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 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 17
Meeting My Kids...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I think that's the main point.. Date number 1 or 2 is too soon.. but 6 months in is too long.. My current guy met my son after a month, but I haven't met his kids. It's different too when kids live with you versus only there on weekends. Now you're not only talking about meeting the kids your talking about taking that little bit of time they have with the parent and sharing it with someone new. I think that scenario is where it should take longer to meet the kids. If Johnny is present in everyday life, he's going to notice that mommy/daddy is spending time away from him with someone new. If Johnny is only there every other weekend, then Johnny needs that time with mommy/daddy moreso then mom/dad needs to spend that weekend with new person. It's a delicate balance with that. My son is very good though, well behaved respectful. I won't allow him to behave any other way. My guy has even commented on it. I have cancelled our plans to go out because I grounded my son, and my guy was very impressed. (he was still with me, we just didn't go out) It's all about balance and finding the one who you can handle. When thinking long term you have to think about everything they bring to the table and whether it's something you have to just accept (and then if you can or not) or something you can ask them to change. My guy smokes, he's not gonna quit, so I have to accept it. I do however expect him not to smoke in my home or smoke around me when I'm sick and he respects those requests. It's about a balance. That's all this crap boils down to. Their terror kids might be angels around another person, maybe they just don't like you? It really can be something that simple. I remember my son hated one of my friends and he was so bad for her. I could never figure out why, but we aren't friends anymore and given the last thing I heard about her, it's a good thing. That's exactly it though.. if you're not right for their family then you're not right for them. Count yourself lucky you found out sooner rather then later and move on.
 sjp1969
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 18
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/17/2013 8:25:27 PM
My children are very spread out in age. My four oldest are 15, 18, 20, and 21. I could introduce them fairly early because they are older and they understand a lot about dating. If they met someone and it didn't work out they wouldn't think twice about it. My youngest is five years old. He gets attached to people very easily. He has gotten upset about leaving a friend that he met on the playground at McDonalds or the pool an hour or two earlier. If I introduced him to someone and they spent time together, he would be heart broken if it didn't work out. I would have to be more cautious with him.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 19
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:33:02 PM
So you don't think it's a good idea to find out that you really like this girl, after 6 months maybe fall in love, she is everything you wanted, than find out that the kid/s are little monsters?


At my age I don't expect to move that far into a relationship in less than 6 months. Real Love? Unlikely, so why bother getting the family involved?
I certainly understand your reasoning, and I am not suggesting you hide your kids. But too many single people on here have posted about a break ups involving kids and how hard it was for the adult to move on afterwards. Kids can grow on you.
If you are a non-custodial parent, then I would assume your parenting time is precious. Kids can get resentful of their time being shared or being undoubtably made to feel like a third wheel. Not to mention the Ex drama, when you bring new ladies around their kid. Why take the risks early on?
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 20
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:41:13 PM
I didn’t want to be secretive about my dating life and I hoped he wouldn’t be secretive with me about his. I felt it was important to establish that basis of respect from day one and I’m glad I did.


Bingo! My father passed when I was 2 yrs old and Mom started dating when I was 4. My brother and I were so into it. We would eavesdrop on her conversations if not allowed to participate. We had no problem understanding the whole concept of dating and that everyone is not always a forever person in your life.

Why any parent would date someone for 6 months and treat their child as if they are so unworthy they can't even be introduced is beyond me. Because that is exactly what the child is thinking, they know dam well you are seeing someone but they are not included. Inclusion is key. Exclusion is damaging to your childs self-esteem and his/her ability to grow and develop proper behavioral skills as well as a healthy emotional state.

Not to mention the lack of respect for the new person you are dating. They need to fall in love with you without even meeting your children? That's the biggest part of your life with lots of dynamics that are potential deal breakers and you string them along too. Basically disrespect all the way around and very poor parenting.
 Emilyjoh
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 21
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/18/2013 2:45:18 PM
I think I should clarify a few things specific to MY situation:

I share custody of my children 50/50--I have them 3 days one week and 4 the next, my kids do not see me going out with anyone and I do not talk to anyone that I am dating when they are around/awake. Not to HIDE anything from them or to protect them from the "big bad world" but because the time I have with them is precious and it is OUR time together.

Also, they are young--7 and 3, they are both very affectionate children and I know that my daughter would attach herself quickly if someone new was introduced into her life. She has experienced friends moving away, parents separating, an Uncle going to jail and a house fire in the span of the last year. At this point, I would prefer not to add any more emotional baggage to her life. She is still having a very difficult time processing her friends moving away and the divorce. Maybe my views will change as she adjusts to the way things are now.

