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Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 104
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Torn need advicePage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Thats a tough situation, but there are compromises you could make.. (all of you).. The skype is a good idea, and you could make arrangements prior to the move that you will have your son on Christmas vacation, February vacation, April vacation and summers when school is in recess.. It would also be wise to have this all put in writing via your attorney.. Im sure you pay child support... Maybe she would agree to reduce those payments (even eliminate them during the summer months while your son is with you) and use some of those payments to pay for the plane ticket needed for your son to reach you and return back to Florida..Hell you get along with the new husband, so possibly you could even go to Florida a couple times a year and stay at their house..That way you could continue your relationship with your son and still maintain good terms with the ex and her new husband..
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 105
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 8:31:13 AM
Hi all,
After spending the weekend with my son I felt there was no need for me and the ex to talk to him
because he on his own started telling me how he felt without me having to ask him a question!
and whether or not my ex believed me when I told her only time will tell.

I hope he also mentions a few things to her on his own. I told her to listen to him when he talks.
other than Disney he is very happy where he is he doesn't want to leave his school or his friends.
he said he likes that the 3 of us live near each other. I just let him speak he wasn't
asking questions he was saying how he felt and that was just fine.

when I took him home I asked her how his children feel about moving and I got the IDK answer
I left It alone because I know her and when she say's IDK believe me SHE KNOWS .

I have a feeling the other children don't like the idea they are older 11 and 13
I am going to ask him how his kids feel about it when I take my son to his MMA class this Wed
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 106
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 8:39:39 AM
I am so glad you did included your son in this.
I don't know why some people thought he is going to be happy because of Disney??
Do people who live in Florida, go there every weekend??
So now we have more update, well at least I didn't know that there are more kids involved.
IDK really wasn't a good answer, I translate that to "I don't want to talk about it."
That means things aren't going her way.
Boy, this isn't going to go well in the future. I said it before, I'll say it again..What a nightmare!
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 107
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 10:00:40 AM
Listening is a good thing.
Asking him to weigh in, completely different---so happy to hear that you will just allow him to debrief on his own.

Op, one thing I know about having a singleton child is that he, unlike other kids that have siblings don't have that sounding board on what Mom and Dad are talking about. And at some level you have to be able to function in part like that.

Your child will likely grow up to be more mature than his peers on some level; especially as it relates to being able to talk comfortably and articulately with adults. And while that maturity is often a bi-product of the single child, and it 'may seem' like he'd be able to understand these types of things, but he won't necessarily.

He is still a young child who won't understand a lot of what this is about except on his own level which will feel like a loss.

What you're doing and suggesting your ex do today, which is to listen to him is vital.
He'll explain his view on this and once you have some understanding, and if he's grappling with it, you can help him with those fears that he'll likely have.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, my son has lived nothing but the back and forth life between his father's house and mine his entire life. And while our relationship as parents wasn't what it is now, we kept most decisions and most of the wrangling out of his earshot. We found that for our son, that change....any change to his day-to-day life seemed to impact him more than his peers.

At some point 'change' involved us moving in with another man and his two kids; and his dad doing the same. It was clear that our living situations impacted him and it brought out a lot of conversations that he would launch on his own.

I have found that when you're parenting a singleton, that you also a lot of times are a playmate perhaps more so than parents with more than one child. It's through casual 'playing', especially scenario stuff and our nightly walks together, that my son would express 'ideas' of what he was thinking about, whether that was a thought on where he was in our family, thoughts on other families or himself in a future role he envisioned.

At one point when he was very young....about 6 or so...and we were living with my then SO and his two kids, and his dad was similarly dating a woman and had a similar blended families arrangement, our play involved some new Lincoln logs...or some sort of 'building game'. Anyway while playing with those logs, this became his opportunity to talk about what he'd like in his that house.

What he said always stuck with me because I felt that this idea of his was perhaps the kind of simple, yet real wish and thoughts must be the kind of thing that runs through minds of many kids of divorce; especially those in the midst of the back and forth with these blended families.

So with this building son told me that he'd like is for us to have a house like he was building..but bigger. One that he described as "you and 'x' and C and J can live with me, and that dad and 'z' and J and D can live there too".... I told him that sounded like fun...having a barracks-like life with all the people he loved ;), but I completely got his concept and understood that wish.

