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Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 26
Cheating...forgive?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I vote also for no mercy. He can find support anyway elsewhere.
This situation is not for you.
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 27
Posted: 2/13/2013 8:52:32 PM
I haven't read what others have posted....

In My Opinion, no. You should not continue.

You're 29. I am completely assuming, but you may want a relationship that leads to kids?
You state in your profile, you're a happy person - you would be able to COUNT on your happiness being destroyed if you decide to stay with someone who's got an addiction problem.
An addiction problem will never, ever be gone, perhaps managed, yes, gone, never.
It took 6 months for this problem to be seen and felt by you. Only 6 months.
His family - where are they? It's one of 2 things - they've either given up on him and refuse to have anything to do with him (thusly you'll be on your own with this problem) ,
they've "allowed" this to go on and enabled him (thusly you'll be on your own with this problem).
You will never ever fix him. ever.

This is so ONLY his road. My advise is to not go down that road with him. It only leads to heart break.
You can forgive him, that's doable. But don't go back for more.
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 28
Posted: 2/13/2013 9:35:28 PM
I know a guy that did the rehab, was sober for a while, then had a single drink...

...which spiraled into him going all-out with the alcohol.

So he went back to the rehab for a second time.

Since I've known him (10+ years) he hasn't touched alcohol, so, it's not impossible that your man stays clean.

I guess the question is, do you love the guy? Is he special? Is he worth it?
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 29
Posted: 2/13/2013 9:46:50 PM
Only You can decide to forgive someone.
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 30
Posted: 2/14/2013 6:55:50 AM
From my selfish point of view I'd move on. They may be a great guy/gal sober BUT in the end the what if's would chase me away & I wouldn't invest anymore emotions into them or open myself up to be hurt again. I'd be walking on eggshells out of fear of setting off a binge & eventually resent it. I'd feel different if they were long time out of rehab & sober but dealing with their problems at the beginning of a relationship would be a no go for me.
Joined: 2/4/2013
Msg: 31
Posted: 2/14/2013 9:58:00 AM
Ditch the Douchebag...he has no respect for you for cheating on you..and you dont need that unneccessary Drama in your life..there are many men out there who will have respect for you and love you and care for you enough to never do that to you..this man sounds like an royal *** opinion to you..
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 32
view profile
Posted: 2/14/2013 10:07:22 AM
If you knew he was an alcoholic when you met him, would you even have dated him in the first place?
He's starting recovery and most programs suggest you do not start a realtionship until you are completely sober. He is not and can fall off the wagon any day.
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 33
Posted: 2/14/2013 10:14:12 AM
First off...You may need to educate yourself on his addiction...go to alonon or google it...whatever.
He doesn't get it...he is an alcoholic...he can never drink casually..not even one....for a lifetime.
He hasn't accepted it yet....he really shouldn't be in a all.
He more than likely blacked, he can't remember anything....thus, yeah...there was no condom used.

They are decent nice people but this is a desease....they can't control on their own.
Asking you to be with very unfair to you.
If you forgive and forget so easily...he hasn't learned any consequences for his drinking.

I would need to take the time on your own and get real.
Maybe down the road it will work out between you two....who knows.
I successfully had 17 years with a past alcoholic....he did not drink at all.
He had quit before I met does happen.
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 34
Posted: 2/14/2013 1:53:22 PM
It is interesting that he told you. Many drunk men have problems performing, so who knows what happened?
But you are asking strangers to harden your heart - reads like you actually want to give him another chance. Problem with alcoholics they can be so charming sober. Just remember it takes 2 to be co-dependent
Joined: 3/6/2006
Msg: 35
Posted: 2/14/2013 2:08:42 PM
Keep moving...You should have left when he said he was a alcoholic then started drinking again...WISE up and move on.
Joined: 3/6/2006
Msg: 36
Posted: 2/14/2013 2:12:10 PM
I agree with bloom44...And why forgive? Forgiving is for people with low self esteem who dont think they can do better.
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 37
Posted: 2/14/2013 2:58:25 PM
Move on as I dated a guy that was an alcoholic that had a real bad drinking problem and he went to Rehab for 30 days and he came out drinking worse then before he went in and then he ended up dying in August of 2010 from his drinking problems and then I was being blamed and framed for his death when I had no part in it and autopsy results showed he died from a heart attack due to heavy alcohol consumption. Now I won't have anything to do with anyone that has a drinking problem.
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 38
Posted: 2/14/2013 4:58:19 PM
let me see...

- He omitted to tell you something important about him (omission is a lie)
- Recovering alcoholic..who basically returns to his old habits. (not recovering at all..covering the image)
- No only does he return to his old habits, but even becomes mean and aggressive. (Alcohol bring out the true nature..)
- Then he cheated. (alcohol is NOT an excuse...see what alcohol does to people in reality)

Yet, again and again , YOU decide to return.

