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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Cheating...forgive?      Home login  
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 GrayJake40
Joined: 2/20/2013
Msg: 76
Cheating...forgive?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Forgive, yes. Because it helps to fix yourself, as you move on.

Forget? No. Because it has been broken. And you've moved on.

There is absolutely no better way.
 alphacircle
Joined: 6/25/2011
Msg: 77
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/4/2013 8:53:32 AM
For me the cheating would be relatively easy to forgive. The alchoholism would be a dealbreaker.
 missajm
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 78
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/6/2013 5:28:35 PM
If someone cheated on you don't forgive him just move on because if he cheated with you once he is going to cheat with you again.
 Jesselia
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 79
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/8/2013 5:37:29 PM
Forgive but never forget. Forgiving is cathartic for you so do it and then move on.
 spacecakes113
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 80
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:32:09 PM
Update:

I did forgive him and he came back after awhile wanting to make it work. I hesitated and hesitated and gave in. But it was different. It was more like we were acting like buddies than anything so two days ago he dumped me again saying he lost attraction for me and sex was like an obligation. Ouch! So, obviously he cheated for a reason and lesson learned and I kind of feel good actually. Like taking him back helped me get over him and no I have no what ifs at all. Its over and Whew!
 strongrr
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 81
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:03:20 PM
You are a beautiful woman. Forgive him and tell him you cant allow yourself to be with someone who didnt respect you and the relationship you two shared. Than tell him kick rocks ")
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 82
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:07:37 PM
you don't think guys will drive an hour to meet/date you? According to mapquest you're 345 miles and 6 hours from me, busy this weekend? Good lord, stay away from the drunk guy, he doesn't need you to help him stop drinking, he needs himself. He falls off the wagon and becomes an ***hole and blames you? I see plenty wrong with that picture and NONE of it is your fault. Alcoholics stay alcoholics until they realize on THEIR own that they have a problem, I don't think he's reached that stage yet. I have no doubts you could do much better then this.
 yourhandyman1
Joined: 4/27/2012
Msg: 83
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/28/2013 9:49:01 PM
Glad to hear the news, that you now know where he is coming from and can reconcile yourself with the breakup. But take care that he doesn't return to ingratiate himself back into your life, because somehow, I doubt that this will be the final full stop. For your sake, I hope I'm wrong.
 Tiggiebear
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 84
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/28/2013 10:16:43 PM
No...move on. He has a big alcohol problem and you will be a fool to take him back honestly. Alcoholism is just as bad as a drug addict. He obviusly is alone for a reason.
 Tiggiebear
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 85
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/28/2013 10:17:43 PM
Yes you would be smart to take this mans advice.
 AZHONEYBEE
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 86
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/28/2013 11:24:22 PM
I say move on,once a cheater always a cheater.You desereve better.
 HerdtU
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 87
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 1:17:54 AM
My whole family is abusive alcoholics and no matter how bad I was beaten or burned they showed no remorse. My grandfather drank himself to death, and one of my uncles is in prison and the state shrink has it recommended not to let him back into society due to his last psych evaluation. Then my other uncle has continued to beat on me up until the point I started working the oil rigs and could overpower his attacks! His liver is shot now he's 48 and still drink's, sorry to get off subject but I know first hand that once you're an addict of something theres no such thing as cured it's better parts or fragments of life and there is addiction and once abusive always abusive!
You can forgive but you'll never forget I can promise that much! Unless you're into self mutilation move on because that shit is toxic for anyone. My wife cheated for year's while I was gone at work and every time one of my kid's brings her up my blood boils and I'm quick to change the subject and move on.
 zoometric
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 88
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 5:07:23 AM
I'm curious....if you're in a relationship which you are in love, him too, he says, do you continue to forgive, knowing full well that you are being taken advantage of?
 zoometric
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 89
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 5:16:54 AM

Posted By: TrishaF2011 on 3/4/2013 137 PM
Subject: Cheating...forgive?
Message: someone who blames others for their problems, in my opinion, is not mature enough to handle an adult grown up relationship. The truth is, they cannot handle their own life so they are not likely to give much of a damn about yours.
The question is not for us to answer. You have to answer it. Can you forgive him his indiscretion?, are you willing to risk this event being repeated?, are you also willing to take the blame for everything that goes wrong in this guys life?

When a person goes into rehab, even if its attending meetings at AA, they first have to own their addiction and then admit they are powerless over it. Does not sound like he has done either of those things here. Addicts are good at showing remorse, but true remorse comes with longevity and integrity about not repeating the incident. Forgiving him allows you to move forward from the incident. Forgiving him does not mean you have to then continue a relationship with him.
If he is truly committed to "cleaning himself up" again, then he should refrain from personal romantic interactions for at least a year. This is what they teach in AA. He should be using all of his energy on working on his issues and recovering from them. Getting involved in an emotional romantic relationship takes a lot of effort and energy. He is not strong enough to handle his own life alone. He has to learn how to do that. He has to learn what his shortcomings are and what his strengths are and how to recognize both. You can be supportive of his efforts but as he has clearly shown that he is willing to manipulate you, he should find another "friend" and spend a lot of time with a good solid sponsor.