Be rude, sarcastic and cynical all you want--that is fine, some of the less tactful responses have value. That said, I don't see any reason at this juncture in my life to bring my dating life into my children's lives. If I meet someone, maybe casually meeting them after several months is an option...I move cautiously in all my life decisions and am not looking to meet someone and be serious after only a few months (i.e considering living together or marriage). Thus far, in my new-to-dating time it has proven a wise decision to NOT have the men I have dated for more than two months meet my children...because I have only dated two men for longer than that and they obviously didn't last.
 Orionthehunter9
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 22
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/19/2013 5:36:26 PM
Kids have all kinds of behavioural issues at the ages your children are. Just don't fvck with a guys life and introduce them so late that he gets to find out he doesn't fit your family after wasting a year of his life. Again, if you can't innocently introduce children to a potential then your are unimaginative or you are hiding something. I'm betting its the children's behaviour or your parenting that your hiding.
 thislionroars
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 23
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:35:14 PM
Emily.. I'm such a hardass when it comes to this. My children have a father, I'm not looking to replace him in any way, and my children meeting someone I'm dating doesn't benefit them in anyway, if it ends. I don't even look at time, because it doesn't matter. If things feel like they are moving to us wanting to truely combine lives (engagement, moving in together etc) then I would do the introductions. My ex and I seperated in 2010, and they haven't met anyone I've dated.. and I haven't been single long since we packed up and sold our house.
In my eyes, there is no need to have them meet, get attatched to and care for a person who may be impermanent. In my opinion doing so is incredibly selfish.. at the end of the day your responsibilities lay first and foremost with your children and their wellbeing.
 SunshineHoney87
Joined: 7/1/2012
Msg: 24
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/21/2013 3:50:00 AM
The questions can be answered on a case by case bases. Its all a matter of what you feel is right and what works for you. I have a 2 year old daughter, who I introuduced the last guy I was seeing to her after a few dates. He was so good with her, that my daughter became attached. The guy and I did not last, but she still asks me about him or brings up his name on a daily basis. I do feel bad for introducing him to her. I really thought the relationship was going to work. Clearly, I was wrong. But I did learn a lesson and next time I will take more time before I do so. At the same time I have full custody of my daughter. Her dad takes her every other weekend on Saturday mornings and brings her back Sunday evenings. So I really get 2 nights out of the month to freely go out. Men want more time then that. So thats why I did it. I had a lapse in judgement.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 25
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/22/2013 10:19:26 AM
^^^I disagree with you sunshinehoney. Your daughter learned that not everyone is a permanent fixture in her life. She will be more prepared for socialization when school starts. As a teenager I had a flourishing babysitting service. Parents called me often to say their kids would ask about me daily for months. Sometimes they would just go out so the kids would spend time with me. All I did was play with the kids and give them lots of hugs and laughter.

Your date was obviously a very loving demonstrative person. Kids want that more than candy.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 26
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/22/2013 7:54:39 PM

The fact is, YOU are the parent, and a child raised without the need to emotionally attach to every person they interact with or who is involved with their parents is going to not "glom" or attach quickly after a certain age, and the type of interaction you allow is important, too.

People will drift in and out of our lives, it's not perfect, but it's a fact. My son likes to meet my dates, as he feels better knowing who I am out with. He thinks he's my bodyguard, lol.

I agree.
I have a daughter, and what she thinks of my new friend is important, sometimes she sees something i might have misses. There were times when she told me his new person didn't like me, and she was right.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 27
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/9/2013 4:54:31 PM
(emilyjoh) I feel very lucky that I am not looking for a "daddy" for my kids--


So many women say this, or variations on the words, that it's worse than useless. It's actually harmful, as it is something that is always lurking in the back of the guy's mind... as if a guy doesn't have *ENOUGH* land-mines to avoid in dating, this is just one more eggshell he has to walk on...
 KrazyChikk
Joined: 7/11/2013
Msg: 28
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/9/2013 7:01:24 PM
For me it's when I'm comfortable with it. I've found there to be less anxiety over it as my kids have aged. I don't subscribe to the rule book and would suggest you follow your maternal instincts. Rarely do they lead us astray, if ever.
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 29
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/9/2013 9:20:29 PM
I don't get the people who say they wouldn't let a date meet their kids until 6 months or so. I wouldn't want to spend 6 months of my time dating a woman without meeting her kids. Being able to get along with the kids is a good 50% of dating a single mom, so being forced to wait 6 months for something like that is just silly. However, I would really like to meet a single mom who could even date for 6 months without the relationship turning into the usual hang out with her and the kids every night snoozefest it normally becomes.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 30
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/13/2013 10:08:36 AM
I think it depends on you, your situation, and what you're looking for in a future relationship. At this point in my life, although I'd like to eventually have a relationship with someone, I do not want to get married again, and I do not want to co-habitate with another man. It's hard being a mother, and I like keeping my dating life separate. I don't see the need to introduce various men to my children as "friends", and I don't want men thinking they're instantly going to be involved in my kids' daily lives. When a man becomes a more permanent fixture in my life, then we can discuss him meeting my children.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 31
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/13/2013 6:32:53 PM

