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 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 26
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tellPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Melissa, you are in the Justifying Zone.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/revisted-the-justifying-zone/
 Mikare
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 27
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 12:51:54 PM
You must live in a very small town To locate the hotel, the restaurant, and the location of her car... I would wonder what's in it for either of you two women.....
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 28
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 12:57:15 PM
I think you are being emotionally used. He is still into her..figuratively and other...
If you want to standby till he is done..because he will be back., then it is up to you
 ReadBeforeWriting
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 29
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 1:08:47 PM
OP, you seem intelligent from your writing and pretty in your photos.
Why would you want to continue with a fellow who has ANY FEELINGS for another female?

I agree that he is more "confused" and caught in a tangle of feelings/attraction he likely has for BOTH of you, rather than trying to score/be a dog/player etc as some are saying. However...being caught between two females means YOU are NOT the singular object of his feelings (and for him to say he would be hurt if you dated others is really unfair under these conditions); SHE has at least a part of his attention and WHY, why why would you want to be invested in a male who has feelings of attachment for another?
Dating multiple people and being straight up about so doing is one thing; that is NOT what he is doing in this case.

He wanted to be with her badly enough to LIE TO YOU to BE WITH HER.
That says it all. She means enough/he is sexually into her enough that he was willing to RISK what you two were developing.
He likes you, but not as much as he does her.
Second fiddle shall be your position if you continue with him. You're too pretty to settle for that.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 30
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 1:26:33 PM

OP, you seem intelligent from your writing and pretty in your photos.
Why would you want to continue with a fellow who has ANY FEELINGS for another female?

I agree that he is more "confused" and caught in a tangle of feelings/attraction he likely has for BOTH of you, rather than trying to score/be a dog/player etc as some are saying. However...being caught between two females means YOU are NOT the singular object of his feelings (and for him to say he would be hurt if you dated others is really unfair under these conditions); SHE has at least a part of his attention and WHY, why why would you want to be invested in a male who has feelings of attachment for another?
Dating multiple people and being straight up about so doing is one thing; that is NOT what he is doing in this case.

He wanted to be with her badly enough to LIE TO YOU to BE WITH HER.
That says it all. She means enough/he is sexually into her enough that he was willing to RISK what you two were developing.
He likes you, but not as much as he does her.
Second fiddle shall be your position if you continue with him. You're too pretty to settle for that.




I agree with all of this. I am trying to get some thinking done and get my thoughts straight before I get home tonight to talk. I do at least want to hear him out and see what he has to say. In my mind I know that I have to let him go resolve his issues with her, which I am sure will not change. She is the first woman he had feelings for in 2 years since his split from the wife. Maybe just having a hard time letting go, but I know he was not happy with her before and probably won't be if he tries again, that's something he's going to have to figure out for himself.

I don't know that I think he likes her more than me as much as he can';t let go and she has been up his a** non stop for the past week and a half. She wasn't going to let this go. After 2 weeks of that she finally got him to see her because I know he didn't see her for the first 2 weeks we were actually dating. One of her friends did see us out the other night and probably told her that too, which might have made her crank it up a little.

I pretty much know how I am going to handle it but will hear him out and it will be a discussion no matter what.
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 31
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 1:48:14 PM
Serial daters= Avoid at all costs.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 32
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 2:01:00 PM
Take all feelings out of the equation.

If you prefer the company of ethical men, this one is not for you.

I know life can be messy, I know people can feel confused...it is NO justification for lying...and the only reason you are wavering is because of how he made you FEEL.

Feelings are great, but they are not enough. You have to trust and respect someone to have a relationship and so far all you got is warm fuzzy feelings.

Im telling you straight up, you will regret allowing him any deeper inside your heart. That is a fact.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 33
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 2:10:10 PM
Now I get it. It was the evil ex made him do it.

We'll call this star-crossed lover's tale "The Witch, the Gun, and the Sleazy Motel.". There was a gun, am I right? Otherwise, how can it have been all the evil ex's fault.

