mother to your own children, but that you’re potential mother material for any children he already has, and any babies you two might make together.. More important, you should introduce the kids to the man you’re dating so that you can see him in a fatherly capacity.

Sure, how your kids feel about this guy should count for something, too. Children have an uncanny ability to pick up on when human beings mean them well or harm; if they’re younger, they have no ulterior motives about not liking someone, especially if you introduce him as “my friend Mr. So-and-So,” just like you would any female friend of yours. however, know, too, that if your child’s father is in your kid’s life, your child may not necessarily have the most warm and fuzzy feelings about the new guy and that’s natural. MEn who genuinely wants to be in your life will try to be a part of your teenager’s life he won’t be deterred. He’s expecting that a teenager will be a jerk to him. What he’ll try to determine is whether the jerkiness is an act to be mean, or if that’s truly who this kid is.

I’m not talking about bringing everybody to the house. I’m talking about the guy that you think might be serious
about you. And don’t worry about whether he’s going to think you’re trying to trap him or you’re just looking for some sucker to take up where your kids’ daddy failed. If you really want a good man in your life, if you’ve asked God
to give you a family, you’ve got to stop all this foolishness and introduce this man to your kids so you can figure him out.
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 20
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:30:30 AM
No one should be bringing random people around a small child ever. You know nothing about this person. They could be a pedophile for all you know. And I'd question anyone's judgment who's only been separated for two weeks and is already hooking up with random people.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 21
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:33:09 AM

Do you think it is ok for mommy or daddy to bring other women that he just met around the baby if the other parent has asked that you not bring the people that you are randomly hooking up with around the child?

Amazing... three separate people have failed here....

First, one parent doesn't necessarily have the right to dictate what the other parent does.
Second, the other parent should be careful about who he/she brings around a small child and
Finally, the third party should object to meeting a small child very early in the relationship..
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 22
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History
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:46:57 AM
I do not think it is ok. I think casual dating should be kept between adults.
But unless you can prove the child is in danger or being exposed to illegal activities, there is not much you can do.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 23
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:53:54 AM

Just like a politician. "Oh no, it's not about me getting power and control...it's for the children."

I agree.

why do we insist on hiding the simplest things from children then wondering why they are so naive when they grow up

One of the things we hide from children is our sexuality. I believe it is sexual shame in the parent that gives rise to this claim that a child meeting their date would somehow ‘confuse the child’.

That’s an adult-centred point of view. A young child isn’t likely to know the difference between their parents’ lover and their friend if they don’t observe sexualized behavior between the adults. And surely we introduce our children to our friends all the time.
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 24
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 2:52:46 PM
it doesn't matter to me how old the child is...he/she can be 12 and I still wouldn't agree to bring someone you were dating around them.

the only time you should involve anyone in your family is when you are serious about bringing that person into the folds of your life.

chidren grow attached eaasily and it is cruel to let them become involved with someone you are just hanging/ banging with.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 25
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 2:56:06 PM

At the age of 2 youve potentially got a child that thinks the man that comes round all the time is his dad and the man they see every other weekend is???? his dad??? then one of the men disappears and why was that, did the child do something wrong?

Exactly. Very young children can quickly become attached to ANY adult role models brought into their lives. Having them simply "disappear" at some point can be traumatic as small children find security in stability.
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 26
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History
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:26:38 PM
This is definitely something people get very emotional about. I can say I was aound people my parents dated as a child. My dad dated more than my mom but they both did. It never bothered me. I was always meeting different people in different situations.

I don't think I would invest 6 months with a girl and she keeps me away from here kids. For one it would show me she doesn't trust me. It would make it seem like she had something to hide. Last I want to know how she handles her kids. I am not going to wait 6 months to find out someone treats their kids like shit screaming and splaping them or some crap like that to go well nice meeting your kids but I think you are a horrible parent see ya! That just doesn't make sense to me.

I know this will freak people out for sure but my dad took me to bars as a kid. I never once burst into flames lol
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 27
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:34:59 PM
Not just no but, hell no.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 28
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:36:55 PM
yoursandallyours- It's not something I do and I don't think it's healthy for the children.
When people are so self-focused they forget children have feelings, it's sad.
There is also a safety issue.
When you first meet someone, it can take time for red flags to come up. How do you know you aren't going to wind up with a stalker, or someone who mistreats your children?
Also, children are innocent and get attached, if things don't work out, you have to explain to the child why.
I can't justify doing anything that might harm my children because I'm dating.
As adults, we should have enough self control to be wise and wait until we know someone well and know that they are going to be around for a while before we let them meet our children.
 yoursandallyours
Joined: 1/16/2013
Msg: 29
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:59:01 PM
this guy brought a woman around his daughter 2 weeks after the separation and was seeing multiple women. Does that make a difference in anyones choices
 Jamesin2013
Joined: 9/13/2012
Msg: 30
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:06:27 PM

This is definitely something people get very emotional about. I can say I was aound people my parents dated as a child. My dad dated more than my mom but they both did. It never bothered me. I was always meeting different people in different situations.