Ok, so you've pretty much ruled out any point in dating except for sex and or just being friends...
So, without long term plans for guys, why not introduce your kids...?
Essentially, any guy you are with, is just a friend since you don't plan on marrying or living with him...... and I'm sure your kids have probably met many of your friends male or female...


Oh wait, the whole point in dating is to move in together or get married??? Where the hell have I been? I'm glad you defined that. Now I can tell my friends who have been dating for 3 years without living together that they're just friends too! (rolls eyes)

MY friends are people that stay in my life. Guys I date do not. There is a significant difference whether you choose to recognize it or not. There is no point in introducing them unless I see it as becoming something long term. Raise your kids, I'll raise mine.
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 32
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/13/2013 7:37:31 PM

MY friends are people that stay in my life. Guys I date do not.


So this even rules out the guys you date from becoming friends then? I don't think I ever dated a woman who made it so clear that I would be a second class citizen in her life.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 33
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/13/2013 8:22:40 PM
When my kids were younger, I kept dating separate from my time with them. To be honest, I hadn't met anyone that I thought I wanted to have in my life long term and wasn't prepared to introduce my kids to random guys.

I also had a problem with others and the revolving door to their bedrooms while their children were in the next room, I still have a problem with that.

Once my kids were older teens, I did introduce them to dates and every time my son would look the guy in the eye and ask "are you going to be my new daddy?" First time he did it, I just about killed him, but hey that was his personality and it quickly weeded out the ones lacking a strong sense of humour.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 34
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/13/2013 8:32:50 PM

That being said, I would not date a woman who wasn't serious...

Good thing I'm not interested in dating you.


Me: MY friends are people that stay in my life.
You: What do you do about new friends then? Do they not meet your kids?


I already answered your question. Did my statement not make sense??

My kids, my FRIENDS, are permanent staples in my life. I choose for them to interact. Men that may or may not get a second date or are not considered long term, do not. Plain and simple.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 35
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/14/2013 2:06:39 PM
I'm not so sure why this is so hard for you to understand. Dates are not friends, and your argument is irrelevant and it seems like you're just grasping at straws now. The REAL question is, Does it impact my kids' lives if they're NOT introduced to the people I date?? NOT AT ALL.
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 36
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/18/2013 6:03:56 PM
(emilyjoh) I feel very lucky that I am not looking for a "daddy" for my kids--




So many women say this, or variations on the words, that it's worse than useless.


In all fairness, not every women with kids is looking for a "daddy" for their kids. The problem is because every women says it and doesn't always mean it. Women like the OP, Lexti and others that have split cusody/ involved fathers probally aren't looking for a father for thier kids. Theoretically, with their custody arangement, they probally could carry on a LTR with someone and never have him meet the kids. It's the goof balls with 24/7 custody that say it and don't mean it that spoil it for the whole bunch. If you have 24/7 custody (no involved father) of your children AND have a reasonable expectation of cohabitating/ marrying with a man before all the kids are 13 or so, you ARE looking for a father for them, whether you admit to it or not. There is no logistical way around that.


Oh wait, the whole point in dating is to move in together or get married??? Where the hell have I been? I'm glad you defined that. Now I can tell my friends who have been dating for 3 years without living together that they're just friends too! (rolls eyes)


I found it amusing that all the posts on this thread matched lock-step of all of my personal expierences. I dated alot of women with children while I was in my twenties. Everyone I dated that had kids full-time, there always seemed to be a rush to move in or they thrust the kids upon me. In contrast, two women I dated that had their childs' father involved was completely different. The relationship was really lax, no pressure. I would have to say they were more adament about keeping seperate residences then I was, since I guess they enjoyed their solitute after being married. It was a night and day difference and I suppose time, money and energy, or lack there of was the driving factor.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 37
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/18/2013 9:20:26 PM
^^^THANK YOU, Peter! Finally! Someone that understands! THIS is the reason that I have taken a step back from dating and will probably remain alone for awhile. It seems near IMPOSSIBLE to find someone that understands the dynamics of what you describe above and what I seek in a relationship. I want to share with someone the great aspects of being in a relationship. Not homework, projects, laundry, bills, etc. These things take a toll on relationships, and the joy is often lost in the process. My kids, my home, my problems. In keeping my dating life separate, I can enjoy the time I spend with someone and give them my full focus when we are together, like when I go to work. My focus is on WORK. Having someone to share discussion of these things with is different than burdening someone's life with these things. It's not fair to them or my children.