Femaleconnection is right on. What you accept in the beginning, you can expect in the end.

This man has you so unhinged after TWO weeks, that you follow him all the way to a motel, where he's banging his ex, and you somehow expect that you'll be able to have an honest talk with him, on a level playing field? Just by virtue of the fact that you want to talk to him still, he knows he has you exactly where he wants you.

Denial and rationalization at their finest!
 demux21
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 34
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 2:24:35 PM
The simple answer is never date someone who just walked out a situation that has not been dead for months. It is realistic that 2 people who have been together to go through anger, sadness, depression and loneliness before they get over that person. If you jump on there you are just a means to the next emotion and they will go through those emotions until the stress of that emotion wins and they go see the other person. No one is more on the same page with this person than the person they broke up with.
Makeup sex is the best even if its just for a week. Emotionally nothing you have to offer even compares. I hate to be the bad voice on this but the lies are buried in this and the guilt that comes with that will likely keep them together. Not may not seem logical but they are looking for any reason to ease their pain.
 SILLYGIRL111
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 35
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 2:35:59 PM
He is cheating on you. He is lying to you. I would move on and have nothing to do with him anymore. You should never go with someone that has just gotten out of a relationship.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 36
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 2:47:37 PM

I think he did it because he is unsure at this point in time and needs time to figure it out


I think you’re giving him way too much credit. He wanted to get laid by his girlfriend, so he did. You only have his word they broke up, right? What do you think he’s gonna say, “Yes, I will lie to you and hurt you.” Do you think he hasn’t told every other woman he’s known that he opens up to her more than any other….blah blah blah frickety blah.

You need your bullshit meter checked. I wouldn’t waste one more moment on him.

Also I find it ironic that one of his come ons to you was that he couldn’t trust his girlfriend, as he’s taking off in your car with you….. you need to pay more attention to stuff like this and quit believing everything and anything some ahole tells you.

Who’s got the tickets, btw? If you do, just grab a good friend and have fun. If he does, go get them and tell him you hope he has a Happy Valentine’s Day.


I just got this text from him...

"Having a tough time right now with everything. I will call you in a half hour. My minds a mess. You , my brother, my parents, the wife, Theresa, my kids and me. christ, I just don't know anymore"


Poor baby. Leading women on must be sooooo exhausting.

He sounds like a tool who lets other people run his life. What are you doing? Are you really that desperate? Find an available man who thinks for himself. Jeez.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 37
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 6:01:10 PM
I see nothing wrong with being JUST friends with this guy and supporting him through this difficult time as a friend. I might go out on a date with him once a week. Sure... go ahead and see your favorite comedian. It will be fun. However, be realistic. He still has issues to work out with his ex-girlfriend. There is no harm if you keep your emotional distance from him. Driving around town looking for his truck... isn't quite keeping your emotional distance. It looks a little crazy. If he brings up the issue of being exclusive again... it would be best to tell him NO... that you'd rather work on being friends and building trust between each other. Give him a couple of months. Date other people... nothing serious. If you two still feel strongly about each other... then so be it... be exclusive with each other.

Personally, I think that it is best to be honest with people. However, people who feel strongly about exclusivity often end up being lied to... especially if they are dating a multi-dater.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 38
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 6:38:35 PM
What a mess.

I don't think these two can be friends, it's already one big toxic, messed up drama fest. The OP can't be just friends with this guy, she already has feelings for him (who knows why though) so for her to say she'll just be friends is being manipulative too.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 39
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/13/2013 6:44:53 PM
I just got this text from him..."Having a tough time right now with everything. I will call you in a half hour. My minds a mess. You , my brother, my parents, the wife, Theresa, my kids and me. christ, I just don't know anymore"


