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 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 21
Tactics for addressing issues in relationshipsPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
If you can't talk openly with your S/O , then why is that person your S/O ? If you have to walk on eggs without breaking any , again why is that person your S/O ? With your S/O you should never have to worry about ruffling any feathers .
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 22
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Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:16:50 PM
Negotiating with others is a trial because lots don't see that they're even participating, because they don't.

Mostly things work out because partners are attentive, they pick up on nuance and tell-tales. Most problems resolve themselves without discussion because we're often dating people who are looking out for us, covering bases easily and just generally trying to be ahead of the game wrt little issues that may crop up. That doesn't work all the time and its necessary to deal with a situation once in awhile.

Texting doesn't work. Email doesn't. Any type of actual critique, one that expects a change that's not automatic and without any doubt unintrusive cannot be done through a one way communique.

What many do is to draft out their points in their mind, look for a relaxed situation or moment, not a capture, like in a car-ride but something like a walk or a time together that's volunutnary (and not post coitus either).,. When they find a scene to make their position they break it into bits, a positive, the problem, their position, what they recommend, some other positive. Its a sandwich with all the peices arrayed inside between positives. Now lots of people pickup on methods like this or similar gambits, and anyone who's been in relationships is familiar with manipulation.

The basic problem with these are that they're walking into the situation with an expected outcome and a logical rhetoric that's been worked out internally. There's no give and take. There's no grasp that the discussion could leave one worse off than before it started, or that the current situation one is in is tentative and iffy because its already critically unfair to our partner. We could be asking for more when we've already got our three wishes from the Genii.

Maybe an example would help. My kids and others are a little upset with a bud of mine. The bud is attractive and a bunch younger than me..- that's not the problem. The issue is that they're caught in a bunch of things, their own activities but if she visits its always an extended romp playdate with her small child, me and anyone we can draft into the game. I love it- the kid loves my stairs and he leaves absolutely 100% exhausted. Now my group is sorta sick of playdates or combo situations 100% of the time- they'd like to play some cards, have a discussion. They're not all adults but the whole kiddie thing is exhausting them.

I'd like to explain to them why this doesn't work and why they should adapt to what's going on, but that might require my getting into too much hypothetical detail about what I think is going on with my bud elsewhere. I mean-- I think she's doing me a favour to participate in what we do, its huge for me- they don't see that we've found this one moment, and that even if its a bit predictable and 'special' its still a jewel .

I'd like to get them to settle into a more supportive situation for the playdates and maybe encourage her to look for situations with the whole group that involve some of their goals, but discussing this might just destroy what's already available. Its possible that everyone involved is already at their limit to how much they'll compromise in this situation and my asking for more would just devolve it. I'd like to believe I'm the reasonable one, but they're cruising in their own jet plane looking out on creation with a different crew.

What I suggest is you communicate, be comfortable, develop your interpersonal skills with others. Don't go into discussions expecting to win- but don't be a pushover either.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 23
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Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:17:16 PM
Have you had a conversation like this?
He comes home obviously up set.
Me.. What's wrong?
Him... Nothing
Me....... Well something is obviously wrong
Him... I am fine, nothing is wrong
As he pouts and stomps away. Pouting and no talking for about 2 days til i ask again.
Me.....whats wrong?
Him...... My dad pissed me off
Me..... Well what did he do?
Him...... Nothing.
Gawwwwwww!!
Wish this was a joke but no this is why he is my X!!
Anyway like other people have said she can't listen if he doesn't talk. I am just up front, lay it out there and need someone who can do that too.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 24
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Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:23:17 PM
OP I see your problem and it's not that you need to learn how to communicate with him, there are many ways. I think your problem is that you are trying to make sure he doesn't react in a way that doesn't work for you.

You can't.

You tell him your truth and you discuss it and if he reacts in a way that you don't want to live with, you leave and find someone more compatible. You cannot speak only when you know the out come so don't even bother to try it. It cheats you and him.

