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 SweetConqueror
Joined: 7/14/2012
Msg: 26
Should there be fighting in a relationshipPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I think you are on to something here. Everyone has a disagreement; however, when the situation turns in to something violent it may be time to rethink the situation.
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 27
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 11:08:36 AM
Very good post by Maleman - some people don't argue because they do realize it can rock the boat, beat-down the other's love level, and eventually kill the relationship - and they are very smart and very right. And while they may not know it on a conscious level, they do know it on an intuitive level.

Things in relationships and breakups don't happen by accident - it takes two to tango, two to make it. Things happen in relationships because the two people make them happen.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 28
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Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 11:30:30 AM
"Personally, I feel that no arguments shows a lack of feeling and I guess a lack of passion. However, others that I know do disagree but in a different way ie sulking, not talking ect. "

Imho, it is easy to have feelings without arguing because of them. I can explain my feelings without having to expect the other person to change what they are doing because of my feelings. If my feelings aren't respected, I wouldn't be in a relationship with the person in the first place.

Imo, a person can be passionate about things especially love without having to fight over their passion.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. "

I love the idea of recording a fight and playing it back. Might just give people cause to change their behaviour.

I see people who yell or hit their dogs. I can't think of anything positive in yelling or hitting a dog that would build a stable relationship with that pet.

I just don't get why people think it is normal to fight with their partner, or what possible positive outcome there could be to that behaviour.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 29
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:03:15 PM

I just don't get why people think it is normal to fight with their partner, or what possible positive outcome there could be to that behaviour.

No offense but I have never met a widow that didn't have the perfect marriage. For the rest of us, relationships come with conflict. Often, with no easy solutions. Unless one partner is constantly submitting to the other, eventually, there is going to be an argument. I am a firm believer that this is healthy. It isn't that the best couples don't disagree and argue.. it is that they know how to do it without causing harm to the relationship.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 30
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:04:15 PM

I love the idea of recording a fight and playing it back. Might just give people cause to change their behaviour.


I did do that- record the conversation aka rant. Funny thing is, each of the yellers I dated stopped immediately when I got the recorder out and put it on the table, completely changed the way they were acting and talking to me. It didn’t change the essential personality difference though, so the relationships weren’t sustainable. They considered it normal and okay to do that and I didn’t, so we each needed to be with people who felt the same way about what’s okay in a relationship. Since they would change their behavior so dramatically when the recorder came out, I think they knew that what they did was wrong and mean.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 31
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:20:48 PM
Familes disagree from time to time, and so do people in romantic relationships.

To me having a disagreement is not abnormal-verbally hitting below the belt is abnormal...adding fuel to the fire is abnormal, insulting to make a point is abnormal...and these things cause a disagreement to go from a respectful exchange of ideas into a fight. I will not stick around people who think this is healthy, normal behaviour. Once insulting words have been tossed about, you can never take them back. The word 'sorry' is as effective as trying to get wet from the word water.

I have only had 1 relationship that had fights, and I got rid quick. I will not be insulted for my thoughts, degraded for my ideas and verbally abused to make someone else feel better about themselves by anyone.

If you have to push someone you profess to love down to rise yourself up, there is something wrong with you.
 MeggieMugster
Joined: 1/28/2013
Msg: 32
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:25:04 PM
There is nothing wrong with having arguements in a relationship. its healthy to be able to disagree about something, and be able to share your opinion on it.

whats not healthy, if you fight too much, and depends what your fighting about.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 33
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Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:28:43 PM
"No offense but I have never met a widow that didn't have the perfect marriage. "

No offense taken. I was quoting one example of a relationship I have had. I should have know better than to comment on the relationship with my late husband. My late husband died 19 yrs. ago. I have had relationship since. I have never entered a relationship with anyone where arguing was part of the relationship, and I never will. I don't accept people as friends if they have to need to fight. I sure am not going to be having an intimate relationship with anyone who has a need to fight.

"For the rest of us, relationships come with conflict. "

That is a choice you make. You could chose a mate that you don't have to have conflict with.
Having to have a mate that you fight with is a mind set. Change the mind set.

" Unless one partner is constantly submitting to the other, eventually, there is going to be an argument. I am a firm believer that this is healthy. It isn't that the best couples don't disagree and argue.. it is that they know how to do it without causing harm to the relationship."

I am firm believer that I can have healthy relationships without arguments. Why? because I can't understand why I would want to have arguments with someone I care about. Also, once you have had relationships that didn't include fighting, there is no upside to being in a fighting relationship.

How is no harm caused to the relationship if people argue? How do the people not create harm to themselves and their health if they are living with someone they argue with?

Why is it so hard to resolve a situation without arguing?

