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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?      Home login  
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 Insanity_Inc
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 26
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
OP I would have to agree that this appears to stem from the way you grew up. You gravitate toward people who treat you like your parents did as it makes you feel more at home...it hurts, but it is a comfortable type of pain that you are used to.

I would actually hazard a guess that you reject people who treat you well as it scares you to be treated that way. It is uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

Now I am not a counsellor or any type of mental health professional, but I would suggest that you have to retrain yourself to accept and love yourself before you will ever be able to accept anyone else truly loving you.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 27
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/16/2013 6:57:54 PM
I met a fellow at university who was raised in a physically abusive household. his sister married not once, but twice a wife beater, and the fellow would comment negatively on it. but, when it was his turn, he married someone he suspected was abusing her daughter.

why? b/c unlike people not used to such behavior--and would run as a result--he saw it as something he knew he could withstand. he knew it was wrong,but he could deal with it, so it didn't scare him away from getting what he wanted--a partner to help pay for things in life, etc. In other words, what he wanted in a partner wasn't much, and so what he got wasn't much...and was willing to pay a price he was used to paying in childhood. its like the old story of the grown circus elephant held by the same thin cord of string he was held with as a child. the elephant couldn't break it then, and gave up trying it in the future.

when the fellow called me years later after she had choked him in bed with her hands, I suggested the next time he met someone who made him feel at home...he should take that as a sign to run. we can be college educated, can be confident, yet if we don't look back at our childhood and consider how healthy it really was...we can still allow ourselves to be held by that thin cord of string b/c we never question that things have changed.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 28
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/16/2013 7:24:54 PM
Do you mean hurts your feelings as in a verbally and or otherwise abusive relationship? Or do you just mean that you get your feelings hurt due to being rejected? I think it's fairly common to get rejected and thereby get your feelings hurt. This can not be avoided. If you allow yourself to fall for someone, than you take that chance. That is why love is so scary! Now, if you fall for men that treat you badly and end up in abusive relationships, well, that is another matter entirely. You should probably learn some of the traits that you should avoid, and you should also learn what is defined as abusive. Some people think that certain behaviors (like name calling, for example) are "normal" because they grew up in dysfunctional families, but the truth is there are many such behaviors that are not healthy and should not be tolerated. I mean, if I was dating a man and he ever called me a name, I would give him one warning. There is simply NO excuse for name calling - I don't care what the person has done. Name calling is not a healthy way to address issues in a relationship, and is, in fact, verbal abuse.
 helpmeahhh
Joined: 10/25/2011
Msg: 29
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/16/2013 7:29:47 PM
We all get fooled every now and then however if it's all the time then you have to ask yourself what it is you see in those guys/girls and where the relationships always seem to go sour. It's different for men and women but I think that men who aren't very assertive and women who look for men to 'fix' are usually the ones that get burned.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 30
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/17/2013 10:33:18 AM
OP what do you want?

You are an adult. Your posting shows that you are articulate. You recognize this pattern of attraction. More importantly you understand that this is not about the man but about you.


The 'reasons' are irrelevent. Why are some folks afraid of balloons ...others attracted to the color, green?

You are now in a position to change your behavior.
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 31
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/18/2013 9:30:48 PM
I pay close attention to the way I am treated in all phases of a relationship. Early on if he is there but then he isn't but then he shows up and then he doesn't...well, that will only happen a few times before I say thanks but no thanks.

Hate to sound like a broken record here but presence is a HUGE action to me. You are either with me or you are not. I have no desire to prairie dog with him.
 Blueskiestoday
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 32
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 1:13:22 PM
Great analysis!!
 fishchina
Joined: 5/8/2011
Msg: 33
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 1:19:29 PM
I had the same experience before. In my case, I was emotionally abused when I was young, so I have low self esteem
and kind of used to be treated like that.

the second thing is that I don't know what I was really looking for? I mixed up sex with love and family. So I couldn't find the right person. If you tell yourself that you are looking for happiness and the man who will respect you and make you smile. Then make a list of qualities you want to see in this man, be patient, and wait for him to appear and get into life.