I don't understand why some women seem to be so attacted to a man with so much drama in thier lives when there are so many other men to choose from. I suppose it 's no different than being attracted to the bad boy type rather than the nice guy ... some women just seem to find guys with more issues than Readers Digest attractive for some reason
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 40
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 5:04:16 AM

for her to say she'll just be friends is being manipulative too


How is that being manipulative? That is what they are. They are just friends. They hang out in the same group of friends. They have been doing this for a long time. Plus, they haven't had sex with each other. The OP has been running ahead in her mind thinking that she is going to be in a relationship with this man because he started talking about being in a relationship. That's not healthy. Realistically... he's not over his ex yet. So.... She's got to get a hold of her emotions right now otherwise they probably won't even be able to be friends yet alone something greater than friends. The best thing to do is take a step backwards and date other people. In two months... things probably will be different... less messed up... less drama. It's better to get to know someone better and see if you can actually trust the person before you decide to be exclusive.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 41
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 5:15:40 AM
How is that being manipulative? That is what they are. They are just friends


They're friends huh? Since when do *friends* do a drive by to check to see if they are home then start freaking because another car is in the drive then call him out on it? I can't remember all of the stuff she posted but none of it is healthy. She's reacting from a place of fear not a from a place of trust.

I completely agree with you on the rest of your post but their story is different. She should have been just friends from the start, none of the kissing, holding, pouring their souls out to each other. They started developing an intimate relationship too fast and too early, I think it will be very difficult for them to be just friends now.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 42
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 6:41:18 AM

Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell, is hardly what this thread is about


OMG.... This whole thing reads like a bad novel.

I think the OP is more emotionally vulnerable than she let on, allowed herself to be sweet talked by a guy with an ex, who most likely wasn't an ex to begin with & then got caught up in the fantasy of what if. Finding out he's burning both ends of the candle would be enough to send most running but she's still in fantasy land over him & no wonder since she ranks high on the f*cked up scale too with the spying & stalking.

From my experience in life, where there's one lie there's many & no matter how much sugar you put on sh*t, it's still sh*t.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 43
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 6:50:30 AM
So you want an update. We only talked briefly as he had been out for a few beers and I didn't really want to get into under those circumstances. He did tell me that he was with her and that they talked and they got some things resolved but he did not hear the things that he wanted to hear from her. I also told him that I knew about the hotel, he was obviously upset with me but said that he could understand why I did it, not that it was right and it freaked him out little, but he got it. He is already annoyed with her so I don't see much good coming out of that if they try again but he's going to have to figure that out for himself. I am trying to rid the drama from my life and this is just bringing it into my life. I told him as much.

I can see in his face how torn and upset he is at the moment. I believe that in his mind he thought he was protecting me from being hurt by knowing. I told him that honesty is always the best route even if it causes pain. I think the real reason was that he wanted to avoid confrontation judging by some of the things he said. I've made enough mistakes in my past to know better than to allow this to go forward. I did tell him I would like to still go tonight and enjoy the show, that it means a lot to me and I wrote him a letter with the Valentine's Day card I got for him stating my feelings at this point but that I cannot be involved in something this messy and that he needs to take some time and figure out what it is that he wants. It seems to me that she is the needy girl who needs to be rescued all the time, I am the girl who doesn't need somebody but rather wants somebody in my life. I know the card and the letter made him cry and that he thought it was very deep. I got to express what I needed to without an emotional conversation changing my course of thought.

So we will either go tonight and have some good laughs and then I will back away or it will be as of now. Either way I am bowing out for the time being.


On a side note, I have dated a pathological liar and been in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic who was a phenomenal liar. Most of the time my gut is right but I have been swayed in the past with believable plausible stories and I refuse to let that happen again. I needed hard evidence before I let that happen. Some may not agree but it's what I had to do for me. At this point in my life, protecting me comes first.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 44
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 9:18:38 AM

I don't understand why some women seem to be so attacted to a man with so much drama in thier lives when there are so many other men to choose from. I suppose it 's no different than being attracted to the bad boy type rather than the nice guy ... some women just seem to find guys with more issues than Readers Digest attractive for some reason


I want to respond to this. Up until the last few days, none of his drama had any affect on me. It wasn't until she started with all this BS that it did. Obviously there were still some underlying feelings there and he couldn't resist when she came to him with the things she was doing to make him angry and jealous and get a reaction out of him Her latest thing with needing help with her car was just the icing on the scale and he couldn't help but help her.

