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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?      Home login  
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 Insanity_Inc
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 26
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
OP I would have to agree that this appears to stem from the way you grew up. You gravitate toward people who treat you like your parents did as it makes you feel more at home...it hurts, but it is a comfortable type of pain that you are used to.

I would actually hazard a guess that you reject people who treat you well as it scares you to be treated that way. It is uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

Now I am not a counsellor or any type of mental health professional, but I would suggest that you have to retrain yourself to accept and love yourself before you will ever be able to accept anyone else truly loving you.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 27
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/16/2013 6:57:54 PM
I met a fellow at university who was raised in a physically abusive household. his sister married not once, but twice a wife beater, and the fellow would comment negatively on it. but, when it was his turn, he married someone he suspected was abusing her daughter.

why? b/c unlike people not used to such behavior--and would run as a result--he saw it as something he knew he could withstand. he knew it was wrong,but he could deal with it, so it didn't scare him away from getting what he wanted--a partner to help pay for things in life, etc. In other words, what he wanted in a partner wasn't much, and so what he got wasn't much...and was willing to pay a price he was used to paying in childhood. its like the old story of the grown circus elephant held by the same thin cord of string he was held with as a child. the elephant couldn't break it then, and gave up trying it in the future.

when the fellow called me years later after she had choked him in bed with her hands, I suggested the next time he met someone who made him feel at home...he should take that as a sign to run. we can be college educated, can be confident, yet if we don't look back at our childhood and consider how healthy it really was...we can still allow ourselves to be held by that thin cord of string b/c we never question that things have changed.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 28
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/16/2013 7:24:54 PM
Do you mean hurts your feelings as in a verbally and or otherwise abusive relationship? Or do you just mean that you get your feelings hurt due to being rejected? I think it's fairly common to get rejected and thereby get your feelings hurt. This can not be avoided. If you allow yourself to fall for someone, than you take that chance. That is why love is so scary! Now, if you fall for men that treat you badly and end up in abusive relationships, well, that is another matter entirely. You should probably learn some of the traits that you should avoid, and you should also learn what is defined as abusive. Some people think that certain behaviors (like name calling, for example) are "normal" because they grew up in dysfunctional families, but the truth is there are many such behaviors that are not healthy and should not be tolerated. I mean, if I was dating a man and he ever called me a name, I would give him one warning. There is simply NO excuse for name calling - I don't care what the person has done. Name calling is not a healthy way to address issues in a relationship, and is, in fact, verbal abuse.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 29
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/17/2013 10:33:18 AM
OP what do you want?

You are an adult. Your posting shows that you are articulate. You recognize this pattern of attraction. More importantly you understand that this is not about the man but about you.


The 'reasons' are irrelevent. Why are some folks afraid of balloons ...others attracted to the color, green?

You are now in a position to change your behavior.
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 30
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/18/2013 9:30:48 PM
I pay close attention to the way I am treated in all phases of a relationship. Early on if he is there but then he isn't but then he shows up and then he doesn't...well, that will only happen a few times before I say thanks but no thanks.

Hate to sound like a broken record here but presence is a HUGE action to me. You are either with me or you are not. I have no desire to prairie dog with him.
 Blueskiestoday
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 31
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 1:13:22 PM
Great analysis!!
 fishchina
Joined: 5/8/2011
Msg: 32
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 1:19:29 PM
I had the same experience before. In my case, I was emotionally abused when I was young, so I have low self esteem
and kind of used to be treated like that.

the second thing is that I don't know what I was really looking for? I mixed up sex with love and family. So I couldn't find the right person. If you tell yourself that you are looking for happiness and the man who will respect you and make you smile. Then make a list of qualities you want to see in this man, be patient, and wait for him to appear and get into life.

It is easy to say than to do it. I am not happy with my marriage. But I have adjusted my expectations.
 safebetinvegas
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 33
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 4:04:28 PM
Low self-esteem; People pleaser; masochist; passivity; etc...

...take your pick or look up "beaten wife syndrome".

These days (as compared to decades ago) it seems the adrenaline rush and "excitement" is too much to resist thus the boring or "weak" nice guy is constantly showed aside.


instinct tells women at a very subconscious level, despite everything they know about him,


Similar to what happened to OJ not to long after his murder trial...plenty of women wanted to date him.

They actually help create and love the drama of attempting to tame the bad boy.


What is it with women and spending money to talk to someone. Get a BFF already.


Cause the BFF has the same issues (or worse) and they assume the counselor or therapist knows what they are doing. Best mind-screw yet is that many of those professionals lives are a train wreck themselves.

Or an alternate theory is that if one spends money it must garner them great results...right ? LOL.

So guys, next time your date goes on and on about how much of a creep her "ex" was consider it a blessing. You have been given an official heads up to her future behavior. It is likely a clue that after a short time with you she will run right back to him since, after all, she can't stop talking about him.

And, if she doesn't volunteer it might be a good idea to as her "...so tell me about your ex" and keep your ears open.

Same with a past "on again off again" drama fest.

