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Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 26
Red flag or honest mistake?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Here is MY opinion. Inevitably, if a man asks if you're "affectionate" it is a prelude to "sex talk" which is a prelude to wanting to get together for sex. Believe me, when I first started out on these sites, I was pretty gullible and very forthcoming and all it did was encourage more bad behavior. I have gotten pretty good at spotting men who are just trolling for sex (at least 50% of them). For instance the other day the very first sentence out of mans mouth was "Do you like to tease men?" Click, block, bye bye. Of course occasionally there will be a first conversation which lulls me into a false sense of security. It will go down the usual path, "What do you do for a living", "What are your hobbies" and I will invest time chatting it up only to find a half hour down the road the dreaded, "Do you like sex" question and then that is all he wants to talk about. It is so disappointing really. I mean when a profile states that he is actively seeking a relationship perhaps he should specify a "sexual" relationship.

I'm sure all of the men reading this are outraged by my comments and think I am a dried up old prude. Not true at all. I'm trying to find a decent person to have a relationship with and I would most certainly hope that a good healthy sex life is part of that, but it certainly isn't everything, you know?
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 27
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/7/2013 10:49:38 AM
You can simply say I can be, more with some less with others. It all depends.
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 28
view profile
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/7/2013 2:19:19 PM
OP, reading the rest of your posts on this its clear he was asking to push the envelope early. I don't find that many women are trying to hold things back, but for a guy to hint that he's going to be an octopus with hooked claws straight out full on as he emerges from the back seat of his beaten up Taurus,. wearing rattie shoes and a 5th day unshaven beard.. well ..
.. does that work..? Do women like to know that the dude's going to be as wild as a starving bear? I think a lot need 20 minutes of calm to think about it.
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 29
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/7/2013 3:19:31 PM
It always means "are you going to frack me on the first date". Don't be fooled by anyone who claims otherwise. If you love someone then obviously you are going to be affectionate with them.
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 30
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/7/2013 3:36:16 PM
Yes, I think it's a red flag - it's too personal, too soon. Most women love affection more than men do when they are in a relationship, it's not something that even needs to be or should be addressed. It's universal.

I'll admit that I have a few lines in my profile about it, and I am pushing the envelope with that... but it's right next to words like gentleman and old-fashioned. And it's very carefully written and innocent in nature. And it's not going to happen soon. But it is literary a cornerstone of a healthy relationship and you won't have a worthwhile relationship without it. But I would never bring that up myself in emails to a potential date - I stick to small talk - email to me is small-talk to see if they can write (I'm not being funny), to see if they say something wrong so I can weed the bad girls out (flags), and to set up the coffee date - nothing more.

But also keep in mind that affection and sex are two different things - never mention sex until you are well into a serious relationship with someone.

But I will also tell you that I had a woman on a dating site once write an email that she liked affection, wanted to know my stance on it, and said that her ex was never affectionate with her. Yes, that was a red flag also. It means they have had a very bad relationship void of affection and still carry some issues/emotional baggage from it. And that it could be too much baggage. It's a sad thing for me to have to say, but some people have too much baggage to be good relationship material.

Drop them and say "next"... bad indicators that early in the game are a bad omen.
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 31
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/7/2013 3:45:41 PM
I think this falls into the category of the question a man asked about on here was asked "Are you generous?"

The degree to which someone is affectionate or generous is something one learns in the course of a relationship. It is not something that is just a "given," because while I may consider myself very affectionate (or generous), I may have no intention of being "affectionate" (or generous) with YOU. You'll find out if our relationship develops to that degree.

And here's the other thing: who is going to admit she is cold as ice, or that he is miserly as Scrooge? Really, asking about how another person behaves is just a waste of time. People will answer what they *think* they are, which may have no connection to reality. Or they will flat out lie. Getting a truthful answer from a person who truly knows him/herself --yes, it can happen, but you won't KNOW it was true until you've known them long enough to see if they behave in ways you find compatible.

