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 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 51
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tellPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)


I think its because the women themselves are full of drama. What was all that stalking, evidence collection, hearing him out, inviting him out on valentines day etc etc. DRAMA! To be fair, I suspect the guy and his gf are drama queens too so they all birds of a feather flocking together.

When 2 NORMAL people want to be together they will be mutually available to each other. Physically and emotionally. If one of them isnt, the other party should get the message, have some self respect, move on and find someone who is. No need for one to chase, convince or manipulate the other.


Don't group me in that. I did not cause the drama. If I was trying to cause drama, I would have gone to one of the places they were and confronted them right then and there. It was for ME to have peace of mind so if he tried to lie to me, I would know. So what does that make all the PI's who do that for a living? The people who hire them? Spies? It is a way of getting information, it is what you do with it afterwards that makes it one thing or another. Again, there was no drama until she started with it. Hearing him out is drama? Get real. and the plans for tonight, we made them and bought the tickets a week ago. I just wanted to make sure I could go see it because it's my favorite comedian. I have not called him today and try to convince him to go or anything of the sort. I called my cousin and made other arrangements on my own. I have no intention of telling him I made other arrangements if and when he does call. So this makes me a drama person. no....
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 52
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 11:09:52 AM
The drama started when he accepted texts and calls from her and continued to engage with her.

That's when I would have pointed out that I'm not comfortable with this. ONCE. The second time, I would have told him that I don't date men with sloppy boundaries with their exes, and he would have been out the door.

That's how I keep drama out of my life. Clean boundaries.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 53
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 11:10:02 AM

Ditto Helenbackagain, just need to add, well done, now stick to what you have said and don't be swayed. Its hes mess, he needs to sort it, if he wants you he can come look for you when hes cleared his mess up and maybe you'll still be around, and maybe you wont. At least you know where you stand, so does he. Hope you had the best time when you went out and even enjoyed ignoring his text/call.


Thank you. That is going to be the hard part, staying strong. I developed pretty strong feelings for him in those few weeks. It was shock to me more than anyone. That is exactly how I feel, he needs to clean up his own mess and I cannot be a part of it. The fact that he has not even bothered to call and say whether he is going or not has me madder than I can tell you. It will be interesting to see what he does from here. I am determined to do my best to stay strong.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 54
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 11:14:15 AM

The drama started when he accepted texts and calls from her and continued to engage with her.

That's when I would have pointed out that I'm not comfortable with this. ONCE. The second time, I would have told him that I don't date men with sloppy boundaries with their exes, and he would have been out the door.

That's how I keep drama out of my life. Clean boundaries


I agree with you. The first time it happened was Thursday and he came to me and told me everything on his own. I have had my antenna up since then which is why I knew something was off on Tuesday. This crap on Tuesday is the second time. I just didn't fully expect it because he seemed so pissed when she did it last week. He even said to me that he knows the cause of the drama is almost completely because of her and that I had nothing to do with it.

I also said that an ex is an ex and asked why he continued to engage in it if he hated drama so much. I'm not sure he even understands why. Whatever. They have all the same friends but being civil to each other does not include all this extra stuff, it's something you deal with when the times comes, not like this.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 55
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/14/2013 11:14:34 AM

I know the card and the letter made him cry and that he thought it was very deep.


Um. Somehow I’m having a hard time picturing a woman juggler crying over anything other than his own tender hide. You’re living a bad Harlequin romance, here, IMO.

What is so appealing about this guy? I’m sure he’s quite pleased you back-burnered yourself for him, just waiting for him whenever he’s “ready,” You don’t back away from a guy after just one more night….you drop him, cold and completely.


I have no intention of answering his calls today if he does happen to call.


I’m taking bets.


Her latest thing with needing help with her car was just the icing on the scale and he couldn't help but help her.


And she repaid him at the motel.

I couldn’t imagine debasing myself like this for ANY man.
 ReadBeforeWriting
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 56
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/15/2013 1:57:55 PM
OP, he tolerates her nonsensical behavior because he is THAT into her despite it.
Why he is, you shall never really know. He may not even know himself.
That she is an impractical choice is irrelevant. He likely KNOWS she is, knows her flaws, but WANTS HER BADLY enough to accept her with them.

I know to those of us ruled by logic that makes little sense; but it is common enough.
She has something about her, or does something for him, or makes him feel a certain way, that is so impacting to him that her bad behaviors are trumped by it.

