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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?      Home login  
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 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 76
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I don't respond well to anyone, male or female, telling me repeatedly what I "ought to do".


Judging by how many times people in this forum color their OWN circumstances as being flawless and the OTHER person being flawed, I'm willing to bet good money that the guy in the original story probably said, "What you COULD have done, was..." and the OP, being irritated by the loss of her routine, has colored it as something less-than-pleasant.

When you start a post with "I am 54," is sounds a lot like "I'm too damn old and set in my ways to change anything."


He kept on haranguing me in this way despite my repeatedly reminding him that, as he knew, the cab was booked for 8.30. I offered him a seat to wait for me to get ready. Because of his constant talking I could not think straight to collect all my little bits and pieces together than I needed, and I asked if he could just "give me a few minutes" to collect my thoughts and pack my bag, whereupon he started saying that I "ought" to have packed it up the night before ... blah blah. When I objected to his barrage of criticism he told me to take a chill pill.


Most men are NOT this big of a douchebag - even for a third date. I seriously think she's taken some creative license with her descriptions of this conversation. It's colorful, and the guy probably was impatient - but if she was upset for ANY reason, whatever conversation comes after that will ALWAYS be colored in that light.

Relationships are based on how well you can accommodate your partner, and how well they can accommodate you. Basically, how well you 'get along'. I really don't think either the OP OR her date are willing to make very many accommodations for each other.

If you survey the lot of people in online dating about what time is too early/too late to show for a date, you're gonna get a WIDE range of replies - it's all subjective - to both the person AND the circumstances of the day.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 77
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/7/2013 11:56:20 AM
I think arriving early to someone's house is rude.
You tell people dinner is at 7, they show up at 6:30
to be early. What are you supposed to do with them
for 30 minutes while you're trying to get things done?

If someone gives me a time to be somewhere, I might
show up a few minutes early, but I'd never show up 30
minutes early, at least not without calling first.

I don't know how the conversation with the OP went,
but I can understand why she was upset he showed up
early.

He should have chilled outside on the porch until she
was ready, which hopefully would have been at the time
she agreed to meet.

I don't like waiting for people because they can't be on
time for things.
 Madailein
Joined: 6/9/2012
Msg: 78
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/8/2013 2:09:35 AM

Am I just too old fashioned in my expectations of good manners?

Your scenario has nothing, nada to do with manners.

Why not graciously meet him at the door and excuse yourself to finish getting ready for said date?

If anything, you were not gracious. Why belittle someone for arriving early?
It is not like he expected to be seated at a grand dining experience before others.

Come on; you know better.



Well bogie clearly you are happy for a man you barely know to barge into your house when he feels like it

I hardly think anyone would like another barging in; however he was your expected guest who happened to arrive a bit early. It happens to all of us; I have greeted an early date in a robe and head towel turban only to find that they thought me incredibly sexy in this attire.


This is one of those times when I think you both are wrong. You should have expected him to be early. If the cab is arriving at 8:30, I would have almost certainly have been there no later than 8:15 as being late would be worse.

+1
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 79
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/8/2013 9:27:05 AM
curviest,

<div class="quote"> I go swimming a lot and I know exactly how it takes me to get dressed,packed and ready :20 minutes. So I lay in bed repling to emailspn my laptop till 0810.Except the doorbell rang at 0800." I assume it was the postman".
As I 'm in a big house* I had quickly pull on my swimsuit and a kaftan,grab my clothes in a bundle and dash downstairs before he gave up and left.* To my astonishment it was my date,half hour early.

There is a big OOPS on this , so the postman always ring , a big house like yours doesnt have a post box or postslot , do you always grab your swimsuit ,kaftan ,clothes, when the postman ring??????????? You don't make sense on this, as the saying goes if it doesn't make sense it is NOT TRUE.

Even in* make believe *if a date turn up early like 30 minute, you should offer him some nice hot tea and scones, meaning you should practice good manners yourself and not expect good manner from others. and Good Manners is not old fashion, it is ingrained to good breeding people ,forever... >>Generation to generation in every part of the world.

OOPS, [your post] You quickly pull up your swimsuit and a kaftan ,grab your clothes in a bundle and dash downstairs * before he gave up and left. Now answer me truthfully , whom are you going swimming with the POSTMAN ON DUTY,OR THE MAN YOUR DATE??????????
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 80
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/8/2013 9:53:37 AM
John255317:

I don't believed that the guy bytch non stop on the " tardiness" of the OP. Newly dating have control on their temper, and show his date that he is a good man ,unless he was married to her for 47 years that he grow a horn on his head like the Devil..
Talk about "old fashion manners".. Let us not get carried away lashing the poor guy ,
it is one sided story,let us hear also his story, then judge him if he is really the selfcentered,
rude ,obnoxious guy...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 81
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/8/2013 1:38:36 PM

IMO it makes him seem like a control freak. I don't respond well to anyone, male or female, telling me repeatedly what I "ought to do".