It is easy to say than to do it. I am not happy with my marriage. But I have adjusted my expectations.
 safebetinvegas
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 34
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 4:04:28 PM
Low self-esteem; People pleaser; masochist; passivity; etc...

...take your pick or look up "beaten wife syndrome".

These days (as compared to decades ago) it seems the adrenaline rush and "excitement" is too much to resist thus the boring or "weak" nice guy is constantly showed aside.


instinct tells women at a very subconscious level, despite everything they know about him,


Similar to what happened to OJ not to long after his murder trial...plenty of women wanted to date him.

They actually help create and love the drama of attempting to tame the bad boy.


What is it with women and spending money to talk to someone. Get a BFF already.


Cause the BFF has the same issues (or worse) and they assume the counselor or therapist knows what they are doing. Best mind-screw yet is that many of those professionals lives are a train wreck themselves.

Or an alternate theory is that if one spends money it must garner them great results...right ? LOL.

So guys, next time your date goes on and on about how much of a creep her "ex" was consider it a blessing. You have been given an official heads up to her future behavior. It is likely a clue that after a short time with you she will run right back to him since, after all, she can't stop talking about him.

And, if she doesn't volunteer it might be a good idea to as her "...so tell me about your ex" and keep your ears open.

Same with a past "on again off again" drama fest.

Steer clear.
 Gemma_NM
Joined: 3/10/2012
Msg: 35
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 4:29:25 PM
The people we let the closest to us have the greatest potential for hurting us.

If I had an answer for this I'd be rich and I'd have broken the cycle of domestic violence as a therapist by trade.

I tend to fall for the emotionally unavailable guy and or the narcissistic type. It's the hard to get game I think having spent decades considering wth is the matter with me and many of my girlfriends and clients. I'm attracted to the confidence he exudes. I don't want a needy guy and yet I want the affections of the devil-may-care badboy.

I tried to keep a tiger in a cage twice. It doesn't work out too well. The tiger either gets angry and aggressive or he turns into a pussycat. One is dangerous and one is boring. Either way you get a few scratches. But you don't have to see a therapist to find that out. I could cry all day about how my daddy left my mommy and us kids and wasn't there, but ultimately I have to decide what kind of partner is worth keeping. It's very hard to fix attachment issues and if we consider our romantic partners in the framerwork of our attachment style, secure, insecure, avoidant, or combined type it makes a lot of sense. Nobody has taught me what u do about it except "learn to be ok on your own." How do children learn to be self-sufficient I guess is the same way adults learn to. I haven't seen to many ppl accomplish it though.
 JS3344
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 36
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 4:39:02 PM
Good post Gemma......I've been in relationships for most of my life, and single and dating for about a year now.......all I can say is, as a guy who has a lot of respect for women, I'm appalled to find out how psychologically f'ed up women are in this dating pool.....it explains alot.
 cherrynica
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 37
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 5:17:58 PM
I thought I was the only one that did that.Seems id rather have a guy that ignores me and breakes dates as opposed to a guy that texts me and asks how I am on a regular basis.Guess Im a masochist.Idk.
 Gemma_NM
Joined: 3/10/2012
Msg: 38
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 5:50:43 PM
Thanks Red Jello, I was hesitant to post this. I don't want to attract a 3rd husband who will kill me. LOL. Just I've been considering this for decades and trying to be more cautious in who I become involved with. I've dated nice guys but was turned off by their pursuing me too hard. Like the brighter fish I guess the bad boys are harder to "catch" and even harder to hold onto. Naturally, there are a bunch of truly wonderful guys who do treat their ladies well or are single and wondering what women see in these bad guys. My sister and I call it "Rita" syndrome based on the character on Dexter. If you don't watch Dexter, Rita is a single mom who was in a typical dv relationship who falls for a seemingly nice guy but he's a serial killer. Her picker is BROKEN.