I don't think I would invest 6 months with a girl and she keeps me away from here kids. For one it would show me she doesn't trust me. It would make it seem like she had something to hide. Last I want to know how she handles her kids. I am not going to wait 6 months to find out someone treats their kids like shit screaming and splaping them or some crap like that to go well nice meeting your kids but I think you are a horrible parent see ya! That just doesn't make sense to me.

I know this will freak people out for sure but my dad took me to bars as a kid. I never once burst into flames lol



are you sure? sure your not emotionally damaged? how is that possible! as we all know " children are innocent and get attached, if things don't work out, you have to explain to the child why." and imagine that horror! actually talking to your children as if they were not fragile flowers that would "burst into flames' if ever confronted with reality! omg!!

as i stated earlier,,,,,most of what you are going to see on this post is people repeating the same rhetoric that was told to them,,verbatim....like the comment i just highlighted,,,,,i mean seriously,,,why is it so horrible to have to explaining to a child that not everyone they ever meet is going to be in their lives forever,,,,AND IT'S OK! it is no reflection on them! oh,,,,,,,,,,,imagine that! telling a child the truth and making them understand it is not their fault,,,again,,the horror!

it is so much easier to just pretend it does not go on,,,because THAT is great parenting,,,you know,,,according to the handbook....the one most of the people on this thread are repeating,,,verbatim

you all make it seem like you are raising incapable idiotic children for whom even a small sampling of real life is going to cause them some kind of irreparable harm...............i can see why i am bumping into all these spoiled....entitled morons i run into daily now,,,it all makes sense

i suppose if you are all worried so badly about your children perhaps it is because you see in them how unable they are to cope with reality and this is why you hide them from it and i guess that's ok then,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but i think it clear based on what patrick has told you,,,,,,,,,,,it is NOT an absolute and you actually CAN be honest with your children and SOME of them will be able to take the information and still be able to live a full and meaningful life
i'm sure patrick is a rare case though as it seems most of your kids are far to emotionally and intellectually fragile to ever be able to cope with anything in life that is not spoon fed them by over protective parents who THINK they are doing the right thing because that's what their parents did,,,and their parents before them and so on and so on

and again,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,look around you,,,,,,how is this working out anyways? perhaps the results of all this coddling may one day lead to raising over indulgent ,obese,,stupid children without a clue as to how the world works in any real sense...............huh??? too late? oh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,then,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,nvm
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 31
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:12:09 PM

I don't think I would invest 6 months with a girl and she keeps me away from here kids. For one it would show me she doesn't trust me. It would make it seem like she had something to hide. Last I want to know how she handles her kids. I am not going to wait 6 months to find out someone treats their kids like shit screaming and splaping them or some crap like that to go well nice meeting your kids but I think you are a horrible parent see ya!

Your first thought, about a parent who wants to ensure things are serious before you meet the kids, is that she's abusive to them - and you think you're not damaged?

Think again.
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 32
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History
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:50:16 PM
Lol I was giving one example. I have met women that I don't agree with how they treat their kids enough that I was not interested in them. I gave an extreme example(made up). I tend to be sarcastic and I think people take way too much too seriously. This thread shows a lot of over reaction in my opinion

And if you think you know all about me from one paragraph thats freakin hillarious
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 33
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:58:48 PM
Keep a guy as a secret and away from the kids for months, but tell the kids that Santa Claus shows up at their house and breaks into their house every year, and this is considered acceptable behavior.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 34
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 7:15:03 PM
How will he react when my children mis-behave (which appears to be a lot).

I don’t know. How will you know that until he’s with them? How will he know your parenting style? How will he know if he likes your children?

…my children at 7 and 11 are aware of things, if you introduced them to a new man they are not stupid, they will be asking questions, they will react to their dad being 'replaced'.

Kids know who their dad is. He’s not being replaced in their lives. In your life, maybe. Asking questions is a good thing. Being prepared to give age-appropriate answers is also a good thing.

Also, if its a new romantic partner and lets just say I got lucky and the kids think his great, 6 months down the line things dont work out and he disappears is that fair on them?

What happens when a baby-sitter ‘disappears’, or a school-teacher, or a coach, or their best friend moves away, or their grandma passes away? What happens when their bike is stolen or their pet dies or their favorite blanket goes missing or their soother?

