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 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 51
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cant take rejection?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

I don't see it that way. I reply to all messages because it's the polite thing to do and because my father raised me to be a gentleman by setting an example I could follow. I think if someone shows an interest in your profile you should send a "thank you" note and wish them well in their search. It doesn't take much time to be polite. Just like it doesn't take much effort to smile instead of frown in your profiel photos. I think there would be a lot fewer complaints in the forums if people would be more considerate of each other. OP, why not start by setting an example?


You get 1/100 the messages of an moderately attractive woman. You have no point of comparison.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 52
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cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/17/2013 4:18:56 PM

Bull hockey. I do some "modding" in another site, and I see sets of conversations every day, in which a guy makes an attempt, the gal POLITELY says no thanks, and the heretofor "nice" guy comes back with vile accusations and vindictive, slanderous obscenities. The "nine times out of ten" goes the other way.

As to why you don't see it as much in person, that's due to the very different dynamic of in-person situations, not to "real life" being a better measure of online behavior than actual online behavior.

You just don't know whereof you speak, lad.


This is completely correct. I've also had admin access to a dating site, and the amount of guys that flip out angrily when getting a nice gentle not interested message is utterly ridiculous. It's really hard for men to comment on this because they have no idea how psychotic a huge number of men on dating sites actually are.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 53
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/17/2013 9:22:05 PM
I see that as a HUGE problem, that needs to be addressed.

WHY ARE SO MANY MEN DOING THAT??!?!!?!?!!?!?

What is triggering that reaction being that common? What's the story on his side?

But one thing I can see, if he's been rejected his entire life, over time, that wears you down. We can all relate. Who has never had trouble finding a job, being in a rut where you can't find a date, had a hard time trying to get to do anything at all that you wanted to do? Now, take a few months of that, and imagine what these guys that have gone through it for 10-40 years have to be going through.

Everyone is quick to just blame the guy, it's ALWAYS the guy's fault. But nobody ever wants to stop and think WHY he's like that. Was it because he's a jerk? Was it because years of rejection with literally no success at all just wore him down? Or was it that the woman's "gentle rejection" line of "we're not a match" is a very obvious "I'm too hot for you"?

There has to be more to the story. That many people aren't just that mean over rejection for no reason.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 54
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cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/17/2013 9:35:57 PM
I agree, that answering why so many boys behave badly that way deserves attention. However, the point is, that they ARE doing it, and they are doing it to women who are NOT the ones that caused them to become so emotionally delicate.

There is no excuse for attacking the NEXT person to speak to you, on the grounds that you were mistreated by the PREVIOUS one who spoke to you. I don't care how hard your life has been.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 55
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cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/17/2013 10:27:30 PM
They can accept rejection, and move on. SOME prefer not to no matter how polite and truthful you are. These types think that you deserve to be pestered, because they're spoiled brats with too much anger and too much time on their hands who think their time invested in this site is more noble than anyone else's. They should be seeking counseling, not a date IMO.

I will reply if I'm interested but not at this immediate time and ask if it's OK if I get back to them.

I wrote on top of my profile that no reply means I'm not interested and wish them luck. Saves a lot of hassle and rejection letters.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 56
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cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 8:11:25 AM

There has to be more to the story. That many people aren't just that mean over rejection for no reason.


It's probably because of lack of success and experience. Guys that -can- get and -do- get a lot of dates with a lot of women don't do this on dating sites to nearly the same degree. It's the ones that don't.

It makes sense. Movies and television generally make the non-social guys the "nice guys that get the pretty girl in the end" and the popular, social ones, "***holes." Because of lack of social experience, the quiet/nerdy/rejected guys internalize this and see themselves as "the nice guy" that will "get the hot girl in the end" because of "how much better they are inside." When they keep failing over and over again, this expresses itself as rage and lashing out against those that do the rejecting, showing that they really AREN'T nicer "inside."

Because reality isn't movies, generally outside of high school (but even there), popular people have qualities "inside" that draw people to them, EVEN if they come off like ***holes on the outside to people observing from afar. Meanwhile, rejected people often are creepy little twerps.
 ItsNotATumaaa
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 57
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 10:02:20 AM
To look at this another way, though I don't ask women why they haven't responded, I would actually be grateful to them for giving me a reason why: i.e., too fat, not muscular enough, weird nose, etc...