Steer clear.
 JS3344
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 34
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 4:39:02 PM
Good post Gemma......I've been in relationships for most of my life, and single and dating for about a year now.......all I can say is, as a guy who has a lot of respect for women, I'm appalled to find out how psychologically f'ed up women are in this dating pool.....it explains alot.
 cherrynica
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 35
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 5:17:58 PM
I thought I was the only one that did that.Seems id rather have a guy that ignores me and breakes dates as opposed to a guy that texts me and asks how I am on a regular basis.Guess Im a masochist.Idk.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 36
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 9:15:50 PM
We constantly fall for the ones who hurt us, because we are stupid.
 vietnamrose
Joined: 1/19/2011
Msg: 37
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 10:22:25 PM
more often we fall for the guy whose image/ways are like our dad. i am just wondering how your dad was to your mom. as i have read from psychology books, we attract someone like the ways/characteristics of our father. it would help to dig your past. good luck!
 vietnamrose
Joined: 1/19/2011
Msg: 38
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 10:27:30 PM
that's what i've read too. and, my past experience was like that. there is a need to reprogram our subconscious by digging dip into it so we bring up that experience to our awareness. when we become aware of that experience, we more or less know whom we are dealing with. history repeats itself, and it is this time in the family like mine.
 Razerbladez
Joined: 6/17/2012
Msg: 39
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 10:50:03 PM
Don't say "we" implying the masses, most adults / people past adolescence don't fall into this trend.

A minority of illogical bird brained women (idiots with daddy issues for the most part) do.


Grow up maybe?
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 40
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 11:20:54 PM
^^^, lol tend to agree Razor. The woman who said they tend to fall for men like their fathers is funny. If your father was a wife beater, that means women will fall for a wife beater? see how ridiculous that sounds?
 braveheartlion
Joined: 1/10/2011
Msg: 41
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 12:02:18 AM
I still have the same problem sometimes even at my age and even though sometimes I know what they're doing, it does take me a little longer than I should to snap out of it and realize I'm being manipulated. Looking back I think it may be because I had a rough childhood, my dad wasn't around, and being treated mean to me was better than being ignored - I had a strict upbringing and equated meanness with love. Then I met a man who really treated me well and I found out it was ok for me to be myself and he would still love me and treat me well. Try a nice guy and you will be surprised at how much happier you will be
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 42
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:40:42 AM
Gemma, if you allow yourself to be attracted to those types of men, sure some of what you've said is true. I grew up in a single parent household, raised by my mother. At no time was I raised to mistreat women, or any other stereotype related to what you said. I've also adstained from drinking( I may drink 1 time a year and thats pushing it, just dont like the taste of alchohol, never have). Ive never smoked or done drugs either, but thats mostly a personal choice. When people blame society for their issues, they take whatever blame off themselves, which is unfair. IMO, its like the women who routinely continue dating douchebag men time after time, they do it because they choose to do it, they like tye feeling they get from being treated like shit. Why? not sure. I get what you're saying, but as I've said MANY times here, people need to he held somewhat accountable for the situations they find themselves in. Probelm is, they often DON'T take responsibility for what's happened. Man up,take responsibility(not towards you, as a whole) take responsibility for what you've helped do/create, try to learn from it and move on. Problem is, many folks DON'T do that snd repeat the same pattefn over and over again. Like a woman who has multiple kids from multiple men, and then complains about how the dads are "deadbeats" and so forth. Take respinsibility for procreating with
 pattie2014
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 43
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:43:05 AM
You must be getting some kind of pay off for continually doing this. Its better to be alone than to put up with
someone thats going to treat you like crap!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/28/2013 5:27:48 PM

Don't say "we" implying the masses, most adults / people past adolescence don't fall into this trend.

+1
 Albvs
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 45
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/1/2013 3:02:11 PM

Am I strange or do others find themself in my situation where we fall for the guy/girl that keeps hurting our feelings?

I would guess that your father wasn't a nice guy and yet you often tried to seek his approval. And now as a young lady you seek out relationships with men who are also this way.

If this sounds like it might be the case then say this three times into the mirror, each time with more confidence:
* I don't need my father's approval anymore.
* Nothing he says about me can hurt me now.
* I am stronger than he'll ever know.
* I don't need anyone's approval but my own.
* It's time to find someone different, someone who believes in me as much as I believe in me.
 RussArtLover
Joined: 5/13/2010
Msg: 46
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/1/2013 3:18:56 PM
Well, "falling" kinda means putting your heart on the line regardless. So if it does nay workout itsa gonna hurt. Don't ya think?
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 47
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/1/2013 5:43:40 PM
I have been dating someone I'm attracted to who has a tendency to hurt my feelings. He can be sort of thoughtless at times. Of course, I don't normally choose people who hurt me, but some relationships are easier than others.

To some extent it has been a matter of adjusting some of the variables in our relationship. On my part, I've stepped back emotionally. We went from an exclusive relationship to... now friends and dating. This comes with a set of lowered expectations and we see each other less frequently. As a friend, I am more willing to let certain things slide than if we were in a relationship. On his part, he's listened to me when I've told him that I don't like it when he does certain things. He's pretty good at saying he's sorry. I am too. He's made some adjustments to how he treats me. I've worked at controling my emotions. Things have gotten better.

Overall, I think working through issues helps increase the level of trust and leads to feeling less insecure. Having success in building good relationships and learning how to handle various issues, increases confidence. Of course, a lot of people fake relationship confidence by not caring about the end result.

So.... IF things go well then great! IF things don't go well.... no big loss.
 funnygirl2no
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 48
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/2/2013 1:13:50 AM
same here! I think bad boys are a turn on in a very sick way. They make us feel bad. Go figure !
 funnygirl2no
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 49
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/2/2013 1:22:45 AM
the answer is that being alone sucks!! women fall for bad boy jerks out of loneliness . desperation to have anyone be there even for one night stands. sad but true. lesbianism is not an option(for me)
 funnygirl2no
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 50
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/2/2013 1:48:53 AM
u hit on it...the fear of being single is key issue....u hope that this person who initiated some excitement within you will save u from this dark lonely corridor leading to madness. It is biological that man is with woman, they live longer and other people in your life are blessed with a stable partner to be there for them. We just hope for the best , it all works out and try to ignore the negative aspects. People do come around sometimes, maybe this will be the sometime. call it stupid but we are positive looking for the good in all no matter
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