People tend to overlook obvious red flags until you're in too deep instead of throwing the fish back. But yes, with the bad boys I was with there was an instant spark of attraction which is not the case with the nice guys that I dated that the attraction was more platonic than sexual. My ex-husband was out here and accused me of being an "adrenaline junkie." But yeah at this point in my life I'm looking for the predictable nice guy who really is a nice guy and not living a double life. Perhaps I scare nice guys. I also attract married men for some reason much to my dismay. Does this happen to the rest of you who are attracted to bad boys? Not that I'm into married men. They just seem to be the ones who approach me and this has got to change.

Because there's got to be a counter profile for bad boys attracted to otherwise nice women. I've studied this profile extensively in my work with DV survivors. I don't think they are going to come on here and say yes, I like someone who believes me when I lie to them and takes me back no matter what I do to them. I like a woman who will bail me out of jail and if she can't get me out will put her last dollar on my books. A tiger can't change his stripes though. You just have to accept that people are the way they are and they don't tend to change much. The hard part is cutting the line once you've realized what you've got. That seems to be where most people get hung up. They are just attracted to people who are bad for them. How they find each other, Lord knows, I think it's like a magnet. Changing it is like trying to reverse polarity.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 39
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 9:15:50 PM
We constantly fall for the ones who hurt us, because we are stupid.
 Gemma_NM
Joined: 3/10/2012
Msg: 40
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 9:56:43 PM
to the OP, you said they bring out your insecurities. What are you insecure about? That they will leave? That there's somebody else? That you can't trust that they are as good as they seem to be? That they aren't that into you? I think if you examine what your specific fears are you will gain more insight, especially if you think about other times when those fears were prominent. I think we all have those fears in the beginning, is he interested in me as I am in him for example. Some of those are just worked out naturally as the relationship progresses.
 vietnamrose
Joined: 1/19/2011
Msg: 41
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 10:22:25 PM
more often we fall for the guy whose image/ways are like our dad. i am just wondering how your dad was to your mom. as i have read from psychology books, we attract someone like the ways/characteristics of our father. it would help to dig your past. good luck!
 vietnamrose
Joined: 1/19/2011
Msg: 42
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 10:27:30 PM
that's what i've read too. and, my past experience was like that. there is a need to reprogram our subconscious by digging dip into it so we bring up that experience to our awareness. when we become aware of that experience, we more or less know whom we are dealing with. history repeats itself, and it is this time in the family like mine.
 Razerbladez
Joined: 6/17/2012
Msg: 43
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 10:50:03 PM
Don't say "we" implying the masses, most adults / people past adolescence don't fall into this trend.

A minority of illogical bird brained women (idiots with daddy issues for the most part) do.


Grow up maybe?
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 44
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 11:20:54 PM
^^^, lol tend to agree Razor. The woman who said they tend to fall for men like their fathers is funny. If your father was a wife beater, that means women will fall for a wife beater? see how ridiculous that sounds?
 Gemma_NM
Joined: 3/10/2012
Msg: 45
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 11:39:12 PM
Yes, BarnabyJames children who witness domestic violence are more likely to be involved in violent relationships as adults. Without healthy role models how in the world would anybody figure it out? They are more likely to be involved in violent relationships Either as batterers or as victims. Children who witnessed a parent being s beaten have all sorts of difficulties. They are also more likely to be physically and emotionally abused themselves, giving them a sense that they must walk on egg shells to please everybody lest all hell break loose. . It doesn't mean that ALL people who witnesses it do it but they are more likely to repeat the relationship pattern than people who haven't. Google Lundy Bancroft, he's an expert on what happens to boys and girls who grow up in violent homes.