Years ago I got tired of wet towels being deposited on the bathroom floor. It never entered my mind to start an argument about it. I went out and bought the ugliest indoor laundry drying rack I could find. Put it in the bathroom, and hung the wet towels on it. My mate came home, and went into the bathroom. I heard a roar, followed by a big laugh. My mate came out with a big smile on his face, and said "ok, I get it".
Problem solved without fighting.
Yes, another person might of tried to get into a fight with me for doing that, but I would have found out already that they were the type of person who finds in necessary (for whatever reason) to get into fights. Therefore, I wouldn't be living with them in the first place. The wet towels on the floor in their own house would not be my concern so I could date them, just wouldn't live with them.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 34
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 4:13:03 PM

It isn't that the best couples don't disagree and argue.. it is that they know how to do it without causing harm to the relationship.

What I was saying. It isn't whether you fight or not that's such a big thing, it's how you fight.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 35
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Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 5:33:21 PM
"I too can explain my feelings very well, however, communication is a two way thing, if you explain and the other person doesnt understand or respond then the disagreement will begin. "

Imho, this is something you learn about a person before you get involved in a relationship with them.

" It would be a lovely world if my feelings were respected but with the best will in the world there are times when a man just does not get a woman in the same way a woman just does not get a man. "

I don't think it is about "getting the other person" when they feel they need to fight to get their way. It is all about one party wanting their own way more than they want to respect the other person.

" And do you know what, sometimes I am wrong about stuff, shocking I know, but sometimes I have to admit, Ive stood my ground, wondered why he is getting all hot and bothered about stuff and a week or so later realised that maybe just maybe he was right and I was wrong. Am sure it worked the other way around as well."

Why not try not standing your ground until you have thought it through?

"Finally, the making up after an arguement is the best, sometimes during the argument isnt bad either lol oooo good conflict resolution."

Personally, I don't need/want the drama of an argument. I would rather spend the time enjoying the intimacy of the relationship than having an argument that I need to make up with the other person before I can enjoy intimacy.

My ideas of good conflict resolution is to find a solution before conflict breaks out, or put the situation on the back burner until a different solution acceptable to both parties can be found.

Arguments are just another form of manipulation imo.

If you can't find a solution to something that will cause conflict, why not do nothing about the problem until a non arguementive solution can be found. Why does one party need to have to win?
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 36
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 6:28:38 PM

You agreed on EVERYTHING?????
Mostly, yes. But even when we didn't, it never caused an argument. We both had a strong sense of allowing the other person to be an adult and make their own decisions and choices. That combined with mutual trust that was never doubted or broken made for a great relationship. We just worked together very well.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 37
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 6:47:10 PM
lots of verbal disagreements and you got out of it. great . nobody wants a stressful relationships. once in a while is fine .
 staffmom
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 38
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 7:04:46 PM
"No offense but I have never met a widow that didn't have the perfect marriage"

I am here to attest that, indeed, there are widows who did not have a perfect marriage! Or at least one.

Arguments, disagreements are part of marriage, part of any relationship. What is more important is having a trusted relationship where you know you can express feelings and opinions without fear. But feelings and opinions must be shared in a respectful and loving manner, knowing that it's ok to disagree and the relationship will remain intact.
 1destinysprince
Joined: 2/4/2013
Msg: 39
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Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:46:29 PM
It seems when fighting has taken place, the relationship is in the quicksand. It is best to never get into heated discussions for when you do, love is not in it as well.... Think about what you say and do not be quick to answer and answer in the spirit of love. Love remains on the front line and your relationship stays sweet....
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 40
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 12:04:21 AM
Fighting over trivial and superficial things, and negative criticism is not a healthy part of a relationship. The last person I tried dating was really abrasive. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that people do have bad days, but when the negativity and abrasiveness is a constant trend, I feel not to exert anymore effort into trying to up the ante for a relationship with that person. I dropped the last person because they constantly threw me off my axis, and the clincher was when she said, and I quote, "don't ever fu(king talk to me about your education anymore!" She thought my educational pursuits were meaningless as I took it. It hurt me because that she couldn't see that I was trying to better myself, so the best medicine was to drop it.

I feel if there is a problem, then positive critiques; open mutual conversation, and the willingness to listen and not be one-sided are the best ways to approach a dilemma.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 41
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 2:17:44 AM
Married for 12 years with only 5 fights....and yet still divorced..
It's not about SHOULD and SUPPOSED TO. It just does. People will have disagreements and in the confines of a healthy relationship, as long as they are handled properly, they should be considered normal.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 42
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Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:15:04 AM
"moraima - Ah then we are two different people, two different ways of dealing with things and with two different views."

We sure have different views on whether fighting in a relationship is necessary or productive.

