Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should there be fighting in a relationship      Home login  
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 56
view profile
Should there be fighting in a relationshipPage 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
" As a captain of industry you would not be able to survive without being powerful, a little bullish, highly manipulative and highly effective at winning arguments. "

This is not the definition of an alpha personality. Alpha people aren't manipulative because they don't have to be.
When you own a business you don't need to win arguments because it is your company and your choices.

"I wouldnt end my marraige because my ex didnt want to go to the same place as me on holiday. "

I couldn't be married to anyone who couldn't enjoy going on a holiday by themselves. I wouldn't marry a man who couldn't accept that from time to time I would be going on business trips, and holidays would out him. Works both ways. I would expect him to go somewhere by himself without me.

" You would end your relationship if you dont get your own way, wow, now thats what I call manipulation, big time."

I wouldn't need to get my own way, and I need to manipulate in anyway. I only get into relationship with people who know I do my own thing, and expect them to do theirs. If I saw them having a problem with that or anything else important, I wouldn't be in a relationship with them.

If you know your partner and they know you and you accept various things about the relationship there is no reason for giving them ultimations.

" If a person doesn't want to go to a place that I want to go to, that is there right. It is my right to go to that place without them. Problem solved

I'm sorry but you just broke the bs meter."

Why don't couples have the right to vacation separately? Why expect mates to be joined at the hip? No wonder you need to fight with your mate.
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 57
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 4:16:38 PM
It's easy to point a finger in another direction... And all depends on your definition of "fight"...
In my opinion, it's normal...but you must do one of two things, if not both...
"Don't sweat the small stuff" - often enough, things an worse than they actually are.... have you ever been upset, wrote a letter or email and wondered what you were thinking the next day???
"Pick and choose your battles"
Some things aren't worth arguing for...
Good luck
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 58
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 4:38:47 PM

Stubidoo, I feel sorry for you that you seem to not be able to comprehend that adults can have relationships that don't involve regular arguments

Your condescending and argumentative attitude without comprise or willingness to agree to disagree on this issue demonstrates exaclty my point.
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 59
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 4:44:59 PM
I have never seen my parents fight. They speak to one another and express how they feel about situations and decide what to do based on what is best for the family as a whole. This included when one of "us" wanted something. We tried to play mom and dad against one another but let me tell you how that worked out...... IT DIDN'T. They foiled any attempt and at some point we quit trying. Dad always put mom, first and mom always put dad first. In the end, we all got what we needed and what was best for us. 47 years later they are still going strong.

She is my step mom by-the-way...not that it matters but so many people say that their kids will come first. I disagree with experience. You put your kids first, your marriage will suffer. Many unneeded arguments will occur. You put your spouse first, the strength of your unit will withstand many arguments. This includes the ones your children will purposefully try and get you they can have what they want.

Wake up every morning thinking "what can I do to make him happy" and "what can I do to make her happy today"...then do it.

I must admit you have to have the right partner first. If you make the choice to be with someone selfish and thoughtless (but really cute or pretty) this won't work.
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 60
view profile
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 5:45:30 PM
"Please excuse me for saying this but I am begining to wonder what planet I am on here."

True alpha personalities are always leaders. They don't have to bully. People follow them or don't. The followers make that decision for themselves. Alpha's mate with alpha's because they can. Alpha's don't fight. They live their lives, and respect their mates rights to do the same.

"Because he doesnt want to go on holiday where you do he must either go on hes own or end the relationship. And arguing is a bad thing??????

What you are missing is that he is quite happy to go on his own. There is no reason to end the relationship because it isn't an issue. All this is figured out before there is a relationship.

"you will only get into a relationship where you do what you want when you want take it or leave it."

Again, you aren't seeing that the people involved agreed to do what they wanted to do independently before they got into a serious relationship. That is how they enjoy living their lives. They take vacations together several times a year, and sometimes take a vacation by themselves.

"Only thing I cant see is how you call this a working relationship."

It is a working relationship because this is the type of relationship the couple wants.

"here is no understanding of the others needs,"

There is every understand of the others needs. Both get their needs met.

"there is no closeness,"

How is there no closeness? Where does this idea come from?

"there isnt any passion,"

Where ever do you get that there is no passion? That is like saying that there is no passion because the person goes to work and doesn't stay home with their partner.
There is passion when the couple is together.
What does passion have to do with not having a need to fight?