Emails and phone calls might help to rule someone out (as in, ruling out those who ask inappropriate questions), but they won't tell you much about who is really a "keeper." You have to spend a lot of time with someone to know that.
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 32
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/7/2013 4:43:31 PM
What does it mean when a woman tells you that you are affectionate? Happened to me on a date. I don't think I'm above average in affection. I tested her an it turns out she wasn't affectionate. How wierd is that?
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 33
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/7/2013 5:15:38 PM
It's an itty bitty red flag that will slowly escalate to a raging inferno. Some guys try to gauge a woman's interest before meeting, hoping to guarantee a successful first date of the fourth encounter, touch included. I would never mention anything physical before meeting. If a woman contacts me first, and I am interested, I will always let her know that I do find her physically attractive. I let the woman set the pace before meeting. If she wants erotic and flirty chat....who am I to deny her that?
Joined: 11/17/2012
Msg: 34
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/7/2013 6:15:05 PM
It would depend on the context of the email. Affectionate could mean a host of things from showing affection, hugs or holding hands. Intimacey is different. I prefer not to discuss that right off. Yes we are all sexual beings but
would be uncomfortable discussing that with somebody I do not know.
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 35
view profile
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:24:36 PM
Older men start this conversation usually with the comment "most women our age are no longer interested that is why I am asking"
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 36
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:43:58 PM
I will usually go ahead and answer this question with, "I am very affectionate when in a relationship"

Then I sit back and watch em burn themselves by trying to get to the sex questions.

In my experience when they get to the sex questions they try to say it's because their last SO was a cold fish and they don't want to waste their time pursuing another cold response then is....

I guess you'll never know now will ya???


Sorry but you men need to learn one nearly every species, the FEMALE decides who she will mate with...this includes the human species...

If a male makes the decision without the females's called rape

The faster you learn this ....the more sex you'll get.....
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 37
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Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:59:13 PM
I have seen so many of them and so many of them are so manipulative...
They try and make you feel guilty because everyone else answers those type of questions..or will participate in those types of questions...then they proceed to tell you how you will never get a man because you are a prude a cold fish and the list goes on...Boy that block application is so nice..

I will say that asked one guy what would he think if some guy was tryin to talk like this with his daughter The guy admited that he would not like it if some guy was communicating with his daughter like he was with me just before I blocked him...His response was that was different cause his daughter was only in her late 30s....
Joined: 11/10/2012
Msg: 38
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Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/20/2013 8:06:20 PM
(Hi, I'm new, so this is also kind of a test post.)

I'm with you; it sounds like he wasn't *listening* to your request for clarification, but rather waiting for his turn to talk. That's never a good sign. but it's an EXCELLENT lesson that can be broadly applied. Or, if he genuinely didn't understand, then maybe he's just not on your wavelength, which amounts to the same thing.

If it didn't feel right to you, then he's not the guy for you.
Joined: 11/11/2010
Msg: 39
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Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/20/2013 8:46:46 PM
It is all about BOUNDRIES, well to be specific: That Line That Shall Not Be Crossed!

Unfortunately, there is nowhere in the profile where you can state where this all important line is drawn and lets face it, the placement of the line is a very fluid thing. For some women, I seem to cross the line by saying Hello (must be, they block me), for others, I don't think a line exists! So I tend to probe the whereabouts of the line. I am upfront about it, and apologise in advance: "Umm Ms X, if I say something untoward, don't get upset, just tell me to pull my head in and I will". If you don't know what you can and cannot discuss, even at the email stage, you both end up sounding as boring as hell.

Don't get me wrong, or prejudge me. My probing isn't sexual in nature. Some women don't want to talk about their jobs, their kids, where they live, holidays - you name it, someone out there in cyberland will probably take offence if you asked about it.

Isn't it better to find out even at the early email stages whether you are compatible or not? Or do people prefer to play email ping pong, keeping everything sweet and harmless and only find out the true persona when they finally meet?
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 40
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/21/2013 6:12:42 AM
The problem with trying to figure out compatibility via e-mail or chat is you lose the factor of body language. Unfortunately it is too easy for people to lie and misrepresent themselves when not face to face. It also too easy to misinterpret messages as vocal tone, humor, anger are not heard.

Via the 'net it is impossible to observe how this person treats others. Which can be a huge deal breaker.

I personally do not spend a lot of time trying to determine compatibility on the 'net. I go for an early meet n greet and then if attraction is there for both, go for the dating. All the while observing and getting to know each other.

