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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?      Home login  
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 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 44
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
^^^, lol tend to agree Razor. The woman who said they tend to fall for men like their fathers is funny. If your father was a wife beater, that means women will fall for a wife beater? see how ridiculous that sounds?
 Gemma_NM
Joined: 3/10/2012
Msg: 45
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/22/2013 11:39:12 PM
Yes, BarnabyJames children who witness domestic violence are more likely to be involved in violent relationships as adults. Without healthy role models how in the world would anybody figure it out? They are more likely to be involved in violent relationships Either as batterers or as victims. Children who witnessed a parent being s beaten have all sorts of difficulties. They are also more likely to be physically and emotionally abused themselves, giving them a sense that they must walk on egg shells to please everybody lest all hell break loose. . It doesn't mean that ALL people who witnesses it do it but they are more likely to repeat the relationship pattern than people who haven't. Google Lundy Bancroft, he's an expert on what happens to boys and girls who grow up in violent homes.

Imagine you've raised your daughter showing love and respect for her mom. She gets involved with a guy who hits her. She's shocked but she bails early cuz this is not acceptable. In contrast your daughter is raised in a home where there are attacks on her mother over the slightest thing like burning toast. Her boyfriend hits her. She stays because she thinks it's normal and attributes it to her making some minor transgression and she must have "Deserved" it. OR she has no one to lend her a hand getting out of the situation. Or it's just another Tuesday night and it happens all the time. It's basic social science concept called learned helplessness. Studies also show that it is helpful to have men in the community who do not condone violence against women as part of the solution. Nobody should abuse anybody else, but this is particularly common with women.

But this is not the OP's questions. Her question is why does she feel insecure? Why do her feelings often get hurt? I think this topic has drifted.
You can walk on eggshells to avoid emotional rejection or a verbal lashing out too. That is easily learned in a home where there are very high expectations and little reward for achieving them.

I got to laugh at Razor jumping in here to name-call a lady asking for help with guys that treat her badly and hurt her feelings. "birdbrains?" We ususally learn in pre-school or Kindergarten, if our parents didn't bother to teach us, that it's not nice to call names.

If you believe Freud ( and I don't) we are all sub-consciously looking for our mommies and daddies. It's not far-fetched to say that we react to traits in other people similiarly to how we reacted to those traits in our parents. We fear rejection from our parents and our romantic partners. We all get bumps and bruises emotionally from interacting with each other. It's just part of life. The question is to what degree are you willing to take it? Where are your boundaries / lines being crossed is what I'd ask the OP. What do you find unacceptable and why?

 braveheartlion
Joined: 1/10/2011
Msg: 46
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 12:02:18 AM
I still have the same problem sometimes even at my age and even though sometimes I know what they're doing, it does take me a little longer than I should to snap out of it and realize I'm being manipulated. Looking back I think it may be because I had a rough childhood, my dad wasn't around, and being treated mean to me was better than being ignored - I had a strict upbringing and equated meanness with love. Then I met a man who really treated me well and I found out it was ok for me to be myself and he would still love me and treat me well. Try a nice guy and you will be surprised at how much happier you will be
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 47
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:40:42 AM
Gemma, if you allow yourself to be attracted to those types of men, sure some of what you've said is true. I grew up in a single parent household, raised by my mother. At no time was I raised to mistreat women, or any other stereotype related to what you said. I've also adstained from drinking( I may drink 1 time a year and thats pushing it, just dont like the taste of alchohol, never have). Ive never smoked or done drugs either, but thats mostly a personal choice. When people blame society for their issues, they take whatever blame off themselves, which is unfair. IMO, its like the women who routinely continue dating douchebag men time after time, they do it because they choose to do it, they like tye feeling they get from being treated like shit. Why? not sure. I get what you're saying, but as I've said MANY times here, people need to he held somewhat accountable for the situations they find themselves in. Probelm is, they often DON'T take responsibility for what's happened. Man up,take responsibility(not towards you, as a whole) take responsibility for what you've helped do/create, try to learn from it and move on. Problem is, many folks DON'T do that snd repeat the same pattefn over and over again. Like a woman who has multiple kids from multiple men, and then complains about how the dads are "deadbeats" and so forth. Take respinsibility for procreating with
 pattie2014
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 48
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:43:05 AM
You must be getting some kind of pay off for continually doing this. Its better to be alone than to put up with
someone thats going to treat you like crap!
 vigolover1951
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 49
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 4:08:06 AM
I am Virgolover NOT Vigo! No Offense Vigo whoever you are. I AM A PISCES and the answer to this in my Overflated opinion is:e Love The Fire but the Ice Freezes Us OUT!!!!!
 LonelyRussian27
Joined: 5/18/2012
Msg: 50
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/23/2013 5:50:58 AM