I thrive on criticism. Criticism enables me to improve what I've been critiqued on. I can't rely on friends or family members to criticize me (well maybe my own father), so who else can we rely on to point out our faults than complete strangers?
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 2/3/2013
Msg: 58
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 11:29:44 AM
Sure, it would be nice to be critiqued on things you can improve, like weight and muscle mass. But if the person simply isn't interested cause of something you can't change, then that can hurt your self esteem. In fact, a guy even tell me I'm too fat for him would hurt my self esteem as well, but at least I can change it. Which I have been doing.
 ItsNotATumaaa
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 59
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 11:35:21 AM
What exactly can't we change that we get critiqued on? If a girl tells me I have an ugly nose, I'll get a nose job. If she says she doesn't like my eye color, I can get colored contacts. Weight and muscle is an easy fix. I don't make enough money? Then I'll bust my ass to make more.

Everyone can change if they really want to, though I'm not saying you should if you don't want to.

Please, women, be honest. Some of us won't be offended.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 60
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cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:03:59 PM
I'd probably be straight up with you ItsNotATumaa, because I can tell you're not the weenie type. But others you can just tell. (mostly because obviously they didn't take what you've written in your profile seriously (or even read it).
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 61
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cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:05:14 PM

What exactly can't we change that we get critiqued on?


Race and height.
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 2/3/2013
Msg: 62
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:18:17 PM
True, besides weight loss, and any perfections that I don't like about my own body, I would not get breast implants, nose job, vagina job..any type of surgery to please someone else. Unless if I want those things for myself. And yes, my weight is a problem for some men, but I want to lose the weight for myself, not for them. And I like my nose. I have a cute small nose..lol
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 63
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cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 1:30:52 PM

Please, women, be honest. Some of us won't be offended.


^^^ Not picking on you specifically....but I beg to differ.

What if POF had functionality that would rid a lot of us of the tediousness of replying to the same unsatisfied individual...typically one who's hell bent on pressing his suitability despite, my trite, and ineffectual, 'thanks but no thanks' etc...

What if there was a system on here that created an unavoidable detailed rejection letter, more like a form that wouldn't allow a user to send an email to anyone without it generating a recipient response form?

For example: You send an email. The recipient receives your email and thinks that you seem like someone she wants to know. She uses the inescapable, must-answer, immediately generated pull down menu that your email would prompt, to send you a replay email indicating a 'positive' or 'negative' assessment of you.

If positive the recipient doesn't have to indicate why it's so, and communication can immediately continue between you both uninterrupted. That's the easy part ;)

Let's say she's not interested. Same inescapable form, different menu selection is generated. This time she has to choose one of several pointed, negative assessment 'reasons'...all rather pummeling to the average guy's self-esteem.

If you're a guy tossing out the messages with the typical 'spray and prey' mentality, could you still handle a lot of detail as to why?

Would you want to read piles of rejection letters where people who cannot escape the feedback form, have to give you decidedly pointed negatives about why they don't want to meet you? Specifics on the rejection like: 'unattractive'/unattractive and not on the same wavelength/attractive but weird/among other 'downer' choices??

Could you or most people still handle this kind of detail, that kind of volume? I'm of the mind it's not at all helpful no matter what people allege to know the specifics. The real reason is that on some level you are not attractive to that person.

Silence is golden and has all the answers when you really think about it--->If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
 ItsNotATumaaa
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 64
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 1:32:57 PM
Race and Height


It's 2013. Race should no longer be an issue in this ignorant world. And as for height, we can learn to effectively-navigate stilts.

See, come on now. We can change anything. Except our sense of humor. Most people around here don't have one.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 65
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 10:25:31 PM

Race and height.


Didn't Michael Jackson successfully change both of those?
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 66
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 10:33:06 PM

There is no excuse for attacking the NEXT person to speak to you, on the grounds that you were mistreated by the PREVIOUS one who spoke to you. I don't care how hard your life has been.


True, but it goes both ways. A man that prefers having a response verbally rejecting him, shouldn't have to be denied that because some guy yelled at you in the past when you turned him down.

Everyone seems to want to willfully forget that the common excuse for the silence really makes the women doing it no better than the guys who flipped out on them.

BTW, depression is crazy. Rational thought tends to go out the window at some point. That's why a lot of people suffering from depression tend to be very irritable, have huge mood swings, and stuff like that. Everyone is quick to attack these guys, like it's all their fault, they should just fix it... There's millions of people out there, both men and women, who wish it was that simple. Depression isn't as easy to fix as just fixing your life, there's a lot going on.

