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 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 89
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Torn need advicePage 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I think the problem is that a lot of people here believe they are thinking about what is best for the son based off their own personal emotions. Having your kid taken far away from you is sad, it will suck not having them around, yeah, but it's not the end of the world.

Kids are not as fragile as people think they are. So long as your son knows you love him and you can visit, I don't see the problem. It's the initial shock that needs to wear off and you need to let your ex chill for a bit and talk to a lawyer. Mind you then they will need a lawyer and your ex might get peeved off at the prospect of paying bills for a lawyer, but if she is ignoring your calls, she is getting what's coming unless she wises up.

She can either answer your calls and arrange a less expensive agreement instead of having the lawyers bill you both for every phone call, email and letter they make.

EDIT: If your exes new husband is a stand-up man as you say, maybe you should go to him to talk about things, maybe he is more stable and rational.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 90
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/16/2013 4:24:16 PM
Life will go on obviously if the child moves further away, I myself would not allow it because I would want them in my life more then just a skype and a couple months in between for a few days at that time. Yes, I realize people move but I also realize there are a lot of "throw away kids" in our society. I said and saw this before I had my two boys. Not saying this is that at all, just hear about way too many people that move on and the kids suffer because they are thought of as throw aways. I guess I had a great thing because both me and my ex loved the kids and would never make it to where the kids were far away from either parent. I think once a decision is made in this thread, then the child needs to be sat down and talked to, not before. We are all having an opinion on this topic and OP, whatever decision you make, be really satisfied with it. Sounds like you will.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 91
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 6:54:07 AM

I don't agree with asking your son. He is a child and doesn't deserve to choose sides. The decision needs to be made between the parents only.

Wow! Just wow! Doesn't deserve? DOESN'T DESERVE???
We are your parents, now we don't care about your feelings, you do not have a voice!
Wow!
This boy is part of the family, is he not? He isn't going to choose, asking him that is crazy.
But he should be involved, he needs to understand he done nothing wrong, life is funny sometimes.
His step dad will have a better job, Mom gets to stay home, so more time with her.
But Dad won't be able to pick him up that often. Not even an adult could make a right decision on this one.
I say this..
No matter what the outcome will be, the boy will be sad, upset, but talking to him, getting him ready will help.
So I agree with Hamilton, and BK2 said it right too.


BTW..Mermaid..Little off topic, but your profile says no kids, than you say you have an 8 years old??
Just curious.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 92
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 7:53:28 AM
“My son is 8 when I talked to him about it he said Daddy I wont be able to see you a lot and that makes me sad, but as a typical kid in his next breath he said the good thing is I can go to Disney world a lot ! “

Maybe I do have comprehensive problem because to me this above paragraph basically said to me the boy already knew he might be leaving his father and leaving to live in Florida. Maybe, I read between the lines, maybe OB didn’t explain it right, I don’t know….

I think the child should know what is going on, but I do not believe that three parents or two parents need to put him down and start hashing out their decision. OP has said,

“I suggested we talk to our son together and explain to him as best we can the pros and cons of
him moving and see how he feels. so when I bring him home Sunday afternoon we will
explain as best we can to him and see if he can understand the good points and the
downside.”

What I got out of the above paragraph was a gang up in front of a child. Meaning, when one ways out the “pros and cons” tell me that the parents haven’t decided on what to do, and is going to hash it out in front of an 8 year old. Sorry, maybe I read this wrong, but that’s how I read it.

So with that all said, I don’t believe the “pros and cons” should be hashed out in front of children or even in front of other people of any age!

This tells me that the adults are un able to make a decision without the help of an 8 year old. To me, this is incomprehensible. Meaning, that they should be able to decide what they want to do and then sit the child down and tell him what the final decision is, and then allow him the time to adjust to that change.

They already know how the child feels, why beat the horse in front of the child? It just doesn't make sens e to me.

To the others that said an eight year old should be part of a grown up decision tells me that they think this child is capable of making adult decisions, and that is not true of an 8 year old. Why put a person especially a child through that?