Another common possibility is that you associate someone making you feel bad, with parental-type protection. Mom and/or dad would protect you by criticizing you, punishing you. People who praised you, failed to support you or help you when you later ran into problems.


very interesting concept here....
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 51
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 2/28/2013 5:27:48 PM

Don't say "we" implying the masses, most adults / people past adolescence don't fall into this trend.

+1
 Albvs
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 52
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/1/2013 3:02:11 PM

Am I strange or do others find themself in my situation where we fall for the guy/girl that keeps hurting our feelings?

I would guess that your father wasn't a nice guy and yet you often tried to seek his approval. And now as a young lady you seek out relationships with men who are also this way.

If this sounds like it might be the case then say this three times into the mirror, each time with more confidence:
* I don't need my father's approval anymore.
* Nothing he says about me can hurt me now.
* I am stronger than he'll ever know.
* I don't need anyone's approval but my own.
* It's time to find someone different, someone who believes in me as much as I believe in me.
 RussArtLover
Joined: 5/13/2010
Msg: 53
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/1/2013 3:18:56 PM
Well, "falling" kinda means putting your heart on the line regardless. So if it does nay workout itsa gonna hurt. Don't ya think?
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 54
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/1/2013 5:43:40 PM
I have been dating someone I'm attracted to who has a tendency to hurt my feelings. He can be sort of thoughtless at times. Of course, I don't normally choose people who hurt me, but some relationships are easier than others.

To some extent it has been a matter of adjusting some of the variables in our relationship. On my part, I've stepped back emotionally. We went from an exclusive relationship to... now friends and dating. This comes with a set of lowered expectations and we see each other less frequently. As a friend, I am more willing to let certain things slide than if we were in a relationship. On his part, he's listened to me when I've told him that I don't like it when he does certain things. He's pretty good at saying he's sorry. I am too. He's made some adjustments to how he treats me. I've worked at controling my emotions. Things have gotten better.

Overall, I think working through issues helps increase the level of trust and leads to feeling less insecure. Having success in building good relationships and learning how to handle various issues, increases confidence. Of course, a lot of people fake relationship confidence by not caring about the end result.

So.... IF things go well then great! IF things don't go well.... no big loss.
 funnygirl2no
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 55
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/2/2013 1:13:50 AM
same here! I think bad boys are a turn on in a very sick way. They make us feel bad. Go figure !
 funnygirl2no
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 56
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/2/2013 1:22:45 AM
the answer is that being alone sucks!! women fall for bad boy jerks out of loneliness . desperation to have anyone be there even for one night stands. sad but true. lesbianism is not an option(for me)
 funnygirl2no
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 57
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/2/2013 1:48:53 AM
u hit on it...the fear of being single is key issue....u hope that this person who initiated some excitement within you will save u from this dark lonely corridor leading to madness. It is biological that man is with woman, they live longer and other people in your life are blessed with a stable partner to be there for them. We just hope for the best , it all works out and try to ignore the negative aspects. People do come around sometimes, maybe this will be the sometime. call it stupid but we are positive looking for the good in all no matter
 bangkokianj
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 58
Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/2/2013 2:02:42 AM
It has happened to me too. You have to find ways to get over him. You have to stop thinking about how he loves you. For me I have cut every of his contacts or me to contact him that means I had to change my new phone number. Good thing that we had LDR so he couldn't show up at my door easily. Anyway, bottom line is you must cut all the contact from him and don't allow him to contact you because he knows whenever he wants you back he could just charm his way to your heart and you will be head over toes for him again. Don't give him a chance, don't let him get close to you again.
 sissy1202
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 59
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Why do we fall for the guy/girl who hurts us?
Posted: 3/2/2013 11:52:49 AM
Well said. And so true! Bravo
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