Giving him a Valentine under these circumstances was a good way to make sure he knows how "soft" you are and how easy you shall be to manipulate in future; please avoid him henceforth. You shall never measure up to her status in his view.
 ReadBeforeWriting
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 57
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/16/2013 5:14:37 AM
I think her taking off with his vehicle, thereby creating a situation wherein he had to PAY FOR HER REPAIRS to get hers from the mechanic, was a nicely calculated move on her part.

Two manipulators who deserve each other (them, not you).
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 58
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/16/2013 6:31:06 AM
Its seems maybe you are only hearing one side of the story and that is where you come in..you are the attentive listener. He can't bad mouth her to his guy friends because they don't want to hear it.

I'm sure he is hurt because she said she wanted to see others guys...and maybe the "others" didn't work out for her. Like you said..she probably didn't even know you were hanging out with him so her being with him is just their way of working through their issues.

If he is still doing the "manly" things for her especially even paying her bills...she is not an ex. They might be getting into a lot of arguments..and you being on the back burner certainly isn't going to help the situation.

They are still a couple. Maybe on shaky grounds but you are the third wheel and since you haven't slept with him...I don't see where there was any cheating on anyone's part.

Him trying not to hurt your feelings by telling you what he thought you wanted to hear and you sneaking around and checking him out with his gf...doesn't make either of those things right...but they happen.
 angellight2091
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 59
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:48:07 PM
You are not sleeping with him so therefore he cant be cheating on you.. You are his friend, the girl he can talk with and open up to.. Even if you were sleeping with him sex does not equal commitment.. Yes he is leading you on in the sense that he is telling you things are over with her, he doesnt want you to see other people and not to worry about her calling and texting... He has things he wants to finish with her.. Yeah like bedding her.. You are clearly more invested in this "relationship" then he is... He is out with this girl going to dinner and a hotel for the evening then ooops realizes you may see her car (or saw you checking up on him) so he better give you a quick call (while she is in the bathroom) and let you know she borrowed his car and he is going out with his cousin "Kay bye hun talk to ya tomorro.." He is being shady and thats not cool..
You stalked him for the evening found out what you needed to kno and now you have passed the point of no return... I see no problem with him seeing more than one person and you also so long as you both are honest with one another.. Its the fact that he was sketchy that I have a problem with..
 All2rosie
Joined: 2/3/2013
Msg: 60
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/23/2013 9:14:00 AM
Sounds to me like no one wants to make a choice.....

The questions does not appear to be whether or not HE wants to be with you, the question is this the guy YOU want to further develope a relationship with knowing what you know?

Question: How does he know what he really feels for you when his emotions are clouded with the remnants of the other person/relationship (if what is telling you is true/real)? How do you know what you feel for him if he is not able to really be emotionally available to you or emotionally honesty or emotionally commit to you?

You are so right that S*** happens and life CAN be complicated...but it doesn't have to be. Maybe you have to walk away and allow time and space between you.

["Having a tough time right now with everything. I will call you in a half hour. My minds a mess. You , my brother, my parents, the wife, Theresa, my kids and me. christ, I just don't know anymore" ]

####Sorry did I miss something - what wife/whose wife?
 roadrunner2525
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 61
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/23/2013 9:45:59 AM
I read your first 2 or 3 threads where you answered other people but I don't even want to read the rest of them so excuse me if I missed part of the conversation. The point I want to make is that I think women are vindictive, they are more interested in men that are already with a woman. In her case she already knew the guy which makes it even worse because she don't want him and she doesn't want him to be with someone else. You need to leave these thoughts of love alone and consider if you want to have sex with this guy because it doesn't sound like this other woman is going to disappear and the odds of you taking him from her is slim. Especially when you say that there is no sex involved. If you want to completely avoid multiple relationships than avoid people whom have recent bagage to deal with. Going to see your favorite comedian,lol that is funny. You need to go do that with some of your friends you can count on. This man can tell you stories tomorro about how his other relationship has ended. What is really going to hurt is if you continue and then find out later that he is lying. Either go in for the sex or get out with your sanity.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 62
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/23/2013 9:50:55 AM
I'm with strangedream on this one, totally.
Jan
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 63
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/23/2013 9:54:39 AM
Sounds like opp is more worried about if she is going to get to see the comedy show than her relationship .That right there shows you its over . Pretty simple .
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 64
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/25/2013 2:24:31 PM
For anyone who may be interested, here's a little update. I went to the show with my cousin and had a great time. The Friday after Valentine's Day, I wrote him a long letter so I could get out all of the things that I needed to say without any BS. I ended up seeing him out that night at karaoke and gave it to him at the end of the night. We actually had a great time hanging out that night and 3 different people came up to him and made comments about me and how happy he looked. I find that very interesting. The mutual friend who I feel has been trying to get in the way of him and I being together, was pissed at the end of the night that he and I had been talking and gotten along, she hasn't talked to me since.