I do not consider intial attraction a 'score'. Time is the only way to determine true compatibility. It's sad that there are so many out there who expect everything to happen a lightening bolt out of the sky.
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 41
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Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/21/2013 8:23:12 AM
I think OP you handled that very well.
Nothing really wrong with that question, he just wanted to know.
I am for example not all that into too much PDA, but also would like to know how she feels about sex before marriage. So I might ask something about that.

I don't mind being asked if I am affectionate... at least I know he is interested in sex and believe me after dating two fellas who really weren't, I want to know as much as a guy does.

I answer that with my partner I am a cuddly kitten and that I have no issues with intimacy and that is all that I am going to chat about that topic right now otherwise the guys go kinda nuts with questions about this and that.

I can't handle a guy who is uptight about talking about intimacy and such .. just not a match with me ..

I agree.. Course replace all that guy with women
Joined: 8/25/2012
Msg: 42
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/21/2013 8:51:53 PM
Yes I agree to much info to soon. I myself have fallen into the trap of giving too much info over text and phone, oh the lessons we learn lol
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 43
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/24/2013 12:31:18 PM
I would say red flag. They want to know how you are going to react when they become all touchy, on the 1st date when they don't even know you.
These types of guys are looking for quick sex with no strings attached, & are extremely disrespectful as they repeatedly paw you though out the date.
This is way too much information too soon. If he was a real man & a gentleman, who wanted to get to know you as possible relationship material, he would never ask you this.
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 44
view profile
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 2/24/2013 12:37:12 PM
To LJP1967, I would say to him: "Define affectionate."
Joined: 2/2/2012
Msg: 45
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 3/5/2013 11:47:41 PM
You have got to be kidding me! You put a guy through all that just because he stood by the bathroom waiting for you and before that had got too cuddly. That is way too bizarre! You left him in the middle of a date maybe he was upset or even mad that you could be so disrespectful. Ya know people have feelings even men. They really should not be treated like crap just because you are scared for whatever reason. This guy now has a file against him at the courthouse in the form of a restraining order when he did not even physically assault you or anything. When women put frivilous restraining orders on men just because they do not want to get a phone call or text it ruins it for the ones who have a real reason to put a restraining order on a man who has actually abused, or raped or harmed them in a more intense way. Why didn' t you just text him back or answer his call and tell him that you were sorry for having to leave in such a hurry and that you are now seeing someone else. That would have been a much curteous way to end something that never really got started. I am sorry if you have been abused in your past to the point of being afraid of all men but you need to get counseling and maybe someday you will be able to handle a dating situation. I am a counselor so I know the signs of an abused women. Just next time think about it before you act.
Joined: 2/2/2012
Msg: 46
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 3/5/2013 11:49:40 PM
the above post was directed to 'dentaly'
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 47
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 3/6/2013 12:01:51 AM
Salty Blumist was right on the money on the first page. It isn't a red flag OR an honest mistake. It's that the first batch of women who responded are a bunch of paranoid cold fish. It was a question. There enough paranoid dead fish floating in our fishing waters where we want to know early so as not to waste time fishing a dead hole.
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 48
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 3/6/2013 4:09:33 PM
I think 50 texts a day and over 100 calls constitutes as harassment. If you were a counselor for abused women, that would not set off your alarm? Request for restraining orders can be denied. I am sure she had enough foundation material for the courts to see this man as a threat. You should know that as well.
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 49
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 3/6/2013 4:24:20 PM
OP really! a Red flag...! holy crap some of you were obviously breast fed with corn.
Joined: 2/19/2013
Msg: 50
Red flag or honest mistake?
Posted: 3/6/2013 4:32:43 PM
OP, I've had my share of red flags when talking with men but asking how affectionate I am wasn't one of them, nor is it likely a red flag. It sounds innocent enough to me and not something that I would over-think or post about, lol. It also depends on how it was said& if there's more to it such as any sexual innuendo.
If you're just chatting and flirting back& forth I would take it as him just getting to know you. You could have asked him "What do you mean by affectionate?" and then you'd know. I've seen guy's profiles stating that they like affectionate women...could be that he's just seeing if you are.

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