Yep- his showing up early I could proabably have dealt with, but about the time a guy is in the wrong( showed up way early) and then started trying to be my life coach-I'd have THROWN him out!
I know, I know, it coulda been this, it coulda been that...yeah, both the OP AND the man were in the wrong but when he started lecturing her,he put himself further in the wrong, IMO.

OP, I don't think it is somuch manners that are the issue,but I too have noticed that a significant number of single middle-aged men do tend to be either controlling or constantly trying to re-arrange a woman's priorities, without haing been asked.
It wasn't manners, it was attitude that was the problem here.
Who knows? Maybe he showed up early as some kind of testing process?
I don't think you lost much,I just hope that, being a neighbor, he doesn't make a PITA of himself...
Cindy O
 seafoodandeatit
Joined: 12/23/2011
Msg: 82
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/8/2013 6:04:07 PM
I always turn up on time at the most 5 min early even if I have to wait a few doors away.
never late. Its good manners.
I think you were 100% in the right and now you know to stay away form this male.
 seafoodandeatit
Joined: 12/23/2011
Msg: 83
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/8/2013 6:04:48 PM
.
 seafoodandeatit
Joined: 12/23/2011
Msg: 84
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/8/2013 6:05:06 PM
.
 artist10
Joined: 1/23/2013
Msg: 85
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/21/2013 6:54:38 AM
Good for you! It sounds to me like he doesn't think you're important enough, that you deserve any respect, and what he did was disrespectful. If he doesn't respect you now, he sure as heck won't respect you later. Demand respect!
 pageforyou
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 86
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/25/2013 1:30:05 PM
I wouldn't DREAM of "demanding" respect. If it doesn't come naturally to someone, in my presence, I am not going to coerce or intimidate it out of them. It wouldn't be real and I would pay dearly when the real and disrespectful person came out later! And they ALWAYS do. I can tell in a heartbeat if a man genuinely appreciates and respects women and it's rarely anything to do with what he says. Action speaks louder than words, always. : )
 lostsoultoo
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 87
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 5/25/2013 2:03:24 PM
OK so I didn't read all of the posts, but enough to get the gist of the conversation. I think the OP was way out of line to be offended but someone showing up 30 min early for a third date that sounds like it was just casual anyway, ie swim and sauna= relaxing!! I would never wait until the last minute myself to get ready for any outing unless it was really spontaneous and to give him the benefit of the doubt, I don't think he would have gone into a tirade unless the OP over reacted to his early arrival. What would have been wrong with just offering him a coffee or better yet showing him where the kitchen was and asking if he could fix you both a quick coffee while you continued to get ready.The fact that he thought enough to want a 3rd date speaks for itself. I'd kill for a first date!! I really wonder if people are so unrealistic in life to not behave gratiously under any circumstances. OP I think you maybe were not really into him to start with and couldn't think how to get out of it. Good for you girl, you got rid of him and have probably confirmed the opinion of some men on POF that women are flakes. Next time think of your own manners!!
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 88
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/3/2013 11:05:45 AM

(Ecclesiastes) I understand why it didn't occur to you. A woman, especially an "old fashioned" one, has to really be thinking "out of the box" for this idea to come up.


It always amuses me when women throw out the "old-fashioned" label. It's very subjective. "Old-fashioned" could also mean denying women political rights, the right to own property, the right to equal representation in courts of law, the right to seek employment outside the home... none of this ever comes up.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 89
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/3/2013 1:11:41 PM
Because you know women are *not* referring to the concepts you stated when referring to "old fashioned."

They are talking about men being respectful towards women.

It has nothing to do with not voting or being denied birth control options or working outside of the house.

Being able to lead a full and productive life with equal rights to a man does not mean women should expect to be mistreated.

We are talking about interactions between men and women in relationships.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 90
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/3/2013 4:01:50 PM
(volcanoking) Because you know women are *not* referring to the concepts you stated when referring to "old fashioned."

They are talking about men being respectful towards women.


If they're talking about men being respectful towards women, they should come right out and say it. We're not freakin' mind readers... men have changed and adapted to the new paradigm...


Being able to lead a full and productive life with equal rights to a man does not mean women should expect to be mistreated.


Nor does it follow that having equal rights to a man automatically entitles a woman to be treated well. It's a moronic request - like asking all potential suitors to be members of the genus and species homo sapiens. Some things just go without saying, and stating them explicitly makes you sound like a moron.


We are talking about interactions between men and women in relationships.


Then, both parties to that relationship should *ASK* for what they want, in clear and easy-to-understand language, in plain terms. Not obscure code, that means whatever the speaker wants it to mean. Relationships are not like a Chinese buffet, where you can pick and choose what you want, and leave the rest.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 91
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/3/2013 4:52:55 PM
Funny thang: the only dude I met on PoF who had a fetish about being "gentlemanly" (who also talked way too much about putting me on a pedestal) was a sociopath.

For me, "old fashioned manners" would be my parents--largely focused on not making others feel bad about themselves. A lot of what I learned growing up about how to treat people is now derided as "politically correct."
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 92
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/3/2013 5:12:09 PM

largely focused on not making others feel bad about themselves.