Everyone is quick to point fingers, for your sake, with how quickly these guys get judged by all of you, I really hope you never get to that point where you just hit the bottom, both physically and emotionally. Because once you start getting better and realize how hard you were on all these people, you might end up right back down there again.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 67
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cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/19/2013 5:24:35 AM
If they're suffering from that level of depression, they shouldn't be on dating sites, as that should be their last priority, so that's really no excuse.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 68
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/19/2013 7:57:07 AM
But again, when you're clinically depressed, rational thought usually goes bye-bye. And what about the people who are depressed because they're single? Do you really think that they're going to get over it by staying single?

Again, it's easy to just blame the other person and point fingers... But try actually understanding their mind. Mental illness affects your thought process, it affects how impulsive you are... You're asking for something that's just too unrealistic to expect someone suffering from these problems to think the same way you or me do.

It's like when you're sick with a cold, and you cough. Should we start telling you to shut up?
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 69
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:07:34 AM
I think some men and women don't take rejection well. I agree, there are reasons that some men are doing this. i have had only 3 negative responses and I still try to respond to most of the messages I receive. I will not intentionally try to hurt someone's ego, if they are not a match for me, I do not want to get into details, they are not a match. There will always be some who do not accept that, but that is their issue, not mine. When it comes to meeting someone, again, I will always tell that person if I am not interested, because I do not like to be strung along or to wait by the phone, so i will say right up front if I am interested in a date or not. I try to treat others as they treat me. I also try to treat others how I want to be treated. if they get ugly and nasty, block and delete.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 70
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:10:01 AM

Everyone is quick to just blame the guy, it's ALWAYS the guy's fault. But nobody ever wants to stop and think WHY he's like that.
Uhh.. who cares.. ?? The why doesn't matter. The female (or male for that matter) has already determined she isn't interested, so any blow up or reasons that you have outlined will only underscore said decision.

Like, are women supposed to 'give him another chance' based on pity after he's spazzed on her? That's almost what your arguments here sound like.

As for blame, I fail to see where that even came into things. The thread is asking why people need to be TOLD that someone isn't interested.

As someone else said, I wouldn't want an inbox full of rejection letters. But to each their own, lol..

I know what has and hasn't worked, and the pleas of the chronically rejected and downtrodden isn't going to change the way I deal with things. I tend to treat others as I myself would want to be treated.. the golden rule 'n all that. I don't need anyone to hold my hand and soften the blow when a simple non response will suffice. Again, we are talking about strangers here.

Wanting feedback for improvement is a different matter though, that I have done before and it seemed to turn out well. I even get dudes who have seen my posts ask my advice on their profile, I have no idea why but I offer what I can. And sometimes if someone is interesting enough to chat with, I will tell them that I'm not interested and why. I guess it's a case by case basis.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 71
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:29:18 AM

Like, are women supposed to 'give him another chance' based on pity after he's spazzed on her? That's almost what your arguments here sound like.


Seriously, do you EVER actually read the entire post, or do you just see a sentence and assume you understand what the whole thing is about? You seem like you're constantly just completely missing the point.

Where did I ever say that the women should give the guy another chance? This is about verbally rejecting someone vs saying nothing at all. Basically it's about HOW she rejects the person, not IF she rejects the person. Saying that all these external factors could be the reason that the guy flipped out, and because of those external factors that it's unfair to just assume that every guy is going to act like that, and just refuse to ever actually tell a guy you're not interested instead of hiding behind silence.

But clearly, from over a year of going through this with you, it was way too much to ask for you to actually read and comprehend the post before attacking something I said. Do you have any clue at all what is going on in this thread? Did you at least read the first post?

And yeah, golden rule.... SO I guess that means if you ever walk up to one of those guys in public and say hi, they should just turn around and walk away and start talking to someone else, right? Cuz, you know, treat them the way you want to be treated....
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 72
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:35:00 AM
^^ Well honestly, if not to give him another chance.. then why would the reasoning behind a man spazzing out over rejection even matter? As I said, who cares. It only reinforces the rejection in the first place.

And if anything it's further reasoning to just ignore/block a guy that you aren't interested in.