I believe a child should enjoy their childhood. I've seen many children act like they are in their 20’s when they are 12, because their parents discussed adult things in front of their children. To me this is making a child grow up fast, and to me this life is too short for a child to be a grown up acting at the age of 8 or 12 or 15, when they should be acting their age and not the age of an adult. Adult things come when they come, with age. Let a child remain a child for as long as you can, and that’s how I believe and that is how I raised my daughter and she is a professional, yet even today, she talks about her childhood with great happiness and joy! I just hope your 8 year old will be able to say the same when he is 27, but that is the future, isn't?

I was a single parent, just to let you know, I made my own decisions, and allowed my daughter to be a child that she was...

I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors.
Jan
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 93
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 8:03:14 AM
I don’t think that it’s a good idea to talk with Son about the move until you and Mom have decided what will happen and what Son will be doing. I would wait “to explain” until there is a resolution and something to explain. Before its resolved, you’d only be telling him that its uncertain- which doesn’t do him any good. What’s the point?

Overall… it appears as though you have consented to the move (“this is where he will live and go to school”), so I hope you all work out additional parenting time for Son and you, and that Mom and Step Dad assist in additional cost you might incur.

If I were you, I would also ask that in the future Mom and Step Dad discuss significant decisions that involve you and Son before making those decisions, at least so that your concerns will be factored into the decision. Of course, they make their own decisions. They don’t have to defer to you. I wouldn’t blame or accuse, but just explain that it can be upsetting to have a decision handed to you without your input first, that you’d like to be involved and to express your concerns.

I wouldn’t tell them this, but in my opinion, they handled this very poorly. Both Mom and Step Dad should have considered Son’s relationship with you and therefore talked with you before they decided. Yes, Step Dad too. You have ten years of co-parenting ahead of you, and that requires everyone to respect everyone else’s interests and input when decision making for Son. The use of the Disney World card indicates that they were persuading Son, well before you were consulted. They made a mistake. It would be best if they were more cooperative in the future and I hope that they take that lesson- gently- from this event.
 gofurguy
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 94
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 8:14:08 AM
whats best for your son should come first, as hard as it is the best thing to do is still keep a phone conversation with your son, get to visit him as much as possible, remember when hes 18 he can go and do as he pleases so it might be tough for a while but he'll know you have his best interest at heart and make sure you get to see him as much as your possible in florida. its hard not to think just about the present , but i like family for life
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 95
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 8:16:25 AM

A judge would love to see how much she doesn't care about her child seeing his father

The judge isn't going to care one way or the other. If they go to blows, the court will most likely appoint a guardian ad litem to represent the child. This individual will do an investigation and make a recommendation to the court. These individuals "filter" out all negatives. They are only interested in what is best for the child and I've already given my opinion on how I think that will go.


I myself would not allow it

You yourself have absolutely no say whatsoever. If you and your ex could not resolve it amicably, a court will decide the issue for you and you will most likely be worse off than if you had taken a different approach.
 soulsearcher012
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 96
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 8:30:42 AM
Bk2 asked
....Now here is a question....Are they moving away from you for a reason because you are interferring or bothering the family? Does your X feel her new husband is a better fatherly influence on your child?? Because, it is very odd that a family will up and move and take a son away from the father when they could make do right where they are.....this is strange......



Bk,
The only reason they have to move to Florida is his promotion has a relocation to that state.
I am a positive force in my son's life I see him every weekend and every Wed.
my ex's husband works long, long, hours and honestly barely has time for his own children.
Don't get me wrong he is a nice person .
I am my son's teacher in life I want to make sure that I'm there to love , guide and teach him
so he grows up to be a good man , a good person with values so in turn he will be able to teach his
children when and if he has them.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 97
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 9:36:59 AM
This sitting down business with your son is because you know ex has put her points across to him now you want to put yours across too and balance things out. But in the long run does it really matter that you ground him back to the fact that life away is going to be the same boring old school and football and homework? Or are you abit hurt that he seems more excited about disneyland than he is about you? She may have brainwashed him but why does it have to be a game of ping pong? Why not leave him in his fantasy until you both decide what is ACTUALLY going to happen if he isnt going to MAKE the decision and sit him down then? Why have him thinking and worrying about what he has to say infront of you so as not to upet you or his mom?