Chances are we’re much more attached to the new person than they are. They have secure relationships with their parents (I hope), secure relationships with friends, teachers, caregivers, etc. I just don’t subscribe to this idea that we insulate our kids from the loss of a new partner because they can’t cope. Unless we can’t help them.

Meanwhile, they have all these other unavoidable losses, potentially, that they need us to help them with. Surely we don’t sit helplessly by? Or lock them in a rubber room? How is it then that the loss of mommy’s boyfriend is so insurmountable that kids must not meet him at all? What’s so different?

At the age of 2 you’ve potentially got a child that thinks the man that comes round all the time is his dad and the man they see every other weekend is???? his dad???

This is adult-centric thinking. Does the two yr-old forget who his dad is when his mom’s NOT dating? Of course not. Does he forget who his mom is when he spends all day in day-care? Of course not. Who really sees the new guy as a replacement for the old one? The mom does. And that’s reasonable. And she projects that thinking onto a two yr-old. I think that’s understandable, but it’s an error.

then one of the men disappears and why was that, did the child do something wrong?

Again, adult thinking, borrowed from books about telling your children about divorce. Dealing with inappropriate guilt is a strategy for helping teens and adolescents cope with divorce. Not for a two yr-old or adolescent when mom’s boyfriend leaves. He’s not their dad.

As for sexualized behaviour, its illegal isnt it to show that to a child of any age? wouldnt even be sexualized with their dad in front of the kids.

Of course not. But by ‘sexualized behavior, I mean caresses, kissing, overt flirting, etc. Not sexual behavior. And without sexualized behavior (or even with it), a two yr-old won’t know the difference between a romantic relationship and a platonic male friend. Kids that age don’t understand sexual relationships.

Kids 7 and 11 will know something. They’ll also know something if mom is dating for months and months and comes home late and they never get to meet the guy. And then after six months, they finally meet. Their mother’s hidden relationship is now firmly established and they’re going to have to live with it. They’re going to have to accept a new person in their lives, someone who’s been intimate with their mother for months and may have an impactful presence in their lives, but has been kept hidden from them while the relationship develops. How is that fair? And why do it that way?

Because their mother didn’t know him well enough? Because he might have anger-management issues? Because the kids might have to deal with loss? Because their dad still exerts control over the mother’s love-life? Because the mother didn’t know how to answer their questions?

I think we all have to parent our kids in our own way, the best we can, within our capabilities and comfort zone, etc, etc. But for myself, I didn’t subscribe to this way of thinking. My kid hung with me and met my friends when I did. He met some of my lovers before they became lovers.

Now he’s in high school and almost ready to start dating. Do I want him thinking that all relationships last? Or that relationships need to be hidden? Obviously not. Do I want him hiding his relationships from his children? or from me? No. I pay him the respect of living honestly with him – age-appropriate, of course. I think thats the best way to prepare him for adult life.
 prime ribb
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 35
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 8:17:47 PM
I know on occasion there are women who bring their children with them to a meetup because they don't have a sitter. I met with one such woman and her little man was cool, but I don't think it's a good idea to bring strange folks around your kids until it's established that you and the person are exclusive.

For one kids get attached to a person only for that attachment to be severed. More recently, I was talking to a woman who wanted to bring her kid with her to a meet we were going to have at the coffee shop. I told her I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that and we didn't end meeting.

So my thing is if you have kids and are planning to meet someone, don't bring them around a guy you're casually dating or encountering for the first time after you exchanged messages on POF. Save that for later if you two hit it off.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 36
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/7/2013 6:54:04 AM

A young child isn’t likely to know the difference between their parents’ lover and their friend if they don’t observe sexualized behavior between the adults.


Oh yeah they do. And sometimes they will say something, and sometimes they won't. It's up to us adults to actually listen to what they are telling us when to do say something though. Children are not stupid. Not in the least. They know when Mommy and Daddy are not acting the same towards each other(staying together "for the children"). They know the difference between a "friend" and a "friend that sleeps over". You may not think that the "lovers glance" is not noticeable to a child,but, it is. Children are sponges, especially with regards to "change".

OT, the practise of "showing" off your dates(or whatever the hell ya want to call it) to your children should be kept to a minimum. Especially if you are one that enjoys "dating". Imagine what goes thru a child's mind when all of a sudden Mommy or Daddy start bringing home numerous "new friends" to the household. Imagine for at least a minute.
 Irishkelly87
Joined: 1/12/2013
Msg: 37
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/7/2013 7:47:19 AM
2 weeks of going into separation, you shouldn't even be thinking about dating at that point yet!!!
 Irishkelly87
Joined: 1/12/2013
Msg: 38
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/7/2013 7:48:35 AM
You guys are selfish... Whoever is the one that wants to date that soon. Why don't you think of your KID for once in your life instead of your sex life! it's called responsibility!
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