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Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 90
Cheating...forgive?Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

"Dating is such a exhausting pain in the ass so I think I may take a breather for awhile."

My thoughts exactly. I find the whole process daunting. Especially for someone like me who's very shy.
Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 91
Posted: 3/29/2013 9:37:41 AM

My question is should I forgive?

The simple answer is yes you should forgive him. But forgiving has nothing to do with "forgetting". My vantage point is one of 25+ years of continuous recovery. It's nice to know there are others on this forum who share my vantage point too. One of the first "suggestions" we're given (when we find the rooms) is "no major changes during the 1st year of recovery" (if we can avoid it). If he didn't take that suggestion the first time (he got into a relationship with you. That's a big change), and wishes to repeat that mistake again with you, you should see his actions for what they are... A big warning to you!!!
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 92
Posted: 3/29/2013 9:38:21 AM
I'll forgive her cheating on me if she forgives me for shooting her.

No, move on. You have two problems (cheating and alcoholism) to deal with. Both have high relapse rates. If you insist on giving it another try, I recommend you make it clear that you will walk if he as much as kisses a girl or drinks one drink. And be sure to do so if it happens.

Here's a thought: The threshold to cheat is much lower the second time, because you already proved once before that you take him back.
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 93
Posted: 3/29/2013 12:56:02 PM
Don't forgive a cheater. Take it from me. Those people rarely change. Add being a mean alcoholic to his personality and you definitely should stay away. There are plenty of decent guys out there, go find one of them.
Joined: 3/5/2013
Msg: 94
view profile
Posted: 3/29/2013 1:27:11 PM
Are you joking? girls always complain that guys treat them like shit and this is why!!
1) He is an alcoholic
2) He is an angry mean person when he drinks
3) He cheated on you

if you really want to be with someone that would treat you like that, even if he is getting better now, then you deserve eachother.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 95
Posted: 3/29/2013 2:45:56 PM
OP, forgiving and trying again with him are two separate issues.

Forgiving is something you have to do, most and foremost for yourself. Carrying a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other one to die.

Whether to try again with him, well, after how it has been going I don't think I would. Not so much because of the cheating, which you said he told you about right away, but because of his alcohol problem, which he obviously can not control (yet). You wrote he turns into a different person............ and implied that you were ready to break it up anyhow.

Good luck.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 96
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:39:47 PM

Forgiving is something you have to do, most and foremost for yourself. Carrying a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other one to die.

I'll agree w/ that Della. In the OP's case, maybe I could forgive for the fact they are an alcoholic and a sick person and in need of help. And if I really cared about them, I'd even hope/wish that they 'found help' and got better. Carrying some "hatred/grudge" over them around is only poisoning yourself in the long run.

That doesn't mean I'd forget what they did, or be willing to let them back into my life to do it again. Nope, don't hate you, wish you the best, hope you find whatever it is you are looking for... but it's not me and I'm not volunteering to take that position.
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 97
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Posted: 3/29/2013 7:54:25 PM
I never dated an alcoholic, once I discovered it. Alcoholics use that as a crutch, try to explain bad behavior and talk their way out of whatever it is they've gotten themselves into. Alcoholism isn't a character flaw it's a disease, which means there is no recovery without supervised medical treatment.

Understand this, there is no cure for alcoholism or other addictive behaviors. There is a way to manage the disease. An alcoholic who truly wants to "recover" will accept that they will always be an alcoholic but they can learn how to learn to live without drinking. This isn't even about cheating, if it's an alcoholic. it's just another behavior he uses to excuse why he drinks.

I don't know about you, but I can't think of any situation where Iwould forgive someone who cheated on me. I haven't and never will, I respect myself too much. People will treat you to the expectations and standards you set for yourself, if you don't expect them to treat you that great, then they won't expect that of themselves.
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 98
Posted: 3/29/2013 10:32:45 PM
then you go an cheat! Karma's A Bit*h! YOLO Lil niggas..Foh
Joined: 3/22/2013
Msg: 99
Posted: 3/30/2013 2:25:36 AM
No, you should not. In fact if he's really working any kind of program he would know not to be in a relationship until he gets back on his feet and is sober for at least a year. If he's fudging on that, he's lying to you about doing any program. The last thing he needs now is to try to get a relationship together and you sure don't need this using addict. An addict's number 1 talent, using other people and lying. Run.

dynadaze is spot on!! I helped run a clean house, he's lying, point blank!!

Plus, you have one time to cheat on me, and it's your last time as well.
Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 100
Posted: 3/30/2013 11:08:34 AM

bucsgirl: I can't think of any situation where I would forgive someone who cheated on me.

Having personally experienced being cheated on by my wife during our 28 years together, has taught me a very important life lesson. That until it happens to you, you don't know how you'll react to a certain situation...
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 101
Posted: 5/7/2013 10:32:30 PM
At the end of the day if you've been cheated on and your partner wants forgiveness you need to ask yourself have you been doing enough in the relationship to make them happy. If it was just a case of they couldn't control their lust that is forgivable once i'd think.