Imagine you've raised your daughter showing love and respect for her mom. She gets involved with a guy who hits her. She's shocked but she bails early cuz this is not acceptable. In contrast your daughter is raised in a home where there are attacks on her mother over the slightest thing like burning toast. Her boyfriend hits her. She stays because she thinks it's normal and attributes it to her making some minor transgression and she must have "Deserved" it. OR she has no one to lend her a hand getting out of the situation. Or it's just another Tuesday night and it happens all the time. It's basic social science concept called learned helplessness. Studies also show that it is helpful to have men in the community who do not condone violence against women as part of the solution. Nobody should abuse anybody else, but this is particularly common with women.

But this is not the OP's questions. Her question is why does she feel insecure? Why do her feelings often get hurt? I think this topic has drifted.
You can walk on eggshells to avoid emotional rejection or a verbal lashing out too. That is easily learned in a home where there are very high expectations and little reward for achieving them.

I got to laugh at Razor jumping in here to name-call a lady asking for help with guys that treat her badly and hurt her feelings. "birdbrains?" We ususally learn in pre-school or Kindergarten, if our parents didn't bother to teach us, that it's not nice to call names.

If you believe Freud ( and I don't) we are all sub-consciously looking for our mommies and daddies. It's not far-fetched to say that we react to traits in other people similiarly to how we reacted to those traits in our parents. We fear rejection from our parents and our romantic partners. We all get bumps and bruises emotionally from interacting with each other. It's just part of life. The question is to what degree are you willing to take it? Where are your boundaries / lines being crossed is what I'd ask the OP. What do you find unacceptable and why?

 braveheartlion
Joined: 1/10/2011
Msg: 46
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 12:02:18 AM
I still have the same problem sometimes even at my age and even though sometimes I know what they're doing, it does take me a little longer than I should to snap out of it and realize I'm being manipulated. Looking back I think it may be because I had a rough childhood, my dad wasn't around, and being treated mean to me was better than being ignored - I had a strict upbringing and equated meanness with love. Then I met a man who really treated me well and I found out it was ok for me to be myself and he would still love me and treat me well. Try a nice guy and you will be surprised at how much happier you will be
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 47
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:40:42 AM
Gemma, if you allow yourself to be attracted to those types of men, sure some of what you've said is true. I grew up in a single parent household, raised by my mother. At no time was I raised to mistreat women, or any other stereotype related to what you said. I've also adstained from drinking( I may drink 1 time a year and thats pushing it, just dont like the taste of alchohol, never have). Ive never smoked or done drugs either, but thats mostly a personal choice. When people blame society for their issues, they take whatever blame off themselves, which is unfair. IMO, its like the women who routinely continue dating douchebag men time after time, they do it because they choose to do it, they like tye feeling they get from being treated like shit. Why? not sure. I get what you're saying, but as I've said MANY times here, people need to he held somewhat accountable for the situations they find themselves in. Probelm is, they often DON'T take responsibility for what's happened. Man up,take responsibility(not towards you, as a whole) take responsibility for what you've helped do/create, try to learn from it and move on. Problem is, many folks DON'T do that snd repeat the same pattefn over and over again. Like a woman who has multiple kids from multiple men, and then complains about how the dads are "deadbeats" and so forth. Take respinsibility for procreating with
 pattie2014
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 48
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:43:05 AM
You must be getting some kind of pay off for continually doing this. Its better to be alone than to put up with
someone thats going to treat you like crap!
 vigolover1951
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 49
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 4:08:06 AM
I am Virgolover NOT Vigo! No Offense Vigo whoever you are. I AM A PISCES and the answer to this in my Overflated opinion is:e Love The Fire but the Ice Freezes Us OUT!!!!!
 LonelyRussian27
Joined: 5/18/2012
Msg: 50
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 5:50:58 AM

Another common possibility is that you associate someone making you feel bad, with parental-type protection. Mom and/or dad would protect you by criticizing you, punishing you. People who praised you, failed to support you or help you when you later ran into problems.


very interesting concept here....
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