As for comprehending, this isn't real life.. it's online.. and if anything you are proving my whole point. Toodles
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 73
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/19/2013 10:38:38 AM
Well to be fair, she is rejecting him before ever talking to him.

Also, this IS real life. These are REAL people on the other side of the email. This is why not every response is as perfect as you want it to be, because these are real, actual people that you're interacting with. Social etiquette doesn't just go away because it's the internet, maybe you treat it like that, but that's also why you get the response that you do.

If you reject someone without conversation, it's purely on looks (except of OCCASIONAL exceptions, like he lives to far, has bad habits you don't like, etc).

Honestly, you've never stopped and wondered why the women who don't think the way you do seem to be the ones happily married, while you're single and on a dating website. And by now you know my opinion of these sites, that we're the rejects of the world. Becuase we definitely didn't come here because there's just too many people offline that are interested in us. You ever think that maybe YOU are the one that's doing something wrong?
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 74
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/19/2013 11:00:53 AM
Rockstar, online dating isn't the same as dating in the real world, online dating is just another avenue for people to meet, meeting people you wouldn't have the opportunity to meet in the first place where as dating in the real world the person is live in front of you.

Online dating you can say what ever you want, lie about height, weight etc etc, in the real world you meet face to face you cant lie about physical appearances .

Its still about attraction and that is what separates online vs the real world, online you might see a person who is attractive to you and you have the same interests and you attempt to talk to her only for her to shut you down, in real life depending where you're at , if you're at a bar or club and you attempt to talk to someone she may talk or walk away from you because she isn't interested in you, so lets say you're at a art gallery and the two of you are gazing at the same art portfolio there is a greater chance of conversation because she doesn't feel as threatened as compared to a bar/club because she is on the defensive because she knows guys will try and pick her up and if she walks away from you does she owe you a explanation?


If you reject someone without conversation, it's purely on looks (except of OCCASIONAL exceptions, like he lives to far, has bad habits you don't like, etc).
I dont see what the problem is , people are attracted to what they are attracted to real life or online , tell me this would you talk to a woman online who is over 300 lbs and average looking?
or would you talk to her for a bit and then turn her down?
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 75
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/19/2013 11:11:47 AM
Rockstar, online dating isn't the same as dating in the real world, online dating is just another avenue for people to meet, meeting people you wouldn't have the opportunity to meet in the first place where as dating in the real world the person is live in front of you.

Online dating you can say what ever you want, lie about height, weight etc etc, in the real world you meet face to face you cant lie about physical appearances .


OK, I have a friend who's a professional fighter. His bicep is better than my head... How about I give you his facebook, and you can go talk down to him and see how that goes for you?

Just because you CAN act that way online, it doesn't mean you SHOULD. I can stalk you, figure out where you live, and shoot you, but that doesn't mean that I should do that.

No matter how you want to twist it, it's still another person on the other side of the profile. What if I start telling you off, telling you you're a terrible person, and just attack every little possible flaw about you? You're just gonna sit back and let me do it, right? Because it's the internet and I can say whatever I want.


I dont see what the problem is , people are attracted to what they are attracted to real life or online , tell me this would you talk to a woman online who is over 300 lbs and average looking?
or would you talk to her for a bit and then turn her down?


300 lbs is a little too much for me for dating, because I like doing things that are just either unsafe or physically impossible for someone that size. You ever go running with someone that's 300 lbs? The running part doesn't exactly happen... And sometimes the walking part doesn't last too long either. I don't just want a girl to have a girl, I want someone that we can actually share our everyday lives with each other. But I'd still talk to her, I'd still be her friend. I'm not too shallow to talk to people. I'm actually actively talking to one that looks maybe around 170-180, about going and getting drinks some night. It's not a date, because she lives way too far for that, but she's big, and I'm not embarassed to be seen in public with someone that size.

Funny though... You treat the internet like it's a different world with different rules than offline... But then I treat it the same, and at least once a week, a girl sends me the first message, in only a month of having this profile, I have more conversations going than most guys have had verbal rejections... It's crazy how much treating the other person like an actual person does for your success on this site.

Also, there's more to dating than just physical attraction. Without that emotional bond, you have nothing. Say what you want about guys, but women think with their vag. You don't want a BOYFRIEND, you want a guy that gets you wet when you look at him. When you're looking for something serious, that's when you tend to become more lenient on looks, and focus more on the type of person you can share your life with.
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