WRONG......the one who was not happy is the one who should begin the conversation with their SO about why they are not happy. With communication and some work or even therapy if needed,....they can try to work it out.
Not go out and cheat.
Couldnt control their lust?
If they couldnt control their lust one time why would you think they will control it the next time they are not feeling happy with you?
Its not your job to mind read whether your partner is happy or not. You do the best you can to love that person.
Their unhappiness is not your fault unless you let it be by not responding to her needs.

InShapeandToned: I agree about what you said. The thing is also that people say they will never forgive...but how do they know? I will never forgive a cheater once I know about it. Been there and done that. Trust broken is hard to get back. A relationship without trust is not worth being in.
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 102
Posted: 5/7/2013 10:56:45 PM
I've seen too many cheaters who do it more than one time. Alcohol is a sickness that many people take a lifetime to deal with. My daughter-in-law's mother have lost her family, got many DWI and been in jail and lost her jobs being an alcoholic. It's a sickness.
I would work with an alcoholic before I take back a cheater. A mean alcoholic, they are always mean, can hurt you physically.
I would move on but it's your choice.
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 103
Posted: 5/8/2013 3:43:42 PM
Being drunk is no excuse for cheating. Whether or not a person is an alcoholic or just went out and got drunk.
Alcohol lowers a persons inhibitions. If someone gets that drunk that cant control who they sleep with (which usually goes along with what they say or anything else that they do while drunk).....I would not date him.
Thats why I chose to not date anyone who goes out and gets Drunk.
I would rather date a recovered alcoholic who had many years of sobriety than a non alcoholic who goes out and gets drunk every weekend or so. never knows if that alcoholic will drink again...
but I would rather take a chance with a sober person that someone who gets drunk.

Most people put their best foot forward when you first meet.
It takes time to see what and who a person really is.
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 104
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Posted: 5/8/2013 9:31:20 PM
u got 2 problems
don't u deserve better
alcoholics are not supposed to be in relationships until they have been sober for a year
very few alcoholics quit drinking
Joined: 8/4/2012
Msg: 105
Posted: 5/12/2013 3:48:43 AM
Forget the guy and move on.
Joined: 4/22/2013
Msg: 106
Posted: 5/13/2013 11:39:58 PM
Move ON quickly. I will not date anyone with alcohol problems. Some people can drink and some can not. Some react to it like a horrific drug allergy. He lies, he cheats, he is an abusive alcoholic. RUN. I have learned that many people who are mean when drinking is because that is the true person. Alcohol lowers their inhibitions which stops the EDIT part of their brain and they become the 'Real' person. For others they just have a bad drug reaction to it. He knows it , he knows its' a problem and yet still does it. He knows cheating is wrong he still does it. Why would you even consider anything with him? Drop him, don't be friends, don't let him draw you in again. Cut all ties.
Joined: 9/25/2012
Msg: 107
Posted: 5/15/2013 1:27:05 PM
{quote]Never forgive a cheater.

Yes, because there is no spiritual benefit to being a forgiving person - and a cheater can not possibly ever change their behavior because cheating is a genetic certainty.....
(rolls eyes)
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 108
Posted: 5/16/2013 12:10:22 AM
Well as the old saying goes Forgive and Forget right... So forgive him and forget about him. Move forward don't get stuck in someone else's Mud.
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 109
Posted: 5/16/2013 9:10:00 AM
Ditto on getting the heck out of that........

A cheater is just that.....a cheat. They are satisfying a subconcious need. They feel compelled to cheat at something, whether it be cards, relationships, money, sex, alcohol, ......something.

If you crave drama.........stay with a cheater and enjoy being the reason behind all their wrongdoings.........
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 110
Posted: 12/19/2013 7:01:50 PM
Run, run, and run fast! Cheats once, will cheat twice....repeat....
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 111
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Posted: 12/21/2013 2:47:09 PM
Why would I ever need to forgive someone who treated me with great disrespect? What would be the point? Forgive them...why not forget them and move on, that works for me. I don't spend my time needing to forgive others so that I can get over my own hurt, I deal with it, then I forget that person existed. They have no power over your emotions unless you let them, unless you get stuck in their drama...or your own.
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 112
Posted: 12/21/2013 3:49:09 PM
There is a huge difference between forgiving someone and putting yourself in the line of fire again....

Forgiveness improves one's karma and outlook; holding onto anger can be toxic to the enraged and those who come in contact.

But trusting a person who was ok with cheating once? The mentality that allowed them to tell themselves itw as ok somehow? That mentality doesn't change. It is a core belief of theirs.

So yes, forgiveness is divine. Forget? Not so great, unless you want a repeat offense.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 113
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Posted: 12/21/2013 6:54:26 PM
Just because he feels remorse is no reason for you to forget what he did. Recovery takes time, he did not give it enough.
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 114
Posted: 12/21/2013 11:39:40 PM
Moonbeam and Carolann, I agree. You can forgive someone sincerely but that doesn't make everything ok and you are ok with giving him another chance OP. IF he gets better, then good for him and he can be proud but if he thinks you should be there for him to get better, NO. He needs to chalk it up to what it was and take care of HIMSELF, he shouldn't even be dating or anything like that. I know the OP is gone and is an old thread but all these threads are pretty much the same questions, whether the OP's are gone or whatever. And they keep on coming. When I see these threads, who cares about the other person the OP's are talking about. They are forgetting about THEMSELVES first!
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