"you dont even want to go on holiday together. "

Lots of people take multiple vacation a year. I average 5 vacations a year. Going on 1 vacation by myself out of 5 kills passion? How?

"Though understanding a little the not understanding passion."

How can you know people don't have passion for one another just because they don't spend all their down time together?
You are comparing apples and oranges.
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 61
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 7:45:16 PM
I haven't participated much on this because I said what I had to say on the subject and it's pretty simple really.

But I've been reading with interest, and irony is notable in some of the most strongly anti-arguing posters being by far the most argumentative herein.

Is it bad if I think this is really, really funny? 'Cause I doooo...

Regarding the sub-subject of parents presenting a united front, mine did too. They had their differences from time to time (we found this out as we became adults and they opened up to us when we asked for advice), but they never aired them in front of the children. I don't think my brother and I ever even tried to play them off each other, that I can recall, they were that firmly a unit; we spoke of them as one. I doubt it occurred to us to try to split them in any way. I think this set a good example for us.
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 62
view profile
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:36:04 PM
"But I've been reading with interest, and irony is notable in some of the most strongly anti-arguing posters being by far the most argumentative herein."

I totally agree. I enjoy explaining why I feel different that someone else that I am not involved with. I have no problem doing it in a forum. I don't do it with friends or s/o's. Probably because I don't have to with them. Just by being around me, they know what I stand for and why, and I know the same about them. Do my friend live their lives the way I do. Hell, no. I can accept that they have the right to live their lives anyway they want to.
If my s/o was thinking of doing something I would do ie. buying a vehicle that made no sense to me, I wouldn't tell him. It is none of my business what he wanted to drive. If it made sense to him, it didn't have to make any sense to me.

Regarding growing up with parents who did or didn't fight in front of their children. My parents did fight a lot. It wasn't pleasant to be around. Maybe that is one of the reason I don't like fighting. I saw how pointless it was. I saw how they just didn't listen to one another anymore. Made me realize how pointless fighting is. Maybe they helped me pick my partners wisely for me, partners I didn't have to fight with.

I have a question for people who think fighting with their partner is healthy. How do you feel being around people you care about who fight with their mate in front of them?
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 63
view profile
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/9/2013 2:47:05 AM
For me it depends on the definition of "fighting".

If you mean screaming rows with abuse being hurled, that would only happen once in any relationship that I was in. From my point of view, the relationship would be over at that point and I'd only stay in it as long as it took for one of us to pack our bags and leave.
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 64
view profile
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/9/2013 8:34:57 AM
"Ok there are big bits about this that I dont agree with, but I think it would take us off on a tangent and maybe better for another discussion. "

I actually tried to email you but your settings don't allow messages from out of UK, which I understand. My messages are Canada only.

" Firstly the bullying, they do, they do it well and it isnt always as noticeable because they have power over people so it is often more suttle and often worse. "

Imo, this is a generalization. My definition of a true Alpha doesn't include bullying. I realize that most people don't know the (imo) true meaning of alpha. I believe that a true Alpha doesn't have a need to bully. It isn't in their nature.
They simply don't associate with people who can't respect others, and are in need of a kick in the butt.

" If we were in a room together we may of raised our voices at times, things may have got a little tense at times and this is a healthy argument. "

Interesting. I think we have been having a discussion/debate. Maybe part of the problem is that what I see as a debate you may see as an argument. Word definition between people can cause issues.
I walk away from people who raise their voices because I figure they have stopped listening. Maybe you can raise your voice and still listen to the other person. I can not, and have not experienced people who can.
I have to agree that if there was only one holiday a year, it would be far more important to spend it with your s/o.

"Im putting my relationship on the line here because I need to get my needs met, does he love me enough to hear me, do I love him enough, what is more important, the holiday I want to go on or losing my partner. Of course the argument will end and then you realise how much you do both love each other hense the passion. Im not sure we are talking about the same kind of passion, its not sex that Im talking about it is passion, a realisation of how strongly you feel for each other which together with sex is, for me, a very passionate thing."

I hear what you are saying. I just have never felt like I was putting my relationship on the line by being me. I believe in full disclosure before I get in a relationship. I feel that if I presue my needs and it ends the relationship, the relationship wasn't strong enough (real) in the first place.

I would say that by being around fighting parents, I learned early that a relationship where there is fighting isn't for me.

"I have respect for what she is saying because we have engaged in a healthy argument in a healthy way. Its a good thing, sets boundaries, brings clearer understanding and respect."