It was about him not wanting to have to choose. He didn't want to have to move every week. He loved everyone. He loved both family's dogs. He wished we could all live together and see each other all the time. He didn't want to say goodbye. It was a simplistic 'child's view' of his ideal world, and I completely appreciated and validated that view in whatever way I could.

When I think of your 8 year old in this situation, it reminds me of all that and that it's not at all unlikely for your son to have something similar running through his mind.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 108
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 10:46:26 AM

I have found that when you're parenting a singleton, that you also a lot of times are a playmate perhaps more so than parents with more than one child

So true so true, and I wouldn't trade it for the world !!
We do so much together every weekend we are together.
this spring I'm giving him golf lessons he's been asking so it's time to get him on the linx!!
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 109
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/20/2013 1:49:50 PM
soulsearcher012- I reiterate that I think you are a good dad.
Having said that, tread very carefully involving your 8 year old too much.
At his age he is still very self focused and immature and the whole thing can back fire on you. (in no way am I putting down your son, this is a fact as far as the childhood stages of development)
If this goes on too long your son will eventually read this situation and use it to his advantage, you can expect demands for things he might not have asked for before because he will KNOW you won't want to tell him no.
I know you would never do it on purpose, but you don't want to change your sons behavior because I can promise you he will pit the two of you against each other the longer this goes on.
Go to a family counselor immediately, take your son too, he needs a neutral party to talk to.
Keep dialogue open with your ex.
Other's have mentioned keeping a record of arguments with your ex, this is only going to matter if it's something much more negative-drug/physical abuse or that sort of thing. I assure you judges could care less about he said she said otherwise. They see this sort of thing every day.
Is there a chance you can move to Florida? If so, you might seriously consider it.
The number one thing here is NOT to get your son in the middle of a tug of war, he will be the one to pay if that happens.
My nephew had it happen to him, his mother and father kept him in court for years fighting over him and I think they both lost sight of his well being and only winning mattered.
My nephew ended up going into a downward spiral and made some very bad choices, he died four years ago as a direct result of those decisions and it all went back to two people who forgot what was really important.
Please don't lose sight of what matters here.
If your ex won't be reasonable and come to a fair agreement, don't agree to the move.
No matter what, talk to an attorney and go to counseling.
I know you love your son, I loved my nephew with all my heart and I miss him every day. Sometimes being right can come at too high a cost.
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 110
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/22/2013 3:51:34 PM
u really need to concern yourself with how you feel about it and how u want to have your life. you shouldnt worry about someone elses career or keeping your ex happy. if you dont make this descion based totally on your needs, u will live with resentment. there is no way i could take having my girl living that far from me, but that's me. if summer vacations and maybe a holiday here and there or maybe u would like to visit florida alot and can afford it then do it. but dont do it for any other reason. when u give up things just to make other people happy ur not just being such a nice guy, ur trying to be a marter.
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 111
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/22/2013 4:26:43 PM
sorry i know i miss spelled that word, dont know how to use spell check on here. i didnt mean it to sound mean. most people arent aware thats what they are doing. dont make life decsions based on other peoples needs except your kids ofcourse. make this descion based on yours and what u want it to be like with ur son. plus cant be to healthy to keep moving a kid around, now its florida where will the next job promotion be and how soon.
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 112
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/22/2013 4:34:23 PM

The only winners in a court fight are the attorneys

...and an egotistical judge who are frequently immune to any discipline for errant, biased rulings. After all, they know most of the attorneys that come before them and engage in "business" outside the courtroom.

Divorce is BIG business...lots of $$$ flying around to "solve" the most basic "issue" being debated over at any given time.

Very rarely does true "justice" get served.

Worst part of it ?

These so called judicial officers all claim whatever they say is "best" for the children.

They don't even KNOW your children.

It's always been and always will be about the money.
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 113
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Torn need advice
Posted: 2/22/2013 5:22:15 PM
i just thought of this!!! there is something with the state of florida and custody. im not sure its with all states, i heard florida mentioned specifically. if a child lives there for 6months or more that is perm residence and no parent from out of state can challenge it. so def consult with a lawyer.
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