He came over Saturday afternoon and sat and had a long talk with me. He said he had strong feelings for me too but that it was too much with everything going on and that he had to figure out his stuff with her first, that it wasn't fair to keep me hanging in there until he did and didn't feel that he had any right to ask me to wait. He knows he is happy with me, that everyone sees it, but he was just not ready and to please give him some space. I saw him the Monday and Tuesday after that when I was driving home, Monday I stopped and talked to him for a few, Tuesday I stopped and asked him to give me a few things he had of mine. He had a crappy attitude with me those 2 days but then came looking for me Wednesday night at trivia and apologized to me for the way he'd been acting.

We ended up getting together Saturday night for a couple hours, just chatting and spent the day together Sunday and had an amazing time. I am back to be being guarded regarding him but will see what happens. We stopped into the local place where we hang out last night for a drink and the mutual friend was there. She absolutely freaked out when she saw us together and told him to go "F" himself. They ended up getting into quite the argument and he told her that it is his life and he is going to live it how he wants and do what makes him happy. I was glad to see him finally stand up for himself and for me. I have a feeling she had a lot to do with him being like he was with me, feeding him a lot of BS about me and putting things in his head. So for now, we are back to being friends and we will see what happens from here. I am not jumping back into anything and intend to stay guarded for quite some time but am curious to see how things go. At the very least, we have our friendship back and things will not be awkward on Wednesday nights when I go to play trivia.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 65
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/25/2013 2:36:45 PM
So, you only saw him Friday, Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Yeah, that's space alright.

The games people play!
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 66
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/25/2013 2:43:08 PM
Diagnosis: Drama Addict, confirmed.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 67
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/25/2013 2:49:10 PM
I am going to see him out and about as we both go to trivia on Wednesdays and to either karaoke on Fridays or Sunday nights to the same place. Wednesday night at trivia, we only talked for a few minutes, he apologized and we played on separate teams . The other 2 days, Monday and Tuesday, I was driving right by him, which is also going to happen a lot in a small town center and since we live a mile apart and it was only for 5 minute either time. I am not going to completely change my life or stop doing what I do or going where I go to try to avoid him. If he wants more space, he can avoid me and change where he goes. Not my responsibility. He has to figure this out for himself. If he decides this is what he wants then I will worry about it and make my own decisions later, I don't have to figure anything out right now, just keep living my life and keep myself aware of things, my eyes open and my heart guarded and not make stupid mistakes.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 68
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/25/2013 4:21:55 PM

OK, so here's a little background; I apologize because it's a little long. I met a guy locally through a friend. The first couple of months that I knew him I did not care for him at all and avoided him when I could. Then a few weeks ago we were all out on a Sunday night and he and I got a chance to talk more. We actually got along pretty well and he asked me out. I knew that he had been dating someone but was having problems with her and was not happy with the way she treated him and also did not trust her. I ended up driving him home that night and we talked for about an hour in the car. We started to text and talk and I would drive him home a couple nights a week and we would talk more. (for those of you who are going to ask, his transmission blew and truck was being repaired)

That girl and he broke up 2 and a half weeks ago for good. Over the last 2 weeks we have spent a lot of time together. He has brought me flowers, wine, we have cooked, gone out to play pool and trivia and talked more hours than I can count. It has been a lot of fun. The chemistry between us is amazing and we connect really well, which we have talked about. He has told me a lot of personal things and said that I am very easy to talk to and that he has never opened up to anyone the way he has with me, not even his family or ex-wife. He spent 5 out of the last 7 nights at my house, we had a blizzard here in MA and he spent most of it with me. We also have tickets to a show for Valentine's Day.

The problem here is that the girl he was dating keeps texting and calling him, sending him pics of her with another guy, pics pf her dressed up for Halloween and other nonsense. He keeps reassuring me that it is over but he wants answers to some things and closure. Tells me I have nothing to worry about and that he wouldn't hurt me. That I have affected him more than I can possibly know in the past few weeks. Well, yesterday I never hear from him and I got that feeling in my gut, you know the one. He lives a mile from me and I drive by his house all the time, that's how I go to and from my house. So yesterday, her car is parked there and I didn't hear from him at all which is unusual. He finally calls me at 6:45 last night and tells me that she asked to borrow his truck for something, that's why her car is there, that he is not with her, they just swapped. Again, tells me not to worry. He rushed me off the phone saying that his cousin was there to pick him up to go do something and that we would talk tomorrow (meaning today)

In my gut, I know he is lying. I looked a little around town and sure enough his truck was parked at a restaurant/bar down the street. Now I know they are out together. Later on, still not home, her car still there and I guessed that they would probably have gone to a hotel (he lives with his brother and would not bring her back there to spend the night) Sure enough, his truck is at a hotel down the street. So now obviously I am pretty upset. You can call me crazy for doing this but I had to know if I was right. I did not confront them or cause any kind of scene, but I do have this info. It will be interesting to see what kind of story he comes up with.