Unfortunately, this is also something difficult to convey in dating, as it is often misconstrued that I am seeking a FWB type situation. Men in my age range (35-45) seem to be of one of two mindsets. They are either 1. Searching for the "one" to settle down and get married, or 2. Just get laid. I can't seem to find that middle ground with anyone, EXCEPT men in their 20s. And I think this is because they aren't thinking that far ahead. That clock is not ticking for them, and physical attractiveness overrides any age differences. This is difficult for me, though, as I find it equally hard to relate to these much younger men.
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 38
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/19/2013 10:23:24 AM
THANK YOU, Peter! Finally! Someone that understands!


Anytime. :) I really don't know how you are having such difficulty. Most men that are over 35 and done having children would jump at your scenario. I guess its different strokes for different folks. I'm like you, I dont need someone hanging on me 24/7 or seeing them everyday when I wake up. I thoroughly enjoy solitude at times.



I feel very lucky that I am not looking for a "daddy" for my kids--


I just wanted to add something on the flip side of my previous post. There is nothing wrong with someone who IS looking for a daddy for thier kids. The issue is not being up front about it. Things don't work out they way we plan in life and I am sure most women with children didn't plan on having fatherless children.

I think the majority of women who are looking for a replacement daddy feel that they will put off men if the say they are. I don't think all men would be put off by the responisibilty than more so of the lack of viable interest that I refered to on another thread. I assume they think if a man takes on her responsibilties then she would be obilgated to perform hers ( baring subsquent children, letting him be king of the castle). Since most women aren't wanting to do that, I guess if they think the guy is not "technically" raising her kids or a "daddy" to them, then she is wavered in performing her tradtional spousal duties. Just kinda seems half-a$$ to me and unappealable to many.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 39
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 10/19/2013 12:44:31 PM

Anytime. :) I really don't know how you are having such difficulty. Most men that are over 35 and done having children would jump at your scenario. I guess its different strokes for different folks. I'm like you, I don't need someone hanging on me 24/7 or seeing them everyday when I wake up. I thoroughly enjoy solitude at times.


^^^Exactly! By nature, I'm an independent person that needs my freedom in order to be happy. I can't deal with clingy men and I'm not the type to text back and forth all day either. Even when I was married, I very much enjoyed giving my ex time out with his friends and having alone time. I honestly never thought it would be this difficult! Maybe it's just with online dating, but I'm finding that a good bit of them have no children. Those that do, still want to rush into settling down and possibly having more and are mapping out our future potential after a first date. I'm not at an ideal child bearing age, and I've only got about 6 more years before mine are all out of the house. No way would I consider starting over!
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 40
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 11/3/2013 12:10:52 PM
Jamesin2013- Sarcastic much?!
I haven't introduced anyone to my children yet and I won't until I'm exclusive with them.
Will it work out? Who knows
Maybe you should just skip names when you bring yet another person into your children's lives and just have them take a number.
Who's that daddy? That's #12 sweetie.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 41
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 11/3/2013 3:32:39 PM

If you have 24/7 custody (no involved father) of your children AND have a reasonable expectation of cohabitating/ marrying with a man before all the kids are 13 or so, you ARE looking for a father for them, whether you admit to it or not. There is no logistical way around that.


You know it's funny, my experience of dating when my kids were young was much different from this. I was not looking for a daddy, I did not need help, criticism etc from some guy. Seems like I got a lot of that. No matter how clear I made it right from the start that, while the kids didn't see much of their dad, they already had a father and didn't need another one. Guess I just picked the wrong ones.

Let's start with the guy who, after 6 weeks of dating, told me when he moved in I would have to get rid of the cats because he didn't like cats and that he would help me get the kids in line because they obviously needed discipline. H3ll, he hadn't even met them yet! Needless to say, he didn't make it to 7 weeks of dating.

Not the first to tell me how to raise my kids and not the last. Finally gave up for a few years. Wasn't looking for someone to move in quickly, wasn't looking for a new daddy and certainly wasn't looking to be told repeatedly that I lacked parenting skills. (from men who didn't have kids and had never met mine)

I get the point of not wanting kids involved until you was sure the relationship had a chance to go somewhere, hell my kids were in their 20s before they met anyone I was dating, by then I figured they were old enough to handle seeing mom with a guy.

Now before anyone goes off on the great disservice to the kids, they are both involved in happy, healthy adult relationships and they did all without revolving men in my life.
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