Precisely!
From what I recall(not going to go back and re-read entire thread) the guy in question made the OP feel bad about herself so he lacked manners.
And no, NOBODY is in the wrong to expect other people to be largely focused on not making others feel bad about themselves. No matter how far "out of fashion" good manners may fall, one is not in the wrong for expecting them.
In fact, gracefully handling the disappointment in encountering someone whose manners have gone missing is a true test of one's own manners.
Cindy O
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 93
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/3/2013 6:49:36 PM
My dates are lucky that I'm ready on time, and am almost never ready early. As the song says, 'Waitin' On a Woman.' Never had anyone miffed about it, that I know of. And they should not expect me to be ready early. If they show up early, they should expect to wait-without an attitude.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 94
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/4/2013 5:24:31 PM

being "gentlemanly"


As Lana Turner once said, "A gentleman is simply a patient wolf." 'Nuff said.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 95
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/4/2013 5:27:59 PM

(hounddoug) As Lana Turner once said, "A gentleman is simply a patient wolf." 'Nuff said.


As Arlo_Troutman once said, "If a girl wants a gentleman, she can act like a lady."
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 96
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/4/2013 6:16:18 PM
As Arlo_Troutman once said, "If a girl wants a gentleman, she can act like a lady."


She is acting like a lady. She's getting ready for her date, while he's downstairs pounding on her door, thirty minutes early. As I stated before, if I found myself in this position, I would not answer the door.

As far as I'm concerned, he could either be a gentleman and come back at our agreed-upon time---or he could go find himself another woman who tolerated rudeness. We teach people how to treat us by what we're willing to put up with.
 timeforall
Joined: 8/26/2012
Msg: 97
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/5/2013 7:08:26 AM
If a person has not learned to be respectful and polite by their mid twenties, you will be able to teach them nothing. They are what they are. Low Class comes to mind.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 98
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/5/2013 10:51:20 AM
^^^^^
Respect has to be earned ..Low class or No Class will respect a person who is respectable..
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 99
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/5/2013 11:12:41 AM


(The Ineffable Arlo Troutman) As Arlo_Troutman once said, "If a girl wants a gentleman, she can act like a lady."


(The Graceful and Charming Halcyon_Skies) She is acting like a lady.


Is not, either. A lady would have responded to the minor social malapropr... malaprop... social boo-boo with grace and tact, rather than having kittens, either at the time, or after the fact (so I have effectively burned her for coming on to PoF to grouse...). Even given that the guy proceeded to act like a total knob by trying to tell her how to organize her affairs, a lady would still not have whined about it. She's absolutely right to expect old-fashioned manners, but in this case, she's defining "old-fashioned manners" to mean "not inconveniencing me in any way, and doing everything that I expect, and nothing but!"


She's getting ready for her date ...


When the door-pounding commenced, she was lying in bed surfing the World Wide Weeb, not "getting ready for her date". If she wants to lolly-gag in bed when a reasonable adult would be taking care of his/her/its shit, that's her choice. But, she's gonna have to deal with the consequences of that choice(s). Destiny doesn't listen to good excuses.


As I stated before, if I found myself in this position, I would not answer the door.


One of the lady-like responses.


We teach people how to treat us by what we're willing to put up with.


I'm willing to be bound, gagged, blindfolded and worked over with a cat-o-nine-tails, but no one's taken me up on that yet.

Oh, darn, shoulda used my inside voice for that one...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 100
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 6/5/2013 11:38:56 AM

A lady would have responded to the minor social malapropr... malaprop... social boo-boo with grace and tact,

Arlo, I think the word you are groping for is "malapropism" and that really isn't accurate, as I have always understood "malapropism" to be more of a verbal faux pas(sorta like a Freudian slip wearing white gloves).
I think what we have here(no, not a"failure to communicate")-but a social mis-step on the part of the early-arriving guy.


the guy proceeded to act like a total knob by trying to tell her how to organize her affairs

And because you are telling her how to handle the situations in her social life according to YOUR standards-ain't that kinda knobbish? Yeah, I know-she asked a question,but it wasn't about whining-it was about her (possibly unrealistic?) expectation of good manners?


If she wants to lolly-gag in bed when a reasonable adult would be taking care of his/her/its shit, that's her choice.

OK-how is this statement really any different than what the knob did? Yeah yeah, you added the "her choice" disclaimer.


Destiny doesn't listen to good excuses.

No, but sometimes a sock in the eye or a kick in the ass gets its' attention...which is what I would have been fighting the desire to do to the guy in question.

Yeah, on the whole, while the guy was guilty of a social error, the OP might want to be a bit more prepared for social errors, the times being what they are.
Actually, the guy shot himself in the foot-IMO. He showed up significantly early which implies a rather gauche over-eagerness, and then proceeded to show off his domineering/controlling nature.

No, OP you are not WRONG to expect decent manners and a degree of social grace, but considering that online dating can tend to cast one's net beyond one's real-life social environment-you have to realize that there will be disappointments from time to time.
Cindy O
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