" It is all about one party wanting their own way more than they want to respect the other person.'"

I don't have time for people like that in my life.

" I do enjoy a bit of heat and passion from time to time. And in all honesty I would miss it, dont want it all the time, dont want it often but I do want it sometimes."

Please explain. Do you mean fighting equals heat and passion?

The last thing I feel for someone who is trying to fight with me is heat and passion.

" Yeah my ex sometimes put things on the back burner, then I learnt it was a very good way of getting the other to submit by trying to get them to forget about it and carry on as you were."

Maybe I am not getting what you are trying to say. Can you give an example please?

I was thinking of a situation ie. buying another home. He likes one you looked at and you like another. Solution imo, is to wait to buy another home till you both find the same one you like.

Some people just like to fight...........even with their S/O. I don't and won't be around people who need to fight to feel they are alive. If you like to fight, and find an S/O who also like to fight, enjoy. I just won't be part of a relationship like that.
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 43
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:54:46 AM
My ex told me it was perfectly normal.
He loved to fight.


For me....I just can't accept it.


If I love someone I will always try to see his point of virw....disagree, debate, yes...


But outright argue, never ....

To me arguing isn't healthy, and doesn't build strong relationships.

Disagreeing yes, arguing no.

There's a difference.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 44
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 10:55:22 AM
To me arguing isn't healthy, and doesn't build strong relationships.

Total horsepucky ...

If my ex said "I told so and so that you and I would stop by tonight" and it happened to be my poker night.. how do you suppose that got resolved? Only in la la land is there a perfect answer to this situation. In the real world, there is going to be an argument (calling it a debate is rather lame ok?) or (as I said previously) one person is going to simply passively submit to the other which I deem terribly unhealthy. Pretending that you can simply agree to disagree and go your own way is a cop out. It doesn't work that way in real life.

That argument is not unhealthy. It will help the couple define the parameters of the relationship.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 45
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Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 11:06:24 AM
I can't imagine living with someone, even someone you like and love, without an occasional fight. Constant fighting not so much and it's also about the type of fighting. Did you fight about the issue or goo off on dozens of irrelevant tangents and rehashing ancient history?

My ex used to yell at me about his first wife because that had what exactly to do with me?

Relationships should be happy things, they shouldn't be hard, and we shouldn't stay in them just because we love our partner, they should support each individual and foster growth. Incessant fighting and an inability to compromise does not fit into that scenario so I suggest you should go with what you know.

I don't know why you split with the ex but it sounds like your failed marriage was a lot healthier than your recent relationship.
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 46
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 11:21:55 AM
Stubidooo

What on earth could possibly cause two people who love each other to truly 'fight' ?

To me 'fighting' means to have strong feelings against someone and to act on those feelings in a negative way.

Period.

To have differences in opinion, Yes, everyone will...but to have 'negative hurtful feelings' toward someone who you supposedly 'love' ...doesn't ,make sense.sorry.

I mean honestly, what kinds of stupid stuff justifies any argument in the first place? Coming home late from work? Playing too much x box? Wanting to go out for a drink with the boys?

There is always two sides to every story, and we as 'partners' need to have 'empathy' for the ones we are sleeping with.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 47
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 11:27:35 AM

What on earth could possibly cause two people who love each other to truly 'fight' ?

Hold on there.. there is a huge difference in being hurtful or abusive and having a heated discussion. As I have said all along.. it isn't that the best couples don't argue... they most certainly do.. they simply know how to do it without hurting each other or the relationship.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 48
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 11:42:45 AM
Let him go if he argues, fusses and fights.

Contentious persons are a vexation to the soul.

They wear you down, like a bad pill, they hurt deep, and cause great disturbances, to the body and soul.

We are ment to live in peace, and have harmonious persons, surround us, our enviroments are ment to be tranquil and green, clean and tidy, we are designed to be fresh fruit / fish /vegeterians, not carnivores, killing and consuming everything in sight, we are not designed to eat everything, and anything.
We are designed to have instincts, so we can choose to flight or fight , but we are to love from our hearts, we are designed to love, live, and prosper, not hate.

 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 49
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 11:49:56 AM
Dudiestpriest, I would like to say you sound awfully nice, genuine and honest.
I would like to enquire what happened, and congratulate you on being smoke free.
Am prevented from emailing you ,but congratulations, well done.

Dudiest priest means what - care to elaborate.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 50
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 12:08:53 PM

To me 'fighting' means to have strong feelings against someone and to act on those feelings in a negative way.

That seems awfully strong when the opening post herein described it as "verbal disagreements." I think that's what respondents are generally going with also, since, well, that's the topic. You can have verbal disagreements without having strong feelings against someone, or even any feelings against them at all.
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