This so touches base with my question. It seems to apply to situations other than only cheating or alcohol problems. Thanks
 InShapeAndToned56
Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 90
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 9:23:40 AM

spacecakes113
"Dating is such a exhausting pain in the ass so I think I may take a breather for awhile."


My thoughts exactly. I find the whole process daunting. Especially for someone like me who's very shy.
 InShapeAndToned56
Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 91
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 9:37:41 AM

My question is should I forgive?


The simple answer is yes you should forgive him. But forgiving has nothing to do with "forgetting". My vantage point is one of 25+ years of continuous recovery. It's nice to know there are others on this forum who share my vantage point too. One of the first "suggestions" we're given (when we find the rooms) is "no major changes during the 1st year of recovery" (if we can avoid it). If he didn't take that suggestion the first time (he got into a relationship with you. That's a big change), and wishes to repeat that mistake again with you, you should see his actions for what they are... A big warning to you!!!
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 92
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 9:38:21 AM
I'll forgive her cheating on me if she forgives me for shooting her.

No, move on. You have two problems (cheating and alcoholism) to deal with. Both have high relapse rates. If you insist on giving it another try, I recommend you make it clear that you will walk if he as much as kisses a girl or drinks one drink. And be sure to do so if it happens.

Here's a thought: The threshold to cheat is much lower the second time, because you already proved once before that you take him back.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 93
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 12:56:02 PM
Don't forgive a cheater. Take it from me. Those people rarely change. Add being a mean alcoholic to his personality and you definitely should stay away. There are plenty of decent guys out there, go find one of them.
 KaderGater
Joined: 3/5/2013
Msg: 94
view profile
History
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 1:27:11 PM
Are you joking? girls always complain that guys treat them like shit and this is why!!
1) He is an alcoholic
2) He is an angry mean person when he drinks
3) He cheated on you

if you really want to be with someone that would treat you like that, even if he is getting better now, then you deserve eachother.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 95
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 2:45:56 PM
OP, forgiving and trying again with him are two separate issues.

Forgiving is something you have to do, most and foremost for yourself. Carrying a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other one to die.

Whether to try again with him, well, after how it has been going I don't think I would. Not so much because of the cheating, which you said he told you about right away, but because of his alcohol problem, which he obviously can not control (yet). You wrote he turns into a different person............ and implied that you were ready to break it up anyhow.

Good luck.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 96
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:39:47 PM

Forgiving is something you have to do, most and foremost for yourself. Carrying a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other one to die.


I'll agree w/ that Della. In the OP's case, maybe I could forgive for the fact they are an alcoholic and a sick person and in need of help. And if I really cared about them, I'd even hope/wish that they 'found help' and got better. Carrying some "hatred/grudge" over them around is only poisoning yourself in the long run.

That doesn't mean I'd forget what they did, or be willing to let them back into my life to do it again. Nope, don't hate you, wish you the best, hope you find whatever it is you are looking for... but it's not me and I'm not volunteering to take that position.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 97
view profile
History
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:54:25 PM
I never dated an alcoholic, once I discovered it. Alcoholics use that as a crutch, excuse....to try to explain bad behavior and talk their way out of whatever it is they've gotten themselves into. Alcoholism isn't a character flaw it's a disease, which means there is no recovery without supervised medical treatment.

Understand this, there is no cure for alcoholism or other addictive behaviors. There is a way to manage the disease. An alcoholic who truly wants to "recover" will accept that they will always be an alcoholic but they can learn how to learn to live without drinking. This isn't even about cheating, if it's an alcoholic. it's just another behavior he uses to excuse why he drinks.

I don't know about you, but I can't think of any situation where Iwould forgive someone who cheated on me. I haven't and never will, I respect myself too much. People will treat you to the expectations and standards you set for yourself, if you don't expect them to treat you that great, then they won't expect that of themselves.
 Adamup83
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 98
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/29/2013 10:32:45 PM
then you go an cheat! Karma's A Bit*h! YOLO Lil niggas..Foh ..lol
 K0BAL
Joined: 3/22/2013
Msg: 99
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/30/2013 2:25:36 AM
No, you should not. In fact if he's really working any kind of program he would know not to be in a relationship until he gets back on his feet and is sober for at least a year. If he's fudging on that, he's lying to you about doing any program. The last thing he needs now is to try to get a relationship together and you sure don't need this using addict. An addict's number 1 talent, using other people and lying. Run.


dynadaze is spot on!! I helped run a clean house, he's lying, point blank!!

Plus, you have one time to cheat on me, and it's your last time as well.
 InShapeAndToned56
Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 100
Cheating...forgive?
Posted: 3/30/2013 11:08:34 AM

bucsgirl: I can't think of any situation where I would forgive someone who cheated on me.


Having personally experienced being cheated on by my wife during our 28 years together, has taught me a very important life lesson. That until it happens to you, you don't know how you'll react to a certain situation...
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