Sounds like you both need to have a loong chat with a child psychologist....
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 98
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 10:10:27 AM
OP, how long has your ex-wife been married to Step Dad?
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 99
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 4:36:28 PM
Don't ever, ever ask a child to choose between his parents in any way, shape, or form--good god, do you people not read about these issues? Any time you even hint at making the other parent seem bad, or offer any type of choice involving parents (do you want to go to the movies with your dad tomorrow, or go with us to the party? You can do either; it's ok!) is "splitting" the child. Kids are not stupid and they recognize it isn't just a choice about a movie or a party--it's about mommy and daddy--even if you truly don't mean it that way.

Even asking an 8 year old his opinion on such a subject is seriously risking his emotional health. If *anything* goes wrong, or even if it doesn't, he can quickly blame himself. It's just too much risk! Study after study has proven this. Parents should always, always, always present a united front--"We made the decision and we think this is best," and any parent who feels they have "lost" just has to suck it up for the sake of the child. "Yes, I'll miss you , son, but I'm a grown up and I can visit whenever I want, and. . ." It's tricky, too, because it's also important that the less-present parent work hard to make it clear s/he isn't abandoning the child.

Children make transitions at certain points--entering middle school or high school, for example. IF the OP decides to consider letting his son move, he has every right to expect that the son may choose to spend the middle school years with him, or maybe the high school years.

And while mom may be acting like a ****, that should not influence the OP's decision. What is best for his son is really the only consideration. I haven't read back enough to see if the OP is involved more than 25% of the time in his son's life--but anything approaching 50% and it is an entirely different matter. 25% can be easily re-negotiated and is enough to make sure a kid doesn't feel abandoned, but it isn't a daily or even every-other-day presence. If dad is primarily an every-other weekend and dinner once-a-week guy, then he has the benefit of being the "fun" parent, and he can do that on vacations, etc. That is not at all saying that this type of parenting is unimportant or less important--it is just very different and allows for a lot more flexibility.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 100
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 6:42:25 PM
You sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders. I am not reading spite or either side.

This may sound weird but could you also move to Florida?

I have this agreement in my divorce and I would never consider moving away from the ex.

With this economy a promotion is hard to refused especially when he has so many mouths to feed.

I think you will be able to figure it out. Maybe have a lunch and has out some ideas. When some families have this separation they often split school year and summers.

Keep focusing on solutions and not the negativity.

P.S> Thanks for being and awesome involved dad. they make the world go round
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 101
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/17/2013 7:14:42 PM

This may sound weird but could you also move to Florida?
I have this agreement in my divorce and I would never consider moving away from the ex.


Personally, I would find that creepy-having an ex follow me around the country to wherever I move to. There's a good chance the ex's new husband would find that creepy too. Maybe the ex's new husband is looking forward to distancing himself from the OP, since the he sees him 2 or 3 times a week as it is when he picks up and drops off the kid. And maybe the ex is looking forward to that too, since she has to see him all of the time. I certainly have no desire to constantly see my ex all of the time, and I'm sure most people don't want a constant dose of ex in their daily life either.

It sounds like not only does the OP want to keep seeing his kid who is staying with the ex, he wants to be part of her new family, since he has no new family of his own right now. The thought of the ex moving away not only means he won't see his son as often, but it also means he won't see his ex and her family as often too. Maybe that's weighing in on his mind as much as having a son that's further away.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 102
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 2:15:25 AM
Debydu z question is a good one. There's golfing in florida, and it wouldn't be weird for the boy, and that is the OP's concern.

Would you be willing to check out florida as a possibility at least?

If you can't move or won't consider sharing split years, then stay firm on them not moving and have her make the choice of staying or giving you custody with shared guardianship and visitations for her.