Just be real and kind.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 25
Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:36:02 PM
OP, great thread!! Most people say they communicate but they really don't. At least you want to figure out how to do it so you are so far ahead of many people. I think the first thing is to tell your guy is that you want open communication and maybe sometimes it will be difficult to express exactly the right way to do it. But when he or you do express issues, you both need to respect the others and then talk about it. Bottom line is there is no right way or wrong way to bring it up. You are so far ahead of many many people OP, you will do just fine. You see that communication is huge, don't ever settle for anything less. Like they say, most issues in life are small but usually develop into big issues because people don't talk!
 Peachx22
Joined: 8/11/2012
Msg: 26
Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:40:11 PM
Wow! Many of you have given a lot of sound input and expamles, etc.
That you, I really appreciate it all! It's very interesting to see how people view their own situations and how they choose to handle them. I'll definitely take all of this into account.
 demux21
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 27
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Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:50:38 PM
BE STRAIGHT AS CLEAR AS POSSIBLE AND BE SINCERE.
Regardless of the answer that I can respect. Those who make wisht washy answers and lots of assumtions drive me nuts. If we are in this together than we can resolve anything together. If we are not than who cares and why are you here.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 28
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Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/16/2013 5:32:46 AM
you treat your friends the same way you would like to be treated... if your walking on eggshells
your in the wrong relationship. If your voice is drowned out, your in the wrong relationship.

If you speak to your partner do so in a mature yet direct way. If you want to know how the partner has
"perceived" a situation or your actions, you ask for their opinion.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 29
Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/16/2013 7:48:34 AM
How do you all address relationship issues with your SO? Do you just spit it out? Do you tread carefully?

My way is still evolving. I tend to tread more carefully than I used to, to use more empathy.

how do you absoutely not like your partner to address relationship issues, especially if it's an issue that involves a percieved fault stemming from your own actions?

Hmm – perception is a really good word to be bringing up here. And perception of fault.

Well, with friends… we know each other enough to
…I have a better grasp understanding how to…

Knowing and understanding are two concepts I’m pulling out of your post here… the importance of knowing each other, and re-iterating that we have good will for each other and good intentions, the importance of understanding the personality of the other person and how they prefer to deal with conflict – are they quite accomodating or do they prefer to be in control? Are they spontaneous or do they prefer structure? do they like lots of information or do they just need to know they’re loved?

Avoiding a perception (or at least, the expression) of blame or fault can be difficult. Sometimes it’s just a matter of remaining open-minded enough to investigate further. I like to enlist the curiosity and interest of my partner in the situation as well, before it’s even identified or labelled as a problem, as such.

To use a non-SO example, my son brings home a report card from school and I feel dissatisfied with his work. I curb that thought for the moment and just ask him to explain the report to me first of all because I can barely understand the damn thing or what it means. Then I ask for his view of the work he’s doing, where he's satisfied, where he'd like a better grade, etc. Very often he’ll come up with strategies for change and improvement before anything has been identified as a problem.

This is not a great example because his school work is not a relationship-issue. But sometimes all it takes is getting curious, asking questions and guiding the conversation toward some goals for subtle change and gradual, incremental adjustments of the practices he'a already put in place and found successful. And some subtle persistance and follow-up afterwards if needed. It helps that he knows I have his back, unconditionally.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 30
Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/16/2013 8:16:39 AM
I'm really blunt and just say it. Of course I don't say it immediately.. I let myself think on it and wrap my head around what the actual problem is, and then I tell him. If i'm upset over something i'm gonna tell him point blank what it is whether he likes it or not. There is no cookie cutter way other then to just let the cat out of the bag and hope it land on it's feet. What else can you do? .