I haven't talked to him yet and am not sure how to handle this. She is the first relationship he has had since his divorce. If he wants to go back with her, why keep it going with me? Why wouldn't he just tell me the truth? Is he trying to feel both situations out and see what he wants? Do I wait to see of he tells me the truth? I am at a loss. I have developed pretty strong feelings for him over the last month and he has told me the same. Obviously I cannot take him at his word right now.

Last night he told me we would talk today. We are also supposed to go play trivia tonight and I really want to go to this show tomorrow, it is to go see my favorite comedian. What to do?


^^^^ ****SIGH**** ^^^^
 mizzouchick38
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 69
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 2/25/2013 5:35:56 PM
Driving by is one thing. Stopping to just "talk" for 5 minutes is another thing. And the whole mutual friend thing is nothing but drama. You aren't trying to give him space, the exact opposite.

Keeping yourself aware of things is probably the stalking in the hotel parking lot thing over and over again. Good luck. You can tell yourself your heart is guarded but from the outside looking in....nope. You are setting yourself up for hurt!
 Freak-Magnet
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 70
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Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 3/2/2013 3:56:19 AM
You teach people how to treat you.

You sound like a lovely person who really hopes this guy is genuine. I hope he is too.

What would say it if was your best friend in this dilemma?
 ladywyatt
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 71
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 3/2/2013 5:04:44 AM
OP....That's sooo nice of him to want you to date only him while he continues to bang another. You were a rebound, someone to keep him entertained while he either got over her or took her back,

It's time to no longer allow newly met men to manipulate you into just waiting around on them while they have others in their pockets.

The only way any woman should agree to being exclusive is if HE agrees to being exclusive also AND this exclusivity should only be done AFTER dating for more than 4-5 dates AND you are both sure this is going somewhere.

I have had this trick pulled on me a couple of times....men that didn't want me dating others but they continued to see others.....Of course when I figured it all out and started dating others also, you can imagine their reactions....of course I was the wrong one in their eyes...LOL...double standards.....BLEAH

EDIT: Wasted my time posting this I see....give him space?? Stopping by his house?? You are just as guilty of stalking him as she is....hope the "prize" is worth it...bet he banged that "mutual friend" too...she probably knows even more about him than you or his ex does....he sounds like he has a good game going
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 72
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 3/2/2013 5:53:38 AM
You are suffering from oxytocin withdrawal. Your female brain is searching for any answer on these forums to rationalize his behavior. I implore you to immediately stop this destructive behavior and enroll in confidence building course to boost your self esteem. Also, please choose men who don't need you to shuttle them around whole their transmission is being repaired.
 tws92
Joined: 7/26/2010
Msg: 73
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 3/2/2013 6:36:45 AM
I had a similar experience, run for the hills. I met this women who had recently come out of a ltr and reassured me that it was over when I voiced my concerns about being a rebound. Things were great for the first month but once the guy learned she was dating someone else he would do similar things to what you mention. As it turns out he was a Dr so each time she had a question or needed an Rx she would reachout to him. Over time she became manipulative and would turn things around on me when she felt guilty. Things became really bad and eventually I walked and never looked back. I lost who I was became anxious and always felt she was secretly seeing and talking to him. I learned a lot from the experience once my head cleared. Always set your boundries, stick to them and be prepared to walk the red flags appear. Stick with your gut and don't compromise. We were together for 9 months but looking back I should have left after the first month. I wasted my time energy and values which is not a good thing.
 vasculartech
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 74
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 3/2/2013 1:13:40 PM

"Having a tough time right now with everything. I will call you in a half hour. My minds a mess. You , my brother, my parents, the wife, Theresa, my kids and me. christ, I just don't know anymore"



This is usually coming from a man who is about to manipulate you into bed. If he is a mess, he is a mess. I am not sure what you think he is going to have left to invest in a relationship. Let the other woman deal with his mess. She won't end up with him either.
 billnde
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 75
Dating multiple people, to tell or not to tell
Posted: 3/2/2013 3:07:37 PM
He lied pure and simple you have 2 choices accept that behavior and get more of it or reject it and send his ass packing Anything else and you become an enabler
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