A promotion is not a great reason to move away from you with your boy. She is not thinking with anything but her desires.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 103
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 3:23:06 AM
So, what happened, OP? Can we have an update?
 angellight2091
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 104
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 4:22:56 AM
Thats a tough situation, but there are compromises you could make.. (all of you).. The skype is a good idea, and you could make arrangements prior to the move that you will have your son on Christmas vacation, February vacation, April vacation and summers when school is in recess.. It would also be wise to have this all put in writing via your attorney.. Im sure you pay child support... Maybe she would agree to reduce those payments (even eliminate them during the summer months while your son is with you) and use some of those payments to pay for the plane ticket needed for your son to reach you and return back to Florida..Hell you get along with the new husband, so possibly you could even go to Florida a couple times a year and stay at their house..That way you could continue your relationship with your son and still maintain good terms with the ex and her new husband..
 soulsearcher012
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 105
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 8:31:13 AM
Hi all,
After spending the weekend with my son I felt there was no need for me and the ex to talk to him
because he on his own started telling me how he felt without me having to ask him a question!
and whether or not my ex believed me when I told her only time will tell.

I hope he also mentions a few things to her on his own. I told her to listen to him when he talks.
other than Disney he is very happy where he is he doesn't want to leave his school or his friends.
he said he likes that the 3 of us live near each other. I just let him speak he wasn't
asking questions he was saying how he felt and that was just fine.

when I took him home I asked her how his children feel about moving and I got the IDK answer
I left It alone because I know her and when she say's IDK believe me SHE KNOWS .

I have a feeling the other children don't like the idea they are older 11 and 13
I am going to ask him how his kids feel about it when I take my son to his MMA class this Wed
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 106
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Posted: 2/18/2013 8:39:39 AM
I am so glad you did included your son in this.
I don't know why some people thought he is going to be happy because of Disney??
Do people who live in Florida, go there every weekend??
So now we have more update, well at least I didn't know that there are more kids involved.
IDK really wasn't a good answer, I translate that to "I don't want to talk about it."
That means things aren't going her way.
Boy, this isn't going to go well in the future. I said it before, I'll say it again..What a nightmare!
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 107
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Posted: 2/18/2013 10:00:40 AM
Listening is a good thing.
Asking him to weigh in, completely different---so happy to hear that you will just allow him to debrief on his own.

Op, one thing I know about having a singleton child is that he, unlike other kids that have siblings don't have that sounding board on what Mom and Dad are talking about. And at some level you have to be able to function in part like that.

Your child will likely grow up to be more mature than his peers on some level; especially as it relates to being able to talk comfortably and articulately with adults. And while that maturity is often a bi-product of the single child, and it 'may seem' like he'd be able to understand these types of things, but he won't necessarily.

He is still a young child who won't understand a lot of what this is about except on his own level which will feel like a loss.

What you're doing and suggesting your ex do today, which is to listen to him is vital.
He'll explain his view on this and once you have some understanding, and if he's grappling with it, you can help him with those fears that he'll likely have.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, my son has lived nothing but the back and forth life between his father's house and mine his entire life. And while our relationship as parents wasn't what it is now, we kept most decisions and most of the wrangling out of his earshot. We found that for our son, that change....any change to his day-to-day life seemed to impact him more than his peers.

At some point 'change' involved us moving in with another man and his two kids; and his dad doing the same. It was clear that our living situations impacted him and it brought out a lot of conversations that he would launch on his own.

I have found that when you're parenting a singleton, that you also a lot of times are a playmate perhaps more so than parents with more than one child. It's through casual 'playing', especially scenario stuff and our nightly walks together, that my son would express 'ideas' of what he was thinking about, whether that was a thought on where he was in our family, thoughts on other families or himself in a future role he envisioned.

At one point when he was very young....about 6 or so...and we were living with my then SO and his two kids, and his dad was similarly dating a woman and had a similar blended families arrangement, our play involved some new Lincoln logs...or some sort of 'building game'. Anyway while playing with those logs, this became his opportunity to talk about what he'd like in his world...in that house.

What he said always stuck with me because I felt that this idea of his was perhaps the kind of simple, yet real wish and thoughts must be the kind of thing that runs through minds of many kids of divorce; especially those in the midst of the back and forth with these blended families.

So with this building toy...my son told me that he'd like is for us to have a house like he was building..but bigger. One that he described as "you and 'x' and C and J can live with me, and that dad and 'z' and J and D can live there too".... I told him that sounded like fun...having a barracks-like life with all the people he loved ;), but I completely got his concept and understood that wish.