I only wait until I understand the problem a few days at most. If I don't know why I'm upset, then I'll still tell him the problem and hopefully we can work through it together and come to the real issue and work from there. I can't stand it when people are upset, don't know why, come at you with all kind of crap they aren't really mad about, just to find out the real issue is something small and irrelevant to what the argument was about. Drives my guy nuts that I don't tell him right away, but whenever I do that I end up on a tangent and the actual issue never gets addressed.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 31
Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/17/2013 10:57:41 AM
LOL.. guys are supposed to woo women.. not vica versa. LOL

I openly stare at my guy. LOL.I mean I don't watch where i'm going cause i'm staring at his face, while he's driving i'm full on staring at his face. Even did so on our first date. If he thinks it uncomfortable he never says anything.. He also prefers the smell of soap over perfume. But he got me the perfume he likes so that's how I know what he likes Flirt but don't over flirt? Where is the line in the sand? I'm pretty sure I'm way over it. Also i don't really attach talking openly to fun and loving. I don't see them as being mutual exclusive.

This guy threw everything I thought I knew about dating out the window. I studder, I stare, I trip over nothing, I'm agreeing to dates I would have never even considered before, stuff that used to irritate me doesn't seem to matter anymore. Just when i think I've got him all figured out he comes at me from a different angle. I'd say just hold on and enjoy the ride. That's what I've learned.

And if you have an issue, just say it. Otherwise molehills morph into mountains and otherwise good relationships end over silly dumb stuff that should have been avoided.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 32
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Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/17/2013 3:52:36 PM
Most of us women are terrible listeners. We go on and on about wanting our man to open up but we rarely listen. Most guys end up saying what he thinks you want to hear. If I guy says he doesn't care or something doesn't matter...hint...listen to that! We often build up issues in our mind and a guy is clueless as to why it matters.

Anyways, don't get into a pattern of 'let's talk' really meaning 'I'm going to tell you what I'm feeling and regardless of what you think (or not), you will nod at the end of this conversation. '. LISTEN to him!

Also, never discuss anything of importance if your guy is a not satisfied in 'that way'. Men are usually edgier until their basic needs are met and after 'that' more mellowed out.
 angellight2091
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 33
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Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/20/2013 1:12:07 PM
It's impossible to give a direct answer since you have not stated what the issue is, but when addressing an issue with a significant other it is always best to say I feel this way when this happens as opposed to you did this that and the other thing.. One is stating your feelings about the situation and the other is confrontational.. Its hard for another to argue with you about your feelings but very easy to feel defensive when confronted about a particular behavior.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 34
Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/20/2013 1:31:50 PM
If you are still getting to know someone and you need to address something, Id ask them how they like to have issues brought up and go from there.

I like being told someone needs to bring up something, and have the opportunity to clear the time needed rather than to have it tossed into regular conversation so that we allocate the time to actually hash it out and not leave it hanging like rotten fruit. I like to ask what thier expectations are-IE is this a venting session or are you asking me to change something...is there a desired result expected from this conversation?

What I have learned is, many people will say they like to handle things one way, and thier actions are opposite of that. I have only had the pleasure of meeting a handful of humans in my life who actually conduct themselves the way they say they want to.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 35
Tactics for addressing issues in relationships
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:07:50 PM

how do you absoutely not like your partner to address relationship issues, especially if it's an issue that involves a percieved fault stemming from your own actions? Obviously,no one likes to be comfronted


If I sense that the man I am dating is "dodging the question"... I have a tendency to back off and won't press the issue especially if in the greater scheme of things it really is a non-issue. So, basically I may be curious about certain things and I will bring things up in conversation; however, if he doesn't want to talk about something he will tell me so. He may have to repeat himself more than one time; however, I generallly try to be respectful in this manner.

In regards to issues that I need resolved because I perceive things to be problematic, something that might lead to a fight or a break up, I will be direct and honest with my feelings. However, we have a tendency to do this over email. We've never had a fight in person. I almost prefer things this way because you can choose your words more carefully and there are fewer regrets in saying the wrong thing. Also, there is a reminder of our issues instead of having things go in one ear and out the other. So...less chance of saying, "I didn't know." We generally resolve our issues. He's sorry for doing something stupid. I'm sorry for getting upset. The next time we see each other... things are just fine.
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