And we knew each other for 4 months before we started dating and we do have mutual friends who had confirmed to me that they had broken up. I agree that when he just let it go because he was seeing me after she said to date other people and didn't chase her it probably made her crank it up a bit. And she did a good job of it too.

He'll learn his own lesson because she will never give him what he needs or wants. She already took his truck yesterday while her car was in the shop and instead of staying local went back to her own town, 20 minutes away. He was left stranded then went to pick up her car so he'd have something to drive and had to pay for it to get it and was pretty pissed. These are things I would never do to someone. I'm telling you it's going to bite him in the a**.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 45
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 9:55:08 AM
One last thing.... He was supposed to call me by noon and let me know about tonight. Well, I already called my cousin and made arrangements to go with her. I have no intention of answering his calls today if he does happen to call.
 Mikare
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 46
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 10:00:54 AM

On a side note, I have dated a pathological liar and been in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic who was a phenomenal liar. Most of the time my gut is right but I have been swayed in the past with believable plausible stories
This is a pattern of behavior that indicates boundary issues. Manipulation is a comfortable form of communication in dysfunctional relationships. Work on you, and your choices will improve,
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 47
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 10:13:08 AM

So we will either go tonight and have some good laughs and then I will back away or it will be as of now. Either way I am bowing out for the time being.

Glad to hear it!

Well, I already called my cousin and made arrangements to go with her.

Good call. Even if he did show up, you'll have a better time with her!

Thanks for updating. Makes for a pretty lousy Valentine's Day for you, but it beats being with him.
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 48
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 10:13:24 AM
Here's my take on things based entirely on what u have described.

He's having his cake and eating it too.

He's playing with ur emotions. He's trying to perhaps let the other girl go, but she keeps appearing in his life for whatever nonsense issues and he's letting her back in. If he really meant there was nothing going on between the 2 of them, then why even indulge in swapping cars? Why not tell her to F off?

If i had just broken up with my bf and I met someone new, I wouldn't swap cars with my ex for whatever BS he gave me. Once u break up with me, there are nO FAVORS! NADA.

I think instead of waiting for this guy to explain his issue to u, I think u need to beat him to the punch. And be like, listen, I know exactly what ur doing. Ur still dating the other girl, and I seen ur truck here and there including the hotel. I don't wanna hear ur BS. I'm too old for games so SEE YA!

And then ignore ALL HIS CALLS AND TEXTS!

When guys have girls interested in them, they don't chase them afterwards. If they were seriously interested in u, they wouldn't have to lie and hide things from u. They would do it openly if there was nothing to hide.

Clearly, if he respected ur feelings, which he doesn't, he wouldn't have swapped his car.

I suggest dumping him like a ton of bricks and move on.

Plenty of fishes in the sea! Ppl only get one chance, so why ruin that chance?
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 49
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 10:20:00 AM

I don't understand why some women seem to be so attacted to a man with so much drama in thier lives when there are so many other men to choose from.


I think its because the women themselves are full of drama. What was all that stalking, evidence collection, hearing him out, inviting him out on valentines day etc etc. DRAMA! To be fair, I suspect the guy and his gf are drama queens too so they all birds of a feather flocking together.

When 2 NORMAL people want to be together they will be mutually available to each other. Physically and emotionally. If one of them isnt, the other party should get the message, have some self respect, move on and find someone who is. No need for one to chase, convince or manipulate the other.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 50
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 10:37:25 AM
Always follow your initial gut instincts...

The first couple of months that I knew him I did not care for him at all and avoided him when I could.


What did he mean in his text by "the wife"?? His EX wife?
I hope you stay away from this guy for good. He doesn't seem worth it at all.
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