Please go look at yourself in a mirror and project those facts to yourself as a third person....
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 39
Posted: 2/14/2013 5:36:49 PM
the cycle will continue.
he is no where ready to be honest in a relationship.
forgive him if you want to...for yourself.
forgive for cheating and using your not being there at the time and alcohol as an excuse and reason to cheat?
why would you forgive him for blaming you for what he did?
he must be good with words. he will use more.
he obviously cant take responsibility for his own choices and actions...he had to blame you.
you are better than deserve an honest stable man.
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 40
view profile
Posted: 2/14/2013 5:43:00 PM
It is not like you have years and years invested into this man and relationship. Let him go and hope he heals. If you cross paths again in a couple of years and he has remained sober ALL that time, then give him another chance.

If he can still count his recovery by days and not years, then you shouldn't waste your time.
Joined: 12/22/2012
Msg: 41
Posted: 2/14/2013 5:44:40 PM
He will keep doing it,becouse you let him do it.Leave the douchebag becouse you deserve better.No one deserves to be treated like that,so you have to move on
Joined: 2/11/2013
Msg: 42
Posted: 2/14/2013 6:23:23 PM
my belief is that if someone rationalizes their cheating then they will do it again....cheating is not accidental ... i have never heard of anyone falling into someone then out of them then into them again just doesn't happen
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 43
Posted: 2/14/2013 6:23:23 PM

My question is should I forgive?

IMO understanding is far more important than "forgiving" him.

I mean

He didn't tell me he was a recovering alcoholic... A couple months in he told me he was in rehab to get sober... after six months in he started drinking.

The guy keeps important things from you.
The guy has a problem disciplining himself from pursuing immediate gratification.

He has been going to AA everyday for 90 days and it has been 30 days and he promises he won't do that again

None of this actually means anything.
There is a huge real recidivism rate with programs. Like 95%+.
The people that are "cured" of alcoholism do so themselves. A.A. and programs just take credit for what would happen anyway, with or without the program.
IMO people that seek out A.A. and therapists for such things are really looking for a mommy to take responsibility for telling them what to do.
The only way to be "successful" in overcoming things like this is to do it yourself. Figure out how to do it, and just do it.
Just like losing weight. You have to change your life and habits. If you hire a trainer, that works for a while. Trainer leaves, you go back to bad habits over time. But still, you aren't "really" doing it for yourself, you're doing it because someone is telling you what to do, they are taking responsibility for your motivation.


Should I try with him again or move on?

Does this guy want you to be his mommy? His motivation to get "better"? Is he going to take you breaking up with him as justification to screw up his life again?
Are you okay taking that risk?

Is he still the guy that tends to go after immediately gratifying his urges?
Like with this

wants me to be his girlfriend again and promises that it was a mistake.

Did he call once, right after your breakup, and tell you "I'm really going to clean up my life. I would really like to keep you in my life romantically. I am so sorry for what I did. Please think about it and call me, we can talk about it."
And then just leave you alone?
Or does he keep calling and texting? Does he keep trying to get into contact? Does he keep having loneliness emotional jonesing urges that he contacts you to fulfill?
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 44
Posted: 2/14/2013 8:08:44 PM
I think you should stay and forgive, you seem to be attracted to these type of men that cheat and blame it on the booze, don t bother looking next to you the guy thats good.....stay with him.
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 45
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:48:32 AM
Forgiving him would be a great thing. I like this idea because he came out and told you what happened and was truly remorseful.

Dating him again...would be stupid.
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 46
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:01:44 AM
I left and that is when he found a girl to sleep with. He said if I would of stayed he wouldn't of cheated?

Ahhh, the joys of the alcoholic mentality - everything they do is ALWAYS someone else's fault. That's Rule #1.

Rule #2 is to see Rule #1.

OP, if given the choice of having your lungs removed with a rusty pitchfork or getting involved with this jack-hole again, take the pitchfork.
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 47
view profile
Posted: 2/15/2013 9:25:47 PM
I have learned over time just the fact that I like someone is not a reason to be with them. What do they bring to the game? He has already done you wrong and you were about to break up with him anyway. What does he bring to the game? He messed up and wants to try again? If thats it move along
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 48
Posted: 2/15/2013 11:45:00 PM
Move on..being an alcoholic is no excuse to cheat...
went back into rehab?
dump wont regret it
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 49
Posted: 2/18/2013 9:36:23 PM
no mam.

I have never cheated on a man and I will never accept a man cheating on me.

If I am doing something that makes him feel like he isn't important in my life then he needs to tell me so I can change it. If I don't and he leaves me (before an affair)...well, then that is MY bad. But if he gives me a chance to change my neglectful behavior, then we can work things out. If he goes ahead and has an affair because he feels like I wasn't attentive towards him...then it is HIS bad.

I will never put up with cheating. Once that trust is broken, it will never be the same...ever.
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 50
Posted: 2/18/2013 11:51:54 PM
A drunk and a cheater? Either of those things on their own should be avoided at all cost,so when you put both of them together I don't know why anyone would put up with that.
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