It was about him not wanting to have to choose. He didn't want to have to move every week. He loved everyone. He loved both family's dogs. He wished we could all live together and see each other all the time. He didn't want to say goodbye. It was a simplistic 'child's view' of his ideal world, and I completely appreciated and validated that view in whatever way I could.

When I think of your 8 year old in this situation, it reminds me of all that and that it's not at all unlikely for your son to have something similar running through his mind.
 soulsearcher012
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 108
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 10:46:26 AM

I have found that when you're parenting a singleton, that you also a lot of times are a playmate perhaps more so than parents with more than one child


So true so true, and I wouldn't trade it for the world !!
We do so much together every weekend we are together.
this spring I'm giving him golf lessons he's been asking so it's time to get him on the linx!!
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 109
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/20/2013 1:49:50 PM
soulsearcher012- I reiterate that I think you are a good dad.
Having said that, tread very carefully involving your 8 year old too much.
At his age he is still very self focused and immature and the whole thing can back fire on you. (in no way am I putting down your son, this is a fact as far as the childhood stages of development)
If this goes on too long your son will eventually read this situation and use it to his advantage, you can expect demands for things he might not have asked for before because he will KNOW you won't want to tell him no.
I know you would never do it on purpose, but you don't want to change your sons behavior because I can promise you he will pit the two of you against each other the longer this goes on.
Go to a family counselor immediately, take your son too, he needs a neutral party to talk to.
Keep dialogue open with your ex.
Other's have mentioned keeping a record of arguments with your ex, this is only going to matter if it's something much more negative-drug/physical abuse or that sort of thing. I assure you judges could care less about he said she said otherwise. They see this sort of thing every day.
Is there a chance you can move to Florida? If so, you might seriously consider it.
The number one thing here is NOT to get your son in the middle of a tug of war, he will be the one to pay if that happens.
My nephew had it happen to him, his mother and father kept him in court for years fighting over him and I think they both lost sight of his well being and only winning mattered.
My nephew ended up going into a downward spiral and made some very bad choices, he died four years ago as a direct result of those decisions and it all went back to two people who forgot what was really important.
Please don't lose sight of what matters here.
If your ex won't be reasonable and come to a fair agreement, don't agree to the move.
No matter what, talk to an attorney and go to counseling.
I know you love your son, I loved my nephew with all my heart and I miss him every day. Sometimes being right can come at too high a cost.
 stricking
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 110
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/22/2013 3:51:34 PM
u really need to concern yourself with how you feel about it and how u want to have your life. you shouldnt worry about someone elses career or keeping your ex happy. if you dont make this descion based totally on your needs, u will live with resentment. there is no way i could take having my girl living that far from me, but that's me. if summer vacations and maybe a holiday here and there or maybe u would like to visit florida alot and can afford it then do it. but dont do it for any other reason. when u give up things just to make other people happy ur not just being such a nice guy, ur trying to be a marter.
 stricking
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 111
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/22/2013 4:26:43 PM
sorry i know i miss spelled that word, dont know how to use spell check on here. i didnt mean it to sound mean. most people arent aware thats what they are doing. dont make life decsions based on other peoples needs except your kids ofcourse. make this descion based on yours and what u want it to be like with ur son. plus cant be to healthy to keep moving a kid around, now its florida where will the next job promotion be and how soon.
 safebetinvegas
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 112
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/22/2013 4:34:23 PM

The only winners in a court fight are the attorneys


...and an egotistical judge who are frequently immune to any discipline for errant, biased rulings. After all, they know most of the attorneys that come before them and engage in "business" outside the courtroom.

Divorce is BIG business...lots of $$$ flying around to "solve" the most basic "issue" being debated over at any given time.

Very rarely does true "justice" get served.

Worst part of it ?

These so called judicial officers all claim whatever they say is "best" for the children.

They don't even KNOW your children.

It's always been and always will be about the money.
 stricking
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 113
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/22/2013 5:22:15 PM
i just thought of this!!! there is something with the state of florida and custody. im not sure its with all states, i heard florida mentioned specifically. if a child lives there for 6months or more that is perm residence and no parent from out of state can challenge it. so def consult with a lawyer.
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