I felt the same thing about you, and maybe that is why I saw it as a discussion rather than an argument.

Whether it was an argument or a discussion doesn't matter. What does matter is that is was productive.

Posters who aren't listening to other people, I generally ignore or answer with a one liner.
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 65
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/9/2013 9:43:37 AM
Yes, fighting is a natural part of human relationships. When you are around someone all the time, when you are close to someone, yeah, it's natural to have disagreements. Statistics show that couples that do not fight have a higher divorce rate than couples that do. But how people fight is also important, too. Having a disagreement is one thing, but calling someone names, attacking someone's character, criticizing the person as opposed to the behavior, etc., this is verbal abuse and it is not conducive to a happy healthy relationship.
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 66
view profile
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/9/2013 1:00:55 PM
I suppose my definition of "fighting" is perhaps overly restrictive; that said, I do not believe "fighting" has any place in a marriage/relationship. As others have said, and I agree, disagreement is normal and healthy. Having short, or even long running, disputes can engender respect if conducted lovingly. When disagreement becomes fighting or has a long term impact of other aspects of the relationship then the essential bond or fabric of the relationship is frayed, breaking, or broke.

I have enjoyed the research and books by John Gottman discussing the role this issue plays and how it should be conducted. He divides interaction styles in to three main types. While he favors one particular type for long term stability he goes on to say that the other two styles can be successful if their limitations are addressed. I won't try and repeat his work in this limited space, but for those with an interest in this topic, those interested in improving this area in their relationship, or even greater insight into what might have been an issue in a previous relationship, the books by John Gottman are as good a place to start an any.

[if an "area" of disagreement has morphed into an "arena" of disagreement then it is probable that you are fighting]
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 67
view profile
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/9/2013 1:13:24 PM
Fighting has just never been my style.

My girlfriend and I have a fight prevention mechanism. If one of us gets upset, then the other person gets a 'freebie'. This means one of us gives the other a kiss on the forhead and whatever is going on, the other person needs to initiate a deep kiss. It's the 'rule' between us. It's amazing how well this works and it diffuses the tension. We nearly always start laughing...especially if I give her a funny look.

sure, issues come up but easier to deal with them when listening and feeling good about eachother than angry.

Anyways, guys, if she's upset, give her a big kiss and tell her that you love her.
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 68
view profile
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/9/2013 1:47:58 PM
"moraima - I have temporarily changed my settings, it would be lovely to hear from you."

Still couldn't get past gender setting. I removed all of my settings, if you want to contact me.

"he too will walk away if you raise your voice, its a very good way to get your own way. "

When I say I walk away, I mean I am done, never to get involved with that person again in most cases. I don't do this to get my own way. I walk away because I know they don't and aren't going to listen.

"However, consider yourself lucky that you never had too, and maybe a little unlucky that you havent experienced the closeness."

I never had an issue with closeness. I have in writing just how close one of my s/o's felt to me. It was one of the things that kept me sane after my husband died. He isn't the only s/o I have felt I couldn't get any closer too.

Still on the idea of passion in fighting. I have a female friend who's house in a foreign country I have stayed at many times over the years. Many Latino's are far more passionate than the average Canadian imo. When I told them the plans I had made for after I died, they got teary eyed, and said "you must think we are made of stone". Anyway, over the years, I have never seen her and her s/o fight until we went to a music fest. I didn't see what happened, but all of a sudden she came over to me and said is it ok if we go home now. The ride to their home was silent. They went to their room. You could hear her shouting, and him say, but and her name over and over. But and her name was all he could get out of his mouth. She sure wasn't listening to a thing he said. I couldn't get the whole jest of what she was angry about because of the language difference. I did know that she was beyond pissed. Her daughters headed for their bedrooms to hide, as I did. The next morning first she apologized to him, then us.
She explained that his ex had said some very nasty things to her, and he hadn't said a word to the ex. to defend her. First and last time I ever heard them fight. I think she scared herself with her Latino temper.

Now if I had been in her situation, I probably would have ignored the ex or laughed at her. I wouldn't have expected my s/o to defend me.

"sure, issues come up but easier to deal with them when listening and feeling good about eachother than angry."

I agree. We can't have any kind of discussion if we aren't listening.

I am passionate about how I love someone, just not about fighting.
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 69
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/9/2013 1:50:00 PM
Whats the matter? Can't afford cable?
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should there be fighting in a relationship